Struggling to control my 3 year old

[Lockdownbaby2021]

Hello all.

So I’ve posted before but didn’t get many replies. Basically, the last 2-3 months my 3 year old has gradually become really difficult to handle.

even from being born he’s always been hard work, but felt like we turned a corner after his little brother was born this year. The first few months were amazing but gradually his behaviour has changed.

when he’s good, he’s great! So so caring, tells me he loves me, gives me random kisses, very smart and can have a great conversation. However I feel like he’s really regressed. Examples below.

• Punching me (with fists) even on my head
• throwing some big toys at me and his baby brother
• pretending to spit at me.
• pulling my hair out
• kicking me
• cslling me a dirty old boy (!?)
• started wetting himself on purpose even though potty trained and now asking for nappies
• Stealing his brothers dummies and having the biggest meltdown ever when I take them off him (again weaned off these no problem in April… 4 months after his brother was born so don’t know why it’s an issue all of a sudden)
• developed a stutter
• he’s not conversing as much.
• the other day in Aldi he grabbed a toy a nd sat on the floor and started to open it and ran off when i tried to take it off him
• he’s started just looking straight through us, there’s no getting through to him when he’s acting up
• today he chucked a fruit shoot down my head in public I dragged him away (kicking and screaming) from a tractor ride which he’d been hogging for 30 minutes. I burst into tears.

I’ve tried all the gentle parenting techniques and even firm ones. I’ve read the ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’ there’s only so much I can remember from the book in the heat of the moment I can never remember what to say.

even when the baby is down for a nap, I really make the effort to play with him 1-1 and have us time. But he ruins it by just throwing his toys around, not listening, e.g we will be in the middle of a jigsaw and he will just break it all up and stomp on it.

he attends nursery 2x days a week and with his grandma 1x day a week. They have no issues with him and always praise him.
im really worried his little brother (who is just so calm, smiley, etc) is going o eventually pickup on his bad behaviour and also act like this 😭

unsure on the point in this post, guess I’m looking for other mums to say that 3 really is this hard!

@TheDisillusionedAnarchist just gave the arrival a read. Very interesting points and he’s started doing some of the things stated here. Like wanting to ‘win’ more, developed a stutter, making up his own jokes usually 99% of the time involving poo or wee ! X

I really don't like the glee behind some posters use of the word punishment. I wonder at the parents who sound like they love to punish. Schools don't talk about punishment but about behaviour management. OP, your son will get through this phase and it is just a phase. He is probably upset about the arrival of the baby even though he loves the baby. Try and praise five times as often as reprimanding him. Catch him being good and praise him. Distract where possible. Love bomb him when it is just you and him. Make him feel completely secure . Be gentle in your treatment of him.
You sound like a lovely Mum. This just a phase, a trying phase, but it will be better by Christmas.

@Crowbat thank you! This message was like the warm hug I need in my life. I don’t have any mum friends so please all forgive me for my questions. Xx

So I recommend having lots of nice things that you can temporarily remove from the child as a motivator.

Maybe try getting loads of cheap plastic toys and tat and finding things that they love and then if they misbehave you have a mild but motivating punishment available in taking away some of these things in the moment for a short period as a motivator.

You might have already tried that.

I probably sound this way but I'm really not. I don't like punishing my child and I really don't like watching him cry when I've taken away his cars and all he wants is just to push them a bit more and not put his socks on, and it's my power to just hand the cars back to him and take all the tears and sadness away.

There's nothing I want more than to be able to just be the drop of sunshine in his world handing him those cars, letting him not put his socks on and watching his face light up as he gets to play again.

But sadly I just have to be firm and do it anyway and sit while he cries and begs me to just get his stuff back while not having to do the extremely minor yet necessary thing I've asked him to do first.

Not all children respond to the same things though so I can only give suggestions and it's a bit of trial and error to find something strong enough to motivate your child at that time to respond.

But I'm fully aware it's hard, it's hard to know what they'll respond to or if it's working or not or if you're being too harsh or if anything will work in the end.

Mums need a lot more recognition than they get.

Go to your GP for signposting.

I am a teacher. Lovely parents tend to have lovely children. You sound like a lovely parent.
I look after my four young grandchildren and the oldest of each family went through a difficult phase when their younger siblings were born. It feels like forever but passes within a few months. One turned into a biter and scratcher with younger children. It made if difficult to relax when we went to play sessions. Hard to remember now. He is a delight.
Once your younger child is a bit older things will really improve and start to be fun. I find that I have so much more patience with my grandchildren when they are being difficult because I know it is just a phase. It is part of them growing up. Inside they are anxious and not sure how to be loveable. Being kind and really interested in them and just loving them will work wonders.
One of the nicest families I taught was a Mum and three boys ( Dad was there too but not so visible) They were teens but so genuinely interested in each other and so unselfconsciously supportive of each other and their Mum. They would reach out and hug her when they bumped into her at parent consultation evenings. It was so refreshing compared to the teens who feared their parents and didn't tell them anything for fear of judgement.
You are doing a brilliant job and the fact that you are asking for help shows how much you care. They are lucky to have you

@Theextraordinaryisintheordinary can you please explain what you mean by this ?

