Struggling to control my 3 year old

[Lockdownbaby2021]

Hello all.

So I’ve posted before but didn’t get many replies. Basically, the last 2-3 months my 3 year old has gradually become really difficult to handle.

even from being born he’s always been hard work, but felt like we turned a corner after his little brother was born this year. The first few months were amazing but gradually his behaviour has changed.

when he’s good, he’s great! So so caring, tells me he loves me, gives me random kisses, very smart and can have a great conversation. However I feel like he’s really regressed. Examples below.

• Punching me (with fists) even on my head
• throwing some big toys at me and his baby brother
• pretending to spit at me.
• pulling my hair out
• kicking me
• cslling me a dirty old boy (!?)
• started wetting himself on purpose even though potty trained and now asking for nappies
• Stealing his brothers dummies and having the biggest meltdown ever when I take them off him (again weaned off these no problem in April… 4 months after his brother was born so don’t know why it’s an issue all of a sudden)
• developed a stutter
• he’s not conversing as much.
• the other day in Aldi he grabbed a toy a nd sat on the floor and started to open it and ran off when i tried to take it off him
• he’s started just looking straight through us, there’s no getting through to him when he’s acting up
• today he chucked a fruit shoot down my head in public I dragged him away (kicking and screaming) from a tractor ride which he’d been hogging for 30 minutes. I burst into tears.

I’ve tried all the gentle parenting techniques and even firm ones. I’ve read the ‘how to talk so little kids will listen’ there’s only so much I can remember from the book in the heat of the moment I can never remember what to say.

even when the baby is down for a nap, I really make the effort to play with him 1-1 and have us time. But he ruins it by just throwing his toys around, not listening, e.g we will be in the middle of a jigsaw and he will just break it all up and stomp on it.

he attends nursery 2x days a week and with his grandma 1x day a week. They have no issues with him and always praise him.
im really worried his little brother (who is just so calm, smiley, etc) is going o eventually pickup on his bad behaviour and also act like this 😭

unsure on the point in this post, guess I’m looking for other mums to say that 3 really is this hard!

@Thesystemisbroken can you summarise the key points of the book that work?

Otherwise your post is effectively an ad.

He knows what he has done is wrong. You say 'that's 3' (no 3 chances for hitting) and remove him to his room for 3 minutes. Then when he comes out you just move on.

Hi little man what are we doing now- want a drink? Etc

ok

Here is what I would do

but a toy baby doll and a dummy and nappies and so on. That’s his baby and he can baby that baby all day long and be a lovely caring daddy

his diet has quite a bit of sugar in it….can you swap some things out?

wellbeing is based on 7 foundations- quality sleep, suitable age appropriate routine, balanced nutrition, emotional needs met, spiritual needs met, social needs met, play

you're playing and he hits-this is important what happened before this try and figure out the trigger, it might be very minor but if you can figure it out you can avoid/mitigate.

but let’s say he does hit. You take his hands and say- no we don’t hit. Why are you hitting mummy? I can see you’re (angry/sad/cross/) oh look very angry. Mummy is sad. It hurts me when you hit me. No hitting. I want to play, let’s play and no hitting ok? If you hit again all the toys go away.
he hits again- the toys go away. He plays on his own for a few minutes. Do not expect a sorry. But you will be able to tell he is sorry. And you can praise that- I can see you’re sorry, that’s much better. I love you.

It’s a cry for attention so he needs to stop getting attention when he acts out but he gets the right attention when he behaves well. It sounds like you are giving him lots of love and time but the chopping and changing isn’t helping.

I would take a more boundary led approach and stick with it.

He throws or hits, he’s taken out of the situation and put in his room (I know I know this and the naughty step are meant to be cruel but there are too many parents willing to live with incredibly bad behaviour and I dread to think the teens these kids will grow to be)

I would let him kick, scream and bang the door but don’t respond.

Spend time reading , chatting , baking etc with him. All things you can do with the ‘big boy’ and not ‘the baby’.

I am a big advocate of showering children with love but I children like boundaries and you are right to put them in.

I had an extremely challenging 3 year old so I feel your pain - she is however my easiest teen !

It's essentially two different techniques. You only use the counting for behaviour you want to stop so not if you're trying to persuade them to do something.

You explain it briefly before ypu start using but this wasn't necessary for my 3 yr old.

With behaviour you wan tto stop, for example your 3 yr old asks ypu what's for tea. It's something they've had a million times before. Tonight they're moaning about it once you've told them what it is. You say 'that's 1'. They keep moaning snd start shouting they don't want it. 'That's 2'. They're angry and still shouting. 'That's 3'. The consequences might be a time out jn their room. No explanations. Just that's 3 minutes jn your room. Then after you just act like nothings happened. Not a big sorry cuddles explanations just move on.

I'm new to it so probably not explaining properly but I think there are videos and books (I have the book). It just seems to work!

So no punishment for him?!

I agree with this.

I know when my three (nearly four) yo is in a proper rage you can’t reach him, no amount of validating his feelings or whatever else you’re supposed to do works. You just have to ride the storm.

It kind of is as it’s removing yourself from the situation and isolating the child.

You need to pick one approach and stick with it.

Sticker charts are no use if a child is having a large emotional response, they are just bribes, they change nothing really. That's why they wear off in usefulness.

What's your gut feeling about how you want to parent? Everyone can tell you what to do, but what's your philosophy?

Really you have to pick something and stick to it. You can't swing between gentle parenting and tough love, that's frightening for a child as they need to know where they are.

Who starts down the 'that's one' road for some ordinary moaning? That's bloody harsh.

Probably wouldn't start shouting if they got some normal conversation.

Ignoring small things avoids a lot of angst.

Plus not explaining what they did and acting like nothing happened is weird. This book sounds like it'll raise some very confused kids.

