Not sure about granny’s childcare

[DB1991]

Hi I’m sorry this is maybe an unusual post and I wasn’t sure what category to put it in as I don’t post here often but would appreciate some advice.

I have a son who is almost 2.5 years old. Since birth I’ve been his primary carer (mum) and when I went back to work just after my son’s first birthday, my mum (granny) would have him two days a week while I worked. My husband has him for the other day when I’m working.

I actually don’t have any concerns about what my husband does on his day with our son but it’s more to do with my mum.

We moved house last year into a more rural area and there honestly isn’t much about here - you really need a car to get about although there is a local shop and play park of a reasonable size.

Since my son has gotten older and more independent, he likes to be kept busier. He is now dropping his only nap (yikes) too. On my days with him, I drive almost every day to soft play or the supermarket or out for lunch with him. We also visit larger parks to give him variety or we bake if the weather is not good.

My mum has been living with us while she has work carried out in her house which has been challenging for a variety of reasons but I feel like she doesn’t do as much with my son on her two days with him and it’s concerning me a little bit.

She doesn’t drive so it’s more difficult for her to offer variety but I sometimes feel she could be doing more. I hate him sitting about watching TV all day - there’s only so many toys he can also play with for an entire day.

We have recently started visits to a local nursery with a view to him attending two half days per week; one to fall on one of his days with granny. I think once that’s in place, ill feel better as I know he will be kept busy and will be learning new things but until then, I worry he is not getting enough from the time they spend together.

Am I worrying about nothing here? I work from home too so I can hear everything that’s going on which doesn’t help. I prefer to be in the office but it’s far away and cost of petrol etc. means we need to watch our spending and also considering we will have nursery to pay for soon until we get full funding next August.

I’d love for my mum to do activities with my son, or baking but even when I suggested they use one of those pre made cupcake recipe boxes we had in the cupboard she just said no, and that was the end of it.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful because she loves him so much and would do anything for him. My husband thinks this may improve/change when my mum moves out of our house soon but I’m not entirely sure.

I think that worry is not appropriate here. Children do no need non-stop stimulation and to be "learning". They are learning by simply living, at that age. Your child is safe and happy and with someone who loves them. That's fine.

I am willing to bet that he gets more than enough activities when you are with him. He is probably relieved to have the chance to veg out a bit!

Do they really only watch TV? Are there no toys around for him to play with? There is nothing wrong with him learning to amuse himself with his toys.

There are often threads on here about Mums using their parents as child care, then griping about how they do it - fair enough if the issue is basic safety but otherwise it is very unreasonable. I sometimes think it is underlying guilt at choosing to be away from the child. When he is cared for by someone else then things will be done differently from how you would and you either have to accept that or not leave them. He gets the chance to feel loved by another person and learns that different people do life differently - all good.

Cut her some slack - and definitely do not worry!

Structured trips out seem unnecessary, some play in the garden or just going out for a walk for some outside time would be nice. But ultimately if you are concerned then you need to make other arrangements, you mum is doing what she is comfortable with, your concern doesn't trump that and you don't get to ask her to do more than she's happy with.

My youngest asked to start his own youtube channel when he was 5yo. I said yes as long as he knew how to do it and never showed his face or gave away his address. He is now 12yo and most of his posts get 90 thousand views. Its not what I want but it's what he wants.
Have you considered getting an ipad, there are heaps of programmes on there for little ones. Much more interactive than tv.You can download apps where they copy words, learn to spell, heaps of things,

Tbh id be concerned. A young child with no other children for company, hardly leaving the house, isn't good.
At 2.5 and on their own they don't play for long and shouldnt be parked in front of tv. I can't imagine how shes getting through full days with him not going anywhere, or doing even some crafts/baking without putting on tele for like 4-5 hours of it, which is pretty horrendous.
Ultimately if a childminder was operating like that Ofsted would shut them down. Theyd be expected to have stimulating games planned.

I wish I had someone to look after my toddler twice a week!

Also, I don't understand this new parenting obsession of always keeping the children entertained. They need to learn to play by themselves and be bored - that's where the imagination and creativity development happens.
Some lazy days, I just stay in with mine - watching tv tv, doing some crafts, and just chilling.

In my experience (and what I heard from other mums), even if the tv on, they don't watch it all the time at this age. My dd interested for about 30 min and moves on to other things. I really won't worry about it, especially if your child will start nursery soon and you give them plenty activities on your says off.

My mum took them to the shops and then they pottered about at home, they loved it, and pretty sure they love her more than me, I was at work a lot of the time
I wouldn’t worry.

And I don’t think children should have their days crammed with stuff either.

If they are both happy, relax

2.5yr old children on their own do not literally happily play from 9am to 5pm with lunch in the middle.
Any decent parent will tell you that. Its why nurseries often babe people come in to run a music session with the kids and will have organised stuff planned for each day like play do, painting, physical activities outside, sandpits, water play.
It doesn't sound like granny is doing any of that

Kids need to learn to play by themselves and be happy with it, you're going to struggle if he is only happy with someone's undivided attention.

I look after my nephew one day a week and my sister started suggesting things we could do which I just ignored. If she wants me to look after him then she needs to leave me to do just that! She asked if I would take him to a baby/toddler group and I said no because I hated going to those alone when my kids were tiny so I'm not doing it now! We stay home and play, watch tv, go in the garden in the summer or he just potters around with his toys. He never ever cries when he is here so is obviously happy.

If you want free childcare you can't dictate what they do (unless the child isn't happy of course).

They don't 'need' it everyday. Yes, most days it is best to get out of the house, explore, try new things.

But 2 days a week at home is not a problem in the context of 5 days a week when they do go out and do have new experiences.

