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Original poster

Is 90 min commute to school for 4yo ok?

95 replies

Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 20:34

Hey everyone, done a name change.

My son’s father has requested mediation as wants 50/50 shared care.

We split during my pregnancy and he moved over an hours drive away to live with new partner. He currently has DS 2 days out of 10, days changing based on his shift work. This has been fine (albeit frustrating for me) but I’m now concerned that our son will be due to start preschool then reception next year and think a 70-90 min commute each way (dependent on traffic) is not reasonable for him. I explained this to him and his reply was that he wants 50/50 care and will drive DS to school and back.

Does anyone have any experience of shared care/do people think this is a reasonable drive for a child this age?

thank you

OP posts:
Ratfinkstinkypink · 01/10/2024 20:54

My 4 year old does an hour each way and it is just about bearable, he doesn't get home until 5pm most evenings which leaves very little time for fun and winding down before bed. It's not something I would chose for any child of that age (we have no choice as it is the nearest suitable school for him).

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 01/10/2024 20:55

Why would he go to school between them. Dad moved away.
a school mid way is the worst of all worlds. No local friends, everything that way for events, evening stuff, parties etc.
Op should pick a school near her, court surely won't give a 90 min journey during the week.

Separately I'd also ask how he intends to manage 50/50?

MikeWozniaksMohawk · 01/10/2024 21:00

One of DS’ friends lives half the time with his dad 5 mins from school and half the time with his mum 25 miles away (50 mins with no traffic). It looks exhausting to me.

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Lindy2 · 01/10/2024 21:00

A 90 minute school commute for a 4 year old is madness.

Your ex is in for a shock but I'd let him find that out for himself.

There's so many things that will also make it even more tricky. There could well be the need for toilet stops adding to the journey length, your child may well be very tired so will fall asleep, mucking up their night time sleeping, 2 x 90 minute drives have a lot of potential for traffic delays particularly as we are heading towards winter weather in a couple of months. It really will be hard work.

mindutopia · 01/10/2024 21:03

Let him talk like he’s billy big balls and pay no mind. How is he going to manage 6 hours a day of school run for 2 weeks out of every 4? Might sound like a good threat, but the one getting shot in the foot is mostly going to be him, because that’s completely incompatible with most people’s lives.

Newyearnewnameagain20 · 01/10/2024 21:03

No court in the land would order this. Why are you even considering it?

Clearinguptheclutter · 01/10/2024 21:04

Call his bluff. He might start it but it won’t last

Original poster
Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 21:05

Lindy2 · 01/10/2024 21:00

A 90 minute school commute for a 4 year old is madness.

Your ex is in for a shock but I'd let him find that out for himself.

There's so many things that will also make it even more tricky. There could well be the need for toilet stops adding to the journey length, your child may well be very tired so will fall asleep, mucking up their night time sleeping, 2 x 90 minute drives have a lot of potential for traffic delays particularly as we are heading towards winter weather in a couple of months. It really will be hard work.

Completely agree - these are my concerns.

I do understand the sentiment in that let him find out for himself - but the main one who is affected would be our son and I don’t think it’s fair on him but can’t seem to get that through to his dad. He thinks I’m trying to control and dictate his life 🤦🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
Hedonism · 01/10/2024 21:05

I wouldn't even contemplate a 90 minute daily commute for myself to get to work, and I am 40 years older than your DC!

LIZS · 01/10/2024 21:06

Poor kid. I doubt he will sustain the travel but ds will suffer in the meantime. I doubt a court would accept it.

purpleme12 · 01/10/2024 21:07

Erm no that's ridiculous

Comedycook · 01/10/2024 21:08

We had a brief period (due to moving house and not having a school place in our new area) where we had a 45 minute drive to school...this was during year 1 so DC was 5. Honestly it was absolutely horrendous for both of us. We were both exhausted by it.

CrispieCake · 01/10/2024 21:10

I'd definitely suggest a 2 week trial and you'll refund the maintenance for those weeks if he keeps to schedule and does drop-off and pick-up on time.

I think you'll find that he's talking out of his arse.

Dorisbonson · 01/10/2024 21:10

It's clearly a stupid idea.

He has to accept the consequences of his decisions means he sees less of his child and has to pay maintenance.

Call his bluff.

SheilaFentiman · 01/10/2024 21:11

Dinosaurlover · 01/10/2024 20:51

It's too much, but presumably it would be a 30-45m journey each way instead as he'd go to a school half way between you both. Still too much, but not quite as bad.

No - a child has a primary address for school admissions - if true 50:50 care, usually the address of the parent receiving child benefit, where the child is registered for GP etc

Original poster
Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 21:13

The difficult thing is that he works shift work and a rolling pattern. I suggested we changed to every other weekend with potentially an evening in the week- take out for dinner/collect from school and take to park. He said no and then came back to say he wants 50/50.

I think the ‘50/50’ is almost a threat to get me to comply by keeping it as is currently. My concern would be that it would still be 4 x long commute for our son. I think with him starting school it would be better to have a consistent pattern of contact rather than the days changing weekly.

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/10/2024 21:13

Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 20:46

He hasn’t said - I don’t think he truly wants it - think he’s just threatening it atm as knows I wouldn’t want it.

Show quote history

I wouldn't engage then. Id stop the rolling days though. As you cannot plan.

Gremlins101 · 01/10/2024 21:14

Sounds awful for your son (and you). Stick to a school that is local for you,so when your ex inevitably gives up this nonsense... everything can go back to normal.

RaymondaHolt · 01/10/2024 21:14

No, much too long a commute. Can one of you move to facilitate 50/50?

PolaroidPrincess · 01/10/2024 21:16

Maths isn't my strong skill so correct me if I'm wrong but is he really suggesting that he leaves the house at 7.30 am with a 4 year old and doesn't get back home with him until 5 pm? New starters in Reception are often very tired. My DF had to put her DD to bed at 5 first the first half term as she was just so grumpy otherwise.

I'd say you did a week on and a week off is he even available to do those trips on the days he has work?

I'd be tempted to call his bluff too and say that you think he'd be best applying for a Child Arrangements Order so you both know exactly where you stand.

I suspect though that he'll want the maximum inconvenience for you of having floating days with DS at his house to suit his work and other family commitments and on top of that you wouldn't get a penny from him.

lemonstolemonade · 01/10/2024 21:16

Won't your son have clubs when he is a little bit older - my y2 child has a sports club in the week? I can't see how a rolling pattern
Is going to benefit your son long term. That's really tough.

SheilaFentiman · 01/10/2024 21:17

RaymondaHolt · 01/10/2024 21:14

No, much too long a commute. Can one of you move to facilitate 50/50?

OP stated he moved over an hour’s drive away to live with his new partner. So doubt he will want to move.

Original poster
Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 21:17

Both of our families are local to me - he moved away to live . Can’t imagine she will want to uproot her children and my life/support/work are all here.

OP posts:
RaymondaHolt · 01/10/2024 21:18

Sorry, missed update. If 50/50 is just a threat then he can be the one to move. He'd be travelling anyway won't he?

Rumpoleoftheballet · 01/10/2024 21:18

No. My friend's DD did that throughout her senior school years and it thoroughly wiped her out.

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