My 8 year old DD is saying she is a lesbian

[Dodgyshoulder]

My 8 year old DD told me she is a lesbian last night. She has her own tablet which she usually uses for an hour or so after school while I’m getting on with cooking. Yesterday morning, I had a look through it and saw that she was looking up things such as “lesbian wedding” or “lesbians kissing” on YouTube. There is a child lock on it so she wasn’t able to look at much but I could see she had searched it.

When she came back from school, I asked her why she was searching up these things. She told me it’s because she is a lesbian and that is her choice. I told her she’s completely right and that is her choice but maybe she’s a bit too young to understand what a lesbian is. She said she did understand and it’s a bit like Freddy’s two mums in her school. A little boy at her school has two mums. I just told her whatever she is I will support her. I will. To be honest though I was pretty surprised, at 8 I don’t think I had any attraction to girls or boys. I guess it’s different for everyone.

Has anyone had experience with this? I’m wondering if it is just curiosity. I would support her and love her either way.

She's learnt a new word at school. I'd brush it off with "that's nice dear, what would you like for tea" and up the parental controls not because I cared whether she is same sex attracted or not because I dont, but because she's 8.

It's the age when they tend to start to be drawn into more single sex friendship groups and preference for girls over boys is not unusual. How that translates into later life isn't necessarily the same as what she's saying now but I wouldn't be encouraging labelling of anything at that age. I'd be talking about different types of love and relationships familial, friendship and romantic (which she has no real frame of reference yet).

It is also quite common for girls in year 8 and 9 to also label themselves as same sex attracted - it avoids that horrible toxic masculinity of being called frigid by teen boys if they aren't interested and many go on to date boys in later life.

simple age appropriate response - “that’s nice dear” without asking her any leading questions (but answer any questions she has for you) and move on.

I’d also say she is too young for social media. YouTube is social media as well (even the kids version). We only allowed CBBC tv shows and apps, and tokaboka apps, at that age. No adverts either.

I think it's a relatively common thing now, along with 'being trans'. DD was first gay (had a girlfriend and all although I don't think they even held hands, let alone kissed) and then trans. Both stages lasted 6-12 months and were, I think, more about trying to find a sense of belonging. Like HP above, I responded supportively but without making it a big deal.

She is now 14 and definitely past that stage!! I think early puberty, when their hormones and bodies start changing, is a really confusing time for girls. To me, the 'I want to be a boy' was a bit of a 'I want to get off this ride' kind of thing for her. Her body started changing before her mind could keep up.

If there is a kid with two mums at her school, then of course she is going to be exploring that, both by seeking information and by playing with the idea in her imagination. Frankly the two mums thing is so lovely that I would be surprised at any little child not applying it creatively to her own life and sense of herself. One mum is lovely enough but two!!!

It is exactly on a par with a child coming home from school and saying that she is going to be an astronaut or a football star. Just say 'Lovely^ and leave her to do the work of childhood, which is to explore.

My friends dd was a lesbian at 9/10. She asked for her head cut v short and wore trousers instead of her skirt for school. She wanted to look how she perceived a lesbian looked I think. Friend just went along with the 'ok love' approach.

Her dd had a couple of 'girlfriends'. Hold hands/hang out together. And then she went to high school and decided she very much liked a boy so maybe she was bisexual.

By 14 she's wearing her skirt as short as possible for school and loving the attention from the boys and only has eyes for them.

It could be a phase. Equally I could have told you my cousin was a lesbian by the time she was 8-9. Her dad still maintains it's a phase .....she's nearly 30.

I'd just say 'that's ok love'. Ask no questions but also talk about what is acceptable online/up your restrictions.

*head cut should be hair cut. Sorry!

At 8 she probably understands what a heterosexual is, she’s grown up with traditional heterosexual stories. I don’t think it’s that much of a stretch for her to see that lesbian is when two women are in a relationship (princess and princess rather than prince and princess). But, does it really matter? If she told you she would like to hold hands or kiss a boy, would you be equally as concerned? She might be a lesbian, she might not, does it really matter?

Entirely possible. Could also just be her exploring her feelings.
My cousin told me she was a lesbian at about aged 6, she had a sexual awakening by the lesbian snog on brookside. She's still a lesbian. Well I hope she is, her wife would be upset to discover otherwise I imagine.

