Aggressive 16 year old son

[Tryingmybestbut]

Hello I'm hoping for some advice from someone who has been through similar or knows what to do.

My son was the sweetest little boy. He was the child who was awarded certificates at Primary school for being kind, thoughtful, polite, hardworking etc. I always worried about his self confidence but also proud (pride before a fall) that I was raising a seemingly kind soul.

To this day to the outside world he is this kind soul - looks after his friends and people within the extended family but at home things have been different for years.

It started at secondary school with shoving me. He's been 6 foot for 2 years. At its worst in January he pushed me over and was kicking me while I was on the ground. He has physically shoved my husband on numerous occasions (including pushing him down the stairs) when he has tried to intervene - the aggression always starts directed at me.

He hasn't pushed me or hit me for probably 3 months. He seemed to finally listen to my husband who said if he ever hit or pushed me again he would call the police.

Even though he is not pushing or hitting either my husband or I the aggression continues. It feels as though we are tiptoeing around him - he can be happy for several weeks and it's like we are trying to do anything to keep him there. We're never really relaxed. It feels like we don't know him anymore - if things are on his terms everything is OK.

Instead of the physical violence he now breaks things and uses aggressive body language (he's taller than both of us). In the past couple of months he has broken a blind, my husbands work mouse, his sister's lamp, our bedroom big light, living room door and dented the walls.

Then again tonight after an ok week of half term. He is at college only 3 days a week so agreed to find a part time job. We have helped him write a CV and helped him apply for McDonald's and tesco but this was 2 months ago. 2 more jobs have come up locally but he keeps putting off applying. Today his dad offered again to help him with the applications and the aggression started. He smashed up my bedside table and tore my work coat to shreds. I think the aggression is directed at me because I found the 2 jobs. He has said some appalling things to me again tonight (very misogynistic eg you're lucky dad married you when he did because if he saw you now no one would want you - you're fat, old, disgusting. You're lucky dad has a good job because you earn nothing - I work full time as a teacher but my husband earns 3x my salary) He has been getting in front of me towering over me aggressively not letting me get past while he says awful things.

How has it got to this? He hasn't learnt it from his dad - he wouldn't so much as raise his voice at me.

We find we're just trying to keep him calm in the middle of it all but then are we not just making it worse? Whenever we try to talk to him about it (days later) he won't discuss it.

I can hear him now in his room happily chatting to his friend (on the phone) like nothing has happened. I'm lying in bed unable to sleep.

Your husband needs to follow on with his announcement that he would call the police. He might not be hitting you, but he's being violent and extremely verbally abusive. Your son needs to understand that his vile actions have consequences.

@fallenbranches nobody can love from a place of fear. It is abusive the fact you hesitant to say it tells me everything.

The amount of damage your husband is doing to his children is absolutely uncountable and life long lasting. What is worse it may only come to the fore on the death of the abuser, leaving the child unable to call their actions to account.

Hopefully they will identify this and engage in therapy to stop them carrying on being abusive to their potential children.

Fear is something a child should never be a reaction to a parent. I am guessing sadly you are caught inside of it too.

No excuse for your kids being scared of you as a parent. At all. No child raised in a healthy loving supportive family would be scared of their parent. Abuse isn't just hitting.

You keep your head in the sand if you want, i guess it's easier than looking at the behaviors he displays that you think are out of order and going "well at least my kids don't hit me". That's a low, low bar.

If op's child is ND, which i strongly suspect, getting some big lout like your husband to scare him isn't going to help him in the long run. He needs actual help and so does she.

Could he be taking steroids?

My dad ruled through fear. I actually don’t remember being physically hurt very often but we were all too scared to step out of line so he probably didn’t need to. As a nearly 50 year old woman I’m scared of him now. I stopped having any contact with him many years ago when I saw how anxious he made my child.

I absolutely consider him abusive.

@Laalaalaand @Marblesbackagain I didn't expect any less from some MN responses. I think you don't understand what is meant by fear. It is ok for people to feel a fear of being held accountable for their actions. I don't commit crimes because, one I am a decent person and have been taught to be nice and respect people - the same we teach our children btw - with the added fear of the law, combined with respect. I respect my parents but also feared their reaction because I feared disappointing them. There is nothing wrong with that type of fear. It's a normal human reaction. And actually I have enough proof of our parenting skills, don't need analysis of your opinions as my DC are lovely respectful boys who know bullying and violence is wrong. They have learnt if you behave badly, there are consequences. They won't get their PlayStation for a week, or they won't be allowed to go park with their friends. Honestly the attempt to hang, draw and quarter any type of strong discipline is automatically labelled as abuse.

Hi. I'm sorry I haven't read all the replies, but a couple of thoughts.

Firstly what is he seeing online? Is he into Andrew Tate or similar? The way he speaks to you sounds like it. My daughter had a boyfriend who suddenly started coming out with stuff like this and it was because he was seeing it online.

Secondly, look into NVR (non violent resistance). It isn't easy but it is doable and will hopefully help you feel more in control.

Things like personality disorder etc are scary but if you don't speak to a GP or school etc now you will have no chance once he is 18.

Good luck.

Discipline and consequences isn’t the same a parenting through fear. Maybe choose your words more carefully rather than posting ambiguously and assuming that people know that you are not using the term fear in its true sense.

