Husband won’t stop smoking in front of son

[ElleGeeOh]

Our DS is 7. He has asthma which is being managed with inhalers, but is getting worse. My husband smokes rolling tobacco and can go through 30g in a couple of days which equates to over 20 a day.

He smokes indoors and will not accept that it is affecting our sons health.

He typically smokes in the living room, but when we have an argument about it he smokes in the kitchen. But he will spend all his time in there, which means he won’t interact with our son at all during that time.

During the day he smokes in his upstairs office.

Our Childminder has mentioned a number of times that our son smells of cigarettes and says she can smell it on his clothes and hair.

If we drive, I tell my husband there is no smoking in my car (I don’t smoke) but he does it anyway even if our son is in the car - his attitude is ‘who can see me / who will stop me / your word against mine’.

Its caused numerous arguments and he says he will go outside but he doesn’t. He then says that when he went away for 2 days, our son was in a smoke free home and he came back to him coughing more than ever - this has boosted his ‘theory’ that our sons asthma isn’t due to his smoking.

Leaving him isn’t an option for me right now, but I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know how I can make him see sense. I fell like he needs to be told by someone other than me - a professional etc. Any advice?

In this day and age it's pretty fucking shocking.

My dad smoked like a chimney at home and what happened? Yes, he had an asthmatic child who went on to become a smoker at 14. And he died at 55 from a heart attack.
Worst decision I ever made but it had become totally normalised. But now, smoking indoors around kids is considered borderline neglect.

I don't see why he can't try and cut down by vaping, using nicotine replacement while he's indoors, then go for a fag every hour outside. Especially if he can in fact smoke in his office, so why do it in communal areas?

He sounds horrible and so uncaring about his own and your kids health.

I watched my nan give my cousin his inhaler for his asthma attack with the inhaler in one hand and a cigarette in the other. She chain smoked and I didn't see her for a few years because I hated the smell of smoke. I was about 15-16 when the incident with my cousin happened and even as I child I knew that was so wrong!
My nan went to her grave never admitting that smoking caused her any negatives. Nothing bad happened through smoking in pregnancy completely ignoring the fact my dad was born 3 months early, weight just 2lb and wasn't expected to live a week.
There are smokers that know it's bad, know it's addictive and aren't ready to stop but try to be considerate. Those are fairly likely to take on board comments and try to reduce harm to others. Then there are smokers like your partner and my nan who are utterly and completely in denial about the harms of smoking, the impact it has on themselves and those around them. You could get a personal letter from the king, the PM, the pope, the head of the public health, the school, the captain of his favourite sporting team and it will make not one jot of difference.
Sometimes in life you have to recognise that the only behaviour you can influence is your own.
Get together a plan to leave and leave quickly. We are going into winter more bugs, it's a harder time of asthmatics and less likely your partner is going to spontaneously start smoking outside when it's peeing with rain or howling wind.

Are you in the uk op? If yes, the. You can leave! Your dh will need to pay child maintenance and check the benefits call for what you're entitled to.

He’s not going to stop so my only suggestions are to try and mitigate the effects of his smoking by controlling what you can control:

Wide open windows
Air purifiers
Plants to get rid of smoke

Remove your son from the room every time DH comes in and starts smoking. Be very clear he is making a choice between his son and cigarettes.

Ergh disgusting. Why are you still with him?

‘Leaving isn’t an option right now’.

Hmmm… this man is jeopardising the long term health of your child. If he was physically smacking or punching him, would you say the same “can’t leave right now”?!
It’s the same thing!

And placing yet another burden on the school is cowardly. This is on you. You’re his mother. Stand up for him and do what you need to do.

Asthma can kill. Especially young children. He is aware of that? I can’t believe any father would be so selfish, I would take my son and be out of there, or chucking his tobacco in the bin/ sink whenever he bought any. Do not put up with this. Your son was probably coughing more after the couple of days this prince was away, in the way that a quitting smoker does - because their lungs are going through recovery.

Social work will NOT get involved with a father who smokes indoors!!!

Their child is asthmatic. It's medical neglect. It's clearly not the only way he's abusive. I wouldn't be so sure about social care.

What would happen if you took your husband with you to the GP and asked if smoking indoors harms your son’s health? Would your husband get angry with you?

That's abuse. What are you going to do about it? You need to leave as soon as possible.

I have seen social services get involved in a situation like this, you're just as bad for letting it happen and sticking around!

Your poor child, I hope he gets help.

They just advise parents who smoke cannabis to smoke outdoors, never mind cigarettes. Honestly, social work would not care about this - what do you expect a social worker to do? They can’t force the father to stop smoking and certainly wouldn’t be removing a child for it.
It sounds to me like OP has bigger issues with her husbands controlling behaviour than his smoking, and her only option is to either put up with the situation or seek support in leaving.

@ElleGeeOh didn't you have this discussion before he was born?

Yes, I'm not so sure either, especially if the child was having hostpital admittions. Children die from asthma, if social services ignored the fact a parent was chain smoking in the house, refused to stop, and the kid was suffering a life threatening condition as a result, they wouldn't be doing their job imo. If the kid died from asthma, everyone involved, including social services if they knew, would have very hard questions to answer.