In laws refuse to accept my daughter bares any resemblance to me

[Mummystrawb]

Hello,

I’m just wondering if anybody has similar experience.

My daughter is 1 now, but ever since she was a newborn, it’s like my in laws refuse to accept that she bares any resemblance to myself. My partner’s mother and his sisters are all always saying how she’s his double. She does resemble him, and I’m not offended when people point that out, but it’s like they can’t bare to accept she has any likeness to me at all. They’ll point things out, like a distinctive birthmark on her ears which is identical to mine, and say it’s like my partner’s brother’s. They’re just constantly making comparisons between her and their side of the family, and if ever anybody says she has a feature of mine, they seem to have to say oh no dad’s so and so was just like that at that age.

I don’t think it helps that my mental health was so low when she was born, but it just really gets to me. It’s as though they want to distance her from me as much as possible.

thanks for any advice

They see similarities in your daughter to their own family that's natural Your baby will have their genes as well as yours . Tbh neither of my babies looked like me apart from their hair colour. You are being a bit daft

Try and let it wash over you. When they claim your daughter, they are strengthening the bond that she is in their clan. That’s a good thing. She needs to be ‘claimed’. Otherwise she’s vulnerable.

One of the reasons they see their family in her is that they only know their family as babies. They are comparing her with the infant versions of her uncle, dad, cousin. etc. They didn’t know you as an infant, so don’t see the likeness.

And think anthropologically. You KNOW who the father is. Everyone else is essentially taking it on trust. It’s really important the dad’s family recognise themselves in her!

Honestly, it never stops. Looks, intelligence, leaning towards certain subjects or hobbies. It never ever stops best to bite your tongue and smile and nod.
my favourite one was passing a photo of baby me off as one of mine. That was quiet revenge.
It’s rarely meant with malice

Just ignore it. I think lots of people look for similarities to their own family.
My in-laws were the same. To be fair, my DD does look a lot more like them than me!
Any of my daughter's features that were like mine, they'd say she got it from a relative of theirs.
Once I showed them a photo of DD as a baby to prove how similar she was to me as a baby. They agreed.

It doesn't mean anything. People see what they want to see. Doesn't mean anything against you.

Ignore, ignore, ignore. At the most you can do a “that’s nice that you think so”.

dont give it any of your time. Your child can look like your side, their side, a mixture or none at all. And they may change as they get older. And none of it matters.

Try and ignore it. I had this a lot from my MIL ... made worse by the fact that I'm adopted and my twin DDs were the only biological family I had ever met.

It's annoying OP, but I agree with pp - best to try and ignore it.

They’ve seen him grow up so are more aware of the resemblance, especially when you are comparing a child. They didn’t see you grow up so it’s much more difficult for them to see.

Does it really matter? I imagine you like the look of your husband so that bodes well if your child looks ljke them? Is it really that bad if a handful of people only see a resemblance to him rather than you? Maybe there isn’t a resemblance to you at all, but you gave birth so you definitely know the child is yours!! I really wouldn’t give it any headspace. I don’t think my child looks that much like me, but I do think they’re beautiful (probably why I find them beautiful!!).

Ahh my MIL is like this. She even calls my daughter her youngest daughter’s name sometimes 🤨 I think it is easier to see your own family (particularly members you knew or are familiar with pictures of as toddlers) in small children, you see what is familiar. So it’s probably just that. It is annoying when they just deny or ignore the bits that are more like you, but it’s just something I roll my eyes at and ignore tbh.

My MIL is the same but about resemblance to SIL. 'Look at your beautiful curls, you must have inherited those from autie Sarah' 'You have auntie Sarah's blue eyes' etc. Apparently there's no chance these characteristics came from his curly haired, blue eyed mother.

My MIL was like this with my first DS. We hadn't had an easy relationship, she and me, so I took it as a good thing - she was acknowledging that her son, my DH, was definitely the father every time she gushed about how like him my DS was. She certainly wouldn't have been above telling everyone that DH couldn't be the father, so the fact that she was adamant that DS looked like him at least meant she accepted he was part of the family.

