How to cope with seeing less of my daughter?

[CloudySkiesAbove]

Hi all,

Some background. I'm a divorced dad with a 13yod and a 8yod. I'm happily in a relationship, as is my ex wife. We both have been for the last 6 years, our relationship with bio mum is generally fantastic all round with all parties.

So there has been some changes with my eldest when she turned a teenager. She had gone from being really involved in family activities, quality time together (when she is at ours), when she turned a teenager, she was in her room all the time, didn't really engage much, only to come down for tea or, if we were going on holidays. I understand this is a teenage thing. I'm good with that, as long as she is happy then so am I.

Recently she has started not coming over on the week days they are on my schedule. My youngest loves coming over at any opportunity. She still comes over on the scheduled weekends but again, stuck in her bedroom, no engagement with anything, but the time I've spent with her to check if she is OK she says she fine and is just doing what all teenagers do...

Recently she was meant to come over in the week as scheduled but had another engagement but promised she would come over the following week. She let me down and I was very sad about it, she basically just didnt turn up and didnt tell me until i called her. These instances are becoming more and more often. My gf suggested I have a chat with her just to confirm if she is ok and that we are sad we don't hear from her anymore, she doesn't respond well to texts, basic communication, unless something is in it for her, we don't hear or see her as much. We just want to know why she doesn't want to come round anymore.

Anyway, I had that much needed 121 with her and she was sad that I was sad because I barely see her anymore, and it turns out she just feels more at home at her mums house (which is around the corner). We try so hard to do things with her, exciting things, but she just isn't interested. She admitted she has a closer relationship with her mum which I totally get, they're both female, more common ground, I have no issue with that. But it hurts me when she comes around and just wants to stay in her room the whole time. She said she doesn't want to stop coming round, she just finds it awkward sitting downstairs with us, not knowing what to say, I've said we don't need to talk about anything, it's about being together and spending time with eachother. My girlfriend is really upset that she thinks the way things are now, she is so worried that as my daughter gets older, she feels the relationship with continue to fade and there won't be a relationship between us. They both get on so there is no issue between them. She's more concerned about me and my relationship with my daughter.

Has anyone gone through similar and how did you address or cope with it?

Thank you for reading.

Yup, I agree with everyone else - you need to accept this is pretty normal and find ways to meet her where she is actually at. I also think your expectations are actually a bit high - I consider myself to be doing extraordinarily well if teen DS makes me a cup of tea when I ask. I am trying to raise considerate, kind children, but I don't think it's in their nature to ask how you are, or to be proactive about building relationships with their family at this age.

If she has a few friends and does see them while she's with her mum, why not when she's at you? has it previously been the case that because she spends liess time with you, it was more about family time and not about friends etc? If so, I'd definitely relax that. We get more from DS by letting his friends come over/do sleepovers and similarly by driving him around to his activities or by giving him lifts to friends than we ever do by just being in the house together.

Also, get a pet! DS often just wants to cuddle the dog or cat and if they're sitting on the couch with me, he's inevitably hanging with me whiel he does it! [this was mostly a facetious comment]

Thanks for your comment. Yes she has her friends here too, to sleep and for tea.. although not so much anymore as she is more at mums. We have a dog but the novelty wore off when she hit 13, she barely acknowledges the dog now, which i find confusing, because dogs are ace! 😅

my dad would always ask me if I wanted to go to the supermarket to buy snacks, pick up groceries etc. I’ve literally just realised why haha — it was a 20 min drive there, 20 mins in the shop, 20 mins back. So an hour spent together. I’m just realising he could have gone to the corner shops to buy the same things had he wanted !!! He passed away when I was early 20s and those supermarket visits are something I really remember from my teens

Because she's starting to look like an adult you are expecting her to emotionally act like an adult and she isn't

You need to schedule in the time you spend with her and get her invested with a transition activity when they get there to get the conversation flowing.

"Hi Sally, I'm really glad you are coming over tomorrow. We are going to do some baking tomorrow morning, is there anything specific you'd like / not like to make and I'll grab the ingredients? We are making X for dinner and will play Y new board game from 5pm, could you make us a couple of playlists on Spotify for baking and the game night please".

Get everyone in the kitchen baking, a game of Uno, low demand but fun.

Would they play on a switch? We have family game night, get a tub of celebrations and play Mario carts / Mario Party.

