Husband won’t stop smoking in front of son

[ElleGeeOh]

Our DS is 7. He has asthma which is being managed with inhalers, but is getting worse. My husband smokes rolling tobacco and can go through 30g in a couple of days which equates to over 20 a day.

He smokes indoors and will not accept that it is affecting our sons health.

He typically smokes in the living room, but when we have an argument about it he smokes in the kitchen. But he will spend all his time in there, which means he won’t interact with our son at all during that time.

During the day he smokes in his upstairs office.

Our Childminder has mentioned a number of times that our son smells of cigarettes and says she can smell it on his clothes and hair.

If we drive, I tell my husband there is no smoking in my car (I don’t smoke) but he does it anyway even if our son is in the car - his attitude is ‘who can see me / who will stop me / your word against mine’.

Its caused numerous arguments and he says he will go outside but he doesn’t. He then says that when he went away for 2 days, our son was in a smoke free home and he came back to him coughing more than ever - this has boosted his ‘theory’ that our sons asthma isn’t due to his smoking.

Leaving him isn’t an option for me right now, but I don’t know what else to do.

I don’t know how I can make him see sense. I fell like he needs to be told by someone other than me - a professional etc. Any advice?

There is no way your ex would get 50/50 care when he is actively harming your son's health. My ex was told by the health visitor that he should not be smoking as it was affecting my DDs health and he was smoking outside. Obviously I don't know about your finances and situation, but it sounds like you are looking for reasons NOT to leave. What's your relationship like? Is he abusive in other ways? You need to protect your child.

Most smokers won’t give up smoking unless there is a serious health scare, and even then they might not, its not easy giving up smoking, and actually its pretty scary giving up a crutch, and arguing with him about it wont help, not saying its your fault OP just giving it to you as a person who is currently trying to quit smoking, my motivations are my children (i don’t smoke around them though) my own health, money, time i could be spending to be more productive, find a motivation for him to quit, whatever that is, treat it like getting a child to do something, if he doesn’t smoke for 1 day he gets a reward, one week he gets another reward etc it will go either way he will either quit or he will hide it, win-win since hiding it means he won’t be smoking around your kids xx

How awful OP.
Your poor son (and you) must absolutely stink on top of everything else.
Got the childminder and school to both write to your husband about it. Go see the GP, get them to write spelling out the issues. I would even report to police about smoking in the car as a last resort.
Do you actually want to be with this man?
It doesn't sound like you do.
All the above letters, will help you get your ducks in a row at argue against shared custody when you leave him. I would also go to Women's Aid ask them to help you work out how you can leave him.
Good luck OP and well done taking this seriously.

Aww that's nice. Treating a selfish pig of a grown man like a small child and making his behaviour OP's responsibility. OP your responsibility is to protect your child. At the moment, you're not doing that.

Most smokers won’t give up smoking unless there is a serious health scare

Bullshit, I know plenty of ex smokers. Many gave up at the time they had kids.

It doesn’t matter if he went outside as it’d still be on his clothes (and even then that’d only go so far). I highly doubt he’s going to get changed after every cigarette if he won’t even go outside. I appreciate it’s hard but you know what you need to do.

I don't think a letter from a school would be enough.

Did you have health visitors when your child was younger? I'm really having a hard time understanding how his getting away with it.
No family members or friends telling him off?
I'm sorry, but you shouldn't let this issue go this far.

It's not hard to go outside or stand at the door while you smoke, but he got away with it for so long, he doesn't care anymore (which obviously is very selfish and ridiculous).

You need professional help; here on mumsnet, everyone will say "leave him" like it was the easiest thing to do.

You can always sort finances. It will happen and work itself out. For example if you split up you may be entitled to UC etc
Kick him out or take your son somewhere else. You can not keep enabling this to happen. Your poor son’s health!
Call women’s aid or go to citizens advice. See if your local school nursing team can help.

You need to help and be the voice for your child. And yourself! It won’t just be your child who is breathing in the smoke and stinking of it.

for starters - make him go outside!!

Also you dont have to let him smoke in your car? Open the door and tell him to get out and drive off. Stop entertaining this behaviour from him.