I love threads like these when the child is reassured and loved regardless. My cousin is mostly NC with her vile parents due to their behaviour towards her and her wife.

This might be a phase or it might not. There is no need to do anything really. If she told you she was going to marry a boy and have children when she grew up, what would you do? Do the same about her saying she is a lesbian.

Sounds like you handled it well. The only thing I'd watch out for is unsupervised internet access- even with a child lock it's possible for children to access age-inappropriate content and search terms like "lesbians kissing" could obviously bring this up.

It's a young age to know, but I wouldn't say it is definite that she isn't a lesbian who already knows she is. I knew at 10 (although I really didn't find the thought process easy) and my ex knew at 9, had already had her hair cut short etc. I'd not delve deep into it but just let it go as one of those not a big deal things and see what happens.

And of course she understands what a lesbian is, at the same level she understands what being married means.

I think you should rethink what you said about her being ‘to young to be a lesbian’ - most people wouldn’t say that if she said she was going to marry a man one day.

Do you mind if she’s a lesbian? It’s not really a big deal is it? She may well know and if she does, be careful, it could set the tone for how she deals with it for the rest of her life.

If she told you she would like to hold hands or kiss a boy, would you be equally as concerned?

Tbf, OP doesn't sound concerned. She's said "at 8 I don’t think I had any attraction to girls or boys." which I agree with. I don't think an 8 year old has any real concept of sexuality - I wouldn't take much notice of an 8 year old saying they were straight either.

And I think if she'd been searching for "man and woman kissing" on YouTube, rather than lesbians kissing, it's probably still something most parents would ask about.

I can remember "fancying" a boy at school when I was around 9 or so, so it is possible. However, it is equally possible that she just likes being with girls more than boys at the moment (very common at that age) and thinks how nice it would be to marry her best friend etc. My 8 year old wants to marry everyone that she likes - including family members!

As a kid of the section 28 era, when we weren't even allowed to know gay people existed, it makes my heart sing that a kid now is perfectly happy to tell her mum she's a lesbian.
Look who knows. It might be a phase, it might be that she's rightly identified her preferences. I knew at 8 that Kylie and Jason were both the best ever ever, but I also knew that I wanted to be Kylie and I wanted to marry Jason. No reason a different 8 year old should know the reverse.

8 is deep in the realms of single sex friendships and boys are annoying and yucky. She has most likely said, I don’t like boys, girls who don’t like boys are lesbian. I am lesbian. I imagine it’s that simplistic. Whether she is or isn’t lesbian as she grows older, who knows but I imagine this is more about how she perceives boys at the age of 8.

My 6year old has told me several times that she’s going to marry her (female) best friend. I did the ‘are you? That’s nice’ response. She told me a little while ago that a different friend had told her girls couldn’t marry girls, so I explained they could (and boys could marry boys, when they were grown up). I guess she’s running with it!

My daughter said she was a lesbian at around that age, so I don’t think it’s particularly unusual. She’s nearly 11 now and says that she’s bisexual. She’s still too young for girlfriends or boyfriends so I just nod and smile and we’ll see who she ends up with when she’s a bit older.

One of her friends has two mums (we live in Brighton so it’s probably more prevalent here than in other areas) and she’s been to the pride parade so she’s seen gay relationships normalised. I think it’s nice that she’ll grow up thinking either sexuality is normal - it was all still a bit “other” when I was her age.

When my son was around this age he spent about a year telling us he was gay. Almost every day. We just used to say yeah ok mate, because it wouldn't have mattered if he was or not. He's 18 now and is very taken with the ladies so was just a phase in our case

I mean maybe she is maybe she isn't. When she was 8 my DD told me she was going to marry her best friend (a girl) and they were going to have one baby each, I just said that sounds lovely. She is nearly 10 now and has a crush on a boy so....
As long as she knows you love her whatever I don't think you need to make a big deal about it when she's only 8!

My daughter and her best friends decided to get married and live in the woods with loads of animals at that age....

Why on earth does anyone let an 8 year old have regular unsupervised Internet time?

Would you let her go to the pub and chat with the world for hours?

In the mean time reduce the tablet a lot and when she says she's a lesbian or anything else say "oh that's nice"

I think I'd encourage her to come to you with questions though, rather than the internet.

Obviously not. Entirely different. She has a child lock on her tablet and I check it regularly. She only watches YouTube and plays a handful of offline games on it.