In laws refuse to accept my daughter bares any resemblance to me

[Mummystrawb]

Hello,

I’m just wondering if anybody has similar experience.

My daughter is 1 now, but ever since she was a newborn, it’s like my in laws refuse to accept that she bares any resemblance to myself. My partner’s mother and his sisters are all always saying how she’s his double. She does resemble him, and I’m not offended when people point that out, but it’s like they can’t bare to accept she has any likeness to me at all. They’ll point things out, like a distinctive birthmark on her ears which is identical to mine, and say it’s like my partner’s brother’s. They’re just constantly making comparisons between her and their side of the family, and if ever anybody says she has a feature of mine, they seem to have to say oh no dad’s so and so was just like that at that age.

I don’t think it helps that my mental health was so low when she was born, but it just really gets to me. It’s as though they want to distance her from me as much as possible.

thanks for any advice

Just ignore them, my MIL used to do this with our eldest. He has features from both of us but she always attributes them to distant relatives of my DH who I’ve never even met. I just learnt to ignore it. Then our youngest was born and he’s my absolute double….she can’t even attempt to attribute anything to anyone else so she keeps quiet about both of them now.

I had this with MIL when DS was a baby and toddler. It was just endless prattle every time we saw her and it really got on my nerves but I ignored it and eventually it tapered off. It was also followed by endless ‘oh he just loves his Daddy so much..’ over and over.

DNiece is an IVF baby and nothing has ever been said about who she resembles from any family; I suspect she is from a donor egg (no resemblance in any shape or form to SIL and only the barest to BIL, I’m not the only one who wonders this), but I do wonder how they feel about how MIL is conspicuous by her total lack of comments since DNiece was born vs the endless prattle we got.

Sometimes people just need to zip it as it’s clearly annoys many people.

I used to get this as well with my DC.

I even had one person look at my DC and exclaim 'O where did you get your steely blue eyes from' and then look straight into my steely blue eyes. Annoying.

It did taper off after a couple of years.

On the bright side when your DC throws a really impressive tantrum, or produces the most amazing stink you can say 'She definitely takes after your side of the family MIL'.

I’d feel like they were trying to steal her away, if it were me (and have read about things like relationship breakups and affairs where the other woman was literally doing that…)

I was going to say the same as a couple of other pps, which is that your ILs remember your DH as a baby and so can see similarities between him at that age and your dcs at a similar age. With out dgc, we see more similarities between our own dcs and dgc. Having said that , as the dgcs grow, we can also see the likeness to our Dil. My MIL would never admit there was any likeness between our dcs and DH. Whilst there is more likeness between me and dc1 , there is absolutely no doubt that many of their characteristics are the same as DH. Equally, dc2 is the absolute spitting image of DH.
In the end, it doesn't matter whether your ILs accept that you and your dcs share looks and characteristics, so I would try hard not to let it bother you.

Absolutely normal for everyone who knew one of the parents when they were little, to see those resemblances.
You are over reacting here.
Plus, some dc do look more like one parent. My ds is an adult and not once has anyone ever said he is like me, which is fine. I don't think anyone is questioning that he is my ds. As it turns out, he is part and part me and dh in character, but looks - nope.

Mind, people see what they are looking for too. I've two different friends with adopted dc, who often get told how much the dc look like their Dad or whatever, even though there is obviously no genetic link at all.

The best response I was given is, "Yes. But she really just looks like herself." And repeat.

As far as my bitch of a MIL was concerned (thankfully both ex and dead now) I was merely the vessel that carried the perfect reincarnation of her beloved son. It still rankles 31 years later.

Gosh you can see why babies are found under the gooseberry bush.

its not ok to keep dismissing the mother of a child’s genetics, if you’re feeling sensitive after the birth etc

you can of course keep say the stock phrase

oh she’ll grow out of it!

over and over again

thing is I would put 2/1 money on them getting sensitive over it…

you then just say, it’s a joke 🤭

Everyone sees what they want to see, don’t take it to heart. I am the spitting image of my Mum, always have been, and my Dad’s sister insists I’m like him 😅. Mum hoped my brother being born and looking like we’d cloned my Dad might put an end to it but now she just says we’re both like him! Your connection to your baby goes far beyond how you both look.

Ah I totally understand this, and even though it’s is ridiculous, how utterly infuriating it can be. Especially in the vulnerable post natal phase - not what you need.
My in-laws used to say this about DS but as he is grown he just looks like me - they are really clutching at straws and they know it so it stopped. I just ignored and ignored and ignored and saw it as a compliment that they wanted to be connected to my gorgeous baby!

