How to cope with seeing less of my daughter?

[CloudySkiesAbove]

Hi all,

Some background. I'm a divorced dad with a 13yod and a 8yod. I'm happily in a relationship, as is my ex wife. We both have been for the last 6 years, our relationship with bio mum is generally fantastic all round with all parties.

So there has been some changes with my eldest when she turned a teenager. She had gone from being really involved in family activities, quality time together (when she is at ours), when she turned a teenager, she was in her room all the time, didn't really engage much, only to come down for tea or, if we were going on holidays. I understand this is a teenage thing. I'm good with that, as long as she is happy then so am I.

Recently she has started not coming over on the week days they are on my schedule. My youngest loves coming over at any opportunity. She still comes over on the scheduled weekends but again, stuck in her bedroom, no engagement with anything, but the time I've spent with her to check if she is OK she says she fine and is just doing what all teenagers do...

Recently she was meant to come over in the week as scheduled but had another engagement but promised she would come over the following week. She let me down and I was very sad about it, she basically just didnt turn up and didnt tell me until i called her. These instances are becoming more and more often. My gf suggested I have a chat with her just to confirm if she is ok and that we are sad we don't hear from her anymore, she doesn't respond well to texts, basic communication, unless something is in it for her, we don't hear or see her as much. We just want to know why she doesn't want to come round anymore.

Anyway, I had that much needed 121 with her and she was sad that I was sad because I barely see her anymore, and it turns out she just feels more at home at her mums house (which is around the corner). We try so hard to do things with her, exciting things, but she just isn't interested. She admitted she has a closer relationship with her mum which I totally get, they're both female, more common ground, I have no issue with that. But it hurts me when she comes around and just wants to stay in her room the whole time. She said she doesn't want to stop coming round, she just finds it awkward sitting downstairs with us, not knowing what to say, I've said we don't need to talk about anything, it's about being together and spending time with eachother. My girlfriend is really upset that she thinks the way things are now, she is so worried that as my daughter gets older, she feels the relationship with continue to fade and there won't be a relationship between us. They both get on so there is no issue between them. She's more concerned about me and my relationship with my daughter.

Has anyone gone through similar and how did you address or cope with it?

Thank you for reading.

I have two teenagers and they do spend a lot of time in their rooms. They just don’t want to hang out with us anymore. I do find the best way to spend time with them is to get out of the house. A trip to Starbucks or to try out a new cafe in town or whatever. It’s pricey because I d prefer to make my coffee at home but worth it just for the next few years.

I think telling her your sad is possibly making her feel responsible for your emotions which she is not.
The priority was getting to the bottom of why she doesn't want to come over.
Do you ever take her out just 1:1? Perhaps she's missing that time too.
In any case, she's getting older now and her contact arrangements probably need a bit more fluidity as opposed to being prescribed

I think it is just how teenagers are.
They also have more pressure on their time - homework and exam pressure start mounting. This gets harder especially if they have other after school activities.
Their social lives begin to pick up with greater independence. In any family, teens find it more acceptable to sit scrolling their phones in silence in their mates rooms rather than with their families!

You sound like a great dad, and I think it is true that this is well known phase of life. Just harder as she has two homes, so rather than seeing her 20% of the time, with the rest spent in her room ot with her friends, it is half that.

I was thinking about how I spent time with my son, who is similar. It is mostly kow following around after his interests -- watching him do his hobby, driving him to it or to see friends. We all like theatre/comedy so make the effort to do that or a movie night with takeaway so it feels more special.

We did also re do his room, with a more teenage vibe...I wonder if that could be a joint project for you both over a few weeks, so that she feels she has input into it and can feel more at home?

Some combination of the above?

I also think I would keep in mind there may be a time when she comes to you more, maybe thinking about GCSE choices, A level choices, doing her ùcas application etc I would keep in mind these various stages (presumably GCSE choices coming up?) so you can proactively ask about them, and also keeping in mind anything she tells you about friends, school, life etc so you can have things to ask her about in place of those awkward silences.

Good luck! I think the most important thing is she will know you are there, and you care and you keep trying.

I think this is common in teens! Don't come across needy, they smell it a mile off 😂

As PP said, Starbucks runs etc are your friend. Things might get a little bit transactional, if so try and make the most of it. For example, DD says she needs money for new headphones, instead of ordering them online/forking over cash, suggest a trip to the Apple Store or wherever to buy them. As much as possible, give last minute lifts or host friends. Again, if money isn't an issue try and bring DD into the planning/shopping. Lots of teens like to shop, even if it's just for snacks when their friends come over! And naturally it gives you quality time together, even in drips and drabs.

