Trapped in my pefect life

[pollyesther]

Last night i had trouble sleeping and was thinking about my life. I haven't felt 'happy' for a long time and i realised that i feel trapped in my life.

On paper I would appear to have it all, 2 children who are (most of the time) wonderful. A great husband, a beautiful house and we are not short of money. However, i feel lonely. My husband is often away, my house is in the middle of nowhere and my friends all work full time.
I've talked to my husband about this but he just thinks i need to get out more. I go to the gym but don't meet people. Shopping is only fun with someone to go with. I feel like all around me life is passing by. I have considered getting a job but that brings new worries like who is around during the day if they're unwell or if they need medication (our school won't admininster it) who could give to them. They would miss me helping on school trips too.

Has anyone else hit this crossroad and what did you do? I suppose it has hit me harder as my youngest just started school.

Thanks OO. I do need a shove and as someone else said I may be a bit depressed.

Cod, you have no compassion. I'm sorry you think this is some kind of wind up, this is very real. I envy you that life is so straight forward. Maybe i do feel sorry myself, I don't expect you understand but i would rather not get knocked when i came here looking for help.

Have you considered going for some counselling? May sound a bit radical but it would help you identify what it is you are unhappy about and help you change those things

olives idea of thinking of something you used to enjoy as a teen/young adult is very good

what do you LIKE doing? apart from being a mum? and how old are your kids?

There's definitely more to situations like these. I agree that its not as simple as just picking yourself up and doing something about and then it's all fine and dandy ever after. I am relating to this much more than I would have before, only because, of late, I've been feeling the same as well. I thought I may be depressed and I haven't come to a conclusion yet - although I strongly agree with the slap on the face and volunteering for a homeless charity. So in many ways, I do sympathise with OP and whilst I would, in the past, say 'get a grip, etc' ... I can't now as I am reading this thread closely for my own benefit as well.

Actually I was thinking about it this morning. I thought I would see what other people thought first. I just feel so trapped & some people can be so single minded(as i've just been reminded) and it makes talking difficult. I'm sorry if i've come across in a snobby manner(as OO said) but i promise if you knew me i'm really not like that.

maybe you could look at enlivening your social life together with dh which would mean first of all trying to deal with the concept of having a babysitter to look after the dc once in a while. The feeling that you are not being a good mum when you do this is hindering you a bit.

Are you lonely in your marriage do you think with dh or lonely because there is not enough female companionship alongside that companionship?

I am sure you are not snobby but when you said "I am the only one that can afford private school etc" it comes across that way

going to the gym is all well and good but it is a bit solitary

team sports is where you need to go imo

try things, if nothing else you will have something to talk about ("netball, what a load of crap" for eg)

and spring is here, always good for boosting a mood imo

I think you are in a rut. And the only way to break free from a rut is to go outside your comfort zone. This means doing things that, at first glance, you don't really want to do.

Yes, having a job would mean extra childcare and missed holidays but you might not find this such a bad thing once you actually start. The point is - you just have to GO FOR IT. Silence all the reasons not to, tell yourself it's a 2 month trial and if at the end you don't feel any better you can always stop.

You are in a fortunate position as you are aware. Money does not bring happiness but it does bring choices. You have the luxury of deciding how to spend your time and I think you just need to have the confidence to do it.

You can't get perfection, life isn't like that. You will have to concede on certain points. But you're clearly not happy now, so whatever you choose can only be for the best.

actually can't believe I have the nerve to comment on Polly's life tbh I should tackle my own first

I'm not expert on this, but if you feel like you are in a rut, why not try something completley different. Even if it is a bit out there for what you might normally enjoy. If you're DC are in school you could try to do something during the day.

It might sound completely crazy, but try challenging the rut that you are in. Could be anything, volunteering, class/course, activity, etc.

So if you go to the gym, try horse riding, canoeing, something completey way out just to be different. Even if you don't enjoy what you try, at least you've got yourself out of the your comfort zone. You may find you build a bit of confidence and meet some interesting people along the way.

