Blended Siblings Issues

[Justgirls]

Three girls. One his, one mine, one together. There is a 5 year age gap between the oldest and middle(his/mine) The older sibling seems to be annoyed by the younger most of the time. Causing issues with my husband and I. Both kids go back and forth between homes. The 10 year old goes to her dads where there she has 4 step/half siblings all girls as well. The 5 year old goes to her moms where there is a baby that’s not quite 1.

There are times when the 10 year old comes off so annoyed with the 5 year old where she doesn’t want to play with her or engage with her. It stinks because the 5 year old is over the moon with her.

My husband thinks we need to force the relationship and teach that they are siblings and they have to love each other. I come from a different point of view that he seems to think is just because the one causing the issue is mine.

I see it as, there is a 5 year age gap. That is normal for the younger to be so excited for the older and for the older to be annoyed at the younger. They are on different levels. The 10 year old plays with the younger on her own terms which as the older sibling seems normal to me.

Last night for example. The 10 year old had asked to make grilled cheeses on Sunday because she just learned how to at her dad’s and wanted to make them at home for everyone. I told her she can make Monday night when I make chili. So last night I said okay you can make them now. The 5 year old wanted to help and the 10 year old she said she didn’t need any help. The 5 year old gets upset and goes to tell dad that the older kid told her no. She comes inside and tells the kid 10 year old. “I get to help you, daddy said so” Dad comes inside and tells me this is ridiculous that this is a teaching/leading moment for the 10 year old that there is no reason she couldn’t help her.

how do you handle this?

Should the 10 year always be forced to include the younger sibling?

They aren't siblings though. They are step siblings. How do you force them to love each other? Leave your ten year old alone. She has the right not to love or even like her mum's husband's daughter!

If they were full siblings you would probably have the same issue between the kids, it's just very complicated as each parent seems to see the other as favouring their own child over their step-child.

I don't think the kids should be forced to play or do things together, it will build resentment. It's not your daughter's job to teach her step-sister how to make a toasted sandwich or anything else.

Your partner needs to ease off or he'll push your daughter away, and she needs to see that you prioritise her feelings, as he won't.

He is mad to want to teach them that they are siblings because they aren't.

Seems to me your boyfriend wants your ten year old to be more involved with his much younger child. Which is very convenient for him.

You are right and he is wrong. Leave this 10 year old alone she is not responsible for making a 5 year old happy. I hope she is getting enough time and attention

"My husband thinks we need to force the relationship and teach that they are siblings and they have to love each other."

That's grim - you can't force people to love each other just because they now live in the same house some of the time.

No of course a 10 year old shouldn't be forced to include a 5 year old all of the time. And no the 10 year old isn't the 'one causing the issue' - that would be your DH.

Can you rearrange contact time with the other parents so the 5yr old and 10yr old are rarely together at yours at the same time?

It does seem like Dad is expecting the 10yr old to babysit the 5yr old to make life easier for him. If he wants a "teaching experience" for his daughter, why doesn't he get off his arse and give her one? He could easily have said "let DC1 make the grilled cheese knowing peace and I'll make one with you when she's finished."

Let's face it, this problem isn't going to go away. A 15yr old is going to find a 10yr old just as annoying and it's not a situation of the DC's making, they're just coping with it the best they can.

So your 10 year old wanted to show her new skill and contribute to dinner for everyone but your DH insisted she had to include the 5 year old, who would no doubt make it more difficult and then she would need to share the moment and praise for her toasties? That's completely unfair on DD10.

You need to nip this in the bud with your husband or the girls' relationship will just get worse. Your poor DD must be really overwhelmed if she has gone from an only child to having multiple step/half siblings in a short space of time.

My DDs are full siblings and much closer in age but they wouldn't have been happy about either one being forced to play/entertain the other - especially if they were doing something like cooking.

How much time does your DH spend playing with his DD?

This matrix of children sounds hell-raising. How do you cope?

The 10yo has her own life, with step-sisters wherever she goes. She wants to be 10 years old, flex her muscles (in a v sweet way, it has to be said), be her own person. The 5yo does NOT need to be involved. Typical sibling squabbles, exacerbated by these two girls not being siblings, and the DH viewing the 10yo as there to help his 5yo (or him?). He doesn't have the same regard for the 10yo as he has for the 5yo, perhaps coupled with not knowing what 10yo girls are like.

I honestly don't know how navigating all these issues isn't a full time job. Your DH needs a proper talking to, he can't trample on the 10yo's feelings like this, forcing another child on her. He needs to back off. What a mess.

Even if they were siblings, with a 5 year age gap, you would be having similar issues. The oldest should not be cruel to the youngest, but it is not her responsibility to teach or entertain her.

especially for something like cooking when it is a new skill. Adding a 5yo to the mix is going to make it prohibitively difficult for a 10yo to accomplish. Of course she is going to be stressed about the idea. She needs more practice before she can handle a younger child nearby.

It is also very important to realize that they aren’t siblings. They are two girls who happen to live in the same house. Pretending they are siblings is only going to make the situation worse. That kind of bond has to be earned. It may be forged over the years if the adult relationship stands the test of time.

