Normal behaviour for a father of a 5 year old boy?

[Mamadayle]

I have genuine concerns over the way my partner acts towards my son, how he talks to him and how he talks about him to me which causes argument after argument. He's always been a perfectionist with high expectations of us both, but the last 2 years it has been another level.

I'd be keen to hear others thoughts on this as I often wonder if it's me in my head...some examples are...

My son went back to school this week after the christmas break and was very upset going in - he loves being with us and i was expecting him to be upset. I comforted him, waited with him until he calmed down after a few minutes and when I turned around my partner had stormed off home, without saying a word to me or him.

He then proceeded to call him a lazy b*ard when I got home and that he never wants to do anything. He has also called him Fat and said the above because he has never shown an interest in sports, riding his bike or any classes we have taken him to - bearing in mind he is only 5 years old. My partner gets angry at him when he doesn't pick something up right away - for example swimming - he wants him to be good at everything without putting the time or effort into teaching him. During a holiday in October my partner said he wouldn't go in the pool with him unless he would swim (he only started lessons properly this year) so i spent the entire week in the pool with him as his Dad would let him go under and try to 'teach him the hard way'.

He is always short, snappy, harsh - and can never handle any of the 'negative emotions' my son shows. Whether that be crying, angry / tantrums, huffing or fussyness around food - it always sits on me to try to negotiate or calm the situation. In fact when he is showing any of those emotions, my partner taunts him and goads him which makes it worse and then it escalates to a full on meltdown that I need to calm down, everytime. It's like having two children.

He also doesn't do much around the house, my to do list like many mothers is 1000 list long whereas he very much sees to himself, has never taken my son for a day out alone, never organises any play dates or fun things to do, wasn't interested in making christmas or new year special for him or me, it was all down to me, and I am at a point where i cannot breathe. He also went out at the weekend and got home at 7am after going back to an after party (he is late 30's and whilst he goes out alot, that was unusual) he isn't cheating but was up drinking and god knows what else all night, which meant the day after he spent in bed and yet again I solo parented all day. When i asked him why he did thast he replied 'because i wanted to'. WTF? He has a football season ticket so spends alot of Saturdays or Sundays away, never just for the game, it always involves the pub before and after, unless he is hungover and will sometimes take the car - always for a pint after though.

We own our house together and the area we live in near our sons school is very expensive so I would struggle to buy somewhere on my own but it could be possible. I just really don't want to unsettle my son who is a sensitive little soul, but on the other hand his dads behaviour is starting to shape him. What does everyone think? Am i going mad? Is this normal? Have you experienced anything similar? I'm at my wits end and fail to see how any grown man his age cannot recognise his behaviour or wrongdoings? I've suggested therapy before but of course, he doesn't need it. He won't leave the house, won't even sleep on the sofa when I don't want him near me......argh, help!

He absolutely is and trust me when I say I have, daily. Mostly not in front of my son but I do stand up for my son always and am told I am undermining him. I agree with everything everyone is saying.

I think it's obvious who the lazy b*ard is here and it's not your poor little boy.

I'm not going to rip into you as life is hardly ever straightforward and we all face our own challenges, but you've shown by what you've posted that you know you need to take steps to protect him from his bullying, abusive father.

I might be prepared to give DP a chance if he agreed to intense psychotherapy, ideally twice a week, to get to the bottom of his behaviour. But this could only work if he himself felt he had a problem . If he didn’t see his behaviour as problematic hand on heart I would leave. Your poor little boy. He’ll grow up an absolute nervous wreck with no confidence.

The thing is though, for everyone saying leave - then the dad will just have unsupervised solo time with the boy, potentially 50-50. I'm not saying don't leave if you have to, but it's not a simple way of stopping his behaviour impacting the child.

Yes, look at the treadmill case op, I bet it started like this. I felt like throwing up when I saw the video, and is one of those things you can never unsee. I'm not saying your partner would go this far, but major red flags are being shown. Damage is happening even at it's current level, and this will only escalate as your son grows.

He is disgusting. He is abusive to your child and to you. He has absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever. Please leave him as he isn't a fit and safe person to have around your child.

True, although I don't think this is a convincing argument for women staying in abusive relationships.

But many of these useless dads eventually stop making the effort to see their kids when they move on to another relationship - hopefully that it what will happen here.

This. He’s a vile bully! LTB.

The fact that he is saying it about his own son is disgusting enough. Then you said he is taunting him op, what kind of pathetic grown man would taunt a little kid? It makes me furious. Please listen to everyone and leave, document everything. Can you report your husband's behaviour to a social worker? Does anybody know what to do, to ensure supervised visits?

