Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Parenting

For free parenting resources please check out the Early Years Alliance's Family Corner.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

2 year old isn’t mine

78 replies

AndBas · 20/10/2024 04:51

Looking for advice

long story short, been with my ex ten years, had 3 children and got married May 2024, found out she had been seeing someone since Christmas so we broke up.

i then have reason to believe our youngest aon aged 2 isn’t mine, do a dna test on all children and discover the 2 year old isn’t biologically mine.

obviously im absolutely heartbroken but it has not made me love him any less. However as soon as she found out hes not mine, she now wants me to stop seeing him as she keeps reminding me he’s not mine even though his biological father is nowhere to be seen.

i know as im on the birth certificate i have rights but im getting mixed advice.

what would you do in my situation?

hes 2 so if i put my feelings aside and did what she wants and not see him, in years to come he would forget all about me, would that really be best?

if I had my way I would continue my relationship with him and keep everything the same, is that me being selfish? I know she wouldn’t allow this anyway.

OP posts:

autienotnaughty · 20/10/2024 04:54

I would try to keep the bond you have but it will be her choice if he's not your child.

ChinaVase · 20/10/2024 04:56

that poor child. The best thing for the 2 year old is surely to continue a relationship with you, especially if you’re still going to be present in their siblings’ lives. Your ex sounds awful - doesn’t she care about his welfare at all? He will feel abandoned if you step away from only him.

HowDidYouGuess · 20/10/2024 04:57

Get legal advice - I believe you can still make a petition for visitation demonstrating it is in the best interest of the child who knows you as their father and on the basis that you are a significant relationship in their life. Where I live family court counsellors can provide advice - I wonder if there is something similar in the UK?

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Behaviour & development Families Relationship problems

HowDidYouGuess · 20/10/2024 04:59

Also....I'm sorry you're going through this. Monumentally shitty of your ex to put you and the child in this position. Disgusting really.

Edingril · 20/10/2024 04:59

Well when you see your other two and so things with then will she be fine with this, and I presume she will be willing to finance this child all by herself?

As the children grow it will become more obvious especially if she goes on to have more children

But I would hope what is best for the children happens

Original poster

AndBas · 20/10/2024 05:02

oh I must add, she also had the cheek after saying its best I don’t see him, to ask if i will pay maintenance. Its all about money and control for her.

OP posts:

Edingril · 20/10/2024 05:05

AndBas · 20/10/2024 05:02

oh I must add, she also had the cheek after saying its best I don’t see him, to ask if i will pay maintenance. Its all about money and control for her.

Well say no

Purplecatshopaholic · 20/10/2024 05:05

What a shame for the child. She doesn’t sound like she has his best interests at heart. Doubt you can do much though if you are not the bio dad and she doesn’t want you to have contact? Poor kid.
Obvs you don’t owe maintenance for him as you are not the father, and she’s a CF to suggest it..

Lemonadeand · 20/10/2024 05:11

I wonder if, when the dust has settled and you are having regular contact with the other two, she will realise how convenient it will be for her if you have all three together in terms of childcare. She’s majorly shooting herself in the foot otherwise.

It’s the other guy she needs to be pursuing for maintenance costs. Absolutely devastating for you.

Ponderingwindow · 20/10/2024 05:30

You need to decide if you want to be a parent to the 2yo. You can either go to court and ask to be removed as the father or confirm to your ex that this is your son and you won’t tolerate her interference. Whatever you do, don’t waffle. The child deserves a commitment one way or another. If You don’t sever contact now, then commit to be his father going forward now and for the rest of his life.

Journeyintomelody · 20/10/2024 05:31

You need legal advice. Just a reminder being on the birth certificate doesn't give you parental 'rights' but 'responsibilities'. Once it is established that you are not the father it is possible for your name to be removed from the birth certificate and you could be denied further contact. if she tries to pursue you for maintenance, you can use the DNA test results as proof that you are not the father and therefore would not be obliged to pay.

HOWEVER in your case it is clearly in the child's best interest to continue to have a relationship with you. A good solicitor may be able to help you navigate the legalities of this. I'd get advice as soon as you can.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

LiquoriceAllsorts2 · 20/10/2024 05:37

It’s in the best interest of the child to continue to be brought up as your child and treated the same as their siblings.
there isn’t another father on the scene for him and he will resent his siblings having a father and him not.

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/10/2024 05:44

I don’t think it’s in the best interest any of the children to sever contact regardless of parentage. I would have thought as you’re on the birth certificate right now, you have legal responsibilities for him but that is just me as a kay person.

You say you love him just as much as if he were your biological child. This love and care is what makes you his dad, the dad you’ve been to him for the past 2 years.

In your position, I would be fighting tooth and nail to keep contact with him. I would get a good solicitor on board and be arguing it is the best interest of your biological children as well as the boy, you love just as much as if he were your own. And for you, he is yours. The biological father by the sound of it is just a sperm donor.

