Struggling to control my 3 year old

[Lockdownbaby2021]

Hello all.

So I’ve posted before but didn’t get many replies. Basically, the last 2-3 months my 3 year old has gradually become really difficult to handle.

even from being born he’s always been hard work, but felt like we turned a corner after his little brother was born this year. The first few months were amazing but gradually his behaviour has changed.

when he’s good, he’s great! So so caring, tells me he loves me, gives me random kisses, very smart and can have a great conversation. However I feel like he’s really regressed. Examples below.

• Punching me (with fists) even on my head
• throwing some big toys at me and his baby brother
• pretending to spit at me.
• pulling my hair out
• kicking me
• cslling me a dirty old boy (!?)
• started wetting himself on purpose even though potty trained and now asking for nappies
• Stealing his brothers dummies and having the biggest meltdown ever when I take them off him (again weaned off these no problem in April… 4 months after his brother was born so don’t know why it’s an issue all of a sudden)
• developed a stutter
• he’s not conversing as much.
• the other day in Aldi he grabbed a toy a nd sat on the floor and started to open it and ran off when i tried to take it off him
• he’s started just looking straight through us, there’s no getting through to him when he’s acting up
• today he chucked a fruit shoot down my head in public I dragged him away (kicking and screaming) from a tractor ride which he’d been hogging for 30 minutes. I burst into tears.

I’ve tried all the gentle parenting techniques and even firm ones. I’ve read the ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’ there’s only so much I can remember from the book in the heat of the moment I can never remember what to say.

even when the baby is down for a nap, I really make the effort to play with him 1-1 and have us time. But he ruins it by just throwing his toys around, not listening, e.g we will be in the middle of a jigsaw and he will just break it all up and stomp on it.

he attends nursery 2x days a week and with his grandma 1x day a week. They have no issues with him and always praise him.
im really worried his little brother (who is just so calm, smiley, etc) is going o eventually pickup on his bad behaviour and also act like this 😭

unsure on the point in this post, guess I’m looking for other mums to say that 3 really is this hard!

Boundries instead of gentle parenting.

How do you punish him or control him when he's broken a rule like thrown something at you?

Boundaries and appropriate punishment.

Firstly, punishment is inappropriate. Consequences and boundaries yes, but punishment is just going to drive more fury.

@Lockdownbaby2021 what you're describing sounds like a lot of anger and frustration.

Does he go to nursery? If so what do they say?

Have you spoken to a GP? I would want to rule out underlying health issues.

I do wonder about regression and jealousy after the baby arrived. For example - the dummy issue.

How much attention does he get whilst the baby is awake? What's your routine? How did the baby change your routine?

Have you talked to him when he's angry, what does he say? What would you do if he breaks up a jigsaw for example?

Yes 3 is bloody hard and add in a new sibling and it'd push anyone to despair.

My toddler has regressed after baby. Also hits and throws as well as having more accidents than before despite being trained for 8 months before baby arrived.

Also now runs away all the time and no recall will get her back.

I have had a breakdown with it this week after she ran into a busy carpark and even my most terrifying STOP did not stop her and everytime I went towards her she darted towards another car.

We realised something had to change and have decided on the following:

Cutting out unhealthy treats. We have let this slip since baby came as we're using them as rewards or to get her to do what we wanted. It doesn't work. It's stopped.

Positive reinforcement and stickers. Never underestimate the power of a sticker. We had got into such a negative cycle of being cross and her being cross that we've pressed reset and are approaching from a more empathetic place.

The buggy is back and she will be strapped in if she tried to run away.

If she hits, I get down on her level and I tell her everything us OK. I remind her we don't hit and ask is there anything she needs and then just distract distract distract. This seems to resolve things pretty quickly.

It has been coming up to a week and already things are so much better.

She's 3 there will be more tantrums, more vollence, more complete carnage but I feel better having a plan in place.

It sounds like an emotional regulation issue. When he gets angry he loses control. Teach him words to describe his feelings, model this by saying I'm feeling angry / frustrated etc. Separate behaviour from feeling. It's ok to feel angry but not ok to behave a particular way. Maybe demonstrate something he can do to cope with anger, a pillow he can shout into at home, deep breathing, stamping his foot and squeezing his fists, or draw his hand print on a wall so he can put his hands here and push with all his might. Use phrases like pushing anger away, squeezing out the anger, blowing away my anger. If he understands and starts to feel upset you'll reach a point where he will say I'm angry now so I'm going away to calm down and will manage it all alone. Until then you may need to see the rise in him and say you are starting to feel angry, time to push it away etc.

