Aggressive 16 year old son

[Tryingmybestbut]

Hello I'm hoping for some advice from someone who has been through similar or knows what to do.

My son was the sweetest little boy. He was the child who was awarded certificates at Primary school for being kind, thoughtful, polite, hardworking etc. I always worried about his self confidence but also proud (pride before a fall) that I was raising a seemingly kind soul.

To this day to the outside world he is this kind soul - looks after his friends and people within the extended family but at home things have been different for years.

It started at secondary school with shoving me. He's been 6 foot for 2 years. At its worst in January he pushed me over and was kicking me while I was on the ground. He has physically shoved my husband on numerous occasions (including pushing him down the stairs) when he has tried to intervene - the aggression always starts directed at me.

He hasn't pushed me or hit me for probably 3 months. He seemed to finally listen to my husband who said if he ever hit or pushed me again he would call the police.

Even though he is not pushing or hitting either my husband or I the aggression continues. It feels as though we are tiptoeing around him - he can be happy for several weeks and it's like we are trying to do anything to keep him there. We're never really relaxed. It feels like we don't know him anymore - if things are on his terms everything is OK.

Instead of the physical violence he now breaks things and uses aggressive body language (he's taller than both of us). In the past couple of months he has broken a blind, my husbands work mouse, his sister's lamp, our bedroom big light, living room door and dented the walls.

Then again tonight after an ok week of half term. He is at college only 3 days a week so agreed to find a part time job. We have helped him write a CV and helped him apply for McDonald's and tesco but this was 2 months ago. 2 more jobs have come up locally but he keeps putting off applying. Today his dad offered again to help him with the applications and the aggression started. He smashed up my bedside table and tore my work coat to shreds. I think the aggression is directed at me because I found the 2 jobs. He has said some appalling things to me again tonight (very misogynistic eg you're lucky dad married you when he did because if he saw you now no one would want you - you're fat, old, disgusting. You're lucky dad has a good job because you earn nothing - I work full time as a teacher but my husband earns 3x my salary) He has been getting in front of me towering over me aggressively not letting me get past while he says awful things.

How has it got to this? He hasn't learnt it from his dad - he wouldn't so much as raise his voice at me.

We find we're just trying to keep him calm in the middle of it all but then are we not just making it worse? Whenever we try to talk to him about it (days later) he won't discuss it.

I can hear him now in his room happily chatting to his friend (on the phone) like nothing has happened. I'm lying in bed unable to sleep.

OP - I have been through this.

My now 17yo was diagnosed with ASD at 10, and at that point was basically abandoned by CAMHS who had previously been supporting him.

It sounds highly highly likely that your ds is not NT, but I think that high functioning neurodiversity is a bit of a red herring in relation to these types of behaviours.

I am autistic and I have struggled with managing my emotions and managing every day things throughout my life but I have never resorted to abuse. My ds father is ND and he abused me for 11 years before I was able to find the strength to leave. My ds had already started to abuse me before I left his father and his father (obviously) never intervened.

I spent years and years walking on eggshells around ds, pussyfooting and making excuses for him because of his ND, trying to get him help that he would never engage with. He hit me, hit his younger siblings, destroyed our things and I had to call the police multiple times. I had no one here backing me up, he was bigger and stronger than me by 14, and I kept him at home for far too long for either his or siblings goods. This year he had to leave our family home.

My thoughts when reading your OP.
It appears from what you've written that his father doesn't intervene because this makes things worse? And because he had been pushed himself?
This means that the message that both of your children are receiving is that it is ok for a man sized boy to physically abuse (and destroying your things is still physical abuse) his mother and his father will stand by.

It also appears that his father has told him he will call the police if violence occurs again but he has not followed this through? Again - destroying your things IS violence. This is when you MUST call the police. You have to get both of your children the message, before it's too late, that this behaviour has serious consequences and it will not be tolerated.

Once you have called police they will likely make a children's services referral. If they do not, ask them to. Also make a referral for yourselves. You NEED help, for the sake of your DS and of your DD. You are doing them NO favours by allowing this to continue.

It really really doesn't matter that he may well be ND. Honestly. He still has to live in the world and since he is high functioning he KNOWS that this behaviour is not ok. He knows what he is doing and he is capable of stopping. If he cannot stop himself then he needs professional help for his own good.

