Aggressive 16 year old son

[Tryingmybestbut]

Hello I'm hoping for some advice from someone who has been through similar or knows what to do.

My son was the sweetest little boy. He was the child who was awarded certificates at Primary school for being kind, thoughtful, polite, hardworking etc. I always worried about his self confidence but also proud (pride before a fall) that I was raising a seemingly kind soul.

To this day to the outside world he is this kind soul - looks after his friends and people within the extended family but at home things have been different for years.

It started at secondary school with shoving me. He's been 6 foot for 2 years. At its worst in January he pushed me over and was kicking me while I was on the ground. He has physically shoved my husband on numerous occasions (including pushing him down the stairs) when he has tried to intervene - the aggression always starts directed at me.

He hasn't pushed me or hit me for probably 3 months. He seemed to finally listen to my husband who said if he ever hit or pushed me again he would call the police.

Even though he is not pushing or hitting either my husband or I the aggression continues. It feels as though we are tiptoeing around him - he can be happy for several weeks and it's like we are trying to do anything to keep him there. We're never really relaxed. It feels like we don't know him anymore - if things are on his terms everything is OK.

Instead of the physical violence he now breaks things and uses aggressive body language (he's taller than both of us). In the past couple of months he has broken a blind, my husbands work mouse, his sister's lamp, our bedroom big light, living room door and dented the walls.

Then again tonight after an ok week of half term. He is at college only 3 days a week so agreed to find a part time job. We have helped him write a CV and helped him apply for McDonald's and tesco but this was 2 months ago. 2 more jobs have come up locally but he keeps putting off applying. Today his dad offered again to help him with the applications and the aggression started. He smashed up my bedside table and tore my work coat to shreds. I think the aggression is directed at me because I found the 2 jobs. He has said some appalling things to me again tonight (very misogynistic eg you're lucky dad married you when he did because if he saw you now no one would want you - you're fat, old, disgusting. You're lucky dad has a good job because you earn nothing - I work full time as a teacher but my husband earns 3x my salary) He has been getting in front of me towering over me aggressively not letting me get past while he says awful things.

How has it got to this? He hasn't learnt it from his dad - he wouldn't so much as raise his voice at me.

We find we're just trying to keep him calm in the middle of it all but then are we not just making it worse? Whenever we try to talk to him about it (days later) he won't discuss it.

I can hear him now in his room happily chatting to his friend (on the phone) like nothing has happened. I'm lying in bed unable to sleep.

My son was like this because I think of the bereavement he suffered (dad died). I didnt sit and say he was mentally I’ll, I sat him down and told him that in a few years if you show aggression on a night out, to a partner etc it is abuse and you will be arrested. You need to have the control and it doesn’t sound like you do. I can’t believe there is a father figure in the house and he has allowed your son to be hitting you. From today you set the boundaries. Who’s paying for all of this damaged stuff? As he should be even if you take it out of his spends. What’s the consequence of his actions. I’d also be insisting that he does refuel at exercise as whenever I sensed my son was going to flip I’d get him exercising and that would help massively.

I would look at the following …
weed
alcohol
pans/pandas (if this was sudden onset, was he recently ill with strep throat or similar.)
Also it could be that he’s really not coping with college, and he’s frustrated or furious about something.
Either way, seek help from professionals and call the police if he becomes physical again.

He is a bully and will most likely treat his wife/girlfriend the same.

I’d contact social services and look at what the options are. Let him know you’re seeking outside help with a view to him leaving your property.

