Hello I'm hoping for some advice from someone who has been through similar or knows what to do.
My son was the sweetest little boy. He was the child who was awarded certificates at Primary school for being kind, thoughtful, polite, hardworking etc. I always worried about his self confidence but also proud (pride before a fall) that I was raising a seemingly kind soul.
To this day to the outside world he is this kind soul - looks after his friends and people within the extended family but at home things have been different for years.
It started at secondary school with shoving me. He's been 6 foot for 2 years. At its worst in January he pushed me over and was kicking me while I was on the ground. He has physically shoved my husband on numerous occasions (including pushing him down the stairs) when he has tried to intervene - the aggression always starts directed at me.
He hasn't pushed me or hit me for probably 3 months. He seemed to finally listen to my husband who said if he ever hit or pushed me again he would call the police.
Even though he is not pushing or hitting either my husband or I the aggression continues. It feels as though we are tiptoeing around him - he can be happy for several weeks and it's like we are trying to do anything to keep him there. We're never really relaxed. It feels like we don't know him anymore - if things are on his terms everything is OK.
Instead of the physical violence he now breaks things and uses aggressive body language (he's taller than both of us). In the past couple of months he has broken a blind, my husbands work mouse, his sister's lamp, our bedroom big light, living room door and dented the walls.
Then again tonight after an ok week of half term. He is at college only 3 days a week so agreed to find a part time job. We have helped him write a CV and helped him apply for McDonald's and tesco but this was 2 months ago. 2 more jobs have come up locally but he keeps putting off applying. Today his dad offered again to help him with the applications and the aggression started. He smashed up my bedside table and tore my work coat to shreds. I think the aggression is directed at me because I found the 2 jobs. He has said some appalling things to me again tonight (very misogynistic eg you're lucky dad married you when he did because if he saw you now no one would want you - you're fat, old, disgusting. You're lucky dad has a good job because you earn nothing - I work full time as a teacher but my husband earns 3x my salary) He has been getting in front of me towering over me aggressively not letting me get past while he says awful things.
How has it got to this? He hasn't learnt it from his dad - he wouldn't so much as raise his voice at me.
We find we're just trying to keep him calm in the middle of it all but then are we not just making it worse? Whenever we try to talk to him about it (days later) he won't discuss it.
I can hear him now in his room happily chatting to his friend (on the phone) like nothing has happened. I'm lying in bed unable to sleep.