My kids bear no resemblance to me, nor my husband, nor each other. I’ve always really liked this about them and the fact the have brand new faces 😂. My GP mate thinks it’s a sign of strong genes (not sure that’s based on any fact, mind as one of them has inherited my husband’s terrible myopia).

Why the heck does it matter?
As long as the kid doesn't look like your boss or the postman (in which case some questions may be asked)

Eurgh I used to get this all the time when my dd was born. Everything lovely or neutral about her was linked to someone on their side. "Oh she's left handed. My mum's left handed". Response was always something along the lines of "oh no...my grandfather's mother's sister was left-handed...that's where she's got that from". It was so stupid that I just ignored it. I also noticed that everything bad was always blamed on me or my side. Dd had a kind of spotty, pink area on each cheek next to her ear. My MiL made a song and dance about it every time she saw dd for months and months, questioning me about acne/skin complaints in my family, asking what lotions/shampoo/soap I used on her. Asking what the dr had said about it and frowning at it. Asking for baby/young child photos of me to compare, saying she thought she had seen similar on my niece on my side of the family (she hadn't- niece's skin of flawless). Then one day dd and my nephew on MiL side were sat together playing and MiL was banging on about it again and I realised that both dd and nephew had the same skin thing on their cheeks. So I pointed it out, she went quiet...and she never once mentioned it again!

Anyway, all I can suggest OP is to ignore it. My MiL calmed down eventually (dd is 11) and she will now happily accept that there is some of me in dd 🤣 I do understand how annoying it is though.

She’s her own person- not a miniature of you or your husband.

I got this with IL and pfb.

They have on four occasions mistaken picture from my childhood for pfb.

It hasn't stopped though early years and days it really upset me now it's uni course of DD1 is done to FIL watching a TV show and nothing to us what we watched and where we took her or any support we did.

In the pg and first visit it was all are you sure it DH as their no likeness which was equally as annoying.

However they've taken an interest in the kids and done things with them - and reined in favouritism when asked. My Mum hated how closely I resembled Dad and his mother, her MIL, and favours Dsis who took after her much more. It could be worse I suppose

I think this is pretty normal with families tbh and it's something we just have to brush off.
Each side of our families were exactly the same!
One that always makes me giggle now was when my eldest was about 1, I was feeding her yoghurt and my MIL said "oh, she loves her yoghurt! She must have got that from me". A couple of days later, I was at my parents' house and went to feed her another yoghurt which she completely refused. My own DM said "oh look! She hates yoghurt! She must get that from me"
😂

Only outright disagreement I had what my.late mil was shortly after dd 1 was born. Everything was according to her after their family. I bore it until the day she said ohh and blonde hair just like bil (aka waste of space golden boy) ... i am Scandinavian and have blonde hair as does my siblings and dad. I did go "err do you THINK it might be the Scandinavian heritage?????"

I love this .
I'm adopted though so coming at it from a different angle .

It's annoying but I just laugh. They're the only people that think our child looks like my DH. Even my DH thinks they are my spitting image. Although they do have blue eyes like him and I have brown. Other than that they look just like me 😂 just laugh it off!

That’s interesting. I used to foster, and felt my long term foster children were more like me than my sons who were clones of their dad 🤣

People would comment on how alike we all were. So even when the likeness isn’t there I guess we ‘claim’ our family.

This definitely bothered me at first too. I think it's a good point pp have raised about evolution and claiming her and the trust that she's one of theirs.

I found it easiest just to try and find it so ridiculous that it was comical. They'd sit there wondering where DS got the exact very distinctive nose that got me bullied for years in school and decided it must be from great Uncle John on MiLs side.

With mine it was part of a wider thing where DH is basically the second coming of Jesus in their eyes who can do no wrong and is perfect in every way, so of course he is responsible for our wonderful DS. I tried to see the positive in it that at least it means they must adore DS, even if I was a superfluous human incubator.

I do think it's very common and soon as they grow up the "who do they look like" gets less and less frequent.

doesnt really matter who they say the baby looks like does it? i have 2 DD's one is a carbon copy of her dad, the other is a carbon copy of me. doesn't mean i love them any differently...

“Oh that’s reassuring to hear MIL. He is the dad after all then”.

My mil is now commenting that dd's baby bump looks like hers so let it wash over you