Advice - 11 year old girl

[Bwen]

My 11 year old daughter was treated to a birthday day out with her best friend that included lunch, nails and cinema. They wanted to go on their own to be independent for the day. My daughter asked my to give her the money to pay for things. I worked out roughly how much each part would cost and gave her around £150. I gave clear instructions not to spend any money in shops, they it was meant for all the confirmed activities, food and drink only. When she got home she had a bag from Boots with several make up items she bought for herself and her friend. I asked her why she did this when I explicitly told her not to spend money in shops, and she said she forgot. How would you respond? She has savings in her account. I’m considering taking out the cost of the items. Or just taking them back. I’m curious how other parents would react..

I think it’s a bit of an overreaction of you to want to punish her. She was on a treat day and got carried away. I think I would talk another money management and take this as a signal that that much money was too much too soon on your part.

She was probably excited to be out and about on her own with her friend and wanted to feel grown up by buying herself some bits in boots, I think she just got carried away.
She seems like she can be trusted and is responsible, I don't think I'd punish her. I'd talk to her and tell her what she done wrong

She had a normal manicure with natural pink varnish, not false nails. But I’ll indulge your indignation - What is wrong with 12 year old girls being fascinated with makeup?

Frankly if you gave her £150 and she managed two manis (total of £80 apparently) and then had £70 to cover lunch in Pizza Express, train fares, snacks and cinema tix and still had £15 to spend in Boots I think she is to be commended on her budgeting skills! Personally I wouldn't send two 11 year olds off completely on their own for a day like that but if you trusted her to do so and anticipated her spending £150 anyway, I don't know why you are so against some of it being spent in Boots, rather than on extra-large popcorn?

My 11 year old daughter wouldn't be able to help herself in Boots either. I wouldn't spoil a nice day for the sake of £15 but maybe take it out of her birthday money from a relative if you feel she abused your generosity as it was already a lovely day out for her and her friend.

You said not to spend more and she did @Bwen so I think you have to deduct from her savings, there has to be a consequence.

This is exactly what I think.

It was her birthday.

Don’t turn it all into a negative memory over £15.

I get that she went outside the parameters but to me the parameters were not ideally drawn for her age. Have a chat about it but say since it’s her birthday you’ll overlook it. It won’t often be her birthday so she can’t use that excuse again.

I don't really know why the main concern is on the amount of money she was allowed, if her parents can and want to treat her and her friend then why not

I wouldn't punish her. She's only 11 of course she got carried away.

Yup

We set rules and she broke them. She needs to understand consequences or she won’t learn.

You seem determined to pin all this on her op.

You are very resistant to any suggestions that perhaps you didn’t design the day well. She’s got to learn but you won’t?!

I wouldn't punish her. I'd just tell her that she needs to pay the £15 back out of her birthday money/pocket money.

A simple, natural consequence is fine. There's no need to go overboard with it. It sounds like they did really well overall.

I also think it's absolutely fine for two 11/12 year olds to do this, sounds like a great experience for them.

Personally, I’d have a discussion with her about it and let it go. She probably just struggled with the excitement in the moment and assumed your rule was to ensure they had the money for everything else. When they had money left, she may not have thought it through.
However, if you feel strongly about, just take that money from her savings.

Tbf it was the DD who broke the rules, not the OP!

Nothing wrong with teaching kids responsibility. It's a good thing.

Learning is good for everyone.

Are you learning your consequences? Your action to let 2 11 year olds lose to deal with restaurants and beauticians with heaps of spare cash had the consequence that your dd overspent. You put her into a vulnerable situation with so much money and nowhere near the maturity to match, parenting fail imo. I feel for the beautician / nail studio not sure they expected to be doing babysitting services.

Sure.

A conversation will take place on money management skills and the importance of trust if she wants more independence, but I’m still considering what kind of, or even if, I should give a punishment..
she spent 15 quit in boots, nothing more than that?

Really good advice, thank you.

It wasn't that much money. If it was my child I wouldn't do anything, unless I really wanted the money back and then I'd get them to pay me back later from pocket money or whatever.
I've sent my child off with money and friends for a birthday celebration before. Rather than give him extra 'just in case' I tend to say 'message or call me if you don't have enough and then I'll send you some more'. It avoids the problem altogether.

That’s what I think too.

I think they need to talk it over and realise where they both misjudged.

I would just let her pay you the money back, be it from pocket money, savings or birthday money. As well as a talk about not spending what is not hers without permission.

I don't think you need to punish her. Sounded like a lovely birthday celebration!

My dd took herself on the tube to Fortnums and Waterstones when she was 12 to avoid the cleaner

I’d love to know why!

Thanks, that’s what I was referring to re punishment - making her pay for it. But maybe I should have framed as natural consequence.