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Original poster

MIL drops kids off Boxing Day

80 replies

Mumof3andahampster · 27/12/2024 05:42

I’m a house proud mum of 3 that likes to entertain. For Boxing Day we invited both mine and DH family over for buffet and games. My DH’s SIL is a single mum and her parents do a lot for her. She brought her kids over stayed 5 minutes and said she wasn’t feeling well and left them with us to look after, granted her parents were there and she felt that they were in their care but they are young kids. It meant me trying to sort food, games and watch them as they need constant reminders to take shoes off, not eat upstairs etc. I suppose I’m just coming on to rant and wondering if I should say something, not invite them next time or just try to loosen up? For background, this isn’t the first time that this has happened. If she can get away with anyone else watching the kids she will.

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OnlyMabelInTheBuilding · 27/12/2024 08:35

MumonabikeE5 · 27/12/2024 08:31

Or maybe she has been parenting solo and is exhausted, and knows she won’t be good company and would really like a bit of time alone.

surely there are other kids there, and her kids can play with the cousins?

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So she should ask. Hi, I can’t cope with my own kids, can I have some help please.

Not just drop and run and give people no choice.

That is CF behaviour.

Ladybyrd · 27/12/2024 09:14

Just get them to take shoes off as soon as they arrive and put them in a cupboard until they are leaving

For a second there, I thought you meant the children. Problem solved 😂

Original poster
Mumof3andahampster · 27/12/2024 09:25

I understand regarding the not coping and will consider this although they do see their dad and go to him for a week today, her parents also have them lots for her. It is a constant thing and if it was one of my siblings children then I would have them over and over as we all help each other out. I’ve been stuck in the past when she’s had two weeks of her children being with their dad and she does not ever help in return. It’s always me who does it and I think that yesterday was just something I had planned for a long time and was looking forward too. I do say shoes by the door etc but one of them somehow got his ‘poo’ all over the bathroom and on the floor. Can’t be helped as he’s little but it just wasn’t nice and my family didn’t like it (my mum and DH cleaned it up). I think I will go with one response on here and keep things separate until her children are older which is a shame for them and I do feel bad as it’s them missing out.

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Zimunya · 27/12/2024 09:37

Mumof3andahampster · 27/12/2024 06:09

DH doesn’t have much of a relationship with them, I think it annoys him that she does this and as you said.. he kind of left them to it.

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But he has a relationship with you. He could see you were trying to “sort food, games and watch them as they need constant reminders to take shoes off, not eat upstairs etc” - I can’t understand why he wouldn’t step in and help. Unless there is other info you haven’t shared, I would say your SIL is a CF but so is your husband. Hosting is hard work and a joint effort. From your post it sounds like you organised all the food and drink, organised the games, and looked after other people’s kids whilst he spent the time drinking.

NewNameNoelle · 27/12/2024 09:41

Maybe she’s actually really unwell. Sure she could have gone about it in a better way but perhaps she was desperate?

I’m really unwell (see separate thread) and have contemplated asking my MIL to have the kids as I’m barely able to provide them with basic care. I’d hate to think my MIL wouldn’t want to help in these circumstances (luckily I know she would love to have them and would step in to help however she could)

susiedaisy1912 · 27/12/2024 09:43

She saw an opportunity to dump the kids and have some time alone and she took it. Whether that makes her a CF or a single mum who's exhausted and needs a break, only you and your family will know op.

Soontobe60 · 27/12/2024 09:47

NewNameNoelle · 27/12/2024 09:41

Maybe she’s actually really unwell. Sure she could have gone about it in a better way but perhaps she was desperate?

I’m really unwell (see separate thread) and have contemplated asking my MIL to have the kids as I’m barely able to provide them with basic care. I’d hate to think my MIL wouldn’t want to help in these circumstances (luckily I know she would love to have them and would step in to help however she could)

She wasn’t that unwell if she managed to get her children up, dressed and drive over to OPs house. If she HAD been so unwell, she would have phoned up OP, explained she wasn’t able to come then wait for OP to suggest DH picked the kids up for a couple of hours.
She’s being very cheeky, and was likely in the pub or with a bloke back at her house!

foghead · 27/12/2024 09:53

Do your dc get on with their cousins?
I was in a similar situation for years but the Dc got on so I just let them come to mine or accompany us on outings while sil had a break.
Now years later, they are all teens and young adults and are very close as cousins and my dns are very close to me. They'll call and message me, come and just hang out with us and I really enjoy their company.
For me and my family, it's been really positive.

