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Original poster

Trapped in my pefect life

126 replies

pollyesther · 29/04/2008 09:50

Last night i had trouble sleeping and was thinking about my life. I haven't felt 'happy' for a long time and i realised that i feel trapped in my life.

On paper I would appear to have it all, 2 children who are (most of the time) wonderful. A great husband, a beautiful house and we are not short of money. However, i feel lonely. My husband is often away, my house is in the middle of nowhere and my friends all work full time.
I've talked to my husband about this but he just thinks i need to get out more. I go to the gym but don't meet people. Shopping is only fun with someone to go with. I feel like all around me life is passing by. I have considered getting a job but that brings new worries like who is around during the day if they're unwell or if they need medication (our school won't admininster it) who could give to them. They would miss me helping on school trips too.

Has anyone else hit this crossroad and what did you do? I suppose it has hit me harder as my youngest just started school.

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pollyesther · 29/04/2008 14:30

Wishingchair, I'm very sorry to hear about your husband.

No, your quite right I don't understand other people's situations. It was a silly comment which i didn't really explain properly.

I lost a friend last year and i think this has a lot to do with why i feel so low. I listened at her funeral to all the amazing things she had had achieved in her life & i guess it got me thinking....

On a positive note i have spent the best part of the day on the phone & internet & have applied for numerous volunteer work & have found some local running clubs so thanks to everyone for giving me the kick i needed.

OP posts:
Original poster
pollyesther · 29/04/2008 14:32

Prufrock, thank you. You articulate yourself much that i do. That is exactly how i feel.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 29/04/2008 14:33

is this for real?

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Original poster
pollyesther · 29/04/2008 14:33

Sidge how sad

OP posts:
bringmesunshine · 29/04/2008 14:35

Good luck pollyesther, sometimes if you are honest about your situation people think you are boasting and in actual fact you are just looking for ideas/guidance.

I and many others I am sure do know how you feel

Not sure why so many think flower arranging is so dreadful though I love it

CountessDracula · 29/04/2008 14:36

oh well done polly

Oliveoil · 29/04/2008 14:36

oh that is sad isn't it?

my mum used to work with old people and when we used to visit her at work (me, my sister and my brother) we were fussed over as their grandchildren didn't visit

Ripeberry · 29/04/2008 14:43

Last year i was feeling very down about my Mum's illness (she has severe dementia) and the fact my Dad was feeling very stressed about it all.
Decided to apply to do Homecare and in those 10 months visited so many different people and some people were living in quite terrible conditions but it made me realise that my Mum and Dad were quite well off compared to my clients.
It made me more tolorant of my mother's illness and at least my Dad has settled down to a routine and still manages to work from home for now.
The Op may feel like she is in a "guilded cage" and lots of people here have offered really good suggestions and given her the kick up the backside she needed .
Its just so sad that people equate happiness ALWAYS with the amount of money that you have, of course money makes things easy but also it can put a barrier up once people know how much you have.

Prufrock · 29/04/2008 14:45

And I know that you don't need a slap - I imagine you spend considerable amounts of time berating yourself for not being happy when you have so much. Dh has just bought me a book which I think will make very interesting reading.

I am also taking positive, little steps to have a more fulfilling life. I am going to be doing some voluntary work after September - I'm looking at the magistrate thing - apparently they are trying to recruit more women - and also at volunteering for a mobile library service - taking books to housebound people - things that have a finite commitment level. And I'm learning to climb with another mum from school who is going to be in the same position - I know it's scary but I suggested it to her and she jumped at the chance - it is actually quite possible that the other mothers would like to be friends with you.

blueshoes · 29/04/2008 14:45

glad to hear you have taken some positive steps, pollyesther. Hope that opens things up for you.

Oliveoil · 29/04/2008 14:47

why do these books always have long titles?

Oliveoil · 29/04/2008 14:48

running club a v good idea as a) it is outside exercise and this can help with depression (that is if you are depressed) and b) is a team activity, you can find someone to run with at your level

Prufrock · 29/04/2008 14:54

oops - very slow typing. Well done.

this thread might help - I posted it when I was in the throes of unrecognised PND and there were some wonderfully helpful and articulate posts

conniedescending · 29/04/2008 14:57

you could have another baby??

ChocolateRockingHorse · 29/04/2008 16:53

You could take up crafting. I sooooo want to spend my days shut away in a room make cards but hardly ever get to do it and even then I'm "stealing time" (but I do it sometimes because I want to and bugger everything/everyone else! )

katebee · 29/04/2008 16:59

I have only read the first few posts so apologies if I repeat what others have said. I will be in your position in a year's time with the youngest child starting school and also have no relatives near by so can empathise with your situation, although I am the kind of person who is never bored, and I quite enjoy my own company. Do you think you would be happier moving nearer a town? If you moved nearer people with children maybe you would be able to join a baby sitting circle and get the odd night out. If not there are professional baby sitting companies.
Maybe you could get a part time job as a teaching assistant at your children's school or sign up with a temping agency for a few weeks now and again. Does your school need parent helpers?..you could offer to go in and do reading. I'm sure there would be something you could do with the school pta as ours are always short of people to do tasks during school hours.
Try to enjoy the financial security you have..not many are lucky enough to have no financial worries.