Gentle Parenting ???
I've never heard such nonsense.

If you don't know anything about it, how do you know it is nonsense?

(Not sure I know much about the theory myself, I didn't follow a fixed thing)

Angry, shouty parents raise unhappier kids I would think.

With behaviour you wan tto stop, for example your 3 yr old asks ypu what's for tea. It's something they've had a million times before. Tonight they're moaning about it once you've told them what it is. You say 'that's 1'. They keep moaning snd start shouting they don't want it. 'That's 2'. They're angry and still shouting. 'That's 3'. The consequences might be a time out jn their room. No explanations. Just that's 3 minutes jn your room. Then after you just act like nothings happened. Not a big sorry cuddles explanations just move on.

This gives me the absolute creeps.

Just say "here's your tea", and start talking about something else. If they whinge say "eat the bits you like and leave whatever you don't." Their choice.

I think this is it. Everyone has different ways of parenting. There is no right or wrong.

I know for me I feel so much guilt if I raise my voice as it upsets him and he still carries on anyway and I don’t want him to think this is how to handle any conflict with his friends in the future by shouting at them.

but then again I don’t get through to him using gentle techniques.

i just need to find my own way, whatever that is.

also to the person who said my boy eats too much sugar, I’m not angry, just intrigued.. what part of his diet is too much sugar (other than the one biscuit I give him after his tea) just so I know what I need to change :)

also in terms of drinks, he has sugar free squash or water most of the time. Is this okay?

It's not for everyone. I suppose no technique is and that's why there's so many with so many different schools of thinking and research. It just seems to work well for me right now and I suppose I wanted to give the OP some hope 🤷‍♀️ things do get easier.

Also my example was probably terrible 🤣

I always praise good behaviour. Like over exaggerated sometimes. For example if he strokes his brothers hand really nicely when he’s crying I always say ‘that’s a really nice thing to do, I’m sure your brother is so happy now’ but then two minutes later he will claw at his face to get his dummy, so then how do I proceed for example?????

There definitely is a right and wrong when it comes to shouting at him OP. At worst, you will terrify him, at best he will learn to tune you out. Either way his behaviour will get worse because of it.

Not a nice way to grow up. You need to stop that before you do anything else.

I don’t think he’s too young for the naughty step. My DD started going on it around 2 and honestly rarely went on it by 4. She’s now a polite preteen. But she doesn’t have siblings so I can’t speak for that. If you’re sitting on it with him that must be confusing. Solidarity OP. 3 year olds are hard

He is craving your attention. Up the praise whenever he is behaving well, do as much 1.1 time as possible, he is reacting to new sibling. Ignore all negative behaviours except hitting which need appropriate consequences.

I think it's so good to praise even the smallest things. Using the counting technique I'd say 'that's one' and then move on. It takes a few times of getting to 3 for the behaviour to stop at 1. But I understand that others on this thread aren't keen on this technique so I don't want to offend or recommend something that upsets other people. I think some advice you got was pick a technique and use it consistently which sounds good- maybe read around whatever technique you read and relay get to grips with it.

Honestly it all will get easier. Why does no one give us a handbook hey?

Shouting is pretty much always unhelpful, except when they are about to run into traffic.

Janet Lansbury has some good stuff around toddler hitting and tantrums. She terms it respectful parenting, which I like more than gentle parenting, which people interpret differently.

My daughter is 3 and I have found this age soooooo difficult so far and have cried myself, sometimes in front of her. She actually kicked me in the jaw the other day because I'm her words she thought I'd find it funny, I didn't surprise. She's become very boisterous.

We try to gentle parent too, I've read a lot of Sarah Ockwell Smith

Hitting is such a hard one, I just couldn't understand why it kept happening and I was ashamed, it got to the point where she was hitting and kicking me every day. Pulling my hair too, which I found really triggered me and made me mad.

I'm pregnant and I thought this maybe had something to do with it, so I felt really guilty.

We bought 2 books one is called "hands are not for hitting" and "what to do when you feel like hitting" both are really nice books, I bought them more in desperation hoping to get through to her and surprisingly it has really helped.

Spending a lot of time trying to connect with her as well has helped. So in bed when we're getting her to sleep I will say things like "I love you, I love being your mummy, nobody could ever replace you" whilst holding her or stroking her hair.

My DD used to love puzzles and was quite advanced with them, but I've stopped getting them out for the same reasons as you, they just end up on the floor. We have been doing more crafts together, cuddling and reading together, playing cafes that sort of thing

I don't think you're doing anything wrong at all, you're obviously really trying your best and I honestly think it's just a really difficult age.

With the food, I don't think he's eating poorly, in fact he's eating well compared to a lot of kids his age.

I think they're just trying to assert themselves as an individual to us and that comes out as a disagreeable monster.

I meant as in, I don’t think there is a set right or wrong way to discipline every child (meaning what works for some won’t work for others)
I didn’t mean right or wrong way as in shouting at my boy personally.
I agree I need to find my own technique and stick to it, it’s just I’m struggling to find what that technique is.

I do feel strongly that for my boy that if I put him in a room on his own and shut the door and leave him this will affect him negatively long term as he is at the end of the day very clingy to me more than anyone else.

I feel like addressing the bad behaviour and removing myself from the situation and carrying on in another room as normal for a while might work, then discussing the bad behaviour (if it’s something serious like hitting or pulling my hair) later on when he’s calmed down.

The other day, I was in the car with him driving when I was just so drained from crying because of him, he was still screaming and crying and I just couldn’t respond or say anything as I didn’t physically know what to say. He ended up (while crying and screaming ) saying ‘mummy, please talk to me why aren’t you speaking’

I thought this thread might make me feel a little better but now I feel even more clueless and upset that I’m mentally affecting my child. 😭