Mother Nature tends to make babies look like their fathers, that way they're less likely to be disowned - I am no biologist, but I did read an article about it a while ago.

Anecdotally, I would say girls look most like their mums at teen-age. At a reunion of old friends recently, you could tell who all the girls mums were as they looked like a better groomed version of their mums as a teen (we were teens in the 80s, so all bad perms and bad make up).

Let it wash over you for now, and in the future they'll all see she's a mini you; there will be no denying it.

They see him because they remember him as a child or even remember photos. Unless there are other issues it is unlikely to be a personal snub. They possibly havent notice your birthmark but are aware of brothers. Probably just small talk.

Next sleepless night tell them she's a pita like him.

I've always been told by my in laws that our 3 DC are the spit of me . Do you think your kids look like your DH? If so they are just commenting . I remember just after I had my first , i went down to see my mum (who had been divorced from my dad many years) , I saw my uncle (on my mums side ) and he said oh my god he looks just like your (my dads name) 🤣

This drives me mad - my in-laws have done this the past three years! Every single positive trait or skill is attributed to my DH or his relatives. Sometimes distant relatives.
“oh you can tell he’s going to be an athlete just like his dad!!” - his dad who hasn’t done sport since school and is an overweight smoker, ok 🤣 Any clever things he does is like ‘the engineers’ in his family.
the fact our 3 year old loves TV is attributed to me which may well be true 😅
I think it’s an evolutionary thing - looking for evidence that this child is definitely genetically their family. But it wouldn’t hurt them to at least pretend to see some positive things coming from me

I think you need to relax and ignore. I'm sure when she is with your parents etc they point out the similarities between you and your DD.

Really isn't anything to get worked up about.

Solidarity, OP, be gentle with yourself. It’s super tough having a baby and then your MH feeling extra wobbly on top.

My mum swears my kids look/sound/act like me. My MIL swears my kids look/sound/act like my husband. They look/sound/act like themselves!

My DS is a carbon copy of his dad on the outside and I’m ok with that because he’s 100% me on the inside.

I’d let them see whatever they want to see, as your DD grows you’ll discover traits you never knew you’d passed on.

You must ignore it. There is no way of subtly getting them to stop.

my ds doesn’t really resemble my dh which causes the in-laws endless concern! Happily dh and ds have the same flat, square “hobbit” feet (my family’s are delicately arched with long slender toes) so I can cheerfully point out at least ds for some genes from my dh.

They are just keen to feel connected, to enjoy the little similarities. Let them have it, even if it irks you - it’s a small thing and not intended to offend or upset you.

I always think taking the offensive helps here - ask the inlaws to show you photos of the older generations and dh as babies and try to spot similarities yourself . Your mil will love you for it and honestly it’s kind of fun if you let go of your anxiety about being seen only as a brood mate for the Paternal Dominant Genes!

The only photo Mil ever displayed of dd1 was one she took herself and where she looked like Sil. DD1 went through stages of resembling both myself & dh.
Then with dd2 at about 3 months, Mil looked at her & said "well I don't know who she looks like but it's none of my lot". (It felt like she didn't think that DH was her dad! He is.) DD2 was, & still is very much like me, to the point even her friends have commented on the likeness.

Mil didn't like me very much (can you tell 😁).

Just ignore , people do this all the time , even if it’s blatantly untrue , I think it’s a kind of territory marking . My in-laws did it all the time when our eldest was little and he literally looked nothing like his dad .

Just nod and smile OP.

I remember my MIL claiming credit for anything and everything from DD's curly hair, smile, eyes and later on artistic talent and dress sense.

I have never had much of a relationship with the in-laws and just found it funny tbh.

People go weird around babies and definitely need to stake their claim - there's probably some primal genetic reason for it.

Mine were like this too. It got easier to deal with after they said DC2 looked like great auntie wotsit on the basis of a similar hair clip. I'm not a scientist but I don't think hair accessories are genetic.

I also may have made a joke about me being simply a vessel for MrApocalypse's genetic code......