Had a 16 yo son, he lived to be a good man with a good paying profession. My DS tried this "I am 6'3" bullying/intimidation thing, your son is clearly doing, on his 14 yo sister one night while I was in night school. He didn't like what she said to him and shoved her into the kitchen counter, hurting her; she was 5' tall he is 6'4", mind you. My DD called me crying, as I was headed home from class. She asked me what to do and I said call the police, NOW. Yes, I told her to call the police (on my own son); very hard decision, but I knew I HAD to send a message to DS that this would NOT be tolerated in our home. Where he got this stupid idea thought he could get away with this, it I have no clue. His father never laid a hand on me or anyone. So, low and behold I ended up pulling into the street when the police showed up. I had a word with the police before they went to the door of my home; (they were two very muscular and tall male police officers, very intimidating...) and I simply asked them to "Scare the hell out of DS. Pretend you are hauling him off to the cross bar hotel. I told them I won't have this behavior in my home...and I needed their help to fix this (new) problem". So the police knocked on my front door, I went around to the garage door and came in shortly after I heard the police inside talking gruffly to my son. The look on my son's face when they said they were considering taking him to jail for domestic violence was priceless!" After they took my son outside the front door for a serious intimidation session, nose to nose with him, they brought him back inside and said to me: "You have to give us permission to take him in...". I said, "Sure! He cannot behave this way, it is totally unacceptable for a man to behave this way!" My son nearly began begging me...and apologizing to his sister. So I pretended to give in, soften and told the officers, "Well, I think I can handle him from here, thank you so much for your help". Never had another angry outburst from DS after that. Maybe I was lucky, but I wish you luck OP; it is very very much the hardest thing in the world to raise children to be law abiding good grown ups.

Agree to all of your list, but please add "Getting to big for his own pants.." because sometimes boys think they can get away with throwing their weight around before their brain tells them there is always going to be someone bigger, stronger or smarter than you in this world?

My first thought was what's he watching on line? Andrew Tate, incel groups, etc. encourage this thinking.

Well sorry to say it sounds like you have been burying your heads in the sand for too long.

You brushed off signs of Neurodiversity and you’ve buried your head in the sand about his escalating violence.

He’s been pushing you and kicking you and verbally abusing you. I understand the reluctance to cal the police but this situation needed professional intervention a long time ago. Start with college SEN/safeguarding team and your GP. The next time he towers over you and shouts abuse I absolutely would call the police.

I don’t know if he has ASD, is doing drugs or is obsessively watching Andrew Tate or not but this needs a full blown professional intervention before he treks off into the big wide world and one days it’s a girlfriend or wife that’s laying on the floor being kicked and abused.

You need to call the police and get them to come out and give him a talk. He knows exactly what he is doing, and he is using this power to control the home. Tell him he will have to live elsewhere if this continues and mean it. Don’t keep pandering to this or you’ll end up with this behaviour for the rest of your life and any relationship he has will end up in domestic abuse.
Also - call the police with each incident now so it is logged

Sounds like he could be neurodivergent. My children are younger but this is how they behave when having a meltdown. They're not in control of themselves once they get in a meltdown but with us using techniques for handling ND kids, it's getting better. We have to pick our battles, give plenty of warning about changes and once in meltdown, hunker down and wait for it to blow over. Any broken stuff is taken out of their pocket money. If he is, getting him a diagnosis will help him to rationalise what is going on in his head and help him to manage his meltdowns.

So where do you suggest a 16 year old goes to stay? He's still a minor, his parents still have responsibility for him. If he's made homeless then the l/a will have to decide if he is a child in need,but ultimately there isn't sufficient provision for homeless 16 year olds.

Also ND children can mask at school and if they find primary school quite easy they can fly under the radar. Once they get to secondary the wheels can come off.

I have an aggressive teenager. It’s a completely different situation to yours (began age 10 when they started puberty and they had always had problems in school and they do have sn diagnoses.)

To let you know about contacting the police, I have called them several times in recent years and always found them to be helpful and to take the situation seriously. They will try to calm the situation rather than arrest an under 18 although they did threaten it. On one occasion my dc was arrested in public and the whole situation was horrendous. That was two years ago and they have not been arrested since. They did have a shock and never talk about it.

Looking back, I think I should probably have called the police more often and sooner during an incident as sometimes the assaults would last all day. The main reason I didn’t sometimes was because I didn’t want a police van outside my house and the embarrassment of it all.

Also I would say my dc is slightly better now they are older (18) but I can’t fully relax. Only last night they threatened to push me down the stairs. I do say, If you do I will call the police and they back off.

I would tackle the situation head on tbh op if I were you as he sounds like he is getting too big for his boots.

