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Parenting

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Original poster

My 3yo daughter just went and got chocolate when I said no

111 replies

RedRobyn2021 · 05/12/2024 07:05

We do advent calendars in the afternoon because otherwise she obsesses over chocolate all day

She woke up this morning asking for chocolate and I said, no problem you can have some as part of your snack later. She wasn't happy with this and cried

I'm 37 weeks pregnant and have been awake since 4:30 so asked her to get her dad (who was asleep in the other room) to help her get some breakfast because she's hungry. He didn't get up so she went downstairs and helped herself to some chocolate. Just one piece, but she came to tell me she had it before she ate it and I told her not to eat it but to put it back, but she ate it anyway.

I'm annoyed. I'm annoyed she ate it and I'm annoyed at her dad and I'm also really tired.

Do I just forget about it? She's only 3 for gods sake

Or do I say, no chocolate in your calendar later?

Like I cba with any of this, this isn't just about this one incident, it's happening a lot where she's struggling with her feelings and I'm like "am I doing the right thing?" Boundaries are important right? They make children feel safe. But also am I taking it too far?

Please be kind

OP posts:

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Goldbar · 05/12/2024 10:10

You're focusing on the wrong thing. One of you needs to feed your hungry child.

Toooldforlonghair · 05/12/2024 10:21

When my kids were young they sometimes ended up with 2 or more chocolate calendars despite us asking relatives not to buy them and leave it to us. Plus we had Playmobil calenders with little figures to arrange each day that 'had' to be done first thing. With 4 kids I decided that there were better hills to die on and simply made them get up earlier so that the calendar ritual didn't delay us.

One of my daughters is now living back home and still insists on the Playmobil calendar being out on display in the traditional place. Yesterday I found myself feeling unreasonably cross that she had gone to work without opening it first!

CrispyCrumpets · 05/12/2024 10:24

At 3 they aren't very good at controlling their impulses. If you don't want her to have something put it out of sight and out of reach. Personally I would let her have the chocolate whenever she wants, but she will have to learn that when it's gone she has to wait for the next day.

Interested in this thread?

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3 year olds 3rd trimester Families General pregnancy

livingafulllife · 05/12/2024 10:38

Its a bit of chocolate not drugs.

Original poster

RedRobyn2021 · 05/12/2024 11:16

All those saying I left the chocolate in easy reach, she went in the fridge and stood on her stool to reach it.

I let her go downstairs on her own all the time, if that's bad then I guess I'm bad! We have a very small 2 up 2 down house

It wasn't really about the chocolate, it's lots of instances like this where I don't know whether I'm doing this parenting thing right.

We did chocolate calendars last year and she was fine then, this year is different, I think you're all probably right I should have done a book calendar instead, she'd have loved that.

I didn't make a big deal out of it, if anyone is interested. Her dad got up and helped her get something more substantial.

I'm finding parenting a 3yo tough, she's not far off 4 now does it get easier then?

I also have a lot of guilt that I'm having another baby soon and I just hope she's going to be ok with having to share us

OP posts:

Original poster

RedRobyn2021 · 05/12/2024 11:19

roses2 · 05/12/2024 07:41

Why did you go and tell her to wake sleeping DH if you were already awake?

I'd been awake since 4:30, I'm 37 weeks pregnant and had just got up the stairs with some tea and cup of milk for her and I didn't want to walk all the way back down the stairs again (tbh going down is fine it's coming back up that just argh). He got an undisturbed nights rest until 6:30, so I felt it was his turn

OP posts:

Original poster

RedRobyn2021 · 05/12/2024 11:20

bigkidatheart · 05/12/2024 07:50

Just being cheeky - however you mentioned you were pregnant. Expect those boundaries to be pushed over the next few months, testing the waters

Yeah I've heard as much, god help me

OP posts:

Original poster

RedRobyn2021 · 05/12/2024 11:21

Itissunnysomewhere · 05/12/2024 08:21

Keep it out of reach? My sister used to shout at her child all the time for helping himself to snacks but she put them in a cupboard he could easily access...

Or just relax and let her have it for breakfast?

And you and your DH between you need to make sure she is getting breakfast

This is what I did

I didn't shout, I didn't say anything to her when she came to tell me she'd eaten it

OP posts:

MrsWhites · 05/12/2024 11:23

This is really not something worth getting upset about at 37 weeks.