Lean into her interests. Find out what movies she likes, and keep an eye on new cinema releases so you can suggest taking her/friends to things she might enjoy. Find exhibits at museums/Ninja Warrior type places - whatever is her 'thing'. Enlist your GFs help for things like new makeup store or clothing store openings, and see if your DD might like a lift. Some of it will probably be effort and doing things you wouldn't choose to do, but IMO it's worth it for the quality time!

Some brilliant suggestions above, which I am going to borrow myself!

You’re being over sensitive. She’s just being a teenager. Let her be. She knows you’re there if she needs you. You can’t force her to want to spend time with you.

I agree with the others - is she into music, could you take her to gigs (the music she likes, or ideally find something you both like!). Really, whatever she's interested in, lean into that.

Thanks Alexander, we all try our best to be a good parent 👏

We do alot of things on a weekend as I need to keep my youngest entertained so trips to the cinema if something is on that they like we do. She's recently had a new bedroom which we all took part in doing. I try to talk to her about school and gage her hobbies and interests but during our 121, she basically told me she doesn't like talking about school or what she's up to, I also said about taking her to a gig just the 2 of us, and she told me she would rather work... but changed her mind when I said I'm trying to get us both to do something together.

I'll always be there for her, I just need to make sure she is happy I guess.

I am not trying to force anything and certainly not being over sensitive.

I've been trying for months, she's just not interested. Even turned her nose up at a gig just the 2 of us. She attends gigs with her mum and sister so I know she is interested.

If it makes you feel better OP, I'm not separated so live full time with my teen and I could count on one hand the amount of conversations we have in a month. The only opportunity to talk is when we are driving somewhere and even then he is on the phone and not engaging much. Going places together is nearly worse and causes strain but occasionally a meal out or even a coffee works for a while. It is a rejection but its normal too. I was upset for a while but now i enjoy doing what I want and ignoring him back, until he needs me.

Edited to add, he has no such issues with his Dad and they go lots of places together as they have a common interest.

My DD's did this. Their friends become more important than family. Which is fine if your house feels like home as she could relax and do her stuff and you would see her when she emerged for snacks etc. but for some reason she doesn't see your house as home.

Firstly what is she doing when she's not seeing you? Is she literally see friends or just hanging in her bedroom at her mums?

Secondly can she invite friends to yours? Can you offer to pick her up from a friends houses?

Thirdly can you find some common ground a hobbie you can do together?

Try not to resent her, let her know your doors open and you don't resent her. Message her and checking with her if you don't see her. Show an interest in her and her life.

It could be as simple as she's tired of all the back n forth

Thank you. I definitley think it's different for a mum>daughter / dad>daughter due to common interests. I think my girlfriend is taking it harder than I am as she's worried there won't be a relationship between me and my daughter due to the lack of engagement from my daughter currently. But hopefully that won't happen.

Make sure your DD doesn't know your GF has an opinion on it, I imagine that wouldn't help the situation at all

Hi. So she does pretty much the same at her mums, stay in her bedroom, has friends over.. or so I'm told. Her mum does have a full diary all the time so they are always doing something, going to gigs, away with friends, holidays, weekends away. She only has 1 or 2 friends but mostly mid week she is at home, works on a Saturday and may see her friend and the friends house or at hers. She does have her friend over here, she used to come for tea on a week night but hasn't for a while as my daughter has stopped coming on week nights now.

I really appreciate your suggestions but we've tried them all. She either engages but has her nose in her phone the whole time or, can't wait for it to end so she can go back up to her room. When she decided she was only stopping for tea during the week and not staying over, she'd come home from school, go to her room, come out for tea and asked to be dropped back home.

We do the text thing all the time, but all we get back are simple one word answers if she remembers to even text us back.

You could be right, maybe she is tired of the back and forth, but she never asks how we are, what we have been up to, we get nothing back from her. Maybe we just need to ride this one out, see how we go, but our door is always open.

There are some things that become more obvious because a teenager’s parents are divorced. If you still lived in the same home as her mother, she would still have hit an age where she wasn’t as keen to spend time with her father and her little sister. It’s not about you.

We do the text thing all the time, but all we get back are simple one word answers if she remembers to even text us back.

Also, the ‘we’ won’t help. Try some of the great suggestions above with just you and her.

she never asks how we are, what we have been up to, we get nothing back from her.

She’s 13. If you want a polite teenager try one of her friends - teens are much more likely to be polite and civil to strangers!

I'm not saying it's about me
I'm just trying to understand.

Cheers.

This is actually true. I understand it better now someone else has said it.

I think your girlfriend is risking making the situation worse, even if her worry is coming from a good place. Just keep doing what you’re doing, don’t ever pull back, and things will get better. Teenagers are tricky, but they come out the other side.

I do.

She sounds like a normal teenager to me. Those teenage years are heartbreaking. They pull away (all part of growing up)

Try doing more adult activities with her? Cinema, going to a restaurant.

She's good, it definitley is coming from a good place. Thank you, though, I appreciate your comments.