I read this last night but I can't stop thinking about it so here I am putting in my 2ps worth.
I don't know if it's fear or shame that's kept you quiet so far but you've been brave enough now OP to tell random strangers on the Internet what's happening in your home and that's a huge first step.
If it was your husband doing this the advice is easy and well known, but it's your child and I understand that makes it harder as you'll likely feel you are somehow to blame or the cause of this.
He clearly has some level of control as he had stopped physically harming you and turning to breaking things and verbally abusing you all the while still physically intimidating you.
I believe from what I've read that you can no longer deal with this yourselves behind closed doors and its time to bring in outside help. I'm not sure who to contact if I'm honest. Whatever you do it will trigger a safeguarding report as you have your DD in the house so maybe approaching social services yourself? If you would like anonymous advice first as I'm sure it must be scary to take these steps then contact womens aid, if they can't help then they should be able to signpost you to someone who can.
You've been brave and taken the first step posting here OP and I implore you for the sake of your whole family including your son to keep taking these brave steps and get outside help. It isn't going to stop, it isn't going to get better, you need to demonstrate to your DD this isn't ok, you need to help your DS stop this behaviour before he becomes an adult and tries this shit in a relationship, you and your DH deserve to live a peaceful life.
This can stop, this can get better, but you can no longer deal with this behind closed doors.
I wish you the strength you need to deal with this and will be thinking of you x

So you want a non violent man to assault his son? Seriously exactly how do you see that going?

They need professional help not thuggery.

Poor you, this sounds horrendous. What are you going to do? You have to do something. Allowing this to continue is not ok, for you, nor for him, ie your parenting of him. What are the options of where else he could stay?

@GildedRage
@Marblesbackagain

It wasn't a serious comment.

Another family member? Doesn’t matter- safety of sister is paramount.
But either way he needs a shock.

Agree with this and I didn't want to throw this out there with my first post but OP didn't answer my question as to how DH handles this. The first time one of our DS behaved like this would absolutely be their last. I sometimes don't like my DH's old school methods but sometimes think it's can be for the best as we teeter around this behaviour too much. DH would never use physical abuse just to be clear, but one moment of any verbal abuse towards me, as their mum, would result in severe punishment - absolute removal of everything they enjoy. Both my DH's adore their dad but they are also quite scared of him - and this is nothing to do with size as I know some of our friends have sons taller than them and the dads are the same. We are from European background and in that culture there is no forgiveness for children being disrespectful towards their parents. Some might not agree with the fear factor part and I get that. But sometimes it's the only way.

Have you considered the influence of his friends or colleagues? You mentioned he began losing interest academically in secondary school, and sometimes the people we surround ourselves with can strongly impact our motivation and priorities. It might be worth exploring if certain influences in his life have contributed to this shift. I’m really sorry you and your family are dealing with this, and I hope things improve for all of you very soon x

@fallenbranches I’m with you 100%! As a fellow European, I believe in firm, traditional boundaries in parenting. There should be no question that the parents are the ones steering the ship, not the children.

Your dh sounds abusive. It's not normal for a child to be scared of their parent.

Everyone in a family should treat each other with respect. Not fear.

It sounds a bit like adhd or similar - being the perfect child in primary ( possibly masking rather than genuinely empathising with everyone around him) - gets to secondary school and struggles with the surroundings, learning (memory issues), I’m no expert but I do have adhd and it is in the family. The violence could be melt downs but of course not ok by any stretch.

So treatment could be out there.
Could he home school/study or private tutor. Failing his exams makes his future look depressing.

i would contact everyone suggested in prev posts for advice and support -also try to start counselling.

@Laalaalaand you don't have any right to label him as abusive - he simply will not take shit from anyone, including his own kids. And it means my kids don't attack me or end up attacking or beating up anyone else at school as he's teaching them the consequences of abusive behaviour through severe consequences like removing things they enjoy (which would happen if they ended up arrested) then yeah...ok...he's abusive (rolls eyes)

It is a very serious matter and you think your comment was appropriate? 🤦‍♀️

Morning OP, just wanted to let you know (if you don't already) that there is a child to parent abuse support group called 'PEGS'

I am in a similar situation with my 11 year old. He's currently verbally abusive to me and physically abusive to his 9 year old sister. My husband has taken over dealing with him as everything gets directed at me.
My son does have an ADHD and ASD diagnosis and is on medication for them.
He isn't on drugs or alcohol - his anger and aggression seem to stem from anxiety, but this still isn't ok.
We are currently taking a no nonsense approach to the abuse, we call him out on it and I refuse to acknowledge him when he starts to verbally attack me. But I appreciate that my son is still smaller than me and isn't able to physically overpower me- YET.
I'm dreading the next few years when puberty hits and he gets bigger.