Husband won’t stop smoking in front of son

[ElleGeeOh]

Our DS is 7. He has asthma which is being managed with inhalers, but is getting worse. My husband smokes rolling tobacco and can go through 30g in a couple of days which equates to over 20 a day.

He smokes indoors and will not accept that it is affecting our sons health.

He typically smokes in the living room, but when we have an argument about it he smokes in the kitchen. But he will spend all his time in there, which means he won’t interact with our son at all during that time.

During the day he smokes in his upstairs office.

Our Childminder has mentioned a number of times that our son smells of cigarettes and says she can smell it on his clothes and hair.

If we drive, I tell my husband there is no smoking in my car (I don’t smoke) but he does it anyway even if our son is in the car - his attitude is ‘who can see me / who will stop me / your word against mine’.

Its caused numerous arguments and he says he will go outside but he doesn’t. He then says that when he went away for 2 days, our son was in a smoke free home and he came back to him coughing more than ever - this has boosted his ‘theory’ that our sons asthma isn’t due to his smoking.

Leaving him isn’t an option for me right now, but I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know how I can make him see sense. I fell like he needs to be told by someone other than me - a professional etc. Any advice?

Where'd you find this prince op? Ugh.

Can your son live with relatives? Grandparents?

What do you want us to tell you? Your husband is a selfish piece of shit and you aren't willing to actually take any action, so he'll go on being a selfish piece of shit. The end.

Sorry that sounded harsh, it's not your fault he doesn't prioritise his son and is a bit dim.

I hope you can find a way to find and use your voice with him op. I know that the obvious advice of just tell/force him" will be easy said but not easy done. But hopefully you can build up to it.

He isn’t going to stop smoking, you need to remove your son from the situation.

It’s not just your son who is at risk here - clearly your DH has no regard for your health either.

When I change a child’s book at school I can smell that the parents smoke.
There is something about an adult who chooses to smoke around their child that seems particularly abhorrent.

There's no point telling you what a massive shit he is, because you clearly already know that. In your position I would be making plans to leave, even if there were immovable obstacles stopping me at this moment.

He won't listen to a professional, but you could try bringing him to a GP appointment and mentioning smoking?

In the short term, can you open the windows while he's about?

Had this with family members years ago. Both the DP heavy smokers, thought smoking in the kitchen and shutting the door would solve the problem. Eldest DD was continually in and out of hospital with asthma issues. Seriously ill many times. Didn't stop them.

You either leave or stay and risk your son's health/life. He doesn't give a fuck so won't change.

This.

I’m willing to take the actions - but I don’t have the funds to leave right now - where do I go when it’s just us. We have no family support. We have no network other than friends who have their own lives and issues. In the meantime I don’t know how else to get through to him.

He is actively harming his son’s health and you’re enabling it. Sorry OP but it’s true. Your son won’t forgive you for not leaving.

I think this is shocking tbh. I say that as a child of the 80s when everyone smoked. You do develop more of a cough when free of smoke that is because the stuff in cigarettes stops your lungs from clearing themselves. This is why smokers cough in the morning and if you stop smoking a week later you’ll be coughing up some disgusting looking stuff.

It’s definitely a case of better out than in. You should have him leave for the sake of your child.?

This

Not to mention that you and your son are passive smokers and at risk of lung cancer in the future.

Why can’t you leave him ?

Especially one who has asthma. Does this man not understand that asthma can kill? Or not understand the dangers of asthma and smoking? Can you take him to asta nurse appointments? Or does he just not care?

I'm.not sure that your son wants you to leave, that's not usually how children work.

Tbh I would start by just being extremely clear that OF COURSE your son's asthma is worsened by his dad's smoking. He doesn't get to ignore that and pretend green is blue.

Are you willing to become a nag? You know what a nag is? A woman who won't let her reality be overruled by the men in her life. He starts rolling up and you sat 'outside you go'. He tuts and ignores you and you keep saying it. He sneers and rolls his eyes at your son to sat 'women, eh'. He lights up and you yell 'OUTSIDE' and make him uncomfortable until he bloody goes outside. Grab the fag and put it out if you have to.

You don't get to be nice and a normal person, be ause he'sa selfish addict. Protect your son.

Selfish

Honestly this is awful to read, I think you should refer yourselves to social services to get help with this to force him to at least smoke outside. Hopefully hearing it from them might make a difference and if not you need to find a way to leave

In the 80s I got a summer job in a Civil Service office. I was 17. Lots of people in the office smoked, it was normal to smoke in an office then. I couldn't stand it. People also smoked on the bus and it was a long bus journey there and back.

I developed asthma during that summer job. I'm sure it was the smoke. Throughout university and in my 20s I often found I had to go outside for a while if I was in a pub, where everyone also smoked, as the smoke would trigger my asthma. I often had to use my inhaler. It seemed a big ask to request people smoked outside if they came to my house in those days.

The change in society where smoking indoors is not considered acceptable had a massive impact on my life and health.

I still have an inhaler as I have very occasionally, maybe once every couple of years, found an allergen has triggered mild symptoms. But since the end of indoor smoking in public places I am basically no longer considered asthmatic.

I would take your son to the GP and explain that you are concerned that the smoking indoors is making his asthma worse and see what the GP says. At least you would have a professional to back up your point of view.

@Netcam's advice ,to take your son to the GP and ask for help , is the most practical thing anyone's said.

Thank you all. Lots to consider here.

leaving isn’t an option right now mainly due to finances.

Even if we split it would be 50/50 care and doesn’t solve the issue of him still smoking in front of him for a week at a time.

I’ve spoken to my childminder and she said to contact the school and they will speak to my son and then write a letter home. I’m hoping that will do something at the very least.

Does your GP practice run a drop in asthma clinic (mine does).
Take him along, and have him sit in on a consultation. Ask the HCP for her professional opinion, in whether his smoking is affecting your DS' asthma.
Surely, the shame will make him want to stop? Then, he can go to the smoking cessation clinic. He can get treatment and support to give up.
Perhaps you could put away the equivalent to what he's spending on tobacco, and you could use the money to take DS on a short break to the coast, for some.fresh air.

Do you know for sure about the 50/50 care op or are you assuming? As for leaving/finances, I'm not saying it's an easy choice or the choice you would make, but there is always a way. MN are great at helping people through the practicalities.

All this getting drs to guilt him and manoeuvres to get letters home from school, it's just all a bit passive really. And why would.he listen to them when his own (lack of) common sense is telling him he's right? I feel for you, but on the face of it you could be more active in protecting your son. Asthma kills.

I think it is illegal to smoke in a car with a child. Smoking inside a house is disgusting. Unless everyone smokes. https://www.smokefreeaction.org.uk/campaigns/smoking-in-cars#:~:text=The%20ban%20on%20smoking%20in,under%20the%20age%20of%2018.

If you split and he was smoking in the house with your asthmatic son and refusing to take in board any medical advice to do otherwise, you might be able to ask the court for different arrangements.

I imagine smoking in the house is probably a difficult issue for the court to base decisions on since it is legal.

However, some advice from a medical professional that he is unwilling to take on board might demonstrate that he is unreasonable and not putting your son's best interests first. It might put you in a better position to ask the court for arrangements where your son spends more time with you.