How to cope with seeing less of my daughter?

[CloudySkiesAbove]

Hi all,

Some background. I'm a divorced dad with a 13yod and a 8yod. I'm happily in a relationship, as is my ex wife. We both have been for the last 6 years, our relationship with bio mum is generally fantastic all round with all parties.

So there has been some changes with my eldest when she turned a teenager. She had gone from being really involved in family activities, quality time together (when she is at ours), when she turned a teenager, she was in her room all the time, didn't really engage much, only to come down for tea or, if we were going on holidays. I understand this is a teenage thing. I'm good with that, as long as she is happy then so am I.

Recently she has started not coming over on the week days they are on my schedule. My youngest loves coming over at any opportunity. She still comes over on the scheduled weekends but again, stuck in her bedroom, no engagement with anything, but the time I've spent with her to check if she is OK she says she fine and is just doing what all teenagers do...

Recently she was meant to come over in the week as scheduled but had another engagement but promised she would come over the following week. She let me down and I was very sad about it, she basically just didnt turn up and didnt tell me until i called her. These instances are becoming more and more often. My gf suggested I have a chat with her just to confirm if she is ok and that we are sad we don't hear from her anymore, she doesn't respond well to texts, basic communication, unless something is in it for her, we don't hear or see her as much. We just want to know why she doesn't want to come round anymore.

Anyway, I had that much needed 121 with her and she was sad that I was sad because I barely see her anymore, and it turns out she just feels more at home at her mums house (which is around the corner). We try so hard to do things with her, exciting things, but she just isn't interested. She admitted she has a closer relationship with her mum which I totally get, they're both female, more common ground, I have no issue with that. But it hurts me when she comes around and just wants to stay in her room the whole time. She said she doesn't want to stop coming round, she just finds it awkward sitting downstairs with us, not knowing what to say, I've said we don't need to talk about anything, it's about being together and spending time with eachother. My girlfriend is really upset that she thinks the way things are now, she is so worried that as my daughter gets older, she feels the relationship with continue to fade and there won't be a relationship between us. They both get on so there is no issue between them. She's more concerned about me and my relationship with my daughter.

Has anyone gone through similar and how did you address or cope with it?

Thank you for reading.

I would also say that if you're trying to do 'family' things, there is a huge difference between an 8yo and a 13yo (even bigger in the eyes of a 13yo). It will be very difficult to find things that both your daughters will engage with.

@SemperIdem from a parent through it’s very destabilising and potentially quite manipulative to express that it’s making ‘dad sad’. It’s also never going to work. Lots of good advice on this thread- car journeys, asking for their advice/recommendations on real life stuff, not being needy, making your home welcoming in ways that actually appeal to teenagers eg food, lifts, friends welcome. Just a consistent, warm environment and accepting that she isn’t a little girl anymore and parenting needs to adapt. And that it’s not about you, and what you need, it’s about her.

Have you asked them how they want to approach time with you now? They will want to use the weekends to see friends more and gain their independence. Maybe they would prefer dinner one night a week or 1 weekend a month and odd days in the holidays. It sucks but even if you and mum were living together with the girls they would be off out doing their own thing as much as possible. Do they do any hobbies you could go and support? They will come back to you once they have spread their wings. Just keep the door open, check in with them and extend invites

Bio Mum” is really offensive in this context, it’s normally only used when a child has been adopted . Your daughter only has one Mum. Calling her the Bio Mum is disrespectful and insulting.

• apologies that is offended you.

Seconding car journeys- just offer lifts whenever you can, it’s a great time to chat or just be ignored.
i started really resenting going to spend time at my Dads as a teen. It felt like a formal visit to a relative, with chats and activities, rather than being at home and seeing friends. His wife was really unhelpful too as she made me feel guilty for seeing friends when I could be seeing my Dad.
shopping is good though. Usually for expensive trainers!

I think it would have offended a lot of women! How does your children's mum feel about you calling her their bio mum?

I do wonder sometimes what makes men come on mumsnet and then be so rude and snippy with the women who reply to them?

I think she’s retreating to find out who she is in this new phase of life and doesn’t want anyone following her into her lair! She knows you love her. Let her come and be herself in her room in your house. Eventually she’ll feel like coming out of her own accord.

There's some really lovely responses here, thank you everyone. You don't know how much (most of) you have helped. Sometimes it is better to type out what you're feeling, some of you have gotten the wrong end of the stick and others totally get it and have given me a better level of understanding, kindly and respectfully. What lovely people you are, thank you for reading and offering such lovely responses all of which have made me feel a whole lot better. 🫂

Thanks for the response. My GF and daughter(s) get on well with eachother, and quite often my gf encourages me to do 121 with my children and other times all 4 of us, she definitley doesn't stick her nose in. When we do things just the 3 of us, they often ask why gf hasn't joined us, which i think is sweet but also i take that as a positive.

I see what you're saying and I don't think you are being rude at all, I'm pretty sure a councellor would say the exact same things. Gosh my gf is extremely close to her mum, they talk about 10 times a day, she barely talks to her dad and thry are still together and she loves him no less than her mum, so sometimes I do think of that example.

I would say this is a teenage phase and not unique to divorce dad's!
My advce would to keep the lines of communication open, don't over think it and every now and then just tbe two of you go out for a pizza or something.
I also think they've got to go away to come back.( either emotionally or physically) Have a patience and as long as she knows you care and are therefor her it should work out.

Thank you for that.

It is, but we all compromise.

