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Original poster

2 year old isn’t mine

78 replies

AndBas · 20/10/2024 04:51

Looking for advice

long story short, been with my ex ten years, had 3 children and got married May 2024, found out she had been seeing someone since Christmas so we broke up.

i then have reason to believe our youngest aon aged 2 isn’t mine, do a dna test on all children and discover the 2 year old isn’t biologically mine.

obviously im absolutely heartbroken but it has not made me love him any less. However as soon as she found out hes not mine, she now wants me to stop seeing him as she keeps reminding me he’s not mine even though his biological father is nowhere to be seen.

i know as im on the birth certificate i have rights but im getting mixed advice.

what would you do in my situation?

hes 2 so if i put my feelings aside and did what she wants and not see him, in years to come he would forget all about me, would that really be best?

if I had my way I would continue my relationship with him and keep everything the same, is that me being selfish? I know she wouldn’t allow this anyway.

OP posts:
MissRoseDurward · 20/10/2024 15:51

Stop seeing him and stop the payments. It’s best for a clean break all round.

it can't be a clean break, though, can it, because he will still be seeing the other two children, and youngest will know that as he grows up.

OP, listen to prh47. S/He knows what s/he is talking about.

BettyBardMacDonald · 20/10/2024 15:56

What a shitty person she is. Unbelievable.

Sharkattack1888 · 20/10/2024 16:43

AndBas · 20/10/2024 05:02

oh I must add, she also had the cheek after saying its best I don’t see him, to ask if i will pay maintenance. Its all about money and control for her.

Yes maintenance should be paid for the 2. And I would assume u are already paying it but not for the one that is not yours.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about these subjects:

2 year olds Behaviour & development Families Relationship problems
DavidBeckhamsrightfoot · 20/10/2024 16:45

You need to urgently go to court.
You are right, you currently have PR.
As you've acted as the father for the entirety of this child's life a court are very very likely to grant a CAO in your favour that includes him as well as your other 2.
But you have to act fast and be genuinely passionate as if you get lazy and just talk a big game instead of doing it you then can't complain.

Ozanj · 20/10/2024 16:47

You are on the birth certificate so you have parental rights. Take her to court

DustyAmuseAlien · 20/10/2024 16:51

Both you and your ex should be putting the needs of the children first. You grownups are supposed to both be sufficiently mature and unselfish for that.

Given that you love your 2yo it was very unreasonable for you to demand a DNA test. What did you want to achieve by this? Were you wanting a weapon in the blame game? You triggered this situation.

However all else being equal I think it Is indeed best to keep treating the 2yo as your own, which legally they are. It is not in the child's best interests to be treated differently to their older siblings. It would be psychologically damaging.

ComingBackHome · 20/10/2024 17:15

Ponderingwindow · 20/10/2024 05:30

You need to decide if you want to be a parent to the 2yo. You can either go to court and ask to be removed as the father or confirm to your ex that this is your son and you won’t tolerate her interference. Whatever you do, don’t waffle. The child deserves a commitment one way or another. If You don’t sever contact now, then commit to be his father going forward now and for the rest of his life.

I agree with that.
Once you’ve made the decision you also need legal advice before doing anything.

Oh and I’d stop telling your ex anything about the child and what your intentions are until you are ready to proceeed

ComingBackHome · 20/10/2024 17:17

@DustyAmuseAlien it was unreasonable for the OP to do a DNA test?are you for real?

That sort of attitude is exactly why some adults end up si messed up, learn very late on that their dad isn’t their dad etc… Its probably the worst advice ever.

Original poster
AndBas · 20/10/2024 18:04

DustyAmuseAlien · 20/10/2024 16:51

Both you and your ex should be putting the needs of the children first. You grownups are supposed to both be sufficiently mature and unselfish for that.

Given that you love your 2yo it was very unreasonable for you to demand a DNA test. What did you want to achieve by this? Were you wanting a weapon in the blame game? You triggered this situation.

However all else being equal I think it Is indeed best to keep treating the 2yo as your own, which legally they are. It is not in the child's best interests to be treated differently to their older siblings. It would be psychologically damaging.

Demand a DNA test? I was given reason to believe my child wasn’t mine, you think its reasonable to go my whole life not knowing?
not sure how im not being mature or unselfish, just trying to be a part of my little boys life.