How about then meeting up away from home. Ifmum is ok?Just dad and daughter time? Whatever she likes to do. I've got boys and girls and although they might think they are too mature, when they got older they said they really valued on to one time. Obviously do the same with dd2.

I'm glad you took those supermarket rides with your dad ❤️

Yes I think this is a good idea and something I will instigate mid week for us both.

It is a natural developmental phase for teenagers to separate from their parents. She will come back to you eventually.

There is a risk that if you tell her you are sad she will do things out of guilt, which will not improve the overall relationship.

My advice would be to carve out some activity just for you and her and be very subtle and patient. My DS gets on much better with his dad than with me, just personality. Since he was small we have a regular monthly dinner out together. We also have smaller things, like I’ve consistently pretended to be really interested in his gaming.

This is what having a 13yo girl is often like for their parents, whether or not they live apart.

DD basically disappeared from my life for 2 years at around 13, 14, despite the fact that we lived in the same house!

Teenagers are desperately trying to find their independence, and part of that means pushing their parents away. The only thing you can do is just make yourself available as much as possible for the rare occasions she does want company. And try your best to find some common ground. I watched some god awful TV shows just so I had something we could talk about. And don't be afraid of silence. Some of the best chats I had with DD were just out for a walk when we'd both been silent for 20 minutes or so and she'd suddenly find her voice.

DD has come out of the other side of it now, and we have a great relationship. Her and her grandfather on the other hand have a crap relationship, because he refused to see that this was something she was going through, and made it very clear he was upset and offended by her behaviour. She now knows she can't be herself around him, so their relationship is very uncomfortable.

“Bio Mum” is really offensive in this context, it’s normally only used when a child has been adopted . Your daughter only has one Mum. Calling her the Bio Mum is disrespectful and insulting.
Apart from that I agree with pps that some of this is normal teenage girl stuff that is slightly exaggerated because of the separation. Eg my dds are close their Dad but would probably come to me with anything sensitive. It does come across as though you are over keen for your girlfriend to have a role though, and I wonder if your daughter can sense that and doesn’t like it. Eg Your dd might get on with your girlfriend , and your girlfriend might be very nice and making an effort, but that doesn’t mean she will feel like family to your dd.

My dd has always really struggled to get on with her dad (( and vice versa )) I've always found theme parks really good for a bit of bonding. Lots of walking round together and they go on the rides together which they both enjoy. Scarefest is on in loads of places at the mo, so late night opening and scare mazes / events.

Even if she doesn't like rides which ds and I don't we always have an amazing time.

Do you only have her every other weekend and 1 weekday (that she tries to avoid)? so about 4-8 days a month? If so, there is no wonder she feels like her home is with her mum and that she is just a visitor at yours. When they are little that is usually not a problem but it definitely can be when they get older. It also doesn't help that you talk about it in we-terms. You are her parent, your spouse isn't, if you want to make her feel important you have to make it about you and your daughter.

I agree with others who say that if you lived with her you'd realise how little teenagers of that age actually want to spend time with their parents. I would ease right off. Tell her when she comes over she doesn't have to come and hang out with you if she doesn't want to. Some non negotiables may be that she comes to the table for meals and stays until everyone is finished but otherwise let her be. My DS is 16 and since he was 13 it's been absolutely minimal engagement with me (and we actually have a great relationship!) but he would almost always rather be online chatting to his friends or out with them. You're going to push her away if you keep trying to get her to spend time with you that she doesn't want to do.

😆 baking, board games and spotify playlists!! This is trying WAYYY too hard. She will run in the opposite direction.

She's a teenage girl and just wants her mum and her home - I don't think her behaviour is that unexpected - maybe her mum doesn't put expectations on her to feel less "sad" or come down to socialise. At home she can just be who she wants to be.
Offer to take her out for a meal or an activity - no pressure to stay over night at yours etc.
maybe she just wants to be home in her own bed with her things around her

A few thoughts, some of which could be entirely wrong…

Op you sound like a very involved, loving father. But I think you, and especially your girlfriend, need to step back a bit and not take this so personally.

Your dd is going through totally normal teenage development. Teens want more control and freedom over their lives but do not have the capabilities or finances to live independently, so cutting themselves off in their bedrooms is a good half way house. They are establishing a boundary.

So in a sense it’s really good that she wants to spend less time with you. Please don’t make her feel guilty for this by saying you are sad. It’s a good sign honestly! She’s cocooning! 😃. In a few years time the butterfly will emerge! But she has to withdraw and pupate awkwardly first.