ItOnlyTakesTwoMinutes · 27/12/2024 09:55

Mumof3andahampster · 27/12/2024 06:09

DH doesn’t have much of a relationship with them, I think it annoys him that she does this and as you said.. he kind of left them to it.

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To be fair… he can’t leave it to you if you don’t pick it up…

’DH, nephew needs *’ ands repeat.

Alpinesnoozer · 27/12/2024 10:01

Yes she was cheeky but this was also a GP issue and if I were you I would have spoken up. Along the lines of- "GP are you okay to look after kids as I will be busy - if not they will need to go home". So no uncertainties.

Lavenderandbrown · 27/12/2024 10:30

Next time she wants to leave necuse she is “ill” she takes her kids with her. If i inderstand sil left sick and mil/ fil werent watching either. As a one off ok but if its a pattern think she sees family events as free time for her. You PIL may choose to help her and if so i would
repeatedly direct them towards GC needs. You’re hosting not babysitting. As children age you can include them more. Always in my family the ones who get the most help
appreciate it the least and their kids seem the most difficult to manage.

Original poster
Mumof3andahampster · 27/12/2024 10:32

foghead · 27/12/2024 09:53

Do your dc get on with their cousins?
I was in a similar situation for years but the Dc got on so I just let them come to mine or accompany us on outings while sil had a break.
Now years later, they are all teens and young adults and are very close as cousins and my dns are very close to me. They'll call and message me, come and just hang out with us and I really enjoy their company.
For me and my family, it's been really positive.

Mine would have preferred that they weren’t here. I have a big family and the cousins on my side are very close.

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Original poster
Mumof3andahampster · 27/12/2024 10:37

Lavenderandbrown · 27/12/2024 10:30

Next time she wants to leave necuse she is “ill” she takes her kids with her. If i inderstand sil left sick and mil/ fil werent watching either. As a one off ok but if its a pattern think she sees family events as free time for her. You PIL may choose to help her and if so i would
repeatedly direct them towards GC needs. You’re hosting not babysitting. As children age you can include them more. Always in my family the ones who get the most help
appreciate it the least and their kids seem the most difficult to manage.

I think this is it, my children and their cousins on my side are more appreciative of each others things etc. and just ended up moaning about them yesterday which made things harder again. I’m always told by MIL that mine are ‘lucky’ as they get taken places etc and that I should include SIL children more as they miss out but then I do and she uses it as babysitting. I’ve asked her to come places in the past and she ends up asking me to take the children last minute as she can’t. Is it ‘lucky’ as they say for my children, as I feel it’s the effort that’s been put in.

OP posts:
Lavenderandbrown · 27/12/2024 10:59

uggh its not luck dear MIL its planning. . Mil
is enabler? Sil feels she has hard/ harder life? Irregardless you are inviting a family to a party not inviting children to a party. A previous poster said…nieces/ nephews come
get your coats on mom is leaving. It’s hard the first time and sil will act surprised and offended but it will get easier next time and there will be a next time. Pil want dgc to stay? Every single need gets redirected to them and they check on dgc when asked and they clean up the bathroom. They are all taking advantage.

Moonshine5 · 27/12/2024 11:47

Single parenting is relentless and hard full stop. No matter how much support you have.

OP - sounds like your family is closer with your side of the family and you tolerate DH family.

That's absolutely normal and fine, but please leave the judgement at the door and stop inviting them.

It's a shame for the children but as you said OP - your children don't like spending time with their cousins. Maybe speak to your DH so you can "host" happily next year.

SadSandwich · 27/12/2024 11:52

So what time did you SIL pick up her kids from yours? And what did she do - sleep?

