Blended Siblings Issues

[Justgirls]

Three girls. One his, one mine, one together. There is a 5 year age gap between the oldest and middle(his/mine) The older sibling seems to be annoyed by the younger most of the time. Causing issues with my husband and I. Both kids go back and forth between homes. The 10 year old goes to her dads where there she has 4 step/half siblings all girls as well. The 5 year old goes to her moms where there is a baby that’s not quite 1.

There are times when the 10 year old comes off so annoyed with the 5 year old where she doesn’t want to play with her or engage with her. It stinks because the 5 year old is over the moon with her.

My husband thinks we need to force the relationship and teach that they are siblings and they have to love each other. I come from a different point of view that he seems to think is just because the one causing the issue is mine.

I see it as, there is a 5 year age gap. That is normal for the younger to be so excited for the older and for the older to be annoyed at the younger. They are on different levels. The 10 year old plays with the younger on her own terms which as the older sibling seems normal to me.

Last night for example. The 10 year old had asked to make grilled cheeses on Sunday because she just learned how to at her dad’s and wanted to make them at home for everyone. I told her she can make Monday night when I make chili. So last night I said okay you can make them now. The 5 year old wanted to help and the 10 year old she said she didn’t need any help. The 5 year old gets upset and goes to tell dad that the older kid told her no. She comes inside and tells the kid 10 year old. “I get to help you, daddy said so” Dad comes inside and tells me this is ridiculous that this is a teaching/leading moment for the 10 year old that there is no reason she couldn’t help her.

how do you handle this?

Should the 10 year always be forced to include the younger sibling?

Of course they adored each other when they were little. They probably thought it was all a big game of playing sisters and everything would go back to normal later.
You have both been incredibly selfish.

I agree with this. That’s a huge amount of change for the 10 year old. She needs 1-to-1 with you and space.

and if she has said no, your ‘wonderful’ husband shouldnt be overruling the no. Your husband needs a lesson in boundaries and what no means.

did 10 get to make the cheese toasties on her own? What happened?

None of which changes the facts that both you and her dad have moved on and she has just been carried along in the wake of what the adults in her life want .

I'm sorry for my assumptions regarding the timing, OP.

I do think your daughter has a lot to deal with, and it's worth considering that as you step back and think around this particular issue (which on the surface seems a fairly simple one).

I am an adult, and would struggle with the changes and interactions she must be negotiating in her home(s) day to day.

I have always been the constant for her since she is with me primarily. I agree this to me seems like something easy. There is never a situation where I would not “have my daughters back”

As a parent, I do understand that kids are kids. They are constantly learning and changing, we all are. I do not have unrealistic expectations. I just wanted insight.

Some of the comments on here are so very rude and if I truly felt the need to “defend” myself I could on here for days. Lol I did make this post knowing there may be comments that attack the situation…it is the internet.

I thank everyone for their kind input.

Your dh is in the wrong. If your dd doesn’t want to do something with your dh’s dd then she should not be forced to do it.

Acquiring two step parents and six step/half siblings on seven years is not significantly better than doing so in three years... That's a hell of a lot of part-time family members for a child. And I bet she's being pressured to get on with all of them.

Rather than defending yourself to strangers, try thinking about the impact your and your ex husband's decisions have had on her.

The fact that you knew there would be comments that "attack the situation" shows that, on some level, you know that the situation is spectacularly unfair on your daughter.

Your dd is moving into the tween phase. Then she'll be a teen. The difference between her and your dh's dd will rapidly increase.

He needs to understand that this is normal and an age issue not a sibling/step sibling issue.

Your soon to be 13yr old will face very little interest in her 8 year old ss. This is normal.

He needs to learn this. If he tried to force things he will damage his relationship with your dd and the girl's relationship with each other.

The younger will feel your dd is being unfair as her father will be sending the message that it's normal for much older siblings to spend a lot of time with their younger sibling and your dd will feel justifiably resentful and misunderstood.

Put it this way, the younger sibling will ALWAYS want more time from her older sibling (step or not). The older sibling will get very little out of spending time with their much younger sibling other than familial love. Until they are in their 20s your dd will see the much younger sibling as a cute but annoying sibling at best.

Jesus, another one who moved a partner in after a ridiculous amount of time and is now wondering why it's not working 🙄

Stop trying to force the relationship, they're not siblings.

The poor 10yr old trying to show off her newly learned toasty making skills and then being expected to babysit and share the praise with an unrelated 5 year old. I'm sure your 10yr old will grow up to completely resent your partner m, his attitude and his ridiculous expectations.

You'll have lots more issues no doubt, best of luck to you and your child, I reckon you'll need it.

The key thing is that you get on the same page as parents.

You both have valid points, based on your own experience. Why not seek out some information from someone with expertise in child psychology and development and then work out a game plan so you can both move forward with confidence.

Find a course, or just read a book and discuss it. It’s really positive that you both have strong views and great intentions and care about stuff like this.

This isn't fair on the 10 year old. She was trying out an independent skill she had just learnt, she didn't want to teach a 5 year old. We have a slightly larger gap between full siblings and the older one has to show a huge level of tolerance towards the younger one that we appreciate greatly but she often gets freedom to do grown-up things without her sibling interfering. This does upset the younger one who just wants to be like her sister and desperately wants to do everything she does but we just have to comfort her or distract her and say she can cook alone when she's older or that us or big sister we'll bake with her at the weekend.

