Giving up a high paying job/career to be SAHM

[HJA87]

I would like to hear from those of you who have done as per the thread title. Why have you decided to become a SAHM and are you planning to go back to work at some point? Also what does your typical day looks like? I would ideally go back part time and have my kids look after by family on my working days but it doesn’t look like my work will let me reduce hours so I’m now considering taking some time out.

First thing - are you married? Being a sahm when unmarried means you're entirely financially dependent on partner's good will should you break up in future.

I think taking time out can be a good thing if it suits you, personally I'd go potty, I enjoy having adult company and a sense of the world outside my own four walls.

You also need to be wary of doing all housework if a sahm, it doesn't always revert to equality if you go back to work.

I stayed working tho work let me go part time. My pension thanks me !

i’d really push for part time or look to move roles then go part time.

Yes I’m married and although I’ve been off for a year on Mat leave, my husband dies his equal share of household chores (plus we have a cleaner). Tbh I can’t imagine it any other day as there’s v little time left between meals, cleaning after meals and playing with the kids/takibg them out to do anything else.

I did this. Absolutely no regrets. Fell into a corporate City job worked internationally round the clock I never went back after Mat leave. 7 years as sahm then set up my own business now earn what I did in my city job and much prefer the work. So for me it worked out. Have rock solid supportive Dh who valued me being at home while dc pre school and fully stepped up when I set up my business.

Housework is generally split evenly until children are school age. If you continue to be aSAHM once children are in school then it's reasonable that you pick up the lions share.

But when under 5, the week looks like this - music group, trip to park, forest school, library session, garden playdate, seeing grandparents. Almost no cleaning during my childcare time!

If it's just the few years before school, you won't drop a grade when returning to work and your husband can top up your pension then it's a no brainer for me. But if that's NOT possible could grandparents do a day a week childcare so you retain your grade but on an amended duties contract?

The potential issues with being a SAHM come from: leaving a profession that's incredibly difficult to re-enter at the same grade 5-15 years later; having no pension contributions during that time and being unmarried.

Dooooont doooooo iiiit

Being a sahm is completely different from being on maternity leave. You are defined by that choice and people have you justify it at every turn. You will not be earning money so will you still be able to afford a cleaner? The one wage - The Job - suddenly becomes the God of all things and everything you do has to be to protect that, so your H slowly stops doing things for that reason and because culturally men get used to that status quo very quickly (and who wouldn't want a wife at home doing everything? I would). You become the default parent for ever more. Your pension is fucked. Your career takes a massive hit. It is relentless and might send you mad.

Keep your oar in at the very least. However I'm sure you've made your mind up. I do think the kids benefit from it and it makes things easier when they are teens because they really know you (and you them) so they want to piss you off less.

Oh and it is hard but it is going so quickly and I love it!

What do YOU want if the pt option isnt open? How important is your job to you? What do you want your life to look like?
I didn’t give up my job (did go part time and career progression is on hold). Some of my similarly high earning colleagues gave up their jobs to be SAHMs. Some of my colleagues continued to work hard, did long hours still, had a nanny as well as nursery or grandparents etc. There’s no one camp that’s happier than the others, I think people are happy to the extent they are following their own dreams and inclinations.
I would say have another go at persuading your company to try p/t. Mine said no, I wrote a paper explaining why/ how I thought it would work, offered to take a pay cut, offered to do it on a trial basis, etc - to me it’s been 100% worth it, I love to get to be in both of these worlds.

I did this and have absolutely no regrets. My children are all 6 and under and I can see the value in it every single day. I personally think being a SAHM is massively undervalued by society. At some point in the near future my children will need me less and I will go back to work, but right now I love what I'm doing. I feel confident to return to my job as I've had a significant break from it and returned prior to being a parent.

We go out every morning either to meet friends, toddler groups, the park, days out etc. We then have a picnic lunch and come home after this for the youngest's nap. At this time the others watch TV and I catch up on jobs etc. In the afternoons they play at home, go on bike rides, go to the woods etc. We all like being busy and being sociable so this routine works for us

My advice? Dont do it.
I did, with someone I genuinely believed was honourable and trustworty…but then the relationship went to pot, we got divorced, he revealed himself to be an absolute asshole, and I am now in a low paying job due to long career break whilst my ex earns a fortune.
I really loved the time with my kids and I think they really benefitted, but I’m screwed now and facing an old age of poverty.

