In laws refuse to accept my daughter bares any resemblance to me

[Mummystrawb]

Hello,

I’m just wondering if anybody has similar experience.

My daughter is 1 now, but ever since she was a newborn, it’s like my in laws refuse to accept that she bares any resemblance to myself. My partner’s mother and his sisters are all always saying how she’s his double. She does resemble him, and I’m not offended when people point that out, but it’s like they can’t bare to accept she has any likeness to me at all. They’ll point things out, like a distinctive birthmark on her ears which is identical to mine, and say it’s like my partner’s brother’s. They’re just constantly making comparisons between her and their side of the family, and if ever anybody says she has a feature of mine, they seem to have to say oh no dad’s so and so was just like that at that age.

I don’t think it helps that my mental health was so low when she was born, but it just really gets to me. It’s as though they want to distance her from me as much as possible.

thanks for any advice

So you have a healthy baby, a partner and a involved lovely extended family. It makes sense genetically for babies to closely resemble their father as it helps them bond and be confident the child is theirs.

Mine were like this too. Ds1 does look more like his dad than like me but the way they went on about it was as if I wasn’t even related to him. I had very poor mental health after he was born so comments like this were harder to laugh off than they would have been if I’d been in a better place mentally.

Oddly enough they also did this with ds2 who apart from being male looks like a literal clone of me.

My mum is like this, but with my partner. She is bordering on obsessive about my son (6 months) looking like our side of the family and not like my partner. Tbh, I see bits of both of us in him, but if features that might resemble my partner are mentioned, she gets all funny, saying she doesn't see it at all and then going on at length how he looks like so and so (a relation of ours). She makes out what he looks like to be such a big, important deal. As though he must look like our family at all costs. She is very controlling, though, and a bit of a narcissist.

People like this are so tedious. Ignore them and be grateful you are not tedious like them.

@Mummystrawb

😆 The baby's father's family always do this shit. It's their way of asserting that they know he is the father, and as has been said, making the baby part of their clan. You should laugh at them and say 'why are you so desperate to insist that our baby only looks like YOUR side of the family?! Never mind, just keep telling yourself that if it makes you happy!'

They sound desperate and a wee bit pathetic (to me!) My 2 DC have always looked more like me. Though they do (fortunately) have DH's family's height, and lovely twinkly blue Irish eyes.

I do understand that they’re going to look for similarities on their own side but I think some PP are missing the point that in-laws can point out their family traits whilst also giving mum some credit where it’s due. Claiming curls comes from a great aunt or whatever when curly haired mum is right there is just silly and feels like a deliberate snub.

Whenever I meet a baby that’s a carbon copy of their dad, I do try to find something I can attribute to mum. Just seems polite to me.

That is utterly mental!! My MIL always banged on about how her tummy after birth was completely flat within a few days, I definitely didn't get her baby bump experience 🤣

Yeah, my MIL was exactly the same.

I'll remember forever her leaning over my first DC and saying "he didn't get anything from you did he?" And then referring to him as "my little {name of DC's dad}"

She's my ex MIL now, thank goodness. Her DS turned out to be a bit of a knobhead to her eternal shame and neither of my DC want anything to do with him (or her).

MILs say the craziest shit! Mine could clearly see my first born looked like her Dad from my 12 week, 2D scan 🤨. Ignore it OP, you can see anything if you look hard enough/want to see it.

Tbf though, my Daughter DID look like her Dad as a baby 🤣. Butttt, the older she gets, the more she looks like me x

With respect, you’re not the main character in anyone’s life but your own. It’s highly unlikely they’re even thinking about you, never mind trying to distance you… they’re just trying to bring themselves closer.

Yes, it’s a bit annoying but just smile and nod and move on. You know she’s your daughter and what traits of yours she has, let them be happy thinking she’s got some of their family traits too and don’t take it too seriously.

That is not how the process of reproduction works.

op it’s common but never gets less annoying. And once they get older and start doing school and sports etc it doesn’t get any less- I think my pil think just about everything good about our children is exactly just like my dh. Tell your dh, and get a couple of friends on board, have them round when your in laws are and have them primed to coo things like ‘I love that she has exactly your birthmark, she’s like your mini version!’