When you have a 5yo dd then a 10yo seems like quite a big girl with a level of maturity off the scale compared to a 5yo. Your dh likes his 5yo dd more than your 10yo (fair enough really) and sees the situation from his position by her side. Your 10yo sees herself as a kid (a biggish kid, but still a kid) who wants to do ordinary things without having to involve a much smaller, often annoying, girl. It barely matters that they are unrelated - blood sisters with a 5 year gap would fall out over “it’s not faaiirrrrr” when the elder wanted to make a cheese toastie unhindered. The 10yo is adored - but she shouldn’t have to bear the burden of the adoration. It’s not her job to be constantly indulging a 5yo who wants to join in. 10yos “play” with 5yo on their own terms. They aren’t adult nursery workers, parents, grandparents or teachers. They don’t have a job to do here. They don’t need to push a chair to the sink so a toddler can “help” wash up. They don’t need to ask the little kid to choose some apples and put them in the trolley or get them to “help” stirring the cake mix. You didn’t need her to “help” making the cheese toasties but her dad taught her when it would be easier to just do it himself, and you helped and encouraged her and your house because that’s your job as her mum. She’s not the 5yos mum, she doesn’t need to do it, she can just enjoy her grilled cheese in peace. The 5yo, if I’m following this, has FOUR parents but her dad is dumping on a 10yo. Just no.

Don’t force it. That will make it worse!!!
It isn’t always the case that siblings get on ever, creating a pressured confrontational environment trying to force that may just cause pre teen to dig their heels in. No one likes being told what to do and little kids are annoying so it’s totally normal for the oldest not to particularly want or enjoy time with the youngest. Allowing space to be apart and some low pressure time/activities together may help over time.

Even if they were biological full siblings you would have these issues, it’s totally normal. It’ll wear off as the younger one gets older and less annoying! In terms of “forced” interactions there’s probably a balance - I wouldn’t let the older one be nasty and I’d do things with both of them to encourage a good relationship but I would also make sure she got plenty of time to herself in peace because 5 year olds are annoying! You can’t force love and the blended bit is irrelevant to that - plenty of full bio siblings hate each other 🤣.

Your kid is the one being mean! How would you feel if the 5 year old was yours and the 10 year old his and she kept saying no to yours?
You'd be on Mumsnet complaining that your DH wasn't forcing his daughter to have a relationship with yours!

I have half siblings with big age gaps, three who lived with me, my mum and my dad full time. The biggest age gap is 10 years and my parents tried to force us to get on and it did breed some resentment (especially my sister but I think that’s because they used her for childcare which is very unfair). You cannot force children to love each other, and especially when there’s big age gaps, you can’t even make them get on. Now we are all adults I love my siblings and we are all very close, closer than a lot of full siblings I know but it’s because we get along. We are very similar and would probably be friends even if we weren’t related. That’s what actually will dictate their relationship in the future. It’s a bit unrealistic to expect a 10 year old to want to hang out with a 5 year old and she probably feels like a babysitter.

I have 8 years between my two. They got on really well for ages. Then my eldest hit about 11/12 and had no interest in the youngest until they were about 18/19. Now they get on really well. It's not a step issue. However if your DH pushes this it will turn into one. Good luck OP.

It's great that your 10 year old wants to cook something for her family. Most parents of 10 year olds would be over the moon! You and your DH need to make it easy for her to do nice things and practice her skills otherwise she will retreat to her bedroom and not bother. A five year old would be like a ball and chain in that scenario.

My younger sister & I have a 4 year age gap & I wanted nothing to do with her at that age. I’d have wanted even less to do with a random child who wasn’t related to me.

Now we’re really close but the more your partner pushes this, the less your DD is going to want anything to do with him & his DD.

I am one of 5 children including four girls - I was 5 years older than my next oldest sister and I absolutely hated her as a child. I am guessing partly due to the fact I was the youngest for 5 years and then suddenly she came along and stole my crown. Best of friends in our 20s/30s though.
There is such a difference between 10 and 5 - I would have said 10 year old doing this but both of you can bake cookies together tomorrow.

When one is 25 and the other 20 then they may be mates.. until then the age gap is too big

There is a 4.5 year age gap between me and my sister. We did not get on until we were adults. It’s just too big a gap. Thankfully we weren’t ever forced to play together. I think resentment would have set in otherwise.

This is a very typical situation complicated by being a blended family. Parents will always back up their own.

Trying to forcing someone to love someone else is just wrong. Those feelings need to develop naturally and trying to force the issue is just wrong.
My Dad and his younger brother had a 5 year age gap. They weren't close at all growing up because 5 years is a big age gap when you are children.
However, when they were adults, both moved out of the family home and had their own lives they then became really close and did loads of things together for years.
They later drifted apart again but these things happen.

We started getting on once I was at university & we didn’t see so much of each other.

I was forever thankful that we didn’t have to share a room though - I think that would have been a permanent death knell on any kind of friendship between us.

First of all, they aren’t siblings.
secondly, irrespective of whether they are siblings or not, they don’t have to like each other AND they are entitled to do stuff on their own and their own space. I think this is even more important given the fact they are not siblings. They both didn’t have any say in this situation and simply have to get on with the fact that there is a step parent and step siblings. It’s important that they know they have their own space and can do their own thing sometimes.
Thirdly, there is quite a difference in capabilities of a 5 yo and 10yo. A 5yo can’t do everything that a 10yo can do, and it’s unfair to expect a 10yo to always take the 5yo under their wing. Each child should be allowed to perform to the best of their ability and show what they can do on their own. The 5yo has to learn that there are things they are still too young for and that there are things the 10yo will do alone.
your husband is just being a lazy parent because he needs to step up and be the one who says no to his child. But it’s easier for him to avoid saying no to her by pampering her and making the rest adapt to the 5yo.
You need to stand up for your child and show her you have her back.