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Original poster

2 year old isn’t mine

78 replies

AndBas · 20/10/2024 04:51

Looking for advice

long story short, been with my ex ten years, had 3 children and got married May 2024, found out she had been seeing someone since Christmas so we broke up.

i then have reason to believe our youngest aon aged 2 isn’t mine, do a dna test on all children and discover the 2 year old isn’t biologically mine.

obviously im absolutely heartbroken but it has not made me love him any less. However as soon as she found out hes not mine, she now wants me to stop seeing him as she keeps reminding me he’s not mine even though his biological father is nowhere to be seen.

i know as im on the birth certificate i have rights but im getting mixed advice.

what would you do in my situation?

hes 2 so if i put my feelings aside and did what she wants and not see him, in years to come he would forget all about me, would that really be best?

if I had my way I would continue my relationship with him and keep everything the same, is that me being selfish? I know she wouldn’t allow this anyway.

OP posts:
ThePoshUns · 20/10/2024 08:23

What a cruel woman she is.
That poor little boy, she is punishing him and you for her own infidelity.
Agree seek legal advice but I would agree that you shouldn't pay maintenance if she won't allow you to see him.

Jeezitneverends · 20/10/2024 08:27

It’s a textbook example of a parent weaponising children to get at the other parent, and will only lead to all 3 children being monumentally fucked up for their whole lives!

I have no advice for you as have neither experience nor legal knowledge, but you sound like a decent person…you ex however…

betterangels · 20/10/2024 08:38

AndBas · 20/10/2024 05:02

oh I must add, she also had the cheek after saying its best I don’t see him, to ask if i will pay maintenance. Its all about money and control for her.

Well, obviously don't do that. And get proper legal advice.

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stardustbiscuits · 20/10/2024 08:45

@AndBas why not do that?! If he’s standing firm he wants to parent all 3 children then of course support them regardless.
I am guessing she may have had a reaction to discovering you undertook the DNA testing, possibly without her knowledge. That could be perceived as a sceptical move. I would be unwavering in your stance and trust that she will come round.

Imbusytodaysorry · 20/10/2024 08:58

AndBas · 20/10/2024 05:02

oh I must add, she also had the cheek after saying its best I don’t see him, to ask if i will pay maintenance. Its all about money and control for her.

Did you end it and she is going this to get back at you?
Tell her to put the child first and you will pay if you are seeing the child . How can she hold one child back when the other two are seeing you she is horrible.
Tell her she has a week to decide .

In that time decide if you are walking or fighting .
I am sure you can apply to see the child as he has known you as his father his biological isn’t around and is what the child’s knows so surely for the best .

Get a free half hour appointment with a solicitor and take it from there .

After your 1 week ultimatum! Stick your ground if it’s about control stand up to get abs do t let her get away with it anymore .

MichaelandKirk · 20/10/2024 09:03

What a disgusting thing for your ex to do.

Halfemptyhalfling · 20/10/2024 09:18

I would concentrate on giving the older two age appropriate attention, time and money for now rather than court etc because
A) she may use the time to do age appropriate times with him
B) she seems duplicitous so it's entirely possible she is still in touch with biological dad
C) as other posters have said, she may come round herself as she might want child free time (and if you don't rise to her)

Womblewife · 20/10/2024 09:21

Stop seeing him and stop the payments. It’s best for a clean break all round. Otherwise you’ll be dancing to her whims your whole life as you’ll never have any legal rights over this child.

Dawevi · 20/10/2024 09:27

I agree with all the replies here, but I do wonder why you did the DNA test and what you expected to happen if you got this result?

I don't understand why you did the test if you wanted to continue treating the youngest one as your child regardless of the test result.

prh47bridge · 20/10/2024 09:30

autienotnaughty · 20/10/2024 04:54

I would try to keep the bond you have but it will be her choice if he's not your child.

No, it is not her choice. Under the Children Act 1989, he is entitled to apply for a Child Arrangements Order as he has been married to the mother and the 2-year-old has been treated as a child of the family. If he were to do so, he would get an order giving him regular contact unless there is important information he hasn't told us.

what would you do in my situation?

I would keep seeing him, going to court if necessary to make that happen. You have an established relationship. You don't want him growing up thinking you didn't love him.

socialdilemmawhattodo · 20/10/2024 09:31

Ponderingwindow · 20/10/2024 05:30

You need to decide if you want to be a parent to the 2yo. You can either go to court and ask to be removed as the father or confirm to your ex that this is your son and you won’t tolerate her interference. Whatever you do, don’t waffle. The child deserves a commitment one way or another. If You don’t sever contact now, then commit to be his father going forward now and for the rest of his life.

This. Make a firm decision one way or the other, perhaps after legal advice, and then stick to it.

tsmainsqueeze · 20/10/2024 09:47

AndBas · 20/10/2024 05:02

oh I must add, she also had the cheek after saying its best I don’t see him, to ask if i will pay maintenance. Its all about money and control for her.

