Page 4 | Is 90 min commute to school for 4yo ok?

Flowermam7 · 2024-10-01T19:34:29+00:00

Hey everyone, done a name change. My son’s father has requested mediation as wants 50/50 shared care. We split during my pregnancy and he moved over an hours drive away to live with new partner. He currently has DS 2 days out of 10, days changing based on his shift work. This has been fine (albeit frustrating for me) but I’m now concerned that our son will be due to start preschool then reception next year and think a 70-90 min commute each way (dependent on traffic) is not reasonable for him. I explained this to him and his reply was that he wants 50/50 care and will drive DS to school and back. Does anyone have any experience of shared care/do people think this is a reasonable drive for a child this age? thank you

Silvertulips · 01/10/2024 22:29

New girl friend down for all those pick ups is she?

I wouldn’t be worried at this stage, I would sort out a school - because with 50/50 he can also apply for schools!

He won’t keep it up for long - you know this - and you know he’s threatening for a reason - so ride it out.

PolaroidPrincess · 01/10/2024 22:30

If you do want to take legal advice, Rights of Women offer free legal advice.

converseandjeans · 01/10/2024 22:54

He doesn’t want to change his shift pattern as him and his wife work same shifts - she also has 2 children from previous relationship and current agreement means they get child free days at the same time.

I find this really controlling - lots of couples seem to aim to have all kids together for one blended family weekend & then have time off to themselves. So their children never see them alone. I think it's really sad. If I was the child I would feel really sad to be made to join in with the other kids all the time.

andthat · 01/10/2024 22:56

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 01/10/2024 20:49

If I recall correctly, the rule of thumb for primary children with SEN was a maximum of 45 minutes each way. The view was that they shouldn’t be so tired by the time they got to school, they couldn’t benefit from their own education.

I wouldn’t be inclined to choose a school half way between you and ex - imagine a 45 minute drive each way, when DC gets invited to a play date or party for the rest of primary? Then, winter hasn’t really started yet - there could be floods, fog, ice, driving rain…..crashes, roadworks…Journeys could take twice as long on a bad day?

Totally agree with this.

Being close to school means close to friends and being able to participate in post school meet ups etc Don’t think it’s fair for the child to have to compromise on that because his dad decided to move away.

And no, 90 mins commute isn’t on. It wouldn’t be good for an adult, never mind a child.

LoudSnoringDog · 02/10/2024 07:31

We had an hour each way whilst waiting to move house. My sons were then year 3 and year 5. It was horrendous.

Clearinguptheclutter · 02/10/2024 07:34

I don’t quite understand what he is suggesting. Does he expect the OP to move closer to him?

Illpickthatup · 02/10/2024 07:44

Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 21:13

The difficult thing is that he works shift work and a rolling pattern. I suggested we changed to every other weekend with potentially an evening in the week- take out for dinner/collect from school and take to park. He said no and then came back to say he wants 50/50.

I think the ‘50/50’ is almost a threat to get me to comply by keeping it as is currently. My concern would be that it would still be 4 x long commute for our son. I think with him starting school it would be better to have a consistent pattern of contact rather than the days changing weekly.

So currently he has him 2 days out of 10 due to work but somehow is going to now be available 50% of the time with a spare 6 hours to drive DS back and forth. Sounds legit. 🙄

Just ignore him. There's no way he can facilitate this and he's clearly just trying to get under your skin.

buttonsB4 · 02/10/2024 07:49

I don't understand how he can't move to fixed days of care because of his shifts, but all of a sudden he can do fixed days of care 50% of the time AND throw in a three hour round commute twice a day 🙄

Honestly, I would act positively about this and let him realise his own stupidity.

"Ohhh, DC having extra time with his father would be great! 50/50 is an excellent idea. Shall we do one week on, one week off?
We could start after your next contact and instead of dropping him back on Sunday night, you take him straight to nursery on Monday for 8:30 and pick him up at 3:15 every day that week and I'll pick him up on the Friday night, then you can collect him 3:15 the following Friday."

He'll take one look at that and think "how the fuck can I do that from 90 mins away every alternate week??"

Unless you think he'll get his local parents to step in and do care?

BanksysSprayCan · 02/10/2024 07:50

That doesn’t sound sustainable. The fuel cost would be horrific apart from the time factor. He’d be better off just paying you the maintainance and letting your child be at a school near you.