Firstly, I think 3 is harder than 2, and I also think that older kids often find it harder when their younger sibling is a bit older than when first born. Newborns often just tag along - they're not trying to take the older child's toys etc. So I think it can be common for regression to happen later and be linked to a new sibling.
Janet Lansbury has some good advice. I often go back to her stuff if an issue comes up with my kids. Also, just because your child acts out, doesn't mean you are a bad mum. I have 2 kids with very different temperaments. They test me in different ways!

@itsmabeline
I heard my FIL say almost word for word the justification you use to 'punish' your child as a reason to beat his children with a stick. He really thought it was harder to administer the stick than it was for his little children to be beaten.
I say again, schools talk about Behaviour Management. They abandoned punishment policies a long time ago.
All of the lovely, considerate teenagers I taught had lovely, considerate parents who treated their children with patience , respect and kindness. Mean, spiteful parents produce mean, spiteful children. Some children found the kindness of teachers a revelation after experiencing unkind parents. it is so important that a child grows up in a kind, loving home.
OP, you sound kind and loving. Your children will be fine. They are lucky to have you.

Thanks so much @Crowbat 🩷

also, can I ask you all about night terrors. This is something else that’s started in the last 2 months since the change in behaviour. They happen around once or twice a month not long after he’s gone to sleep.

tonight I found him in the corner of his room gently crying. I went in to check he was okay and it was like he was possessed. Screaming for me when I was right there, jumping out of his skin, shaking, wailing, grabbing my face screaming like I was a monster! It was like I wasn’t even there. He calmed once I got his bun bun and let me put him back to bed.

why is all this happening to him at the moment! 😪

@Lockdownbaby2021
Night Terrors is also common. Your son is still little. Everything has been a bit unsettled for him recently and however much he professes to love his baby brother ( and he does love him) his place in the family has been usurped to some extent. He is reacting to all his internal anxieties. I had a friend whose grandson exhibited very challenging behaviour for the first year of his brother's life. Then he gradually forgot that there had ever been a time when his baby brother hadn't been around. They are best buddies now.
Honestly it is so hard for you because you constantly worry that this phase will be permanent. I know it's a phase and it will pass and life will get so much easier for you. Your son loves you, he plays up to test that you love him. Things will settle down. Your children are loved, they will grow into amazing people. You are giving them a great start.

@Crowbat thank you. Your pupils are very lucky they have such a lovely understanding teacher to look up to.

deep down I know he loves me, today he actually told me this more than twice out of the blue and gave me a kiss on the cheek. Although he also said he didn’t like me anymore shortly after, and did some more hitting. There’s been lots of ‘hands arent for hitting’ from me and lots of having to move myself and the baby out of the way. Then later on asking why he was feeling angry and then ended with a cuddle.

However we had a breakthrough with the snacks.
Hed had his afternoon snack already, then just before tea he wanted another out of his snack box. I said ‘it’s nearly teatime if you’re hungry you can have some fruit’ he began to kick off wanting the snack box down from the top of the cabinets. I said no you’ve had your snack this afternoon if your hungry you can have an apple or a banana, your choice.
he threw a meltdown. Then around 15 minutes later asked for a snack again. I gave him the fruit options and he said ‘I’ll have an apple please’ And was happy as Larry!
I will get there; thanks to everyone’s help. Despite the divide in opinions and personal choices, which we are all very entitled to make at the end of the day xx

Yes, OP, this is really great!!

I also struggled with being firm and having boundaries - as you have found, I felt like a lot of parenting advice was either totally punishment based, which I really struggled with, or it was just stated as though it was obvious. "You just have to be firm and have boundaries!" But it wasn't obvious to me.

One thing I have realised with boundaries is that it is about what I can control. I think a misconception I had for a long time is that a boundary is supposed to be a behaviour that I want them to stop - which is why something like punishment is really the only thing that makes sense, because you can't physically control another human being, and even though children are little, they still have some control over their own behaviour.

Once I started seeing boundaries as things like - yes, only fruit offered between meals, or I've said no so I'm not going to change my mind because you're upset about it, or a time I've decided that the TV goes on (and not before) - it got much easier.

And little things too like just pausing the next activity until they have done the other required activity first can really help. Or bringing them to the thing and helping them with it.

It's true that things can work differently with different children. My youngest is a surprise because all the parenting tips that I half heartedly tried, expecting them not to work (as they didn't work before!) DO mostly work with him.

And half of it is also not reacting emotionally yourself. When you know that they are having a perfectly normal and reasonable reaction to being told no (because they are three!) it is much easier to remain firm and be sympathetic that they are having a hard time but basically understand it's not the end of the world, compared to when I am catastrophising and all sorts is going on in my head and I just need to make it better immediately.