OP posts:
MissRoseDurward · 20/10/2024 18:16

Demand a DNA test? I was given reason to believe my child wasn’t mine, you think its reasonable to go my whole life not knowing?

OP, once the possibility was out there, I think you needed to know, for your little boy's sake, so you can decide how you will handle it as he grows up. It would have been much worse to do nothing, and risk him possibly finding out for himself one day.

RedHelenB · 20/10/2024 18:30

AndBas · 20/10/2024 05:02

oh I must add, she also had the cheek after saying its best I don’t see him, to ask if i will pay maintenance. Its all about money and control for her.

In this case she can't gave her cake and eat it. If you see him as your dc and want to be involved in his life then that involves maintenance and spending time with him.

LurkingFromTheShadows · 20/10/2024 19:37

I have a 21 month old and he would be heartbroken if he suddenly didn't see his daddy anymore. To him, you are his dad. Your wife is a s cold hearted cow to use this against you.
Poor little boy

HaveYouSeenRain · 20/10/2024 19:40

You will still be in his siblings life, you can’t just walk away from him. For him, you are his dad and he will be forever traumatised if you stay in his siblings life but start to ignore him, don’t consider him your child anymore. Legally you are his dad, and presumably you also love your youngest. Please don’t walk away now

Homebird8 · 20/10/2024 22:50

DustyAmuseAlien · 20/10/2024 16:51

Both you and your ex should be putting the needs of the children first. You grownups are supposed to both be sufficiently mature and unselfish for that.

Given that you love your 2yo it was very unreasonable for you to demand a DNA test. What did you want to achieve by this? Were you wanting a weapon in the blame game? You triggered this situation.

However all else being equal I think it Is indeed best to keep treating the 2yo as your own, which legally they are. It is not in the child's best interests to be treated differently to their older siblings. It would be psychologically damaging.

@AndBas didn't trigger the situation. The mother's infidelity did that, and her using it in an argument.

OP, as many others have said, get yourself some legal advice as then you'll have some facts to base your decision making on.

All three children deserve putting first and you seem to be the parent thinking that way, if you are portraying the DCs mother's attitude correctly. A decision between you and your ex regarding your contact with the children will affect all three of them regardless of what that decision is.

Given that you love your littlest one regardless of DNA I would suggest you let that guide you. Do your older two understand what is happening in their family? Age appropriate conversations now will need fleshing out later as they grow up and they will need explanations and will eventually make their own judgements. Think about how they can be supported as they grow.

One more oft quoted MN statement. Children are not pay per view. You need to separate your legal responsibilities to help support each of these children from your relationships with them.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 21/10/2024 03:16

Shes being a bitch and not putting kids first. I wouldn't give up on my child OP, you're still his dad no matter what DNA says and it will hurt him to see you spending time with his siblings and not him. If there was no siblings maybe the situation would be different, but he's not going to forget you while you're seeing his siblings and all doing what his mum wants is going to do is harm him. I would do everything in my power to see him, including going to court. Then at least if the worst happens and he makes contact later he'd know you loved him and did everything in your power to be in his life.

Dawevi · 21/10/2024 07:43

AndBas · 20/10/2024 18:04

Demand a DNA test? I was given reason to believe my child wasn’t mine, you think its reasonable to go my whole life not knowing?
not sure how im not being mature or unselfish, just trying to be a part of my little boys life.

Show quote history

But if it wasn't going to make a difference to how you treated him, what difference does knowing make? Why did you want to know if it wasn't going to make any difference? Did you want to be able to hold it over your ex and use it in arguments?

Because I can't see any other reason. You're doing your best to paint your ex as a total bitch and lots of posters are falling for it, but I've asked you this three times now and you are ignoring my question, which makes me suspicious of your motives both in doing the test and in posting on Mumsnet about it.

Nolongera · 21/10/2024 08:47

Dawevi · 21/10/2024 07:43

But if it wasn't going to make a difference to how you treated him, what difference does knowing make? Why did you want to know if it wasn't going to make any difference? Did you want to be able to hold it over your ex and use it in arguments?

Because I can't see any other reason. You're doing your best to paint your ex as a total bitch and lots of posters are falling for it, but I've asked you this three times now and you are ignoring my question, which makes me suspicious of your motives both in doing the test and in posting on Mumsnet about it.

Show quote history

Because it's the most normal thing in the world to want to know wether that child is biologically yours.

