Blended Siblings Issues

[Justgirls]

Three girls. One his, one mine, one together. There is a 5 year age gap between the oldest and middle(his/mine) The older sibling seems to be annoyed by the younger most of the time. Causing issues with my husband and I. Both kids go back and forth between homes. The 10 year old goes to her dads where there she has 4 step/half siblings all girls as well. The 5 year old goes to her moms where there is a baby that’s not quite 1.

There are times when the 10 year old comes off so annoyed with the 5 year old where she doesn’t want to play with her or engage with her. It stinks because the 5 year old is over the moon with her.

My husband thinks we need to force the relationship and teach that they are siblings and they have to love each other. I come from a different point of view that he seems to think is just because the one causing the issue is mine.

I see it as, there is a 5 year age gap. That is normal for the younger to be so excited for the older and for the older to be annoyed at the younger. They are on different levels. The 10 year old plays with the younger on her own terms which as the older sibling seems normal to me.

Last night for example. The 10 year old had asked to make grilled cheeses on Sunday because she just learned how to at her dad’s and wanted to make them at home for everyone. I told her she can make Monday night when I make chili. So last night I said okay you can make them now. The 5 year old wanted to help and the 10 year old she said she didn’t need any help. The 5 year old gets upset and goes to tell dad that the older kid told her no. She comes inside and tells the kid 10 year old. “I get to help you, daddy said so” Dad comes inside and tells me this is ridiculous that this is a teaching/leading moment for the 10 year old that there is no reason she couldn’t help her.

how do you handle this?

Should the 10 year always be forced to include the younger sibling?

My brother (full sibling) is 5 years younger than me. Growing up, he adored me and wanted to do everything I was doing. I found it incredibly irritating as he was not able to do things at the same level as I was and this spoilt things for me. I particularly hated it when my parents wanted me to put up with it and let him join in even though they could see it would spoil things for me. I felt that it was their job to entertain/occupy him and not mine and that his needs always trumped mine.

I only really started to like him when I went to university and he became an independent teenager. From then on we got on brilliantly - and still do 60 odd years later.

You cannot force a relationship, whether the children are full siblings or not. Your poor DD is overwhelmed with step and half siblings and needs some space and to feel valued in her own right. My heart goes out to her.

With 4 half/step siblings at her dad's she's probably desperate at yours to get some space and be her own person vs lumped in with sisters.

100% she should have been able to make the sandwiches by herself. If she's not allowed these small moments she'll withdraw and just stay in her room.

You and your husband need to get onto the same page and not undermine each other. So no going to another parent and saying “I get to help you, daddy said so” - that would be so annoying to your daughter and creates a divided household.

Is your husband an only/youngest child so he doesn't know how annoying they can be? lol

He's not a wonderful man though. According to your very own opening post.

This sounds like a normal age gap issue between siblings, irrespective of whether they are full siblings, step siblings or whatever. Your DH just needs to understand this is a normal part of growing up and forcing a relationship will only make their relationship more difficult.

There could be a compromise. In this case, you’re cooking chilli, DD10 is making grilled cheeses and DH and DD5 could make a guacamole together so everyone is helping with dinner, but DD10 still has space to show off her new skill.

There needs to be a balance between having children do things jointly and include each other, and attention given to each of them according to their needs/likes/wants/abilities. And you and your DH desperately need to be on side so there is no your-kid-my-kid going on, which is what it sounds like.

That’s a hell of a lot of kids and multiple complex family dynamics for any young kid to cope with ….in normal sibling relationships you have to work hard to foster good relationships between sibs, it’s not a given that any will get along, so I can only imagine how tough that is for kids in these sort of complicated blended families. at the end of the day you have to remember that none of these kids chose to be in this situation, it’s up to the parents to lead and support their children in developing a healthy relationship. You can never force but you can foster a balance of time together versus time apart , teach your kids to talk to each other and to you, express what is in their minds and learn how to say sorry and accept apologies.

He is in the wrong, they aren't friends or siblings and even if they were you can't force a relationship. This will just lead to resentment.

The terrible, selfish decision that the OP and her husband made is the direct cause of the issues they are currently facing, so I'm afraid it's not as simple as "what's done is done".

Sometimes, there is a need to point out to people when they've fucked up where their children are concerned. Perhaps my comment will make the OP reflect on why she prioritised her new relationship over her daughter's wellbeing, and how she might try to repair that now by advocating for her daughter.

blended families don’t work. I know that’s not what you want to hear - but they don’t. It’s better somebody is honest with you.

I mean, my advice would have been:

(1) slow down
(2) a 2yo is going to change her behaviour and feelings and feelings many times a day, let alone week/month/year
(3) so will a 7yo
(4) don’t expect a 2/3/4yo to “love” another child at all times, sibling or not
(5) take a good long look at your DH, because whereas he might be the best possible dad to his child from what you’ve written he’s not the best possible “dad” to yours.

But that ship has sailed. So now my advice to you would be to see what’s there, not what you want to see; and be realistic about how these girls are growing up with nothing but step-siblings in every household they live in, part time. In your posts you come across as shockingly naive, and I have to wonder how old you actually are.

10 year old doesn’t have any kids, so it’s not her responsibility to entertain someone else’s kid when she doesn’t want to. Obviously she has to be nice and make an effort at times, but non of this is on her, you decided to remarry and move someone else and their kid in not her.