I think my girlfriend is taking it harder than I am as she's worried there won't be a relationship between me and my daughter due to the lack of engagement from my daughter currently. But hopefully that won't happen

Respectfully, as a mother of young adults, having been through the teen years, I would say your gf is wrong and almost the reverse is true. If you keep pushing and don’t allow your dd the freedom she wants, or you make her feel guilty for feeling that way, she will resent you for it and then the relationship could become strained. In order for her to come back to you in her late teens and early twenties, you need to let go of the reins a little.

Of course keep the lines of communication open and keep telling her how much you love her, and that she can call on you at any hour of the day or night, but also tell her that you are proud of the person she is becoming and that you respect her independence. The pp is spot on about being available for lifts at strange hours. Make sure you have bowls of tasty food in your fridge too “by chance”. And arrange an occasional outing that is slightly above her current level of sophistication, like a very posh seafood restaurant or similar. Or a surprise flight somewhere.

Secondly, I don’t wish to sound rude, but do you ever see your dd one-to-one without your gf there, and does your dd like your gf?

If, for example, she didn’t get on with your gf, is there room within your relationship for her to express that?

I may be totally off track here, and if so I apologise, but the reason I ask is that if a child has been scarred by divorce in any way, everything can appear to be fine until the teen years begin, and then some families discover that it wasn’t as fine as the adults thought after all. That’s not always the case though by any means.

Also, you seen surprised that your dd would prefer staying at her mums. But to me it seems obvious that she won’t be as comfortable in the house inhabited by your gf. I know in your eyes you are both very welcoming. But in your dd’s eyes, she may think of your gf as a barrier that stands between you and her.

Or she just may not feel totally at ease in “another woman’s” home. Forgive me please if that sounds harsh but teens can be quite insular and selfish in their world view at times. And this is only a theory anyway which could be entirely wrong.

Good luck 💐

I think you're doing all the right things and your GF has your DD's best interests at heart - but this is a lot down to her being 13. It's a normal phase to withdraw from parents and be more interested in friends and peers (hence nose in phone) but it does pass.
Keep being friendly and available, try not to be too needy. Don't try to be cool and I pretty much guarantee in a couple of years she will come out the other side.

Yours might do, my teen loves a plan and would want to know what the days plan is and is more than happy to put her phone down if she has an alternative activity to do.

She likes making playlists and sharing her music with me.

Baking = some sort of sweet treats which is a winner for most teens.

Board game there are loads out there now beyond Cluedo, Monopoly or Scrabble and the pull but if they don't work for you then replace with what ever family activity does work.

Yours might but OP's daughter doesn't. Making an itinerary like this isn't likely to engage her, but make her feel more awkward and under pressure.

Have you tried reversing the power system to see if that works?

”I need to buy a new laptop on Saturday. Will you come with me, I could use some advice?”

”Im thinking of trying x restaurant this week, might use it for our works Xmas do. I’d value your opinion if you’re not busy one night this week’

Think of buying dd2 some concert tickets for Xmas. Do you think she’d like a or b better?”

I agree, its too try hard.
My DC would never have gone for all that.

If your teenager is acting this way then you are doing something right. She obviously feels secure enough with you that she doesn't think she needs to reply to texts because you will always be there.

When she is at yours could try

Movie nights with snacks and things to eat
Her own space in the kitchen for food and drinks so she has to come down to get them and perhaps then you get a 39second chat
Cooking together
Shopping trip
Game like "kids against maturity"
Karaoke for a laugh - talent night but doing something stupid not serious

My DH used to ( & still does) have breakfast with his boys ( now grown men with wives & kids ) in a weatherspoons on a Sunday

started when they were around 14 15 when they didn’t want to lose a weekend with friends & social life

They are now 33 & 30😂

it gave them 1-2-1 time with their dad
made them feel grown up in a pub setting
he still sees them now sometimes both together sometime 1-2-1. but it’s a casual cheap way of staying in touch with each other twice a month

rarely takes longer than an hour or so but they actually ring him to meet up so they clearly like doing it

Occasionally their partners and I will tag along but generally it’s just the 3 of them catching up for a hour or so which they all seem to enjoy doing

I disagree with this. She is not a small child, it is not unreasonable to explain her actions have consequences.

Much of it is completely normal teenage behaviour as they try to strike out more independently, however it is fine to remind them that other people have feelings too.