Concentrationneeded · 02/10/2024 08:06

No it's not fair on DC. And making DC drive 45 mins every day for 'fairness' isn't fair on DC anyway. He will want to join clubs, both outside of school and at school. My DCs state school has a club that starts at 8am before school. Ask him to explain to you how he will make 50/50 work, given he cannot make your proposal work. How will he get to your DC quickly when he is ill at school ect? How will playdates work? What about friends parties on his time? Stand firm. You need fixed days and stand firm on that. If he demands 50/50 offer mediation and repeat the conversation there.

devildeepbluesea · 02/10/2024 08:16

I’ve no idea why anyone is even bothering to think how this could work. It won’t.

Suggest he take you to court, and let’s see what they have to say about such a blatantly selfish father. His motive (avoiding CMS) is only too clear, and no court in the land will agree to a commute which is the equivalent of Swindon - London to please a parent, even if the parent was able to facilitate. Which he clearly isn’t.

MayaPinion · 02/10/2024 08:20

Call his bluff. Agree heartily and offer a months trial. Do not facilitate him, do not offer to swap to make different days easier. He'll be done in two weeks.

Flipzandchipz · 02/10/2024 08:28

I think you’ve offered a few compromises already so that your ex and DS get to spend time together so I’d keep focusing on these suggestions and what is best for your son in the mediation. Your ex is being ridiculous, he has options to see his child more which wouldn't involve a trashing 90 minute back and forth for a 4 year old before and after school and is too selfish to do it as he will lose his time with his wife? Should have thought about that before moving that far away and getting into a relationship with someone with two children. Doing something like that as a parent means you have to make sacrifices to see your child

sashh · 02/10/2024 08:29

Dinosaurlover · 01/10/2024 20:51

It's too much, but presumably it would be a 30-45m journey each way instead as he'd go to a school half way between you both. Still too much, but not quite as bad.

Bad idea.

If he throws up at school or there is something else that means he needs picking up 45 min is a log wait.

OP I'd be curious what his wife thinks? Has he even discussed it with her?

Daisybuttercup12345 · 02/10/2024 08:30

Far too long, especially at that age.
Another selfish man.

Haroldwilson · 02/10/2024 08:44

No. Kids that age can need 12 hours sleep. School 7 hours.

That leaves 5 hours for him to eat, wash, play, dress etc. Your ex wants 3 of those 5 hours to be spent in a car. Leaving him 2 hours a day.

The poor kid would have no time to play. He'd practically be eating his dinner in the bath. It's an insane plan that's not in the child's best interests.

Coruscations · 02/10/2024 08:54

WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 01/10/2024 20:49

If I recall correctly, the rule of thumb for primary children with SEN was a maximum of 45 minutes each way. The view was that they shouldn’t be so tired by the time they got to school, they couldn’t benefit from their own education.

I wouldn’t be inclined to choose a school half way between you and ex - imagine a 45 minute drive each way, when DC gets invited to a play date or party for the rest of primary? Then, winter hasn’t really started yet - there could be floods, fog, ice, driving rain…..crashes, roadworks…Journeys could take twice as long on a bad day?

No, it's a maximum of 45 minutes each way for primary aged children whether they have SEN or not. For infant age I would suggest it should be less.

Coruscations · 02/10/2024 08:56

Dinosaurlover · 01/10/2024 20:51

It's too much, but presumably it would be a 30-45m journey each way instead as he'd go to a school half way between you both. Still too much, but not quite as bad.

The child would lose out that way through not living near his friends.

Coruscations · 02/10/2024 08:59

Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 21:13

The difficult thing is that he works shift work and a rolling pattern. I suggested we changed to every other weekend with potentially an evening in the week- take out for dinner/collect from school and take to park. He said no and then came back to say he wants 50/50.

I think the ‘50/50’ is almost a threat to get me to comply by keeping it as is currently. My concern would be that it would still be 4 x long commute for our son. I think with him starting school it would be better to have a consistent pattern of contact rather than the days changing weekly.

Tell him if he wants 50/50 it would have to be set days. If that doesn't work for the school run with his shift pattern, tough. That's the reality of parenting.

YouveGotAFastCar · 02/10/2024 08:59

Lindy2 · 01/10/2024 21:00

A 90 minute school commute for a 4 year old is madness.

Your ex is in for a shock but I'd let him find that out for himself.

There's so many things that will also make it even more tricky. There could well be the need for toilet stops adding to the journey length, your child may well be very tired so will fall asleep, mucking up their night time sleeping, 2 x 90 minute drives have a lot of potential for traffic delays particularly as we are heading towards winter weather in a couple of months. It really will be hard work.

All of these things.

My nearly 3 year old quite likes being in the car, but 90 minutes would put him to sleep, ruining his sleeping habits. Even now, if he slept at 3:30; he'd be awake until 11pm.

He'd definitely need the toilet, and won't accept nappies, so we'd need to plan in a stop... and probably tea, to be honest!

Is 90 min commute to school for 4yo ok?

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