UnstableEquilibrium · 27/12/2024 11:58

Personally I'd be fine with having my DC's cousins over on Boxing Day: it makes it more of a party for all 5 of them. Surely five kids with new Christmas toys to show off should be able to entertain themselves without too much wrangling.

However you don't want to do this and more crucially neither does DH. It's DH's call. If he doesn't think SIL should do this then he should say something (and not something starting "DW thinks..")

Do not be suckered into making yourself the bitch here.

geekygardener · 27/12/2024 16:10

I don't understand why you did this and why you didn't direct any care to your husband and his parents. I'd have gone to them and said sil dc need x y z. They are doing x y z and need an adult to stop them. Then I'd have got on with enjoying myself and hosting my family.

Original poster
Mumof3andahampster · 27/12/2024 20:15

geekygardener · 27/12/2024 16:10

I don't understand why you did this and why you didn't direct any care to your husband and his parents. I'd have gone to them and said sil dc need x y z. They are doing x y z and need an adult to stop them. Then I'd have got on with enjoying myself and hosting my family.

I think I do it because they will leave them do as they please and I worry too much about the house and what mess they are causing being left.

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Original poster
Mumof3andahampster · 27/12/2024 20:17

UnstableEquilibrium · 27/12/2024 11:58

Personally I'd be fine with having my DC's cousins over on Boxing Day: it makes it more of a party for all 5 of them. Surely five kids with new Christmas toys to show off should be able to entertain themselves without too much wrangling.

However you don't want to do this and more crucially neither does DH. It's DH's call. If he doesn't think SIL should do this then he should say something (and not something starting "DW thinks..")

Do not be suckered into making yourself the bitch here.

There were 10 children in total with mine and the other cousins from my side. I would have been fine if it was a one off and she was genuinely unwell but it’s a regular occurrence. She wasn’t well in our wedding either and sent her children, said she was again unwell. SIL parents did watch them but it meant they couldn’t fully enjoy.

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Original poster
Mumof3andahampster · 27/12/2024 20:18

SadSandwich · 27/12/2024 11:52

So what time did you SIL pick up her kids from yours? And what did she do - sleep?

My husbands parents took them home after about 5 hours, my FIL didn’t drink to be able to drive them back. I’m not sure what she did.

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Original poster
Mumof3andahampster · 27/12/2024 20:21

NewNameNoelle · 27/12/2024 09:41

Maybe she’s actually really unwell. Sure she could have gone about it in a better way but perhaps she was desperate?

I’m really unwell (see separate thread) and have contemplated asking my MIL to have the kids as I’m barely able to provide them with basic care. I’d hate to think my MIL wouldn’t want to help in these circumstances (luckily I know she would love to have them and would step in to help however she could)

Sorry to hear this. My MIL is brilliant with her and goes above and beyond for her and her children. To the point that she doesn’t see ours as much but she will call when she gets a break when SILs children with their dad.

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Unexpectedlysinglemum · 27/12/2024 22:50

I am (obviously based on my username) on her side. If she's not feeling well as a single mum she gets no respite at all but won't want her kids to miss out on family time. She should ask a nominated person eg her parents if they can be in charge of them but as a wider family it's unkind if you don't help her. Wouldn't you want your family to help if your husband ditched you or died?

Shleepymummy · 28/12/2024 09:14

I think it’s reasonable to feel mad in this situation and upset you didn’t get to enjoy the day as busy doing everything. Next time- definitely need to direct towards Grandparents or DH, or ask help SIL load kids back into the car.
Also, she’s not a single mum. She’s a co-parent. From your posts it sounds like she gets multiple days and nights break from the children, plus her 5 hour break on Boxing Day. I haven’t been away from my children for large chunks of time like that. Not complaining, I’m sure being a co-parent has lots of its own challenges- but you do get breaks, potentially more that parents who live together. Very little sympathy from me for SIL.

mitogoshigg · 28/12/2024 09:18

Shoes should not be an issue in winter as you get them to take them off on arrival, it's not like they are likely to be in and out to the garden in winter, as for food, again easily managed by all children (and adults) sitting at the table to eat. When finished they get down