Having children is a lot about routine and completing tasks in rota to got through a day. Its very easy to get sucked into a sort of status quo, so it's no wonder that you seem feel you're lost or have lost yourself when they are off to school and aren't around.

Why don't you organise a party for your dcs - e.g. a Mayday party or a 'first day of summer' party (just make up the reason!) and invite the mums as well.

Party fodder/games/DVDs for the kids and nice drinks/cocktails for the mums - you'll break the ice and could make some good friends that way.

For years I battled with shyness and always felt as if I was being excluded from things - it took someone being quite rude to me to make me realise that I actually appeared to them be to be very stand-offish and arrogant!

You may be giving off completely the wrong vibes in the playground.

There are loads of part time jobs that take you out and get you to meet people but which can be fitted round school hours and holidays. My friends do gardening, shop work, teaching assistant work, dinner ladies. I teach part time.

Since you are financially independent, you don't even need to worry about them being well paid, which is a bonus.

And there is charity work- an excellent way to meet people. Do look up the local charities; there must be somewhere that needs a volunteer. And it's not all second-hand shops: check out shelters, animal & wildlife charities, charities that work with the disabled. Some of it can be very interesting work- and teach marketable skills for the day when your dc's don't need you any more.

I can relate to feeling so depressed that you can't actually get around to doing something. But once you've taken the first step, it will be easier.

Polly

Have you thought becoming a Non Executive Director for either a NHS trust or a Primary Care Trust? I am a NED which I combine with my part-time job and 4yo DTS and it very fulfilling (as well as time consuming). It would fit very easily around your family commitments - meetings usually happen during school hours and you can do things like reading board papers in the evening. Plus you get paid!! One of my colleagues is a full time mother and she combines both roles with also being the Chair of school governors.

More info about NEDS here.

Message withdrawn

Cod

The Chairs get paid £22k, NEDs get far less than that for between 2.5 to 4 days a month depending on what type of trust you are working for.

You could have an affair. What's your gardener like?

No?

Get a job then. I agree it will present challenges but if you have financial resources (which you do), then these can be overcome. What did you do before?

Most of us feel trapped at times - we make choices and we make compromises and "stuff" slips away from us. I agree it can be a horrible feeling. But if you cahnge nothing then you will get nothing different. This is in your hands.

Take action. Give yourself a slap and DO SOMETHING. Buy a property and renovate it. Volunteer for something.

Don't do farking flower arranging. Gawd help us. The gardener would be a better idea.

And be careful what you wish for. People in arut are often jerked out of the rut by something that is life changing. That's usually bad by the way.

Even if you are not actually depressed, there is a process to go through when you recognise that what you have perceived as being a perfect life is not actually perfect when you have it (as is always the way!)

You are in the process of recognising that. Once you have got through that and accepted that although you have what you thought you wanted in fact you need something else, then it should start to be easier to act on it. It can be very daunting to allow yourself to recognise and accept this and doesn't happen overnight. You have to accept that you are human! What you started off as thinking was loneliness is in fact a need for something more in your life. Not just other mums for company.

I agree you need to look outside your comfort zone. To some extent you are trapping yourself by raising obstacles - you don't actually need to go away all the time in the holidays. You could get some cover. You could easily get an au pair who would help out with after school stuff. Don't let the ease and comfort of your current situation fool you into thinking that you can't do things another way. Yes it might be a little more difficult. But the benefits of you feeling happy and fulfilled must surely outweigh the inconvenience.

You are entering a new phase of your life - your children need you less now they are all at school. You need to take positive steps to embrace this new phase - focus on the SOLUTION not the PROBLEM (such as it is - it is a good thing to actually count your blessings sometimes). So here are a few practical ideas (based on my own experiences)to help you

CHILDCARE - contact your local sixth form, many do babysitting courses and have a notice board where you can seek a regular babysitter. Alternatively put a card in your local post offce or shop asking for a Grany substitute - I'm sure there would be loads of older people who would love to help you out for a bit of pin money - they might also do some housework for you to free up some time in the day for other things - see below.