I actually think she showed some control not eating them all 😂

In all seriousness, I think you’ve created this situation by making her wait for the afternoon. Getting chocolate before breakfast is half of the fun.

BraveBlueDuck · 05/12/2024 11:27

Neither of you gave her breakfast and wouldn't let her have her advent calendar chocolate in the morning?

She's 3! Let her be a child and enjoy Christmas and do better with being a parent, you're about to have a newborn. If you can't manage with 1 child, how much worse will you be with 2.

TeabySea · 05/12/2024 11:30

As many PPs have said, this is a DH issue not a DD one. You can't expect a 3 year old to resist a chocolate accent calendar.
In the whole scheme of things, eating a bit of chocolate isn't a big deal.
However, your DH not stepping up and parenting is. Not because of the chocolate but because anything could have happened- she could have tried to climb to get cereal, or burned herself trying to make toast, or any number of things.

Horatiostrumpet · 05/12/2024 11:32

My two had their advent chocs at 6.36am this morning. It's a small piece of chocolate for 24 days, it's not a hill to die on as far as I'm concerned. I don't blame her tbh.

And yeah your DH needs to step up here, better get used to it ready for the new baby.

okayhescereal · 05/12/2024 11:33

RedRobyn2021 · 05/12/2024 11:16

All those saying I left the chocolate in easy reach, she went in the fridge and stood on her stool to reach it.

I let her go downstairs on her own all the time, if that's bad then I guess I'm bad! We have a very small 2 up 2 down house

It wasn't really about the chocolate, it's lots of instances like this where I don't know whether I'm doing this parenting thing right.

We did chocolate calendars last year and she was fine then, this year is different, I think you're all probably right I should have done a book calendar instead, she'd have loved that.

I didn't make a big deal out of it, if anyone is interested. Her dad got up and helped her get something more substantial.

I'm finding parenting a 3yo tough, she's not far off 4 now does it get easier then?

I also have a lot of guilt that I'm having another baby soon and I just hope she's going to be ok with having to share us

Take a breath. Parenting is hard (even without second guessing yourself!). Parenting when pregnant and approaching a total tip of the status quo introducing a new baby is also hard. Three year olds are HARD! They want the independence, they have more moxie and the means to work around problems etc. Also they change every 5 minutes so as you say what worked last year (or even yesterday) might not work today. Most parents are doing their best, and that's a great thing. Be kind to yourself.

I know it's not the point, but I'd echo what someone said about her showing initiative and independence not being the worst thing. Yes it's annoying when you're trying to instil a boundary and these pesky kids are off using their autonomy, but in the long run that's a key skill she's honing there too!!

My oldest is nearly 6, and the little one 3. Ages 4 & 5 have been WAY easier than 2 & 3, but I'm sure each stage will have ups and downs. When my oldest was 4 the little one was 2 already, which might therefore be different to having the big one be 4 with a new baby in the mix.

Few things that helped us in encouraging cooperation was noting the good behaviours, and natural consequences. For example in this example I'd have maybe tried to focus on the fact that she asked for help, showed independence but then also asked again for permission. If I hadn't wanted her to eat the chocolate at that point I'd have removed it (putting it back was a big ask imo!), but that ship has sailed so chalk that one up to experience. Once the chocolate was eaten I'd have said 'well that's the chocolate eaten for today! no more till tomorrow' (natural consequence).

How to Talk So Little Kids will Listen and Calmer, Happier, Easier Parenting have lots of phrases that can be added to your parenting repertoire, which helped when my brain was too tired to think of them myself. One example I liked was to do with leaving a playdate. Tiny kids probably don't want to leave the playdate (like they wouldn't want to put the chocolate back), therefore expecting them to leave in good spirits and independently take steps to assist with the leaving (tidy up toys, put coats and shoes on etc) is a big ask. Instead focus on the fact that you want to leave without a drama, and help them with the rest. Maybe you tidy the toys together, or help them with their shoes. So in this example putting the chocolate back was a hard task for someone who ultimately wanted to eat the chocolate, so perhaps that was a moment that required intervention/help. 'I can see you really want the chocolate, but it isn't chocolate time now. Let's put it away and get you some breakfast so that tummy is full and you've got all the energy you need for today! Then we can have the chocolate together later'.

Would also be having a word with my partner. For these last few weeks of pregnancy and the next however many months with a new baby it would be great if he didn't ignore a hungry child and stay in bed, you can't be picking up all the physical and emotional slack here OP, it isn't fair on any of you.

okayhescereal · 05/12/2024 11:37

BraveBlueDuck · 05/12/2024 11:27

Neither of you gave her breakfast and wouldn't let her have her advent calendar chocolate in the morning?

