Not sure about granny’s childcare

[DB1991]

Hi I’m sorry this is maybe an unusual post and I wasn’t sure what category to put it in as I don’t post here often but would appreciate some advice.

I have a son who is almost 2.5 years old. Since birth I’ve been his primary carer (mum) and when I went back to work just after my son’s first birthday, my mum (granny) would have him two days a week while I worked. My husband has him for the other day when I’m working.

I actually don’t have any concerns about what my husband does on his day with our son but it’s more to do with my mum.

We moved house last year into a more rural area and there honestly isn’t much about here - you really need a car to get about although there is a local shop and play park of a reasonable size.

Since my son has gotten older and more independent, he likes to be kept busier. He is now dropping his only nap (yikes) too. On my days with him, I drive almost every day to soft play or the supermarket or out for lunch with him. We also visit larger parks to give him variety or we bake if the weather is not good.

My mum has been living with us while she has work carried out in her house which has been challenging for a variety of reasons but I feel like she doesn’t do as much with my son on her two days with him and it’s concerning me a little bit.

She doesn’t drive so it’s more difficult for her to offer variety but I sometimes feel she could be doing more. I hate him sitting about watching TV all day - there’s only so many toys he can also play with for an entire day.

We have recently started visits to a local nursery with a view to him attending two half days per week; one to fall on one of his days with granny. I think once that’s in place, ill feel better as I know he will be kept busy and will be learning new things but until then, I worry he is not getting enough from the time they spend together.

Am I worrying about nothing here? I work from home too so I can hear everything that’s going on which doesn’t help. I prefer to be in the office but it’s far away and cost of petrol etc. means we need to watch our spending and also considering we will have nursery to pay for soon until we get full funding next August.

I’d love for my mum to do activities with my son, or baking but even when I suggested they use one of those pre made cupcake recipe boxes we had in the cupboard she just said no, and that was the end of it.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful because she loves him so much and would do anything for him. My husband thinks this may improve/change when my mum moves out of our house soon but I’m not entirely sure.

I don't think there's much you can do really. You can't force her to do more with him when she's looking after him so much for free.

Is he fed and happy with her?

I think if she is saving you thousands of pounds by offering free childcare then you don't get to be 'concerned' about what she does or doesn't do with him.

If you want him to go to parks and soft plays then obviously you need to pay somebody who can drive

Thanks I take your comments on board although do feel I have a right to feel worried or concerned because I’m his mum and only have his best interests at heart.

You're worrying over nothing really. If he's well cared for, had toys to play with and is being interacted with there's no need for him to be out of the house doing activities etc every day. Particularly if there's outdoor space he can play in and utilise. Children need down time too

This isn't uncommon with grandparents, I don't think.

It wouldn't work for us - my 2.5 year old would be stir-crazy and difficult to deal with if he was in all day, we take him out every day, similarly to you.

I'd look at increasing the nursery time - two half days is where we started too, as a 'gentle introduction' and everyone told me it'd make everyone's lives harder. They were right. It took him forever to settle and he didn't really start enjoying it until he started doing two full days. It means he's stimulated and well looked after in those days, too, he does lots of activities and outside play and socialising.

Can he go to nursery on both the 'Granny day's instead of just one? Then she's only got him for 2 half days. She may appreciate this too. Lovely 2.5 year olds are exhausting, and it can be really hard. Maybe she is finding it very hard work, but not telling you.

It isn’t ideal, but family childcare rarely is. And there’s not much you can do if you have made suggestions and she doesn’t want to take them up, and doesn’t drive.

It isn’t forever, so I would leave it as is for now.

Of course you do. My point is that you cant force your mother to do things she doesn't want to when she's doing you such a massive favour.

If I were you I'd pay for childcare. I do pay for childcare for this reason.

He's probably quite happy having a couple of days chilling at home with granny. Children need some space to play creatively and imaginatively by themselves or alongside an adult, they need room to think and reflect. It isn't necessary to have every day crammed with organised activities.

She doesn’t drive and you have chosen to live in a location with very little she can walk to. What do you want her to do?!

She might just be sitting on the floor playing with him and reading to him all day and then having times outside in the garden. So many children do not get enough of this undivided attention.

Could you and DS walk to the park at lunchtime then granny have a 30 min
sitdown and come and meet you? Then either walk back together or she stays on for another 20 mins etc?

Do you get an hour at lunch time? Could you take him for a walk?

It does sound boring but as it's only for two days a week it probably doesn't matter.

What was she like with you when you were a child?

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She's family not the hired help!

She's doing you a favour, poor kid doesn't need to be micromanaged into structured activities' every day

Of course you can feel worried and concerned op but you don't have the right to dictate a timetable of some daily activities in the same way you could with a paid nanny. You might have had more of a chance if you had started that way as in getting things out for morning activities like finger painting but leaving the afternoon up to her when he's likely to be more tired after lunch. Could expense for your mother be a factor. If you left money out for them to have lunch out would that help or do you already do that? Could you look up the bus timetable to nearest indoor play facility( it's very cold now) maybe offer if she goes one way you or DH could pick her up coming back. It's really hard for an older person to get out and about if they don't drive in a rural area. If her own home is more accessible you could maybe suggest a once a week outing which you could pay for from her home. I'm afraid other than that it's pay for nursery with you doing drop offs,/pick ups or plough on until you get full funding Not easy I know.

I think Granny is doing a fantastic job allowing him space to potter about and explore his environment.

It sounds like she keeps him safe and gives him time to develop independent play.

I think you need to be thanking Granny and not criticising her.

He will have many many years with very structured activities and people all around him going forward.

He is still very small and needs the security of someone he knows and loves him to fully explore.

He will perhaps have an easier time at nursery and school if he gets used to less than one to one supervised entertainment and stimulation.

I do think the screen time should be limited to more than a couple of hours a day but other than that you can't say much. It's a shame she doesn't want to cook with him and that sort of thing though.

It is good for children to have some down time and learn to come up with their own games and entertain themselves. Otherwise you end up with a child who is always bored unless someone is taking them somewhere.

I agree - he doesn't need a full itinerary every day. He just needs to be loved, fed, kept safe and allowed to spend time in his own home with his own toys.

I don't remember my granny doing anything with us when we were kids in the summer holidays - we entertained ourselves with tous and imaginations and watched quite a bit of telly. But having her there to love on us was priceless.

Is this for real seriously? You know where you live and you know she can’t drive but you are concerned that she isn’t entertaining your child every second of every day for free.

Children shouldn’t be entertained every second of every day . Research has shown the children need to be bored and use their imagination. It also helps them to self start and to be on their own.

I don't think children need to be occupied the whole time with soft play and organised activities. Pottering about can be fine too. Does granny talk to your child? That verbal interaction is vital, and if she's doing that, that would be fine.

My sister used to get a lot of help from mum with her childcare and spent the whole time moaning about it. I'm afraid I had no sympathy! The alternative is to pay (like the rest of us!).

If you rely on family for childcare (and I did this too), you cannot tell them what to do on their time. Or you CAN tell them, but don't expect them to do it. She's doing you a massive favour, presumably for free.

If you're unhappy with it, more time at nursery would be a good option.

I think OP is mostly concerned about having the TV on all day? Which is a bit different than “unstructured play”