If he hits you don't shout just do something immediate and harsh. Like remove a toy, put him on a time out or strap him in the buggy, whatever it is. Sometimes not letting him sit or stand near you will be punishment enough. Say 'I don't like standing beside someone who hit me, you have to stay over there'. Whatever you do make it bad enough that he hates it but very brief. Don't wait till you get home or withhold affection for hours.

It's very hard. 3 can be the toughest age for some kids so just have faith it's a phase and with the right management it will pass soon.

Hi all.

so he does attend nursery and they don’t say anything negative or have any concerns.

I have tried discipline. The naughty step doesn’t work so I sit him on my lap on the step and hold his hands and say ‘ we do not hit in this house, we do kind hands’ and tell him the consequences of hitting and how it hurts but then continues to hit me. Sometimes on a bad day if I shout back (bad mum I know) later on I always say, ‘mummy’s sorry she raised her voice, I was just feeling really angry because you hit me.’ But again I may as well talk to a brick wall!

it’s only started the last couple of months.

i am thinking of taking him to the GP too.

so I try spend at least 30 mins 1-1 time through the day while baby sleeps, of course also taking him out somewhere too with the baby like soft play, park, walks etc
. then both me and his dad sit in bed on a night and read books with him together after we have put the baby to bed.

his diets not great but not too bad either. That’s another thing he’s started being so fussy with food. I’ve stopped buying ice lolly’s because he was starting to help himself to them from the freezer which would cause a meltdown if I took them off him so I stopped buying them and it’s worked.

a typical day would be

breakfast- cereal, (never sugared ones)
snack- brioche roll, innocent smoothie, orange, crisps, yogurt etc etc
lunch- pasta, flavoured rice, avocado / eggs on toast
tea- either our leftovers from tea the night before
pudding - biscuit, ice cream etc.

It’s just so strange how’s he just not conversing as well as he did before, he’s just like in his own world and just running around everywhere. He’s always been energetic but would always follow instructions.

Give up on gentle parenting if it's not working. Start a star chart, has to earn rewards for good behaviour. But also some consequences so no toy, trip or other thing they like when naughty. Try not to get too upset, most kids will do this.

I have tried discipline. The naughty step doesn’t work so I sit him on my lap on the step and hold his hands and say ‘ we do not hit in this house, we do kind hands’ and tell him the consequences of hitting and how it hurts but then continues to hit me. Sometimes on a bad day if I shout back (bad mum I know) later on I always say, ‘mummy’s sorry she raised her voice, I was just feeling really angry because you hit me.’

What stands out to me here is you use emotional language to explain your own bad behaviour, but don't use emotional language to discuss his bad behaviour.

You explain you feel angry and this makes you shout. Then you apologise with no naughty step for you.

You don't discuss the emotions causing him to behave badly, he doesn't have chance to apologise and he gets the naughty step.

Have you asked him what's making him angry?

Think @Dontlletmedownbruce has some good ideas to consider.

It’s just so strange how’s he just not conversing as well as he did before, he’s just like in his own world and just running around everywhere. He’s always been energetic but would always follow instructions. His world has been turned upside down by the baby. Some kids do regress and react quite strongly.

so he does attend nursery and they don’t say anything negative or have any concerns. This is important.

The joys of nurseries, they see others behaving badly and copy.
U need to set strong boundaries and stick to them, as u’ll have 2 like it if u don’t.

I haven't read all the replies but I've just read the 123 magic book. I've implemented it and it's amazing. Genuinely a bit life changing. There's some tik tok videos about it which is what got me into it. Less talking and explaining. And just 3 chances.

I have tried discipline. The naughty step doesn’t work so I sit him on my lap on the step and hold his hands and say ‘ we do not hit in this house, we do kind hands’ and tell him the consequences of hitting and how it hurts but then continues to hit me. Sometimes on a bad day if I shout back (bad mum I know) later on I always say, ‘mummy’s sorry she raised her voice, I was just feeling really angry because you hit me.’ But again I may as well talk to a brick wall!

I think the naughty step is awful and young children aren't even capable of sitting and reflecting on their behaviour like that anyway. All they do is sit there and think one of two things: "I'm a bad child", or "I don't like mummy, it's not fair!" You don't want either of these.

You're allowed to explain how you were feeling and then get away with apologising for shouting without any consequence to you. But he is told "we don't do that" and is stuck on a naughty step. Doesn't seem fair. Certainly confusing for him.

You need to stop shouting first of all. You can't teach him that it's wrong to do something and then do it yourself. Then you have to give him the chance to apologise for things.