If you leave this, he will have a miserable life. He will end up abusing women when he grows up. Is this what you want?

Someone else mentioned NVR - and this is good, but you absolutely have to address his behaviour as and when it happens.

You also have to stop walking on eggshells. Yes - it will likely trigger abuse, but then you address the abuse. If you continue to tiptoe around him, he is learning that he can control others through his behaviour. This is not healthy.

If you continue to allow him to get away with behaving like this - your daughter is at much higher risk of ending up in an abusive relationship herself when she is older.

I have had support through women's aid for my son's behaviour after he left the family home, and through them his siblings are able to access specialist domestic abuse support services. My own daughter told me after her big brother had gone 'it's ok mummy, I'm used to it, it's just normal to me'
She presents as absolutely fine, but it should not be 'normal' for a little girl to be threatened and terrorised by an adult sized sibling. I suspect that if you scratch the surface you will find that immense damage has been done to your daughter that you absolutely must facilitate getting her help with

Good luck

Calling your mother ugly and belittling is absolutely no part of being neurodivergent. And it is an absolute insult to those that are to say it is. He is an abuser who can turn it on and off. He is trying to control and get his own way.

And he has the wit to not direct it at his father. Says it all.

I agree with @Janedoe82 he is deciding who to aim this behaviour at, he CAN control it. I am sure he is struggling with managing his emotions, but he is absolutely choosing this as his outlet for that struggle and that is not ok.

My ex is ND and also has diagnosed mental health conditions, and he blamed his abuse on this to avoid taking responsibility. It is an excuse.

One of my other children is also autistic, and he does not abuse me or his siblings. It is not inevitable.

Chuck him out before he really harms you. Your house, your rules. You need to feel safe in your own home.

I strongly disagree, this is exactly how our family member presents in a meltdown. Horrendous verbal and physical attacks. He is now 23 has a complex diagnosis ASD/PDA/ etc al.

All professional advice has clearly stated it isn't in his capacity to control. So your amateur analysis is medically factually incorrect and is very hurtful to families where this is their lived reality.

When you have to learn how to protect yourself from a young child using a towel your understanding of the reality hits bloody hard.

This young man is when not in a meltdown a wonderful affectionate person but his conditions mean it is always likely an attack is possible due to his inability to induce his impulse control.

Would you expect a person paralysed to walk? Then don't ignorantly expect a person with complex ASD to have abilities they may not possibly have. Yes it isn't everyone but it is a hell of a lot of young men.

@Marblesbackagain may I ask whether your family member only aims these attacks at one person, or people but ignoring others around? And does he engage in abusive behaviours outside of the meltdowns?

This is what the OPs son is doing, this is what my son was doing.

My son has very complex asd/pda and there is a huge difference between a meltdown where he really isn't in control, and when this happens he stops for no one - he has tried to fight multiple police officers in this state.

But he also uses violence, abuse and destruction as a method of maintaining control and keeping everything how he wants it. Honestly - in my experience - saying 'it's because of his neurodiversity' and allowing the situation to go on unchallenged and unsupported helps no one at all. It doesn't help the person who is doing the abuse any more than anyone else around them.

Recognising that neurodiverse people can become abusive, like genuinely abusive, is very very important imo. And it's not an insult to anyone.

The attacks are generally at his mother his primary carer. We have been advised by numerous medical teams it is directly linked to his conditions.

The abuse is within the build up and within the meltdowns. He has attacked medical teams also when restraint was required for self preservation of life

This boy isn’t having a meltdown when he is being verbally abusive- he is being an abuser because he can. In the same way as many abusive men do.
And I work in this field and no point in any training has a doctor or psychologist ever said it is part of autism to be verbally absolve and try to destroy the self esteem of those around you. So I respectfully disagree. Abuse and melt downs are different things.

Well if you are in the field you are well aware there's very different views held at senior medical consultant level.

With respect we are happy to follow our national experts advice and their diagnosis.

That’s up to you but I agree with a previous poster that people who are neuro divergent can also be abusers and the two things should be treated separately. My child has adhd driven melt downs- but they know it is absolutely wrong to swear and call me or other family member names.

@Marblesbackagain I am very sorry to hear this.

I stand by what I have said about the OPs situation.