When I opened this post I knew it would be full of ‘they need downtime / honestly, parents these days, always entertaining their children’ comments and I was right. This is fine for over five’s. A two year old not so much.

I would look at a nursery or preschool. Two and a half is a great age for this.

Just as teen DD slobbing out on Sundays is not a problem in the context of a full 6-day week of school and extracurricular activities that typically mean she is on the go from 7.30am (leave for school) to anything from 7pm to 8.15pm (depending on the activity), plus 6.30am to about 3pm on a Saturday! It is about the balance over the week or so, not any specific day.

Or a junk meal as an occasional thing in the context of an overall healthy diet is very different to junk food every day

YABU

I look after my nephew one day a week and my sister started suggesting things we could do which I just ignored. If she wants me to look after him then she needs to leave me to do just that!

^

This. The caregiver decides

What does she do all day? Does she sit and do her own thing and ignore him or is she chatting to him, reading with him, singing with him etc . ? If he watches children's TV, does she watch it too and engage with your son during it?

Does she make lunch and include him in making it, chat to him whilst doing it? Eat with him?

There's a whole load of in-between being out the house in organised activities and sat Infront of the TV alone all day. If she communicates with him and cuddles him then I think he is a lucky boy to have granny there.

With regards the toys, could you hide some away and get different things out on a day he's at home? I used to do that with my youngest when they were that age.

I definitely had days at home without activities when I was a SAHM with my youngest. But I was interacting with her all day as she pottered about like toddlers potter.

Do you have a garden DC can run around in? Granny could just watch and let him play. Would she watch him paint, play with playdough, etc, rather than expect her to bake with him. TV is not all bad, there are really interesting children's programs and films, wildlife programs, etc.

If she's there with him, talking to him, helping him to do things it's all good. As others have said he doesn't need the world to revolve around him every day. GPs often have the time and patience to explain things in a way parents don't.

Is he happy that's the main thing. I hope he enjoys nursery he may prefer the time with his granny.

If she’s just plonking him in front of the tv all day for the 2 days then I’d be concerned but if he’s playing then i wouldn’t worry. My mum helps with childcare for my boys and although she does take them to the occasional play group they spend much of the day just playing. She does do the odd bit of baking or play dough but not every day or every week.

Your son will already be eligible for 15 hours funded childcare which will more than cover 2 half days. Maybe make the 2 half days on both of your mums days or increase the half day on her day to a full
day so she only actually has him either 1
full day per week or 2 half days per week.

Yeah he prob will enjoy the time with granny if the telly is on, of course some tv is fine but its about the habits a child is building for the rest of their life. Children who are used to a tv on for large portions of the day end up expecting to be entertained by screens

How old is your mum? Small children can be very tiring at that age. Could you set up some activities and just ask your mum to supervise. I make up sensory trays for my son, or slime, art projects. Or I did up an activity book he can do independently. It has things like matching colours and letters, tracing, counting, recognising words. I think it can be hard for grandparents things have changed so much since we were children!

You are definitely going to be one of those mothers that over schedule children. He is allowed to potter, explore, relax and enjoy a few quiet days. Seriously. It is great for his emotional regulation and development. Over scheduled children leads to mental illness. I think you should be grateful for this care op.

Send him to nursery then. What do you think pre-school age children were doing 40/50 years ago. They certainly weren’t going to soft play. Don’t worry about it, most children like spending time with their grandparents. The internet and social media adds a lot of anxiousness to parents that their children aren’t ‘doing enough’. Just ask for less tv watching and more playing.

These days will provide him with a different type of experience and mixed in with your busier days will be fine. I did some executive coaching when my kids were little where they asked you to visualise a ‘safe positive place memory’ (beach etc) and I realised that mine was as a child lying in front of the fire watching tv at my grandparents. I had a wonderful upbringing full of experiences and learning and a lovely home with my parents but I truly value that time of slow living with home comforts that I had with my grandparents who didn’t have a car and stayed local to the house and garden. Lazy baths, being spoiled with attention and brought food while I sat there and yes watching lots of tv in a warm house with people fussing over me. It will do no harm at all as part of a varied routine. My kids have that with their grandparents on one side now so I try not to stress they aren’t doing enough xx

Kids don't need to be do do do organised activity all the time outside the home. Just consider Granny days as calmer down days - maybe provide things he can do at home that are quite active - the huge colouring mats to use with a wet pen/paintbrush were great for my little one, building blocks, duplo, something musical. I would let things carry on and then as you are planning go down to one day with nursery etc. I think you might be cutting your nose off to spite your face if you start critiquing what Granny is doing with him

Once he's in Nursery and she's doing one day a week it'll be good for him to have a chill day. She can read stories watch a movies, play with toys, make lunch together etc.
It's good for them to have a bit of unstructured time.

Your mum has him 2 days a week, there are 5 other days for you to take him out as much and as often as you wish. Your mum doesn't drive and probably doesn't feel confident walking rurally with an active 2.5 year old. You say that there are only so many toys he can play with during the day which suggests that he IS doing some play rather than watching TV for 8 hours a day. I think the person who mentioned that if this was a childminder she would be reported to OFSTED is outrageous! This is not a childminder, it is someone who is presumably quite a bit older than the average childminder and is doing a huge favour for her daughter! If you don't like how she looks after your son and she isn't willing to take your suggestions of baking etc then you need to find alternative care where you are paying and can have more input into how your child is occupied.

My father did childcare when my dd was little. He drove and they did go to places. But now she's a teen and he's gone. Her fondest memories are not of any places they went. They are when he'd give her ice cream for lunch or sitting together watching their favorite show.