But why didn't your husband pay into your pension whilst you were not working?

Maybe he couldn’t afford to? My DH earned a good salary when he was working (now retired) but with all other outgoings he couldn’t have afforded to pay ££££ into a pension for me as well. I think I read that the amount an individual that’s not the beneficiary can pay in is tiny as well. I may be wrong on that though, I’ve been awake for ages and I’m shattered.

I did it some years ago for 5 years because dh worked away and we had no family in the area.
I didn't want them in nursery from the crack of dawn until the evening.
I loved it but it did get lonely at times.

My career never recovered, I have been in a low paid job ever since. My dh was and still is generous financially.
Looking back, would I make the same choice?
Yes I would.

I took one extra year of maternity leave with my second, but I didn’t like being at home all the time and I have no interest in housework or the house so I didn’t want to do it for longer. When I went back, I found working full time very tough and missed the children. Part time with good paid childcare and a cleaner was perfect for me. It took a while to find a good part time job though.

Anyone can pay in 2,880 net to a pension regardless of working status. Works out at £3,600 pa gross.

Not a great amount. My ex didn't do this. We are divorcing and my pension (I'm now Full time) is 40 times less than his and my earning capacity is screwed.

My only hope for a decent retirement is getting half of his pension in the divorce and a recognition of what I've 'lost' because of joint decisions made.

I'm not sure I can recommend being a SAHM .... my life is a ball of stress now.

How easy would it be to get another well paid job in your field is the first thing I would ask because you have to give yourself at least the option of returning to work should it not work out for many reasons. Look into paying into a pension to protect that aspect too.

I have been a sahm for 20 years, initially due to a relocation with Dh's work and then permanently when I developed a health condition. How was it? It was the absolute best decision we made for our family, but I never had a career, I had a job with decent pay but not like Dh's career and he significantly out-earned me.

At no stage did Dh ever take for granted what I provided for the children and the house in terms of organisation, cooking etc. He was grateful that he didn't have to come out of any meetings that had run over to collect a child so was able to progress his career. We used to share nursery drop offs and pick ups when I worked.

Discuss finances honestly. I have full access to all accounts and can spend what I want when I want but Dh and I have been together almost 30 years now so we were aware of my spending habits before the sahm part and we trialled the sahm situation for 6 months to see how we both felt. Dh was raised by a sahm who did everything. I am fortunate that Dh was a hands on parent from day one.

The negatives can be, everyone bar one Mum I am still friends with returned to work either full time or part time so it can be lonely. The longer you are a sahm the more people return to work. It can also be very monotonous with day to day drudge of housework and child rearing. There is no annual leave, there are no sick days and it depends on whether your Dh would drop everything to look after his child should you be too ill to do it. You see it on here lots about men swanning off to work leaving their wives on their knees, she is an appliance, annoying when she breaks down and doesn't perform.

Other people don't respect your decision or role as a sahm. Some husbands let go of everything and literally just work. All the child stuff, parenting and any house stuff gets left to the wife because she is home all day. Some husbands also make it almost impossible for their wives to return to work, they expect the same 100% housework and child stuff from a wife working either part or full time. I have seen this in real life and been on MN for 18 years where this is often reported.

Go into this with your eyes wide open and if you do it I hope it works out for you. For both myself and my other sahm Mum friend it has been a complete success.

Most people I knew who did that, even with the agreement of their employer to go back after a few years, never did. So you lose out on a lifetime's career progression and pension. Be very very careful.

As an absolute minimum you need full access to all the family money and pension contributions making in your name from the start.

How secure is your husbands job? If he became long term sick could you get back into the job market easily?

Even if he didn’t, she would’ve been entitled to a share of his on divorce. The problem for this poster sounds like her career never got going again and therefore she was not able to build up a decent future pension. Having your OH pay into your pension for a few years during a SAHM period is not going to give you a great pension in retirement

I initially went back to work part time but then left work due to family circumstances. I loved being a sahp. I did most of housework in week plus looked after ds of course. Dh did bath/bedtime every night. And we shared everything at weekend. Each got a lie in etc.