Flowertop · 29/04/2008 17:12

Hi Polly I am kind of in your position. I gave up work about 4 years ago, having worked all my life and when the DS's were babies up until DS1 was in year 1. I was only intending to give up for a year but somehow the time has just flown. I run about 3 times a week with a good friend who works part time so we fit in with her work. I did learn to tap dance for a while which was a laugh and also went back to horse riding. I know how lucky I am and do actually enjoy my life but can understand how you can be very lonely. I suppose I am quite comfortable in my own skin and actually like my company (saddo!!). There are loads of great ideas on here (along with the usual unnecessary bitching from some!!) which I do think you should take on board in order to move forward. Write them all down in a list and put in order those that are doable. Then think of ways that they can be achieved. I think voluntary work is a great idea and am currently sounding this out myself. Let us know how you get on.
XX

Fizzylemonade · 29/04/2008 20:10

I was afraid to post a message asking about sahms who had children in school because of the "why don't you work?" response.

I still have my youngest at home but I don't need to work and I don't want to have to juggle childcare and work (not a career as I wasn't that clever ) I have done it before so it isn't as if I haven't experienced it.

I have been looking into Home Start just because I don't have any family close by and slogged it alone for years.

I have started compiling a list of things I want to achieve when I have both my boys in school including learning French which I failed at GCSE!

I understand about the loneliness. One of my really good friends has just started working as her youngest is now in school and I really miss her. I am fortunate to have a few other friends who are also sahms and it helps me keep a hold of my sanity when I get to meet up with them.

Good luck and post an update message.

MNersanonymous · 29/04/2008 20:24

Maybe if the OP has a very different lifestyle compared to other mums at school it does make it a bit awkward sometimes....so if they are all talking about not being able to afford things, she might not be able to feel she can be herself and talk about the realities of her life.

Look, I know that isn't a huge problem but it can be a little awkward (I'm looking forward to testing this hypothesis out should I ever win the lottery )

You need stuff to look forward to on a weekly basis - not just the hols. So if you are bored on Tuesday, you can think oooh it's x tomorrow.

Or yes, shag the gardener (provided he looks like the one on Desperate Housewives and not mine)

alfiesbabe · 29/04/2008 20:31

Well I'm with cod on this one - utter wind up. If it is genuine - get on some of the other threads OP and get to see what REAL problems are.

Oliveoil · 29/04/2008 20:40

well that is really helpful, I am sure the OP will take that on board

phlossie · 29/04/2008 21:39

Pollyesther - try and look at your youngest starting school as your chance to do whatever you want. You have the time to start any hobby - horse riding, climbing, canoeing, painting...
I'd suggest one that has a social element - I have a friend who goes climbing and goes away on climbing weekends and loves it. Or, if painting's your thing, join an art class. Even joining a book club (or starting one!) could be a start. My mum did books and pudding - she and her friends in her village would have dinner with their families and then take it turns to go to each other's houses and discuss books over an apple crumble.
The world's your oyster! Okay, you have limits - who doesn't? - but you can work within them.

hatwoman · 29/04/2008 22:06

pollyesther - can I gently suggest that you re-assess your appraisal of your life as being perceived as perfect and re-assess how you interpret the feedback you get (from friends and on here) that you are lucky.

get out of your head the idea that people think things are perfect. firstly - most people probably never give it any thought. very few people are looking at you thinking "wow, everything's perfect". They are, in fact, looking past you wondering how they're going to make an outfit for bookday/meet a deadline for work/get time to buy their mum a birthday present. most people are not formulating any thoughts at all about your life. of those that are (perhaps people on this thread, because it's being discussed) they'll be plenty (me included) thinking it sounds awful. My point is that what other people think is just not relevant. It's your life. Live it. Get on with it. Don't let it go by because you think that other people think it's perfect. there lies madness.

  • on being lucky. you're damn right you;re lucky. not because you have money and long holidays, (or a "perfect" life) but because you have love, health and a brain. use them.
alfiesbabe · 29/04/2008 22:15

excellent and very fair post hatwoman.

madamez · 29/04/2008 22:19

YOur life is NOT perfect if you are basically living it as an appliance (partner's wifey, kids' mummy). You need to do something that is for and about YOU. The Feminine Mystique was written 50 years ago about exactly the way you feel: housewifery is NOT LIVING. YOu need either a job, an artistic outlet (but one that is validated by outsiders, not just embroidering toilet-roll holders for the occasional visitor to admire) or a cause to care about.
Good luck, you can do it.