As hard as it is, she prob just needs some space. Being a teenage girl is hard. When I was that age I went through a phase of totally rejecting my dad (who I'm really close to and always have been) for no particular reason, just keep giving her opportunities to spend time with you and let her know the offer is there while not pressuring her and she will come through this phase I'm sure.

I used it on that one occasion in here. I have never used it before. You're the one being rude. Like I said, I apologise it offended you particularly.

Thank you.

You think it's rude for a woman to point out to you when you're using a term that's offensive to the mother of your child in a mainly female/mother based forum? You don't think you could have gracefully acknowledged the mistake with your language rather than being sarcastic to the poster who pointed it out?

I wasn't being rude to you, I'm still not. I think you're rude though.

You sound like a lovely dad!

I'm mum to for kids. One is a 13 year old and one is 12 and honestly, I barely see them. They're both boys, but they're either out with their friends, holed up in their room on tech or at some some sort of club or football training. I know it'd harder when you share time because that becomes even less, but it's honestly a normal part of teenager life. Family days out are few and far between now, and even when we do manage it, they're on their phones.

Keep doing what you're doing - don't put pressure on, make the most of those tiny pockets of time and im sure inna few years time, she will be back under your feet driving you mad

She probably wants to see a film which is suitable for her younger sibiling. I think you’re falling into the trap that some parents fall into, especially non resident parents and you haven’t realised how much she has grown up. You need to find or fake new common ground, a TV show or film series you watch together, a hobby, make sure you send her a light hearted message a couple of times a week. Teenagers are very self conscious they don’t want to be asked how they’re doing in school.

My daughter is 13 and spends majority of time in her room, I miss hanging out with her but I understand as I was the same as a teen! She keeps her door open and I pop in and out; it makes the times she chooses to spend with me even better. Agree with other posters, getting out and about with them is good opportunity, maybe just you and her?

She said she feels more at home at her mum’s. That probably is teenager for she has her own space there, has the freedom to come and go, and feels more comfortable having friends over there vs at yours. She probably also is less ‘tied’ to her sister at mum’s than yours as I presume the 8 yo has her own space and most her things there too. If you’re only around the corner then she’s probably also realised she doesn’t need to stay overnight at yours to see you.

DSD went through phases of being more or less attached to her parents - with DH things only improved after we married, as he never seemed to make an effort to get her interests or change his schedule for her needs. In her teens she felt more at home with me and would follow me around as I was the only one talking to her instead of at her & would always be there to offer a lift or take her friends somewhere. She regressed after DS was born and began to want bedtime stories and ‘tucking in’ at 16! Now she’s in her early 20s and is happy, normal, and close to both parents equally though she does prefer to live with / near us & has found a job & flat close to us with her DP.

That doesn’t mean she ignores mum. She still loved her. But they’ve both realised they work better from a distance. That might change when she has kids though.

I get you're feeling sad OP. I'm in a similar(ish) situation (but until a few months ago I was the RP for all my DDs). DDs' dad moved closer and having spent more than a decade with them seeing him EOW when their social lives permitted, the eldest two are now based with him.

Yes, I'm sad and a bit hurt, but I never show it to them. My happiness is not their responsibility. And I completely understand that they want to experience day to day life with him rather than a grand event every two weeks.

I regularly text them (not expecting a response) about celeb news, their hobbies, general checking in, updates from our house and suggesting things to do (eg we're taking DD3 for a bite at Pizza Express on Sunday, would be great if you could come too, can pick you up and drop you back).

Just keep the comms open and upbeat.

As others have said, some of the best conversations we've had are in the car taking them to/from places.

To coin a MN expression 'this too shall pass'.

So my mum and dad split when I was 6 and I spent a few nights a week with my dad . I think I was a bit older but when I got to about 14/15 I stopped staying over really as I wanted to see my friends etc. we started doing things together instead like going shopping , or to the cafe as I got older he would pick me up from work some evenings and we'd spend an hour or so together and then he'd drop me home. I think it's natural and it just seems harder as you and her mother arnt together you just get the short end of the stick a little . It didn't affect our relationship badly and we had a great relationship until he passed away last week . Just keep making the effort as much as it seems pointless right now she will come through and won't be a "selfish" teen forever . Teens are selfish and sometimes to spend time with them you have to spend money on them 😂 so a trip to her fave cafe or a father /daughter day out will do and then you still get that quality time!

This happens with the very great majority of teenagers. They don't want to spend time with their parents and they can just about cope with dealing with the parent in their main home. They don't want to be pushed to communicate with or spend time with other parent. The more you push, the more she will back off. If you really push she will stop coming all together.

You need to back off completely, let her come when she wants to come, and if that is only weekends then accept it. As others have sad, stop asking her questions and try to find transactions that will work, lifts to places, shopping together etc.

This will pass, but whether you will have a good relationship depends on whether you push too hard now. You are playing the long game and you need to remember that what you are hoping for is that she will come back to you at around about university age, rather than voting with her feet completely.

She loves you underneath. She knows that you love her.

She's just a grumpy awkward teenager who has outgrown going to and from her parents' homes and wants to spend most of her time in her main bedroom or with her friends. Accept that and you will have a much better relationship with her when she is an adult.

Sorry for your loss @verabarbleen.

It didn’t offend me … It is an offensive thing to say. I live with my DH who is my daughters’ dad, not in a blended family, so this isn’t an issue that affects me directly. But adding on “bio” as a descriptor for your dd’s mother suggests that you think your dd has an extra, non-bio Mum, when she clearly doesn’t , which may be a big part of the problem.