And on the other end of the scale, not getting drawn into an argument - I am actually still terrible for this and DH sometimes notices and interrupts me and I go oh yeah, duh, I don't need to engage in an argument with a 6yo but if I don't catch myself with it then I can get really drawn in and it's really NOT helpful when we end up matching their energy.

Janet Lansbury helped me a lot. I like her calm, confident momentum thing and "unruffled" and "it's not an emergency" and "No, I won't let you do that" (you have to listen to this on the podcast to get the tone.) - she is just brilliant. I think I had an idea that to set boundaries I had to be Supernanny and that is just not me. I like Janet's approach much better. It is firm, confident and clearly in charge but it's also kind and empathetic and respectful, which is what I wanted.

@BertieBotts thank you, I will definitely look her up.

agree totally with what you said.
Way before I had children when I used to see a toddler throwing himself on the floor in a tantrum and an angry mum, I foolishly used to think ‘it’s the parents that made them that way’

but now I’m a mum I completely get it. I am a huge believer than some children are born with a strong willed nature and very independent which is absolutely okay, it’s just incredibly tough for us parents.

hopefully I can update you all when we come out of the other end of this phase.

also want to Apologise for my horrific grammar, my keyboard is so delayed on mumsnet for some reason and I’m always typing in a rush !x

Hi all! Just to update you, I think we’re coming out of the other side!
the last few days he’s been really lovely and started to listen to me.
today he’s told me he loves me a few times just randomly and given me lots of cuddles! He’s been more gentle with his brother too. he actually had a virus last week and since that’s stopped he’s been better?

not sure if it’s coincidence but I’ve also been cutting down on the biscuits/ brioche snacks and re-introducing baby snacks e.g no added sugar etc and also really cutting down on the smoothies etc. introducing baby bells, more fruit, toast & PB.

he’s been less wild. We’ve had our moments still but not half as bad. I myself feel so much calmer and less tired at the end of the day!

just another question, have your 3 year olds ever complained of headaches? He did for the first time the other day (but think he was fighting off this virus but it made him sooooo tired) and then today seems fine but just randomly said his head hurt again!😟 They do like to worry us don’t they!

thanks all for your help.

Thats great news. He may have bad days where he is grumpy and acts up, but glad to hear his general behaviour is improving. My eldest had headaches around that age and it turned out she needed glasses. If you haven’t taken him to an optician, it might be worthwhile to get his eyes tested.

Yes I would say headaches is a good idea to get eyes tested and make sure he's drinking during the day too.

How’s it going now @Lockdownbaby2021?
i found this post after struggling to discipline my 3 (nearly 4) yo daughter. We have a 6 month baby brother too.

The tantrums are less severe than you describe, but the last few nights she’s got out of bed maybe 15 - 20 times at bedtime. It goes on til after 9 or 10pm. She’s always been terrible at getting to sleep, but she just won’t stay in her bed.DH & I don’t get more than an hour together mostly

Very similar on the running off thing. I don’t even feel like I can take them both to the park on my own, as she sprints off and doesn’t look back. She’ll happily run 400m away across the grass towards the exit, with me shouting at her to stop. Other parents have had to chase her as I have the buggy. She doesn’t listen to a word I say. She laughs at me if I shout, she loves the naughty step. There’s nothing I can take away that she really cares about enough! I know I need to be consistent, but consistent with what!? I’m trying to be gentle, but then I flip as I get so frustrated, which is so confusing and inconsistent for her, I know. I always apologise afterwards,

she’s extremely bright, and talks and negotiates like an adult, so I suppose I forget how little she is.

Plus, my baby’s naps are extremely short - 25 mins - so I’m really struggling to get decent time with her, I’m just constantly chasing naps for hours of the day, and feel overwhelmed and sad I can’t hang out with her in the way I used to,

i was quite a disciplined kid, and certainly respected what my parents or any adult asked me to do, without question. I guess expect her to be the same, but she just isn’t and doesn’t!

I don’t want it to escalate more, like how you’re describing a switch happening quite suddenly. I’m worried we might be heading that way too and want to try to keep the peace as much as I can!

So my little one is now 4, just started school and we're not much better

They have absolutely no worries at school, just his phonics aren't as strong as his maths but they said not a weakness.

Whenever Inhave him he's almost uncontrollable. I know he is such a loving little boy as he's good as gold for Grandma/ his dad.

I try and reward good behaviour but then he does or says something he knows is absolutely wrong and laughs even though I firmly tell him no. This morning trying to get him dressed he ran around the house and i had to rugby tackle him to get his trousers on!

I am exhausted. I just wish I got the better side of him. I am too scared to take him out in public at the moment which is really sad as I want to enjoy him. But each time I do brave it I end up in tears and getting extremely down as I think I'm a sh*t mum. I have done nothing but my best for them both but I feel like I am failing. I now even think my family dread seeing him, i've had comments made about him at family parties as he's so wild etc.