I appreciate the input. I wanted to add more context to background. Dad and I started dating when his daughter was 2 and my daughter was turning 7. We did move in together in about 6 months and were married quickly after. At that point, they adored each other. It has just been the past year that this has become a constant conversation. To add, my husband truly is a great man and a wonderful father. He struggles with having his daughter the least amount of time. My daughter is gone Wednesday and every other weekend coming home on Sunday evenings. His daughter is completely 50/50 so we have her every Monday, Tuesday and every other weekend/over night on Sundays, therefore my daughter is home more. He plays with them very consistently. I'm talking from jumping on the trampoline to playing cards nightly. I dont think in the slightest it has to do with wanting my daughter to take a weight off his involvement. I think it has more to do with when the 10 year doesn't replicate the 5 year olds feelings, the 5 year old is gets her feelings hurt. I try to explain that it is not that she does not love her. Sometimes she just doesnt want to play with her. I do feel as though I raise them to be siblings because we are a household and I truly do feel she loves her. I feel that what goes on is a typical scenario, that this would be normal even if they were full blooded siblings...we would have the same situation. I do not believe in forcing anything as I see it will create resentment. I do not approve of them being rude to each other, as I wouldn't want them to be rude to anyone.

5 year age gap between my two girls. Honestly, the way you're describing your eldest matches up with how my eldest behaves around her sister.

She is happy to play/interact with her, but only on her terms or as part of a bigger picture like a whole family day out, wedding etc.

My youngest tried playing the 'It's not fair' card, but I didn't buy it. As long as the elder sister isn't being actively mean/snide/hurtful it doesn't do the youngest any harm to realise that she doesn't get her own way all the time.

Making your kids move in after only 6 months of dating couldn't have been in the kids best interests?
The man does not force your daughter to do anything. Make that clear to him.

We did move in together in about 6 months and were married quickly after

jesus Christ. And you've had another child in that 3 year period as well? Why did you rush so fast? Did you not think that your daughter might have some issues with this? You upheaved her whole life within half a year.

Dad and I started dating when his daughter was 2 and my daughter was turning 7. We did move in together in about 6 months and were married quickly after.

Fucking hell. You and your husband were unforgivably selfish. Your respective ex partners must have been furious.

4 years between my oldest DD and youngest... it took until my eldest was away at uni for them to get on!

MY DD's have older Step Brothers, and they simply can't stand them! they tolerate them at best, but now there are all adults, their relationship is nothing to do with me and I have stopped trying to made them get on! Step brothers are very jealous of my DD's because their childhood was very different to theirs, again nothing i could have done to change this. I gave up trying to blend my family a long time ago

I’m not looking for judgement, I am looking for advice for the situation I have stated. The first 2 years this was not an issue. As a whole we have been together 3 1/2 years. My husband is a wonderful man and I do not regret marrying him. There is a situation and we are navigating through it. Not all parents agree on every aspect of raising children, even in non blended home.

it is ok for you and your DH to have differing views on the children, as long as you both agree that its ok? My DH expects his children and my children to get along and live a lovely happy life together. I however know this will never happen. You and DH needs to get your heads together and try get on the same page.

For whats its worth, I agree that 10 year old should have been allowed to continue with their activity without 5 year old, and it sounds to me like your DH doesn't want to say no to his own DD, or allow his DD to see your DD receive (for want of a better phrase) preferential treatment.

He is right, where it was a learning curve, but not the one he thinks it is. His DD, as I am sure your DD needs to know that they can't stamp their feet and always get what they want.

Good luck

Even if they were full siblings there is no guarantee they would play nicely and love each other. 5 year age gap between me and my older sister. She hated me and we fought like cat and dog until the day she left home at 18. As adults we became best friends but as children no way.

whats done is done and its not our place to judge really is it? all OP wants is some advice moving forwards no need to be nasty.

My advice is you both need to accept that your 10 year old was a much younger child when you rushed her into a new family arrangement and she's now asserting her views and opinions in a totally appropriate way. You both need to accept and respect that, and be prepared that as she moves towards adolescence she will get more independent, more challenging and less interested in her step (and indeed half) siblings. You cannot micromanage her relationships and you should be prepared for some tough questions from her as she gets older.

do you remember being a kid? It’s never fun being forced to play/interact with someone. Including siblings.

They aren’t siblings though and trying to force that relationship will do no one any good. She knows that it’s not her sister telling her that she is, is just lying. She has to be nice and respectful but that’s it. 2 has to go to 2 different homes with step siblings, honestly you need to cut her some slack and think about yourself at that age in that position.

I agree with you OP. I think this is very normal sibling behaviour. Neither child is wrong and there is no suggestion that they don't love each other. I expect given their ages they will have a very normal sibling bond. I think in situations like you describe it is best to offer compromise - so "on this occasion 10 year old is making them on her own to show us what she has learned, but maybe at the weekend she could teach you" or something like that. There is a balance to be had and the blended family issue is not really the point, is just siblings I think

I have a DD15, she has a 7yo Sister at dads & 2 step-brothers (husbands sons) 11 & 13 who are with us 50%. Also have plenty of cousins who stay over at times. My DD sometimes wants to hang out with the others & sometimes doesn't. 13yo DS also has moments where he wants to be left to himself/prefers adults. My 11yo DS loves people & company 24/7. We don't force them to spend time together but do encourage them not leaving the other out. I would suggest encouraging your elder to hang out with 5yo doing at least something once a day they are together and then on other instances I would encourage 5yo to give sis space. It's a balance between them both I think 😊 not always easy but maybe worth speaking with your husband to agree & be on the same page?

So if DC1 is in the house MTTF & EOW and DC2 is over MT & EOW, can you swap things, so for example:

mon: DC1 & DC2 over, Dad takes DC2 out for dinner one week, you take DC1 out the next so you both get 1-on-1 time with your own DC.

Tue: DC2 stays, DC1 goes to Dad (instead of Weds)

Wed to Fri: DC1 home, DC2 at mum's

EOW: DC1 at your house one weekend and DC2 the next.

You and your DH chose to live together, your DC didn't.

With minimal juggling, each DC will get much more focus when they're home with their own parent and less cross over with the sibling they don't get along with.

Try that for a while and then the minimal contact they have on Monday nights should be a breeze.