Better than the alternative. DD1 is the absolutely spit of DSis and MIL said 'we do not recognise her' 😁. I should point out that English is her second language so I assume (since she's lovely) that was a literal translation from a less harsh sounding phrase in her first language!

DD2 looks exactly like FIL's family but because my family don't know FIL's family they all think she looks like me even though it's just our hair colour that is the same. Families look for what is familiar to them, that's all.

@Mummystrawb big hugs, it's bloody annoying isn't it?!

Before mine were born all DH's family did was talk about how they will be 10+ pound big baby like him and all their family and DH's kids from a previous relationship. And how they all were born with bright blonde hair you can hardly see - well they came out teeny with black hair! That was never mentioned again- wonder why? But then just days after it was all about they are mini dh's or mini SIL's or cousins or step kids. Never once have they said they're like me- others say they're just like me.

I have to say this (amongst others) is a reason my contact with them has reduced- I can't be bothered listening to their crap!

You carried and birthed baby, you are the super star around here! X

My in laws did the same and it annoyed me too even though generally I really like them. My DD is blonde haired and blue eyed like me but all they would talk about was how much she looked like my indian DH and how she was such a "daddy's girl" (despite me doing 99% of the caregiving!).

Im still not sure if it's a kind of tribal territory marking, or if it just winds up the mothers because we are so hyper protective in the early days. I am sure nothing consciously malicious was meant by it and i'm glad she has a wider family that love her.

From the comments you can see this is quite common MIL behaviour.

i had quite a struggle with my mental health after my first child was born. My MIL added to it by putting me under a lot of pressure.

I remember a defining moment when I showed her photos I had had developed ( early 2000’s )
she said oh is that DH in the bath holding the baby: I was so offended because I was tiny. DH was overweight & hairy like a Yeti!! But I was able reason that she was probably so desperate to have to have a connection that she saw what she wanted to rather being logical. I should have show her the pictures I took of DS1 & DH in the shower. Not realising I had taken fully frontal nude photos & got them developed in the local Tesco 🤦‍♀️🤣

MIL caused me lots of stress when my babies were little, but she is a great person & if I needed to bury a body she would totally show up to help, unless it was her precious DS my Dh 🤣

Pretty standard I think. My family all think my kids look like me, my husband's think they look like him. People see what they want to see! Don't worry about it. As your baby grows up they'll be their own little unique person anyway.

My eldest daughter is actually her dads double 😂 i hold my hands up as she really doesn't take after me or my side of the family. Where as my son is practically me with glasses 🙈. Youngest daughter is more like me and my side though. In fact shes looks like my mum did as a baby. Try not to let it worry you. They change so much aa they grow.

I used to get really annoyed with this too. One person was even constantly calling my baby by one of DH family member's names!!

It’s hard when you have your first child and it feels like everyone is trying to steak a claim and your protective instincts are screaming at you to grab the baby and run. Try not to take it personally, but if it is causing you distress try to avoid spending too much time with the in laws. It does get easier as the child gets older.

People see what the want to see when they look at babies or children

I once had my son and his best friend (both 5 male female ) both very blonde at a holiday park

3 different ppl commented on my beautiful set of twins that looked like me

its annoying in your case but just try ignore it or say something ridiculous like her aunt has that both mark etc

It's just a pride thing - I had both sides doing this, and my grandparents used to tell people I had perfect babies who never cried! It's because they care so much they want the little one to resemble them. Ignore x

“ Bears”

Could you reframe it in your mind? They love her and want to keep reinforcing how much she is loved and part of their family? It's important sometimes for families where it is the son of the family who has a child as mums are often closer to their own mothers and their side of the family. I think people so this as well so they are saying we don't doubt the paternity. It's all good. It goes without saying that she is yours.

I did this too!!! Except I told them afterwards because I’m a cow.

My personal favourite was when they were banging on about how similar my youngest looks to my step MIL’s daughter from a first marriage. They share ZERO DNA FFS!!!!!! Apparently their smile is exactly the same. Yes, in that they both have teeth, I suppose…. Drives me mad!

My MIL doesn't because she's a lovely sensitive person but my SILs used to do it all the time. I think they knew it irked me. Anyway we don't speak now and my girls rarely speak to them. It was only one of many things they did to try to nudge me out but I didn't realise it at the time. Only later.