Sorry it posted twice.

You have an abusive miserable marriage,
a few things stood out for me
He nothing to make Christmas nice for his family - he is the father of a little boy that IS his job !

“ he has high expectations of us both “. That gave me chills who does he think he is to make you feel you have some high standards you need to keep up to . I’d find that very unsettling in my own home . Not relaxing at all

you can move and change his school
you don’t need him to agree to leave / sleep on the sofa you see a solicitor and they can arrange the sale of the home
dint let financial fear stand in the way of protecting your son from this monster

he did not care about you when he walked off from you , he did not care that you were left in the swimming pool all summer , he does not care that he does not do his share around the home - HE DOES NOT CARE do nt stay with someone who cares do little for you

Nailed it. I didn't even read it all, it's appalling what he's doing.

The fact @Mamadayle you haven't immediately realised this is abusive means your thinking has been messed with, most likely by your 'D' P. There's no way you wouldn't think this was abuse unless you're in an abusive/controlling relationship or had an abusive parent growing up. I know how abuse makes you second guess yourself and feel like you can't be certain of anything, so sometimes you need to rely on people outside the situation to see clearly with eyes that haven't been fogged by abuse. You need to get yourself and your child away from him. He's the one with the problem, he's the one incapable of being a decent human being. He is the problem, but you need to get you and your son away from him before he does more damage to you both. I wish you all the best.

You aren't going mad - I'm really sorry for what you're going through. It's horrendous. Your partner needs therapy to deal with his triggers from his own relationships in childhood, and you and your son need to leave. Be kind to yourself. Don't let the cycle continue. If you can seek practical and emotional help. If it's like this now when your son is only 5 (he's ONLY 5 the poor lad) imagine how it might get if left unchecked when he's bigger, older and more f*cked up by his dad? Sending you strong vibes and big hugs xx

What @OlderMumAndProudOfIt said ☝

Please contact Women's Aid and Rights of Women for help and advice about how to leave him safely. Although he is absolutely horrible to you and your child, he will probably get in a narcissistic rage once he knows that you want to leave him. You need to get some support in place as soon as possible.

Tell him bluntly that he is abusing his son as he was abused, and ask him to stop. Offer him support to change his behaviour or you will leave. You may wish to leave anyway, but your son will still have him as a father so in your shoes, I would try to help him see the damage he will do before I would leave him to it. Awful situation for you, very difficult.

I never normally jump to this but - leave him. Honestly. Sounds horrific.

It's a horrible situation for both you and ds. I would contact women's aid asap or citizens Advice who hopefully will be able to help you. Do you have supportive family or friends near by? I would tell someone close to you asap so that someone in RL has your back.

IMO, the situation is well past this point
This man is toxic and abusive, which means his issues are far too deeply ingrained to rectify any time soon, if at all. It is safest for op to leave. I wouldn't even tell him, I would do it when he is out on one of his benders. You don't know how he'll react, so i wouldn't risk telling him. Sell the house from afar, as another pp recommended, restraining order if possible, and change school. Keep your son's current school informed also. They can do some work/activities with your son to see how he is feelings/emotions/happy/sad etc

Supervised visits and him working on himself can happen when you're not living together.

Surely surely surely you MUST know it's not acceptable for a father to call their 5 year old son lazy and fat? I don't even need to read the rest. The first example was enough! Horrible man. Get your poor son away from him

Your son is being abused.

Getting him away from his dad will help him develop confidence and happiness. With a “dad” like that, it’s no wonder that your son doesn’t want to do anything - he’s learned that doing stuff increases the chances of dad kicking off and treating him like shit.

So sorry OP. As everyone else has said, it's important you get your little boy out of there now before lasting psychological damage is done.

And given your husband is a pisshead who has never done any actual parenting by the sounds of it, I think the chances of him 1) asking for 50 50 and 2) actually sticking to it are around zero

my partner taunts him and goads him

I only read as far as this sentence. Your partner is an abusive bully and you should not let this man anywhere near your child. Get rid of him as it won't be long before he starts physically hurting him with pushing, pulling, ragging him about. If you don't get rid then you are just as abusive but in a different way.

Seriously, get this man away fro your child.

Please leave. This has got to be one of the saddest things I've ever read on here. This is 100% emotional abuse. Your poor boy.

His behaviour is abusive. I think you know this. It doesn’t sound like he adds much to your life as a result partner either. As someone who grew up with a critical, volatile, verbally abusive father who I walked on eggshells around, you should find a way to leave and protect your son.