My son is 3. Last night when it was bedtime he shouted "I don't want to go to BEEEED!!!" in a really nasty manner. I said, "that may be so, but it is bedtime now" (he'd had a warning before hand so he knew it was coming and his routine is solid). He screamed in anger. I said "I see you're quite cross that it's time to finish playing, but I'm not going to be shouted at. We can go and choose some bedtime stories to read together now. I'm going to your bedroom." I then switched the living room lights off and left. He followed behind and when we went in his bedroom I said "I felt quite sad when you shouted at me." This gave him the chance to say "I'm sorry for shouting mummy." I said "thank you for saying sorry. You can be cross, but you can't shout at someone. It hurts their ears and makes them sad."

Then we swiftly moved on to stories and cuddles. You can have firm boundaries but still give them the chance to fix things and make them right.

"and tell him the consequences of hitting and how it hurts but then continues to hit me."

So the consequences of him hitting you are that it hurts you and then you tell him?

That's not a consequence thats working.

Explain to him ahead of time that the consequences of him hitting you will be his toys are taken away, he has to go to his room, he doesn't get whatever treat was coming next. Something that impacts him immediately like losing his toys or his freedom.

Then if he does it you carry the consequence out, again and again and again, whether he cries and screams about it or not.

Stop the gentle parenting !!! It creates monsters.

Ffs!
who introduced this “ kind hand “ bollocks!!
Theres nothing worse!
you’re the adult start taking control and stop letting a child walk all over you!

Sorry you’re having a hard time OP, I found it so tough going from 1-2 and my eldest was a total shitbag at times. I’m sure you’re dealing with it appropriately. My two boys need totally different parenting and respond differently to different techniques so I think it’s important to figure out what works for your child best.

Sometimes it’s a case of being consistent and riding out the storm. Nothing will yield instant results. Regression is also normal when a sibling arrives.

3 is too young for this. Especially a 3yo lockdown baby who has just had a sibling arrive.

Yes I've recommended this many times on MN. I did a parenting course for parents of children with Adhd and behavioural problems and this book was the bible, recommended by a team of psychologists and OTs. It's effective for any child and the most sensible thing I've ever read. Its not just about the child but empowering the parent too. The method is simple and effective and works within a few days.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/1-2-3-Magic-Effective-Discipline-Children/dp/149262988X/ref=asc_df_149262988X/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=697276890946&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=10283284594547225863&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=1007835&hvtargid=pla-435999936633&psc=1&mcid=35b771c15549300f9118532dda65256d&th=1&psc=1&gad_source=1

@SugarandSpiceandAllThingsNaice

My two year old responds to consequences - and I mean real consequences that impact him directly like removing his toys, not the consequence that when if he hits me he gets told it hurts.

He knows that, he's been told it before. That's probably ok for upto about 12-18 months maybe less, but if the child has standard mental development then beyond that they need consequences to themselves.

Human beings have survived through massively violent instincts so to counter that they need socialisation from a young age.

The library, playgroup, music class etc are full of horribly behaved little toddlers who treat people around them like rubbish because their parents don't do anything about it and simply let them do what they like.

My toddler is well behaved because I don't like him get away with this rubbish.

Gentle parenting would be you removing yourself from his reach when he hits. Getting down to his level and telling him that you know he is frustrated/angry/whatever but you will not allow him to hit and that in this house we use gentle hands. Gentle parenting has boundaries, it isn’t allowing them to continue to hit you etc.

Wow some very conflicting answers going on here! This is why I’m so confused as to why I’m wondering if what I’m doing it right or wrong.

just to clarify I have done gentle parenting and ‘ok’d his feelings e.g, it’s okay to be angry but it’s not okay to hit’ etc. but this hasn’t worked for us.

then when this didn’t work I end up with old tough love and old fashioned parenting of ‘you will not go to soft play if you carry on behaving like this’

I’ve tried distraction.

I know this is confusing for him, but I feel nothing I try works.

I’ve tried sticker charts and they work for a couple days and then he rips it off the wall. We have a physical star jar which worked again for a few weeks and now it’s had no starts in for a while because he’s been naughty! Xx

Tonight he hit me and I said it looks like your feeling angry I’m going to go upstairs so you can’t hurt me

Is "you will not go to soft play" a bit too long term a consequence for him?

Perhaps something more immediate at this age like "you will right now have to go to your room" might work better for him? The younger the child, the more immediate the consequence has to be for them to really make the emotional connection between the cause and effect.

Please read and then try 123 magic. Honestly it's life changing. I did everything you've tried. Kids are not going to magically just see your way of thinking because you've explained it gently.

The technique is simple but beyond effective. It takes out all the emotion and gives everyone space then it's onwards and upwards. No dissecting of issues. Just accepting kids misbehave, there are consequences and then you move on.