GET OUT OF THE HOUSE - buy a special diary and resolve to have something in it every day, be it school related (you need to try harder re other mums at school I feel - this is a natural ready made social group with similar interests)or Gym or volunteering - see below

VOLUNTEER - you don't need to get a job for the money - you are fantastically privileged and you have so much to offer so many charities who would bite your arm off. You need to contact your local volnteering centre or look up volunteering on Google and you will be shocked to see quite how many vacancies there are from stuffing envelopes to chairing committees. You can offer as much or as little time as you like and they will try to match your skills to the right job. To give you an example I am a lawyer by training and ended up being a Community Mediatior, sorting out neighbour disputes.

GET A DOG - I have found my dogs to be the very best way to get out and make friends. Your childen will benefit, you will have no excuse but to go out every day to walk them and you will meet people along the way. If you go to the same place regularly you will come across the same people and it's easy then to suggest a coffee afterwards. You might even find that some of those school mums are dog walkers - that's how I met my good friend!

It's only you that can get you up and going again now that you are not needed at home in the day. How much do you want to???

Why not become a magistrate?
not sure how much compassion that would imbue you with though.

When my children were small (not at school)I ran a small business from home.

When they started school I worked as a classroom assistant 2 days a week.

When the youngest was one year I had to go back to paid work, so went back part time - 9.30 till 3pm (in the NHS). I had to do a training course full time first, so had to find a childminder.

Once youngest was at school I continued to work part time and did a course at the local college one day a week.

Now I work 4 days a week, I take annual leave to go on school trips occasionally.

If money isn't a problem, sign up for some classes at your local college. You will meet likeminded people, learn some new skills. you will have a great time.

Should explain that I had 2dcs close together, then a big gap, then a 3rd.

This site is good for finding voluntary work.

Sorry but you have no idea about the state of other people's finances and whether they could afford private school or not ... many of them may have been paying for full-time nursery care which can make school fees look like a walk in the park. School playgrounds up and down the country are filled with people from all different walks of life ... why on earth are you the only odd one out??? If these women work, then they have to juggle to find the right balance and with that comes some compromises.

It sounds to me like you want to have the total freedom that not working gives you but also get yourself a ready made social life too. It's not like that!!! I work part time from home (part of that compromise I mentioned) which is quite solitary ... I pushed myself to make friends in the playground and get involved.

If you want that freedom then teaching assistant would be perfect ... not stressful, gets you out of the house, meet people, gain a sense of purpose, still have school holidays. If not then volunteer!!!

Sorry - last year my DH was diagnosed with a brain tumour and that certainly focuses the mind. In my opinion, the most important thing in life is to make sure you enjoy your every day. Not live for the holidays or wish you had this that or the other. Your LIFE is the one that makes up your day to day drudgery so make sure you're content with that. If not, then just do something about it. No excuses, just do it. Life can be taken away from you astonishingly quickly, so you'd better bloody well enjoy it whilst you've got it.

PS - your DCs might actually like some of the holiday at home, hanging out with their friends ... going to tennis club or whatever holiday club they fancy.

Join a befriending service.

There are many elderly people who see no-one from one week to the next. They would love to have a cup of tea and a chat, and some need someone to pick up their prescriptions and get them a few groceries from time to time.

I had a patient yesterday who is 89, has outlived all his family, and I was the first person he has spoken to in a week

Cod - sometimes you really are callous. Not blunt, not straight talking, just callous.

polly - I can completely relate to how you are feeling. And you are right (though it's not an often recognised fact on mumsnet) that having the financial wherewithal to do anthing you want to do does not make a perfect life. I'm in an incredibly similar position to you, but having been truly "therapised" last year I can now look forward to the changes that have to happen in my life as a positive thing.

Like you, my 2nd child will be starting school in September. My dh has a demanding job which means that I can't get a job that requires any sort of committment or would impact on my ability to look after my children, home and husband. And I wouldn't be happy doing any job that didn't come with responsibilities and stress - the sorts of jobs that would provide the fulfillment I am looking for would be bound to have an impact on my family life.