Hopefully your stbexw will see this given time. Things sound tense right now.

Dibbydoos · 20/10/2024 06:24

Wow your ex is cold and taking zero responsibility too. What an AH.

Her 2yo child thinks you're his dad, you've been there since his birth and she wants you to bear the pain of not seeing him without thinking about her child? He will be badly affected if you don't continue to see him. You don't deserve this, either and I cant imagine how hurtful it is for you.

The fact youve said you love a child you've brought up and want to carry on seeing him even though he's not your biological child is testament to the type of person you are. Bless you. Please carry on seeing him if you can.

Sending you a hug this must be very difficult.

Candaceowens · 20/10/2024 06:26

I have no practical advice but just wanted to say sorry you're dealing with this. She is an absolute disgrace. She is ruining the life of that poor child when it's barely just started.

Ger1atricMillennial · 20/10/2024 06:28

OOF OP, that is a real kick in the guts.

Do you have a week were you can just have a couple of days to yourself with a trusted friend to just deal with the absolute shit storm of emotions you feel right now? I assume you don't know who the other father is?

Agree with others get legal advice. Even though it is cruel it is up to his mum as to what relationship you are permitted to have. With the greatest of compassion what happens to the child is not your responsibility. It is the actions of your ex that will cause that child (and their siblings) emotional distress, not you.

muddyford · 20/10/2024 06:32

As you were married to her when she gave birth, the 2 year old is legally yours, I think. You need legal advice though, as this may have changed with the advent of DNA tests.

Itsgottobeme · 20/10/2024 06:59

Do not let her control this by being a pushover and keep paying. What dhe uses to punish you will then only continue to something else.
She is one evil woman if she is going to let a 2 year old and upwards watch "his" dad take the other 2 out/away/gifted stuff. The others will stay with you, be given presents and have birthdays with you. But she will let him watch all this alone?
I think maybe if she calms down and starts feeling the pinch,seeing what's not coming her way in terms of money and time she might see differently.
It's up to you whether you let this happen. Or fight for him. But you know her, will fighting help at this point. Or will just letting her see the ramifications of this be easier.
But obviously this is an equally shit choice because ideally I'd say tell her no way he's your son!

Boobygravy · 20/10/2024 07:01

I would pay maintenance on condition you can see the dc as it’s in his best interests.
What your ex is suggesting is cruel and I suspect she’s doing it to punish you because you’ve called her out on her infidelity.
However she’s actually punishing the dc .

RevelryMum · 20/10/2024 07:22

That child is yours biology or not you raised him you love him you are in the birth certificate everyone involved needs to think of that child ! Get legal advise seek a custody arrangement for all children Involved youngest imo shouldn't be treated any differently and shame on the mother for for wanting to cut off access when the child has a father that loves them and wants to be part of their life

Zanatdy · 20/10/2024 07:25

Say no to maintenance if she’s not letting you see him. She will soon change her mind when she’s stuck with an upset child who can’t understand why his siblings are seeing daddy and he isn’t. She’s out of order

SoMauveMonty · 20/10/2024 07:37

See a solicitor and get solid legal advice.

Has she considered the impact on the 2yo when he is left out of contact time with you, if she insists you don't see him? It has the potential to drive a wedge between him and his siblings, and he'll be missing out on an important bond with the man he sees as his father. They're dealing with their parents separating i think it's important as much stays stable and familiar as possible for all the dcs (i'm speaking as a parent of 3 currently going through a divorce).

fwiw i don't think a blood link is the be all and end all when it comes to parenting - i remember Bob Geldof took on the daughter of his ex, Paula Yates, and her partner Michael Hutchence when they died - Bob & Paula had 3 daughters together and he felt it was important PY & MH DD stayed with her sisters, regardless of who her Dad was. Bit of a random thought there maybe, but it shows the value in putting the DCs first, something your ex really needs to think about.

Hillrunning · 20/10/2024 07:46

Horrible sad situation for you and the children. The 2 year old isn't going to forget all about you though? You will be in his life forever because (presumably) you will be in the other two children's lives forever. Have you decided between being the primary parent or sharing time 50/50 yet? That presumably will guide discussions.

MimiSunshine · 20/10/2024 08:12

until she goes to the effort of removing your parental rights / responsibilities then I’d tell her that you’ll be having contact as usual.
it will monumentally fuck up the 2 year old if you appear to abandon them now (and you know that’s how it will be presented).

Thomasina79 · 20/10/2024 08:19

He is yours because you love him, regardless of who was there at his conception.

he is also legally your child as you are named on the birth certificate

i think it is in both yours and the boys interests to see him regularly, particularly as you have built up a bond. Hope it all works out for you. He sounds as if he needs your love.

Flip

1 2 3 4