Advice - 11 year old girl

[Bwen]

My 11 year old daughter was treated to a birthday day out with her best friend that included lunch, nails and cinema. They wanted to go on their own to be independent for the day. My daughter asked my to give her the money to pay for things. I worked out roughly how much each part would cost and gave her around £150. I gave clear instructions not to spend any money in shops, they it was meant for all the confirmed activities, food and drink only. When she got home she had a bag from Boots with several make up items she bought for herself and her friend. I asked her why she did this when I explicitly told her not to spend money in shops, and she said she forgot. How would you respond? She has savings in her account. I’m considering taking out the cost of the items. Or just taking them back. I’m curious how other parents would react..

How did you word your instructions was it 'don't spend any money in shops as you need to cover all the planned activities' or 'don't spend any money in shops as you have to cover all the planned activities and bring me any change' ? If it was the 1st option then I can see why she spent the change and don't think she's done anything wrong. Also, as this is a birthday treat I would have expected her to be able to spend the change and wouldn't punish her for it or ask her to pay it back unless you needed the change

I think if she's done everything she was supposed to and only spent 15 in boots she's actually done really well and I wouldn't be bothered

You gave your 11 year old £150 cash……..???? 🤯

I think you both need to step away from your keyboard..

I kind of identify! I love Fortnums ( esp sugar mice) and Waterstones and always avoided my mum’s cleaner, but at the same time something about that post was bonkers @RosesAndHellebores ! I think it’s the faint suggestion that it’s fine to misbehave at Fortnums but not at a false nail bar or Boots. Still, that goes down as a legendarily entertaining post. 🙏

Oh my. Why are kids growing up so bloody fast these days?! I was 13 when I was allowed to go into town with a friend, my two older kids were also 13.

😂

What? Because you’re getting opinions you didn’t want?

Personally, I'd just be happy they had a good day out, that's the main point really isn't it? Agree they not mature enough to be able to be trusted with that amount of money

I think that probably sums it up!

Thanks, we’d been planning the day for weeks and it was made very clear that we’d give her this level of responsibility and freedom, and enough money so she could cover everything herself, but anything left would be returned. And that they could window shop between activities but we’re not allowed to buy anything.

There's an 11 year old out there with savings in her account and free access cash card to facilitate her coffee-shop social life.
I Love Mumsnet.

It sounds like she did brilliantly. Got to all the booked things entirely independently. Given that she is so young and it was a birthday treat I couldn't grudge her using the money left over to get a little something for herself and her friend.

You earmarked that money for a birthday treat and that's what it was used for. I bet she had a great time. I would let this go tbh.

Omg agreed. My almost 10 year old is in bed snuggling a teddy. She's not allowed off our street. Never mind on a train with a friend for a day out 😲😲

@Sockmate123 in some parts of the UK getting the train is as normal as getting the bus.

We set rules and she broke them. She needs to understand consequences or she won’t learn.

Time and place OP.. time and place.

To be fair, your almost 10 year old is in Year 5 in primary school. This almost 12 year old is in Year 7 in secondary school and gets the train every day. You will find a world of difference in maturity between the two - although I still think this was too much.

This has to be a wind up, surely. Nobody would let an 11yo loose with £150.

9k so all money accounted for
15 is just 10%
Another child might be given 20 for cinema and spend 2 on sweets.
It's not worth getting worked up about
Not like she spent another 50 on make up
If a 40 £ nail.expense is ok for you then 15 on make up is nothing
Explain it for next time about your instructions but no need to go crazy on "punishment "

@Bwen I was allowed a budget and given instructions to follow by my parents and generally I did. I used to be given a list and some money to go shopping for my Mum at the supermarket from 9-10 and was expected to work out the best value stuff. From 12 or so I was allowed on the train with friends in a group. This was well before mobile phones of course. But if I had spent money I’d been told to return then it definitely would have been recovered and I wouldn’t have been surprised. I think it’s great that they did this together with just the small lapse. We would have been trusted to get the bus to town, go to the pictures, have something to eat, do some other activity and it would have been planned for sometime because the money would have been saved up by my Mum. Absolutely loved being trusted to do that stuff.

I should add that we had about a fiver or so!

Having now read the updates that they still did all the activities and only spent £15.00 in boots. I really couldn’t get too worked up about it. I’d probably have a conversation around, I’m a little bit disappointed that I asked you not to do that and I gave you my trust to do it alone but as it’s your birthday I’ll forgive it this time but next time, if anything like this happens again, you will be paying the money back from your pocket money or what ever.

This child is very nearly 12 so only one year earlier and yr 7 vs yr 8. Sounds like they already use the trains often for school so not really the big deal you’re making it out to be.

What a lot of fuss over £15!! Just tell her you are glad she had a lovely day out. Next time just give her as much as she needs to do the planned activities and no more.

Please don't spoil her birthday excitement with talk of 'punishment', 'natural consequences' etc. Does EVERYTHING really need to be a 'learning moment'? Unclench a little and have a look at the make up with her and just enjoy.

I live in London. At 11 my daughter would go to our local shopping mall with a friend and I would sit in a cafe nearby while they were wandering around. I do think that you are expecting a lot from your daughter - I mean, Kirstie Allsop let her son go inter railing at 15 with a friend and that created a huge discussion around too much too young for some people or great independence for others. I'm more cautious than you are, and I'm not disagreeing necessarily with your approach. But it does mean that things are more likely to go wrong and personally I would just chalk it up to experience. I guess you have given her a right bollocking. Just leave it at that. Tell her to see it as one of her Christmas presents - could you take it and keep it for Christmas?