People respond to what they read so if you want to give it all the “my husbands old Charlie big potato’s, ruling through fear, our children will experience the highest of consequences and never dare to step out of line” then you should expect people to think that your DH sounds like a bit of an abusive and aggressive arse!

It is abusive your defence is just an example how damaging and ingrained it becomes.

Fear a non productive emotion which has developed to keep humans alive by triggering in life ending altering situations. This is a scientific fact.

Learning and parenting does not require nor should ever involve fear. Fear doesn't teach nor does it support self learning. Your poor children have a long road ahead hopefully they get the help they will need to reset what is normal parenting.

And no I didn't need fear of breaking the law to respect nor obey it. By teaching the reasons why a boundary exists by having reasonable boundaries and expectations with known consequences all without fear delivers well adjusted disciplined individuals.

Your approach leaves core damaging impacts. Your boys will likely try to use these methods among friends or worse at work and will quickly be pulled up, you are doing them a big disservice.

I find it very sad to fear of upsetting your parents. Why on earth should anyone ever fear their parents? It's fucked up.

@Marblesbackagain with all due respect you can absolutely remove your patronising comments about my 'poor' children.

@Marblesbackagain

You've commented twice and both times quoted me. How about you give the op some advice.

I could have written this post word for word. I have nothing but sympathy for you and am in exactly the same boat with my 17 yo.
On Saturday I told him to leave as I can't continue with the situation in the same way, however me and his dad are split so he has gone there to live.
Virtual hand hold for you and on a personal note I'm following avidly for any advice in your replies x

nonsense. He is in total control of what he is doing. He isn't having melt downs he is quite deliberately verbally and physically abusive.

I won't. Hopefully they have someone in their lives that will let them see fear is not acceptable parenting.

The fact you admitted acceptance of your husband used fear and are so defensive is very worrying and sad. I hope you have some support because this is not healthy.

I have given advice.

Did me calling out your suggestion to commit a crime then your so called retraction?

You are not the thread police. You don't like it go elsewhere.

@Marblesbackagain honestly do one with your patronising comments. I feel sorry for your children if you consistently use passive aggressive behaviour to get your opinions across. Standing on your soap box pitying others on their parenting methods. No wonder teenage knife crime and lack of respect for authority is off the scale in this country if you pity any parent who shuts it down.

Same - agree with you @fallenbranches

We have 3 DS and this house will absolutely not tolerate any disrespectful behaviour. They lose privileges and we come down hard on any sign of disrespect, because of course kids will be kids, and they try and push limits and boundaries.

We are British though, so I don't think it is confined to eastern Europeans.

You know this boy then? You've assessed him and you're a psychiatrist who is qualified to diagnose neurodivergent conditions?

I'm so sorry your going g through this op. I have also been through this but as a single parent. It was absolute hell .I won't go into it as it's nit about me. Have you contacted your GP and asked for a CAMHS referral. To be honest it was only when my son tried to take his like that they suddenly wanted to know. You could also asked for support from social services. They may have things they can refer you/your son to. Also look up emotional dysregulation. Things are much better with my son now. He's 27 now and he's in supported accommodation. But he's at home alot to . I will try find some links that I was given

Expressing knowledge that parenting by fear is not passive aggressive. And blaming knife crime on not using fear as parenting is unbelievably ignorant

Knife crime in the UK is a clear result of what has happened over there for generations.

The growing societal divides and lack of infrastructure. The absence of bare minimum support for their citizens.

The ridiculous lottery of schooling. Families being left with no support for severe MH issues, undiagnosed ND, lack of treatment for addiction and a host of a hundred and one other things may have causation.

But no me not using fear to parent isn't a contributing factor, honestly.🤦‍♀️

OP, my son got a lot better around 18 years old. His A levels (more stressful than GCSEs) were less stressful for us as a family, though still difficult. He's diagnosed ADHD and he (and I) thinks he might have ASC too. He's definitely depressed but not enough for doctors to do much (ie. Not suicidal). He still has some verbal outbursts but not the physical and he has not smashed his room for a while.

I hope as your DS grows up he will improve a bit. I'm sure his temper will always be a struggle (I'm emotional too and can get very angry but I can control what I say).

Meant to say 17 now not 27

I feel he may stab her If she sells his stuff

@Tryingmybestbut So sorry to read what your family is going through. My brother was/is like this so I empathise with your DD especially in this situation.

My brother sounds a bit like your DS in that the behaviour escalated throughout secondary school.

He used to smash things at home and deliberately target things that we cared about (e.g. my school work in exam years).

He used to hit me regularly and I still have physical scars from altercations in the teenage years.

This was the 1990s for our family and no support was really available. My mum went to talk to our family GP and the school, neither of whom had any constructive suggestions.

I have nothing at all to do with my brother now, as I cut all ties when he continued to be physically and emotionally aggressive to me at our parents' house when I was pregnant.

My parents remain in contact with him but things are not easy (and the pattern has repeated in other relationships he has).

I have since as an adult had a diagnosis of autism and I wonder whether my brother has this too, though of course am not qualified to say.

I hesitated to share this story as it's not really offering any solutions, but the neurodiversity angle might be something to explore. I think you also need your DD to see that you are focused on protecting her and yourselves, as that was something I found hard when I was going through this as a teen. I was the older sibling, and felt quite let down when my parents minimised what was happening to us. It's an ongoing tension to be honest and I wish you all the very best in dealing with this.