Id handle this by putting my DD first above an adult males wishes, he’s not her parent and he doesn’t get to decide anything for your DD, but it sounds like that ship has sailed.

but it IS a case of whats done is done. I think we can tell from OP's posts and replies that perhaps if they were to 'do it all again' then they would probably do it very differently.

they ARE now in this situation, yes it is of their own doing, but here we are. Bashing the OP instead of offering some constructive advice would be a little better.

I admit, I've done the same as OP. Met and married within 6 months! at the time I thought I WAS thinking of my children, however, now i know, had i have given things a bit more thought and known my DH and his childrens situation better, then things would likely have turned out different. but here we are. I know what i did wrong without people constantly rubbing my nose it in and what I had to do was work it out, pretty much what OP is doing now.

We and I did work it out, I love my DH desperatly and not being him was never an option, so, all i can say to the OP is, find a way, find a way that is good for BOTH or ALL children and make sure its a way that both you and your DH agree on. It can be done, it will leave scars, but I'm many years down the line now, and my children are perfectly normal and adjusted.

A 10 yr old will not get on all the time with a 5 yr old, even where they have grown up together - simply because of the age and maturity difference.

OP, your daughter in the space of 3 years has gone from being an only child (at 7) to now (at 10) having 6 siblings of various types (2 at home, 4 at her father's house). That is a lot for a young child to have to deal with.

Your husband is being both unrealistic and unfair.

I admit, I've done the same as OP.

Yes, I'd assumed as much given your response to my comment. It certainly isn't your place to judge the OP.

The only advice is to tell your husband this is exactly how a full sibling 10 year old sister would treat her annoying (to her) 5 year old little sister.

He is the problem in your scenario in trying to force the 10yo to engage with the 5yo so much.

Therefore as you say you are seeking advice my advice is for him to step away. If his 5yo has already been told no then no it is. He doesn't get to overrule everyone or anyone.

I have two DC with a similar age gap. Slightly younger than yours so my comments won't be as relevant as if the ages were similar but here goes:

• Don't demonise each other's kids. It's natural to see the POV of your own child to the greatest degree, but the 10yo is not selfish and the 5yo is not annoying. Instead, the age gap is just awkward right now and their personalities are clashing.
• (Perhaps more relevant for your DH from the sound of it) Don't be unfair to one child for the sake of an easy life or to avoid disharmony. Life is going to have its tricky moments (and whining children) sometimes. 10yo should not be expected to give in so that you and your DH can have an easy life without the 5yo whining. Likewise, 10yo should be willing to compromise and do things as a family sometimes.
• Set aside time/activities which are just for each child and where the other child doesn't get to join in. Agree these with your DH so you take a common approach.
• Designate certain activities as 'joint' ones open to either child if they want to join in. Tell 10yo that she doesn't have to, but that you'd really appreciate her joining in occasionally if she can bear it because the 5yo loves her company. Praise her - "You make it more fun".
• Each child needs their own space that they can retreat to and do their own thing.

I would also reiterate to your DH that you and your DD are not there to entertain his child. He doesn't get to co-opt your child to keep his child happy so he doesn't have to parent. Instead, he and you (as a blended family) need to agree parenting duties between you and he is primarily responsible for keeping his DD amused and happy when she is staying. Neither you nor your DD are free "babysitters".

Honestly, this will take a lot of work and conversations together and with each child. And you and your DH are poles apart on this issue, so you are starting from a really rocky place. I'd suggest family therapy for the two of you together to begin with, to think this through, so you offer these children some consistency and stability.

The last thing that you should do if a child is finding another child annoying is force them to spend more time with them. That won’t make them love them. It will make them hate them.

They are not siblings , there is no obligation for them to do anything together they just need to tolerate and be civil as they both share a house . FWIW you got together / moved in etc way too quickly and despite your daughter originally getting on really well you may find that some therapy would help her . Imagine going from being a 7 yr old that has one parent to herself to a 10 yr old whose parents have both moved on and in the space of a few years she’s now one of many .

Absolutely- the poor girl has gained six half/step siblings in three years! As well as two step-parents!

The things people put their kids through never fail to astound me.

Even if they were full siblings, maybe especially so as they would always be together, forcing the older one to include the younger one will just make her hate and resent her. She'll be out of the house as soon as she can because she'll be so sick of it.

With a 5y age gap you cannot force them together, they're at completely different stages.

Both myself and my MIL have younger sisters by 4-5 years and our relationship with them is poles apart, because she was parented like your DP is doing it and my parents only told me to be nice to my sister when we were on holiday!

Your quick assumptions are inaccurate. I stated the living situation for my child. I didn’t say she got two step parents and all of her sibling 3 years apart. Her dad has been with her step mom since she was about 3. Therefore the other children in that household she has been around for 7 years now.

They're not siblings. If you got divorced, they'd probably never see each other again. Though each would presumably spend some time with your joint child.

It sounds like your DD has gone from being an only child with you and ex-DH, to being with you by herself for a bit, and now there's a whole new complex family setup.

My advice is this...

1. she's 10... any 5-year age gap between siblings is incredibly difficult to navigate at any time

1. In the last 3.5 years she's acquired SIX younger siblings of one form or another in her life!! And with a race of different adults attached to them.

1. She's surrounded by a large number of people coming and going all the time. How often is she ever in one house where all of the same people are there two nights in a row? I bet not often.

It's hard I know, and I don't have a blended family situation.

But at 10, you DD needs a very constant relationship with you (and at best you have a new baby), some privacy, some consistency in her day to day life, and some respect for being everyone's big sister.

I don't actually know how you achieve this given your circumstances but I think everyone including you needs to really slow down and consider her needs.