Is 90 min commute to school for 4yo ok?

[Flowermam7]

Hey everyone, done a name change.

My son’s father has requested mediation as wants 50/50 shared care.

We split during my pregnancy and he moved over an hours drive away to live with new partner. He currently has DS 2 days out of 10, days changing based on his shift work. This has been fine (albeit frustrating for me) but I’m now concerned that our son will be due to start preschool then reception next year and think a 70-90 min commute each way (dependent on traffic) is not reasonable for him. I explained this to him and his reply was that he wants 50/50 care and will drive DS to school and back.

Does anyone have any experience of shared care/do people think this is a reasonable drive for a child this age?

thank you

How is your ex going to do the commute on the days he’s working? Surely it’s impossible to be at work and do 2 x 3 hour return trips every day?

agree to 50/50, week on/week off. See if he still fancies it. Call his bluff.

No way is this going to work I wouldn’t put a 4 year old through that. Not sure how it works in court but surely no judge would agree to 50 /50 in these circumstances. The fact that he is even suggesting this is appropriate implies to me that he does not have the child’s welfare at heart.

Surely the rolling ten day thing is inconvenient for you? It seems to be that you're the one doing all the compromising here. So he's really pushing it dictating this as well

No that's unacceptable. He could possibly pick him up on a Friday or drop off Monday morning but doing that journey more than once a week is too much

@NoWordForFluffy
@TheBottomsOfMyTrousersAreRolled
Just because admissions in your area would mean they couldn't get in doesn't mean that's the same everywhere. Only 2 of the 16 primary/infant schools in my area have a defined catchment as one of their criteria and they both took everyone who applied in catchment but also some outside the catchment area (but close in distance). Two others also filled all their places so relied on distance as a criteria. That leaves 12 schools who didn't fill all their places so basically took everyone who put it as their first preference (plus others who didn't get into their first preference). And I'd say that only 2 of the 16 were ones that I'd have preferred not to send my child to.

So it's not unreasonable to consider a halfway school. That way both parents could take them to play dates within 45 mins of their home - I agree not as ideal as being within say 15 mins, but that leaves them 75 mins away from the other. What's worse for the child - 15 mins journey half the time, 90 mins the other half, or 45 mins all the time? I don't think it's clearcut.

Having said that, obviously if the OP thinks this is just a tactic and will be short-lived then it's not a good idea, but if the dad genuinely wants 50/50 and would stick with it then a halfway school should at least be considered.

90 mins each way for a 4 year old - as others have said - just lunacy. Is he really just trying to get out of paying CM .

Since he was the one who left and moved an hour away I certainly wouldn’t be looking at a school half way. Why would you want to make your life harder? And with both families living locally there is more chance they might help out if you needed them. I would call his bluff.

And have no local friends at all? Ridiculous.

no its not feasible seeing as theyre could be traffic delays car braks down

youre probably rright about cms

I agree, that's very unfair on a four year old.

They may well wake up, have to immediately go to school, get picked up from school and be so tired they immediately need to go to bed when they get home, from exhaustion.

Where is their downtime?
Where is the quality time of the parent with the child?

Sat strapped into a car seat is all they will get. What happens when they need the toilet on the way?

It's probably not even good for their physical health to be strapped into a car seat for so long on such a regular basis.

Court might be the best option.

I'd say that I can't quite see how that would work in son's best interests either and that you obviously would prefer not to move to 50:50, but that you would be interested in understanding how a standard two weeks might run in either scenario. It seems a lot for a four year old to have to go to a school mid way where he knows no one, travel 45 minutes each way and move to 50:50 suddenly.

If I were you, I'd probably suck up the 90 minutes for two days if it wasn't always a weekday. There are ways it could be made easier. For example, he could take your son to an activity and dinner after school and clean his teeth in case he falls asleep in the car.

Due to being in a SEND school, my son does a 65-75 min commute each way every day and it is exhausting for him.

He's young and can't cope with the school transport so I drive and I personally find it absolutely shattering. I'd be very surprised if your ex would want to do that in reality.

But like you say, it's the wellbeing of your 4 year old that's your concern.

For context, when local authorities provide transport there is a journey limit of 70 minutes. If the journey is longer than that they won't place the child in the school. I know your DC doesn't have SEND but its possible that the schools / LA will take dim view of your ex's plan so that might be a bit of support for you!

Sorry OP. Crap situation.

my son has been catching a bus to school and back an hour each way since he was 4/5, he goes to a special school and there are none in our town, he leaves for school at 7:45 and gets home at 4:30, sometimes you have no choice xx

My friend lives 1.5 hours from her ex - her son aged 10 will do that commute after school once every 2 weeks (only has him every other weekend) and he goes back Sunday after his sports club. This is fine but absolutely no way would he be able to do that more regularly.

I'd think a school that far away from both addresses would be tricky to find as both houses would be out of catchment

I'd think a school that far away from both addresses would be tricky to find as both houses would be out of catchment. There are schools around 45 minutes from us where you could get a place quite easily. Not sure I'd want to send my DC, there's a reason they have spaces.

Whilst I agree it's too much, let dad decide.

I work as a passenger supervisor on a special school bus and regularly collect children well over an hour before school starts and equivalent drop off. The kids do get used to it. Many fall asleep, both on their way in to school and on the way home. ... I strongly suspect Dad will get tired of it more quickly than the child - **especially if he thinks it is benefitting you (Let him think he's doing you a favour, he's likely to hate that and get fed up more quickly

So its all about him. Has he ever even said anything about this being best for DS? My XH just kept going on about it being his right to have DC 50/50, never said a word about yue kids. I told him in mediation the only way he'd get that was from a judge and thankfully he didn't want to pay a lawyer or use up his precious down time doing that.

I'd offer some things at mediation like more time in school holidays. Does he usually have a weekend off every couple of weeks? If he does Id offer to be flexible there and given a decent amount of notice he can have him Friday-Monday morning on any weekends he's off up to 50% of weekends. You could offer same for school holidays, up to 50%, but define how much notice required. I think I'd want 2 weeks at least to give DS some certainty. If he usually doesn't work bank holiday weekends you could offer those.

Show you're cantering your child and his needs and working to support him having a good relationship with his dad in a way that won't be detrimental to DS. You can't really tell with the family court if you'll get a reasonable outcome, but I certainly wouldn't be agreeing 50/50 in mediation.

Make sure the agreement lays out that your address should be used for school applications so he doesn't try to apply for a school near him if he claims he has 50:50 with the LEA.

I don't understand why some pps are suggesting that the OP sends her son to a school a 45 minute drive from his home, why should such a small child have to spend so much time in a car every day, because his father moved and hour and a half away? Access isn't not about 'fairness' for the parents, it's whatever is in the best interests of the child, and a school nowhere near where he lives is not in his best interests.

If his father wants to be fully engaged in his life he needs to live a lot nearer to him.

yep he move away from hhis son so tough an his rolling shift doesnt help

What an arsehole.

I think that's a given

This is a ridiculous suggestion from your ex, with a clear financial (and malicious) motive.

However, OP, DON'T be fooled into thinking that "no court in the land would approve this" because some of the things they allow are truly ludicrous, particularly when they want to be seen to supporting Father's rights. I'm not convinced mediation would work, as your ex is already being hostile before negotiations have even started. Personally, I'd get some initial legal advice and take it from there.

Just say no and laugh it off. Don’t even entertain it. I’d ask if he was kidding and what serious arrangement does he actually have. I’d let him take you to court before that. They’ll see how silly it is.