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Original poster

Is 90 min commute to school for 4yo ok?

95 replies

Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 20:34

Hey everyone, done a name change.

My son’s father has requested mediation as wants 50/50 shared care.

We split during my pregnancy and he moved over an hours drive away to live with new partner. He currently has DS 2 days out of 10, days changing based on his shift work. This has been fine (albeit frustrating for me) but I’m now concerned that our son will be due to start preschool then reception next year and think a 70-90 min commute each way (dependent on traffic) is not reasonable for him. I explained this to him and his reply was that he wants 50/50 care and will drive DS to school and back.

Does anyone have any experience of shared care/do people think this is a reasonable drive for a child this age?

thank you

OP posts:
Freixene · 01/10/2024 20:36

I think your ex will get sick of that first

ZeroFucksGivenToday · 01/10/2024 20:36

God no! That's awful. I'd hate that for an older child, but 90 mins at that age is really tough.

TickingAlongNicely · 01/10/2024 20:36

Frankly, I think your ex will soon bore of that commute on a regular basis

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4 year olds Behaviour & development Families Primary education
LozzaChops101 · 01/10/2024 20:38

So not fair on your kid. That’s awful.

AliMonkey · 01/10/2024 20:38

Too much for any primary school kid (and not ideal for secondary age either) but if care is split 50/50 then presumably you'd opt for a school that was about halfway between the two of you instead rather than one that's close to you but 90 mins from him?

TemuSpecialBuy · 01/10/2024 20:39

Id call his bluff.
No way is he driving 6 hrs per day and keeping that up for 15 years

Is he keen to be involved in your sons life or just keen to avoid CM?
If its the former I'd be a lot more positively disposed to coparenting amiably.
If its the latter id tell him to see me in court

Yougetmoreofwhatyoufocuson · 01/10/2024 20:39

Your child will be tired enough starting school without that commute on top. Is his father determined to never give you any money for him? He’s certainly not thinking of the child.

BaronessBomburst · 01/10/2024 20:39

Far too long. Four year olds are exhausted after a day at school anyway. You can't add a 90 minute commute on top.

NoWordForFluffy · 01/10/2024 20:40

AliMonkey · 01/10/2024 20:38

Too much for any primary school kid (and not ideal for secondary age either) but if care is split 50/50 then presumably you'd opt for a school that was about halfway between the two of you instead rather than one that's close to you but 90 mins from him?

How would they get a place in a school that neither parent is in catchment for?

Smartiepants79 · 01/10/2024 20:42

Something needs to change here.
It is not reasonable for a 4 year old to sit in a car for 3 hours a day just to get to school. It’s also not ok for him to attend a school that’s halfway in between and puts him miles away from any friends he might make. Never mind the logistics of applying for a school you live nowhere near or the likelihood of getting a place ( heads up - you won’t )
This scenario is all about what suits the adults and nothing about what’s best for the child.

Original poster
Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 20:43

My feeling is that he doesn’t want to continue paying CM. I’ve suggested he requests flexible working to have every other weekend off and potentially 1 night in the week/ a Friday night.
He doesn’t want to change his shift pattern as him and his wife work same shifts - she also has 2 children from previous relationship and current agreement means they get child free days at the same time.

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/10/2024 20:43

AliMonkey · 01/10/2024 20:38

Too much for any primary school kid (and not ideal for secondary age either) but if care is split 50/50 then presumably you'd opt for a school that was about halfway between the two of you instead rather than one that's close to you but 90 mins from him?

Because that's how school admissions work 🙄

Id start by stopping this rolling contact. Why is he only parenting when he isnt at work?

PlantDoctor · 01/10/2024 20:43

A stupidly bad idea.

GoldenSunflowers · 01/10/2024 20:44

That’s a ridiculous commute for a young child.

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 01/10/2024 20:45

I managed 45 mins each way at secondary age.. It was horrific for all... Except exh. He never did any trips.

The fuel costs alone were huge..

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 01/10/2024 20:45

Cms be cheaper than fuel for him imo.

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/10/2024 20:45

Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 20:43

My feeling is that he doesn’t want to continue paying CM. I’ve suggested he requests flexible working to have every other weekend off and potentially 1 night in the week/ a Friday night.
He doesn’t want to change his shift pattern as him and his wife work same shifts - she also has 2 children from previous relationship and current agreement means they get child free days at the same time.

How does he expect 50/50 to work? Week on / week off? Weekend and half a week / half a week and weekend?

iwonderifyouknow · 01/10/2024 20:45

He's an idiot

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 01/10/2024 20:46

Call his bluff and suggest a fortnights trial...

Original poster
Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 20:46

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/10/2024 20:45

How does he expect 50/50 to work? Week on / week off? Weekend and half a week / half a week and weekend?

Show quote history

He hasn’t said - I don’t think he truly wants it - think he’s just threatening it atm as knows I wouldn’t want it.

OP posts:
TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/10/2024 20:47

does he currently have him 1 night in 10 or 2?

Original poster
Flowermam7 · 01/10/2024 20:49

TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled · 01/10/2024 20:47

does he currently have him 1 night in 10 or 2?

2 in 10

OP posts:
WeWillGetThereInTheEnd · 01/10/2024 20:49

If I recall correctly, the rule of thumb for primary children with SEN was a maximum of 45 minutes each way. The view was that they shouldn’t be so tired by the time they got to school, they couldn’t benefit from their own education.

I wouldn’t be inclined to choose a school half way between you and ex - imagine a 45 minute drive each way, when DC gets invited to a play date or party for the rest of primary? Then, winter hasn’t really started yet - there could be floods, fog, ice, driving rain…..crashes, roadworks…Journeys could take twice as long on a bad day?

Elderberrier · 01/10/2024 20:50

I don’t see any court agreeing to an arrangement like that which is so clearly in the parents interest and against the child’s.

Dinosaurlover · 01/10/2024 20:51

It's too much, but presumably it would be a 30-45m journey each way instead as he'd go to a school half way between you both. Still too much, but not quite as bad.