Poor child with a mother like this , this little soul needs you in their life , i sincerely hope things work out for you and your son.

YRGAM · 20/10/2024 09:56

Womblewife · 20/10/2024 09:21

Stop seeing him and stop the payments. It’s best for a clean break all round. Otherwise you’ll be dancing to her whims your whole life as you’ll never have any legal rights over this child.

It's that easy, right?

OP, as far as I know you have a legal right to contact, I'd inform the mother of this and try to appeal to her better nature (although it doesn't sound like she has one) that it will be best for all three children if they continue to be treated as family siblings

Victoriancat · 20/10/2024 10:03

Doesn't want you to see him but does want maintenance? Lol no, that's not how that works at all, she's being an absolute cow. If she wants maintenance she needs to allow access, especially if you're on the birth certificate.

RandomMess · 20/10/2024 10:08

The 2 year old is still a "child of the marriage" and contact needs to be agreed as part of the divorce.

I would keep contact along with the siblings once established you could choose to get removed from the birth certificate to relive you of parental responsibilities but continue on with a loving relationship and contact.

I think it's important that the 2 year old grows up knowing that they aren't biologically yours but you are their dad anyway.

MikeRafone · 20/10/2024 10:14

if you knew you loved the boy and wanted to be in his life - why did you do the DNA test?

Sadly I feel you have opened a pandoras box but considering the nature you are portraying of the ex, this box would have most probably been opened with far more devastating consequence for this child later on.

If there is the opportunity to pay maintenance, then there is surely an opportunity to keep the three children together for access visits? I don't mean pay to see the child but instead negotiate whats best for all three children, consistent visiting with all 3 children and maintenance for all of them as you are named not he birth certificate so it keeps life more simple

Daschund · 20/10/2024 10:22

As terribly as she has behaved, you opened this can of worms. What did you expect to happen?

Original poster
AndBas · 20/10/2024 10:26

Thanks for all your advice. I actually said I couldn’t swap weekends with her and that made her angry to the point she blurted out in front of the kids ‘get a dna test’ So thats why I opened the can of worms

OP posts:
Whyherewego · 20/10/2024 10:30

I have to say I'm going against the grain here but I think it's best to probably deal with thr fact that you're not his dad now rather than continue a father relationship with the little guy.
This ex has proven herself untrustworthy so even if she agrees to contact it will ne hard to enforce. PP have said you can fight and get access awarded.in court and so you could maintain contact but you may not win and even if you did the bio dad may come into the frame at some point and confuse matters even more if you are positioning yourself as his dad.

At 2 years old he does have a loving relationship with you but it's not a long period of time and he will move on in time and understand that his daddy is some other man not the same as the dad his siblings have. Yes it's going to be difficult now but it won't necessarily get easier. If she was a co-operative person then it would have absolutely doable but it sounds like endless hassle with her and you don't know what she will say to the poor lad either.
I'm sorry this is very upsetting

Choochoo21 · 20/10/2024 10:57

This is awful! I’m so sorry OP 💔

Unfortunately, she does have the right to stop you seeing him.

Although it’s heart breaking, I would stop reduce/stop with him.

The mum sounds awful and she could stop contact at any time.
It is much better that it is done now, than in another couple of years and hurt him even more.

Focus on your biological kids because you do have rights over these.
Hopefully she will let you have contact with the youngest but be careful that she doesn’t use him as a weapon.

Dawevi · 20/10/2024 11:44

AndBas · 20/10/2024 10:26

Thanks for all your advice. I actually said I couldn’t swap weekends with her and that made her angry to the point she blurted out in front of the kids ‘get a dna test’ So thats why I opened the can of worms

That doesn't really answer the question though. If the outcome doesn't matter to you then why do it? She didn't make you. You choose to. I'm wondering why.

Bluetrews25 · 20/10/2024 12:40

Looking at it from her point of view, she may have thought 'oh shit! It's not his DC therefore he won't have to pay maintenance! I need that cash and no hope of getting it from the real dad. How can I make him continue to pay? Oh, I know, threaten to stop access!'
She's really not very bright

autienotnaughty · 20/10/2024 14:29

@prh47bridge

Thank you I didn't realise he could do that.

Dontlletmedownbruce · 20/10/2024 14:47

No advice, I just wanted to say this is such a sad post and I'm so sorry you are going through this.

NewGreenDuck · 20/10/2024 15:20

I think you need legal advice. I would also make another point. If, in the future, he takes a DNA test, perhaps to check his ancestry, then he might well find out he's not your biological child. I think you, and his mother, need to think about what you are going to say about his biological father. There are many people today who have discovered that their parent(s) aren't who they think, and perhaps you need to start now, to prevent shocks in the future. I'm sorry you, and this child, are in this situation.