Blended Siblings Issues

[Justgirls]

Three girls. One his, one mine, one together. There is a 5 year age gap between the oldest and middle(his/mine) The older sibling seems to be annoyed by the younger most of the time. Causing issues with my husband and I. Both kids go back and forth between homes. The 10 year old goes to her dads where there she has 4 step/half siblings all girls as well. The 5 year old goes to her moms where there is a baby that’s not quite 1.

There are times when the 10 year old comes off so annoyed with the 5 year old where she doesn’t want to play with her or engage with her. It stinks because the 5 year old is over the moon with her.

My husband thinks we need to force the relationship and teach that they are siblings and they have to love each other. I come from a different point of view that he seems to think is just because the one causing the issue is mine.

I see it as, there is a 5 year age gap. That is normal for the younger to be so excited for the older and for the older to be annoyed at the younger. They are on different levels. The 10 year old plays with the younger on her own terms which as the older sibling seems normal to me.

Last night for example. The 10 year old had asked to make grilled cheeses on Sunday because she just learned how to at her dad’s and wanted to make them at home for everyone. I told her she can make Monday night when I make chili. So last night I said okay you can make them now. The 5 year old wanted to help and the 10 year old she said she didn’t need any help. The 5 year old gets upset and goes to tell dad that the older kid told her no. She comes inside and tells the kid 10 year old. “I get to help you, daddy said so” Dad comes inside and tells me this is ridiculous that this is a teaching/leading moment for the 10 year old that there is no reason she couldn’t help her.

how do you handle this?

Should the 10 year always be forced to include the younger sibling?

Dad and I started dating when his daughter was 2 and my daughter was turning 7. We did move in together in about 6 months and were married quickly after.

Sweet fucking christ!

FWIW, I agree with you, OP. Even if they were blood siblings, there could be this sort of friction between them, and you can’t force a relationship. All you can do is make sure they remain kind to each other.
No child should be forced to ‘play’ or engage with another child they don’t wish to engage with, but they should not be allowed to be rude about it. That’s all you should insist upon.

She isn’t being mean. She is behaving like a perfectly normal 10 year old child. Older siblings, step or otherwise, are not free childcare and younger children suffer no harm from being told no on occasion. It would do an awful lot of them some good.

I have boys full siblings, my 11 year old doesn’t really play with my 5 year old, winds him up and rarely interacts with him, I can probably count the times they’ve done something just the two of them, on one hand in the last 6 months.
When the 5 year old was a cute baby/toddler all his brothers engaged with him loads, but not so much now he is older. I don’t force interactions with them, they are massively into different things etc my guess is when they are older again is when they will hang out more.

Doesn't seem like OP is interested in the replies.

This honestly sounds like normal
sibling behaviour! And yes I would view them as sisters as well. I say this as someone who has step parents, step siblings and step children! Just explain to your DH that both girls need to learn that they can’t always get their own way (as all children do), but it is also important for the older girl to learn new age appropriate skills that a 5 year old won’t always be able to do. She’ll have more independence when she goes to secondary school for example. You’ll have similar issues with your youngest in a few years - siblings always bicker over this kind of thing. Lots of reassurance, love and fair treatment will see them through.

We always discourage our kids from parent hopping to get a different answer, eg mum said no but maybe dad will say yes... Even if the second parent would have answered differently had they been asked first, we agree to back each other up- we just talk it out later without the kids around and learn from it if we could have handled it differently, including talking out if we disagree on anything, because for sure sometimes we do. Be careful husband isn’t setting up to have miss 7 running to daddy every time she doesn’t get her way, she needs to know that if you tell her something, it stands.. same in reverse for your daughter though.

She is 10, going though or on the verge of puberty. She has been/ will be growing up and changing a lot over the next few years.

A 5 year age gap is massive when you are talking about a 10y/o and a 5 y/o, or a 15 y/o and a 10y/o, or a 20 y/o and a 15y/o. This is natural for blood siblings and you cannot force a relationship.
Your dd will also start to grow away from you as she grows up and you run the risk of alienating her from you if you contnue to force this.
They are in different stages of their lives and will have little in common and you and your dh need to accept that or you will have a very difficult 10 years ahead of you.

Once they are in their 20’s the gap will shrink and provided you haven't alienated them from each other they will have an adult relationship.