Not sure about granny’s childcare

[DB1991]

Hi I’m sorry this is maybe an unusual post and I wasn’t sure what category to put it in as I don’t post here often but would appreciate some advice.

I have a son who is almost 2.5 years old. Since birth I’ve been his primary carer (mum) and when I went back to work just after my son’s first birthday, my mum (granny) would have him two days a week while I worked. My husband has him for the other day when I’m working.

I actually don’t have any concerns about what my husband does on his day with our son but it’s more to do with my mum.

We moved house last year into a more rural area and there honestly isn’t much about here - you really need a car to get about although there is a local shop and play park of a reasonable size.

Since my son has gotten older and more independent, he likes to be kept busier. He is now dropping his only nap (yikes) too. On my days with him, I drive almost every day to soft play or the supermarket or out for lunch with him. We also visit larger parks to give him variety or we bake if the weather is not good.

My mum has been living with us while she has work carried out in her house which has been challenging for a variety of reasons but I feel like she doesn’t do as much with my son on her two days with him and it’s concerning me a little bit.

She doesn’t drive so it’s more difficult for her to offer variety but I sometimes feel she could be doing more. I hate him sitting about watching TV all day - there’s only so many toys he can also play with for an entire day.

We have recently started visits to a local nursery with a view to him attending two half days per week; one to fall on one of his days with granny. I think once that’s in place, ill feel better as I know he will be kept busy and will be learning new things but until then, I worry he is not getting enough from the time they spend together.

Am I worrying about nothing here? I work from home too so I can hear everything that’s going on which doesn’t help. I prefer to be in the office but it’s far away and cost of petrol etc. means we need to watch our spending and also considering we will have nursery to pay for soon until we get full funding next August.

I’d love for my mum to do activities with my son, or baking but even when I suggested they use one of those pre made cupcake recipe boxes we had in the cupboard she just said no, and that was the end of it.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful because she loves him so much and would do anything for him. My husband thinks this may improve/change when my mum moves out of our house soon but I’m not entirely sure.

This.

he needs to learn to entertain himself & being bored is an important tool in kids developing.

hes forming a lovely bond with your Mum & being looked after 1:1 so all his needs are met, not left in a wet nappy or whatever, plenty of cuddles....

2.5-3 is a great age to start nursery for the stimulation, socialisation, prep for school etc. - at that age I’d consider it preschool education rather than purely ‘childcare’ and would definitely send him. The fact that your mum, can’t keep up with him now he’s older, he’s dropping the nap and your isolated location plus the fact that she doesn’t drive means too much TV would just compound it further for me. I’d do half day nursery on both of Granny’s days and they can chill together in the afternoon, which sounds perfect for both of them!

If you can't afford to commute to work, how are you going to afford nursery??

Does granny actually want to do childcare? Pay for it if you are not happy with what she does.

until age 3 a child's primary needs are emotional.
So stable, loved, secure with familiar people and places are all giving him a great foundation.

Yes of course it would be more fun if she did baking etc, but he is just fine, and getting his primary needs met.

It is 2 days out of 7, and the other 5 he is busy and doing lots, 2 quieter days is fine.

Relax.

My DC is with family a couple of times a week. I don’t expect anything of them other than to keep her safe, fed and happy. My DM has the same limitations so spends her day with DC at my house just pottering, DC is out of the house every other day of the week so I am fine with this and treat it as her downtime. It’s a good way for her to learn how to entertain herself 😊

This is a really good point. 2 year olds don't really need constant planned activities. My 2yr2mo is happy emptying the kitchen cupboard of all the different tupperware and playing with them 😂 2 days a week unstructured is not a bad thing

I think OP there is a limit to what your mum can be expected to do in a rural location when she can't drive.

Loads of TV time is not ideal though and I would focus purely on that rather than a broader 'not doing enough' with him. Most kids have plenty of toys these days and it won't hurt him to spend a couple of days a week playing with them.

We don't use my MIL for regular childcare but when we have done, i've noticed that her version of it is very much 'get out some toys then sit down with a cup of tea and read the paper'. I've often wondered if it's a generational thing.

Sounds like it might be too much for her. I’m just 60 and absolutely hate soft play, etc. when we have our grandson, it’s gentle activities.

In your circumstances, I would enrol him in the nursery for those days.

Do you pay your mum to look after your son, @DB1991? If not, your post is pretty outrageous.

Your child doesn’t need constant entertainment!

I didn’t really ‘do’ anything with my 3 apart from reading. I could not stand soft play and parks - they bored me witless. My DCs had a massive garden, loads of toys and creative stuff and tv on all day. They were fine. They were all high flyers academically and were able to amuse themselves and use their imaginations.

Two days down time with granny is probably a good balance.

I'm a bit confused about what you expect granny to be doing extra when you live rurally and she doesn't drive. For 2 days a week (soon 1.5) I wouldn't lose any sleep over it. My DS was a similar age when I was on mat leave with newborn DD. I relied on the TV a lot during that time.

If he has plenty of new experiences 5 days out of 7 then a couple of pottering won't do him any harm. A couple of days a week with 'too much' screen time won't do him any harm.

Just being with granny, safe, fed cared for is absolutely fine. Not 24/7, but this isn't 24/7. He's going to be starting nursery, he does lots of activities with his parents.

I’m only 40+ and I find it surprising how kids are constantly fed entertainment. And I don’t mean tv and toys - which require processing, thinking and imagination, I mean days out and activities. They were a big treat when I was a child.

Nothing wrong with a toddler having a few days a week at home downtime to play with toys. My mum was much more capable of going out and about with my child than my dad due to his health but that didn't mean I didn't value his help. Even though I knew those days were not going to be healthy meals and probably too much tv it wasn't going to be forever and my child had lovely relationships with them both.

Agree they don't need tons of days out. Think for most of history they wouldn't have been doing that!!.

A secure attachment to people they love is the main thing. Nurseries can entertain but they can't replicate family love and attention.

"until age 3 a child's primary needs are emotional."

Not true at all.

I think what your mum is doing sounds absolutely fine and it wouldn’t concern me.

Pay for nursery

Goodness, your mum is doing you a huge favour.

There's nothing wrong with your son having a couple of quiet days at home. Toddlers don't need to be stimulated all the time.

Do you get the funded hours? Use them and start him 3 mornings a week in a pre-school or nursery. She probably finds 2 days a week childcare hard and doesn’t like the mess of baking. Drive then to activities, suggest local things that she can easily do (rhyme time in the library, playgroups) etc. in the grand scheme of things 2 days of more tv won’t hurt him, he has 2 days of activities with you, 1 with dad and soon he will have nursery too.

plus be grateful for all the free childcare you get. My DM hardly watches my children for more than an hour.

Why does she say “no”? What does she actually do with him? Your son must be an angel! I’d personally have him at nursery for the two mornings with granny and a chilled afternoon with her afterwards. Boredom is fine for children as long as there is lots available at home. Screens all day obviously isn’t as ideal so can you say please tv only on these times and toys other times? does she also read and sing to him?

She raised you, do you think she did a good job?
Yes- leave her to it
No-pay for appropriate childcare

I’m surprised by a lot of these comments. Normally on mumsnet people are telling you that your kids need to be out every day at least once. This kid isn’t leaving the house all day twice a week and tv is on all the time!

Then she should pay for childcare. A lot of grandparents find it hard to have a toddler 2 days a week. All my neighbours who have grandkids are exhausted if they have toddlers for an occasional day of babysitting and they all have refused to take on regular childcare. One of my friend’s dad is refusing to take his grandkids to the playground as they run off and he is to old to chase them.