Husband won’t stop smoking in front of son

[ElleGeeOh]

Our DS is 7. He has asthma which is being managed with inhalers, but is getting worse. My husband smokes rolling tobacco and can go through 30g in a couple of days which equates to over 20 a day.

He smokes indoors and will not accept that it is affecting our sons health.

He typically smokes in the living room, but when we have an argument about it he smokes in the kitchen. But he will spend all his time in there, which means he won’t interact with our son at all during that time.

During the day he smokes in his upstairs office.

Our Childminder has mentioned a number of times that our son smells of cigarettes and says she can smell it on his clothes and hair.

If we drive, I tell my husband there is no smoking in my car (I don’t smoke) but he does it anyway even if our son is in the car - his attitude is ‘who can see me / who will stop me / your word against mine’.

Its caused numerous arguments and he says he will go outside but he doesn’t. He then says that when he went away for 2 days, our son was in a smoke free home and he came back to him coughing more than ever - this has boosted his ‘theory’ that our sons asthma isn’t due to his smoking.

Leaving him isn’t an option for me right now, but I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know how I can make him see sense. I fell like he needs to be told by someone other than me - a professional etc. Any advice?

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If you haven’t done this already I’d try and engineer a visit to the GP where you get the GP to tell him straight in the face that he needs to stop
ideally chat to (sympathetic GP)in advance

this would be a LTB situation regardless of the child’s health unless you had specifically agreed with him that you were fine with him continuing smoking in the house before he was born (seems unlikely) . However in this instance there is no doubt it is negatively affecting his health.

Absolutely this!

If it continues, your son will resent you and will not understand why you allowed this to happen. Nothing is more important than your son’s health. I don’t normally comment on MN, but this is shocking.

Leaving him isn’t an option? OP it is your only option. I’m writing as an asthmatic…you have to leave him. Your husband is killing your son. By staying you are making your son’s life miserable, painful and shorter.

What sort of person is he to smoke in such close proximity to your child? It’s abuse.

An addiction is one thing. But nothing is stopping him from smoking outside.

As his mum you need to protect this little boy. You are his advocate and protector. I understand the thought of leaving must be absolutely terrifying financially, logistically and emotionally, but oh my goodness you have to remove your child from this environment. Asthma is unpredictable and it kills, you are running a very high risk of losing him forever.

I feel for you, and I hope that you know deep down you have to take your child away from this and that’s why you took the first step of posting here.

sending you all the strength I can

This

You need to find a way to leave him. I would 100% fight for custody based on him not caring about your child's health.

How long has he been smoking?

This is the most disgusting thing I have read for a long long time.
Honestly, what a vile man.
Call women's aid, NSPCC (he is abusing your child!!) and CAB - anyone for advise, just get out. You will be saving your sons life.

As an ex smoker I understand how hard it is to give up. But to not even stand outside while he does it, to actually sit In the room with his 7 year old asthmatic child and smoke is just unbelievable. I'd be disgusted by him op.

What a selfish horrible man, I’d phone the council and put your name on the list, you could get a letter from school, social work and gp to say your living situation is putting your child at risk which could hopefully move you up the list

What a vile individual

You can get her to raise a safeguarding concern with social services as well as a welfare check with him might help!

You can speak to your health visitor as well. The more you document this. The less likely he'll have 50/50 of you do split.
Call the police on him every time he smokes in the car.

Your husband is a selfish prick!! I'm saying that as a smoker myself. I don't ever smoke in the house. I only smoke in the car when my child is not with me. If I'm out in public I don't smoke near my people, it stinks and is a disgusting habit!

Not meaning to be rude but smoking in the car is still bad, the chemicals are stuck to the fabric for ages, I’m saying this as an ex smoker

Like someone else said, I would imagine if you split up you could get your solicitor to argue that he is putting your sons health and life at risk by exposing him to cigarette smoke.
You can try other measures that people have suggested here- get the school to speak to/contact him, the GP or health visitor. Although be prepared for these agencies to also take a dim view of you continuing to allow him to be exposed. Because that is how they might see it.
You have to put your son first. Can you and he go and live somewhere else even temporarily to make him see you are serious about this? Even if the house could get a good airing and he would agree to smoke outside from now on? That would be better than nothing. Smoking in a car with a child in is illegal I’m sure. If you do move out yes by rights he could argue for 50/50 access but as I said I think you have strong grounds to fight this. Is your house jointly owned? Because if moving out ends up being more than temporary you still have rights to that house.
Please protect your son.

Get your son's GP to talk to him. He might listen to a medical professional.

Also if he will read then this can be printed and given to him.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=ash.org.uk/uploads/ASH_595.pdf%3Fv%3D1648137677&ved=2ahUKEwjQv-zQzuWJAxXuRkEAHa6cDhIQFnoECBcQAQ&usg=AOvVaw36LHJba-RzKWgRJcGyvFis

Yep same where I work you really can smell it on everything spare clothes in bags etc its an awful smell.

Show him a video on the dangers to children with asthma of second hand smoke.
As a stop gap measure an ioniser will help clear the smoke from the room, but this is not a solution. He needs to stop smoking in the house.

When I met my dh he smoked and as soon as I found out I was pregnant I said outside or nothing. Thankfully after a year of outside he quit . He did vape for a little bit at one point but again it was outside or nothing.
Tell him outright outside or nothing .
Or it will be the end of tour relationship. You can't mess about when it comes to a child with asthma and smoking.
To be fair kids in general shouldn't have to breath it in.
Why has it taken 7 years for you to want to make a change?

U r as bad as yr husband allowing him to harm yr child, grow a back bone.

I can't believe this day and age people still smoke in their home, it's minging. I vape, used to smoke and still think it's disgusting to smoke indoors especially if you have children !! For fucks sake op what is wrong with your husband ????

@ElleGeeOh oh dear I am shocked that people still think it is ok to smoke in front of any child. He may be addicted and not be able to stop, but he should not be smoking in the house at all. The dangers of passive smoking is a fact. Would he get 50% care if you were to separate, I would fight that all the way. I would have thought that would not be acceptable. In your situation get some legal advice.

Your husband is endangering his own child's health and your health. He is also breaking the law. You cannot allow this. Either he starts smoking outside or you need to throw him out. It doesn't matter what your finances are like, there's no amount of money that will compensate for your child having a life time of health issues caused by his selfishness. Get yourself a good divorce lawyer. And next time he lights up in the car, call the police!

Also, realistically, what are the chances of him wanting 50/50 custody. This is a man who can't even be bothered not to smoke around his kid, something that takes absolutely minimal effort. No way is going to be bothered to actually look after him.

He knows that he is making your son's asthma worse. A letter from the school, the health visitor or GP won't change that. He just doesn't give a shit about his own son's health.

Is he a husband or partner? You need to get legal advice and do the scary thing and put your son first, at the moment you're enabling his behaviour. It's highly unlikely he'll get 50-50 if he's still smoking but if he does at least he has a smoke free home for half the time.

Think of all the single parents in the world. How do they cope financially? You may need to adjust your lifestyle but surely that's worth it for your child?

I'm sorry but your husband sounds very selfish. While your husband's smoking 'may not' be the direct cause of your son's asthma, it can still harm him. If it were me, I would prioritise my son's health and leave that selfish human being. But I understand that everyone's situation is different, I hope you find a solution that works best for your family.