It was never a long term plan (I went back to work when ds was 5) so when I returned to work I doubled my pension payments to make up for a few years of not paying.

You need to check how long your National Insurance credits are covered as you may need to make voluntary contributions. Plus think about your pension. Your dh may have a large pot but if you split or he died young whilst you would get a pay out you could be slightly screwed in old age with out your own pot

I did. But I had my children very late and I was as far in my career as I was likely/wanted to get, and I was very ready for something new. And my dp and I both wanted one of us to be at home with our children-and I wanted it to be me. He worked very long hours, so couldn't do much during the week, but took over most of the childcare at the weekends. He didn't do much housework because I wanted him to devote what time he had to his children rather than doing the hoovering!

As others have said, for it to work you need full transparency of finances, it won’t work to have separate savings / income (as some others do and be given an allowance by him) as you are handing over full control.

Also, as someone else said, the dynamics of the household shift. The pressure is now solely on his job, you are there to provide childcare, do admin, cook, do housework (yes, you have a cleaner but you will be washing, cleaning up the kitchen, hoovering, tidying etc constantly). In some ways I feel like I work for him. My career will never recover and his has soared. Paying into a pension for you if often unrealistic as finances are stretched anyway, and tax wise very inefficient as he would save up to 60% at source by paying into his own instead.

I have, held a very senior marketing role, had baby and went back part time after nine months because I was going insane. I had severe postnatal depression and I wanted to escape the baby. Changed roles to be more part time, gradually healed over the course of a year with lots of therapy and then just before DC was two, I left my career. Turns out I love being a mum when I’m not suicidal!

In two years my child will be at school and my plan is to retrain in a totally different, less soulless career. I also hold a voluntary role so my time is full and my eye is on my long term career prospects. This is just a pause in earning. To be honest, if there was a part time route to retrain I would be going ahead with that but it’s not financially viable so I’ll enjoy two years with my lovely child and living at a gentle pace. I’ve never done that before, I’ve always been full throttle and it contributed to the postnatal depression. It’s been a big journey of self discovery!

I keep the days full with library visits, going swimming, to the park, soft play, toddler groups, my voluntary role (I can take my kiddo along to that), and we do housework together as my child actually bloody loves that. DC still does two days a week pre-school so I use that for my own reading and study and will soon be doing some work experience in my next chosen field (teaching) during that time.

My advice would be to look long term. I only gave up my job when I was willing to let go of my whole career and had my next step in mind. What’s your route back? Or would you stay at home long term? Or career change? The answer is obviously personal and subject to change but I would keep it in mind. And how would you carve out time for yourself, hobbies/exercise/time with friends?

I guess I’m almost a SAHM but work a few hours every week to keep my hand in. So very part-time. I don’t worry about our marriage but I do think if anything happened to my DH (he’s a bit older than me and had a couple of health scares last year) and I needed to step back up career wise, I want to be able to do that without any problems.

I did this and on balance I am so pleased I did. The options for me at the time were FT work with long hours (8-8 on the average day and often much later) so to work would have meant neither of us seeing our children at all during the week. That wasn’t what I wanted at all.

i did go back for a couple of years when they started school but again couldn’t bear being away so much, so I started my own business working part time.

Downsides are that I’ve earned much less over my career as a result (I was in a very high paying City job) and my career hasn’t been the glittering success I’d hoped for pre-kids. I found all of this took some getting used to-you need to recast your idea of success from “being the best/most recognised/best paid” and come up with your own notion of success which takes account of the decisions you’ve made.

I spent a long time fretting about all this and in retrospect wish I hadnt- my kids are young adults now and I’m so pleased that I had that early time with them and that I was able to balance career and family after that. My only regret is that I didn’t just enjoy it and wasted time feeling guilty or second guessing my choices.

This was nearly 20 years ago and I think the world has got a bit better in recognising the value of returners after a career break and in allowing wfh. In your shoes I’d do some research into what your options would be if you did become a SAHM for 5 years, say. Can you see a route back if you want one? Are there things you can do to keep up to date with your industry? (I did a PT masters while my kids were little and it really helped.)

So I’d say go for it. Despite all the above and all my fretting it was honestly the best decision I’ve ever made. Only caveat- all this relies on a rock solid marriage and a husband who values your contribution as a SAHM. Without that all bets are off.