It is illegal to smoke in the car with a child

In the interim, I would buy a couple of air purifiers and put them in your sons bedroom, the living room and your husband's office. Control the immediate areas he smokes in and protect your sons bedroom.

Keep doors closed at all times to control the air movement.

Air all the rooms every day.

Every time he sparks up, open the windows of the room you're in or leave the room with your sin

Air the car. Every time he smokes in the car, open all four windows.

Piss him off. Make it harder for him to smoke. He can smoke outdoors, the selfish prick.

Note I'm an ex smoker and never ever smoked indoors in my own home.

I was coming on here to say that...the cilia (little hairs in the trachea) are prevented from working due to cigarette smoke. They start again in a smoke free environment. Your husband is an idiot

Your husband is a cunt. Nothing further to add.

That’s vile. Your son has asthma. Please make him smoke outside or leave him. Those are your options in my opinion.

I won't even take my son into my dads house for an hour once a week because he smokes indoors. It's resulted in my hardly seeing my dad since my son was born but it's what's needed to protect him.

Protect your boy OP, get him out of this situation

It sounds like it's you and your son against this imbecile. Agree with PPs, time to start prioritising your son's health and working out a way to leave him. It's a shame having a smoker for a parent doesn't affect custody. What makes you think it'd be 50/50 OP? He might not want him half the time.

You would both have a better quality of life without your husband. I literally could not be with a smoker.

He is abusing his own child. I would separate from him for my son's sake.

Report him everywhere you can. Report his smoking with a child in the car to your local police online or to 101. Report to the school, report to the GP and call social services yourself to take advice.

Good grief, I feel so sorry for you and your son. It makes me so angry to hear he is putting his son's life at risk.
Most smokers can cope with smoking outside.
I'd want to kill him let alone leave him.
But if leaving isn't an option I would avoid DH as much as possible, get DS out of house early, do after school clubs or activities and spend time with friends and family. Avoid outings or drive separately.
Make DS bedroom a safe zone where he can watch tv etc without having to be in the front room.

Could you seek advice from the school nurse? Maybe some resources you can leave around the house? About 25-30 children die from asthma in the uk every year, I think it may take something shocking for your partner to understand. I wonder also if they could use one of those devices they use to assess smoking in pregnant women to test the levels in your sons blood?

My mum smoked, I had to have multiple operations as a child, which I’ve subsequently found out were probably due to her smoking.
I mentioned it to her when I found out, she said she’d known.

so she had known her smoking potentially caused me to have anaesthetic's, hospital stays, doctors appointments, issues with scarring and missed school. Yet she carried on
can you imagine how that makes me feel?

leave him your allowing your son to be abused by him

I do home care, and we recently took on a new client; a chain smoker.
It's a 30 minute visit. I insist that the back door is open, while I'm in there.
Yet, the next clients have commented on the smell, even though I've driven there, with my car windows down.

After about a week, I could feel my breathing 'catch' in my chest.
I told my management, and we now give him the choice. No smoking for 30 minutes prior to the visit, and no smoking during the visit.
But, he's addicted. So, we have no choice, but to do the bare minimum, then leave.

I'm a healthy adult, but my management have taken steps to protect me from an hour a day, of second hand smoke.
OP, you need to do at least as much as my manager has, to protect your asthmatic child.
Good luck with it. You're in a difficult situation.

Well 50% smoke free is better than what your poor son has now. Who could be that much of a selfish prick to aggregate a child's medical condition.

He does realise he is taking time off his son's life. Because I would be yelling that at him every single day, the selfish prat.

Why do you think you would end up with 50:50? Honestly, men who do 50:50 are fairly few and far between. And he's already proved that he cares more about smoking than he does about you or his son and doesn't do that much active parenting, so I think actual 50:50 would be unlikely.

@Lellamir its really difficult isn’t it, I have visited patients dying at home from lung cancer who still smoke in front of their children and grandchildren. It’s a horrible addiction to have but I appreciate all those smokers who make the effort to reduce the impact on others. Why you would damage your own kids is beyond me .