In my personal experience it is possible for genuine complex neurodivergence and plain abuse to co-exist.

And our professional advice from the top Irish experts has said in our family members case the opposite.

I am sure defence barristers everywhere will be delighted! ‘Sorry- he didn’t mean to beat the crap out of you and call you an ugly cow, he just has autism’ 🙄

It sounds like he is incredibly anxious and he is blaming everything on you. Help with the anxiety might be a starting point. He is 16. His brain is all over the place. He is being triggered by things relating to education/work. It's all very well saying he is an abuser but there is still time to change those pathways. NVR isn't a soft option. Whether he is ND or not is not an excuse for violence.
But that doesn't mean you don't find out what is making him feel so anxious. Does he feel like he is a failure? Shame makes people act very violently. He is ashamed of hurting you and that makes it worse. When you resist, refuse to allow yourself to be treated badly, you are actually helping him respect himself. When you keep it secret you make the shame worse.
NVR is about communication, and calling for support from others to back you up as well as other things.

Taken into care, as a last resort. There is no way I would ever tolerate being physically attacked by one of my children like that. Once would be enough.

You don't put up with this because you love him, you get it sorted as hard and fast as you can because you love him and don't want him to end up behaving like.this outside the home.and ending up in prison.

I would also stop paying for anything like his phone. He doesn't get to treat you like that with no consequences.

If he won't get help for his behaviour he needs to be kicked out of the house quite honestly.

I also re read your original post OP and tbh I don't think he is in a fit state to have a job at present. It's piling the pressure on when you don't need to add to the pressure. It's not walking on eggshells to back off on jobs, even part time jobs. It's not walking on eggshells to back off on tidying, helping, polite socialising,family outings. It's walking on eggshells to put up with violent abusive rants/actions. But emptying bins or laying tables or laundry...part time jobs...nah..that's when you pick your battles. Yes you can have a few basic expectations of politeness but surly is the default for most 16 year olds a lot of the time, and you don't have to pull them up on it, as long as there is basic respect most of the time.

None of my children had part time jobs at that age. Was it the end of the world? They went to school and were kind funny and friendly to us, told us their troubles; that was pressure enough. Even at uni they didn't have jobs until holidays and in ds2s case (ASD) when he left uni.

I don't think he sounds anxious. He sounds like a complete knob who has got way too big for his boots.

Definitely call the police OP. A sharp shock might be just what he needs.

FYI a male relative of mine was a complete dick at that age. Not as violent as your son but he threw his weight around and no man in the home so he intimidated his mum and two sisters.

In his case, it was a complete lack of boundaries and a mum who was scared of him and he knew it and took full advantage. He sorted himself out eventually but was way into his 20s

There has been several high profile cases where respected international experts have testified in court that in certain documented cases that abusive behaviour is directly correlated to the diagnosis, are you an international peer reviewed consultant? Of so then this won't be news.

And there will be witnesses for the prosecution saying the opposite. That’s how it works. At the end of the day there are a range of different opinions. Some people with very severe ASD are violent absolutely- but they also are not generally in mainstream school or working and are non verbal and have a range of other issues.
This isn’t the case here- this is a teenage boy who goes about destroying things such as his mothers clothes in a rage but is then able to calmly talk to a friend and presents to the world as happy and charming. Classic abuser.

Hey I'm a social worker in a different sort of team but echo what someone said earlier about Early Help. In the L.A where I work there is a dedicated child to parent Domestic Violence Service in early help. They came and did some training with us and were excellent.

"*Expressing knowledge that parenting by fear is not passive aggressive. And blaming knife crime on using fear as parenting is unbelievably ignorant. Knife crime in the UK is a clear result of what has happened over there for generations.

The growing societal divides and lack of infrastructure. The absence of bare minimum supper for their citizens.*
*
The ridiculous lottery of schooling. Families being left with no support for severe MH issues, undiagnosed ND, lack of treatment for addiction and a host of a hundred and one other things may have causation.'*

@Marblesbackagain
Yes you have been passive aggressive to me.
That's all very well psycho analysing me and the world - it doesn't really help OP now though does it? Shall she wait for the whole country's infrastructure to change while she suffers this?

Andrew Tate. I'd report him to Prevent tbh.

Or escalate.