She's 3! Let her be a child and enjoy Christmas and do better with being a parent, you're about to have a newborn. If you can't manage with 1 child, how much worse will you be with 2.

Also @RedRobyn2021 definitely at all costs ignore anyone who says stuff like this.

Parenting is hard enough without giving each other more to feel bad about.

You'll be fine with two, there's a period of adjustment, but you'll all find a rhythm. Comments like this aren't going to resolve anything. You've got this!

Nothatgingerpirate · 05/12/2024 11:38

TinyMouseTheatre · 05/12/2024 07:09

You're PG and tired. I'm not sure why she just can't have her advent chocolate when she gets up? Most 3 year olds wouldn't cope with having to wait for it for hours.

I'd forget about her having this chocolate. She's 3 and hungry and both of her DPs weren't getting up to make her breakfast.

I hope your lazy "D"P gets up soon and starts doing some actual care for her

This.
Cheer up a bit.

SUBisYodrethwhenLarping · 05/12/2024 11:40

I am impressed that she came to tell you she had the chocolate before she ate it

I know she did the opposite of what you said

I am with other posters just let her have the square of chocolate at breakfast rather than expect a 3 year old to wait all day

At least once all of the windows are opened and all the chocolate is gone then that is it and ADVENT CALENDARS won't be in the shops after Christmas so she won't see them in January to keep asking so it is a very special treat that won't become a habit

I agree with others your DH needs to get his @*se into gear and become a parent

ditzzy · 05/12/2024 11:43

One of my favourite memories of DD2 as a toddler was the time I was telling off her older sister for trying to get freshly baked cookies when they were straight out of the oven only to turn around and discover that the toddler was sitting in a corner of the kitchen with a cookie having dragged a chair across the room and climb onto the kitchen side to steal one behind my back WHILE I was telling the five year old off…

Sounds like your little one is resourceful in finding her own food when no one is up to help her! While obviously you’d rather everyone does what they’re told, I would chalk this one up to experience and remember that you’ll probably laugh about it when they’re older.

Completelyjo · 05/12/2024 11:46

IMO she obsesses with the chocolate because it comes at different points always layer in the day. Do it after breakfast and move on if you’re going to do a chocolate calendar.
Chocolate is exciting for a 3 year old, it’s still hard for them to regulate at that age and having something they want dangled in reach can be too much for them.
The real problem is neither of you got up to supervise her. Personally I don’t think you can blame a 3 year old for much when they are unsupervised.

Do I just forget about it?
Yes.

Borninabarn32 · 05/12/2024 11:49

DS is 3 and started doing the same. He started sneaking off to eat food quickly before he was found out.

We moved it all out of reach and massively reduced the sweet food in his diet.

Kaminari · 05/12/2024 11:58

She only got one piece and she told you about it? Fair play kid!

Moveoverdarlin · 05/12/2024 12:02

I couldn’t wait until the afternoon to eat a chocolate from the advent calendar and I’m 42. My 3, 6 and 9 year olds would be the same. We eat the chocs first thing in my bed, they are all so excited. Then we have breakfast afterwards. The chocolate is tiny, it’s nothing to get wound up about.

Heidi2018 · 05/12/2024 12:09

I'd focus on the positives here... she only took one piece, she came back and told you before she ate it. If she got the day right on the calendar that would be a win all round for me 😅

Runskiyoga · 05/12/2024 12:15

Honestly you are doing ok at this parenting thing, almost certainly more than ok. It's wonderfully easy to see how to tackle each challenge with hindsight and from the outside, not so much when in it. Enjoy your little ones and sharing parents is ok because you get to be a sister too.

glittereyelash · 05/12/2024 12:17

She's only 3. She has good problem solving and independance skills nobody was up to make her breakfast so she sorted it out herself. Pick your battles at this age. A small piece of chocolate isn't going to make much of a difference whether it's morning or evening. Your doing great your just feeling tired and emotional so close to the end of your pregnancy ❤️

Redflowerpurple · 05/12/2024 12:20

RedHelenB · 05/12/2024 07:09

Let her open her advent calendar in the morning, it's supposed to be fun.

Exactly! That’s why she’s obsessing over it all day! Make anything exclusive and you make it a million times more interesting.

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