Are you seriously suggesting that if you had a child you were caring for as a parent and you were informed there was a possibility that it wasn't your biological child, you wouldn't check?

Raindropskeepfallinonmyhead · 21/10/2024 08:54

God she sounds vile.
Poor child being used in her games.

Simonjt · 21/10/2024 08:57

Dawevi · 21/10/2024 07:43

But if it wasn't going to make a difference to how you treated him, what difference does knowing make? Why did you want to know if it wasn't going to make any difference? Did you want to be able to hold it over your ex and use it in arguments?

Because I can't see any other reason. You're doing your best to paint your ex as a total bitch and lots of posters are falling for it, but I've asked you this three times now and you are ignoring my question, which makes me suspicious of your motives both in doing the test and in posting on Mumsnet about it.

Show quote history

Its best for children to know who their biological parents are, most parents choose to do whats best for their children. Being a good parent means ensuring your children know who they are, not lying to them.

Dawevi · 21/10/2024 09:00

Nolongera · 21/10/2024 08:47

Because it's the most normal thing in the world to want to know wether that child is biologically yours.

Are you seriously suggesting that if you had a child you were caring for as a parent and you were informed there was a possibility that it wasn't your biological child, you wouldn't check?

Show quote history

Yes. Because if I'd decided it didn't matter, then it wouldn't matter. There's no logic to finding out and then being surprised that the knowledge has consequences.

ComingBackHome · 21/10/2024 09:06

Dawevi · 21/10/2024 09:00

Yes. Because if I'd decided it didn't matter, then it wouldn't matter. There's no logic to finding out and then being surprised that the knowledge has consequences.

Show quote history

Have you thought about the child?
It might not matter to you but I’m sure as hell that the child will see that as something important.
And they know even when no one has told them (even though seeing how the OP started to have doubts, I’m pretty sure there would be plenty of allusions to it anyway).
And tots always devastating to learn people have lied to you.
’oh I thought it was a possibility, always have known but decided it didn’t matter’ wouldn’t hold much weight when talking to a teenager discovering the fact.

Dawevi · 21/10/2024 09:13

ComingBackHome · 21/10/2024 09:06

Have you thought about the child?
It might not matter to you but I’m sure as hell that the child will see that as something important.
And they know even when no one has told them (even though seeing how the OP started to have doubts, I’m pretty sure there would be plenty of allusions to it anyway).
And tots always devastating to learn people have lied to you.
’oh I thought it was a possibility, always have known but decided it didn’t matter’ wouldn’t hold much weight when talking to a teenager discovering the fact.

Show quote history

The mum already knows though doesn't she so can tell the child.

The op is making a big song and dance about how it makes no difference to him but if it didn't make any difference to him then he shouldn't have had the DNA test because now that he has he has opened a whole can of worms which was inevitably going to be opened as soon as he decided to have the test.

And he hasn't explained why he decided to have it when he says it wouldn't make any difference to him either way.

Bullaun · 21/10/2024 09:15

How much time are the three children spending with you since the split — do you have 50/50 residency? It all sounds a bit confused — why would she have got married in May 2024 if she were in the middle of a new affair? Were you living together before the wedding? Is her affair partner not the father of the two-year old?

AutumnLeaves24 · 21/10/2024 09:19

Womblewife · 20/10/2024 09:21

Stop seeing him and stop the payments. It’s best for a clean break all round. Otherwise you’ll be dancing to her whims your whole life as you’ll never have any legal rights over this child.

@Womblewife

he can't have a clean break - he has the older children.

he'll be 'dancing to her whims' with the older two.

saraclara · 21/10/2024 09:22

Dawevi · 21/10/2024 07:43

But if it wasn't going to make a difference to how you treated him, what difference does knowing make? Why did you want to know if it wasn't going to make any difference? Did you want to be able to hold it over your ex and use it in arguments?

Because I can't see any other reason. You're doing your best to paint your ex as a total bitch and lots of posters are falling for it, but I've asked you this three times now and you are ignoring my question, which makes me suspicious of your motives both in doing the test and in posting on Mumsnet about it.

Show quote history

It was the ex who held it over him. She used the fact that she knew he wasn't the father (when he was unaware) in an argument.

After she'd actually told him, out of the blue and in anger, to do a DNA test, do you really think he could put that out of his mind?