Giving up a high paying job/career to be SAHM

[HJA87]

I would like to hear from those of you who have done as per the thread title. Why have you decided to become a SAHM and are you planning to go back to work at some point? Also what does your typical day looks like? I would ideally go back part time and have my kids look after by family on my working days but it doesn’t look like my work will let me reduce hours so I’m now considering taking some time out.

Another thing to consider is are you really sure you want to give up the extra wage? Depending on his income, it might mean giving up some luxuries like multiple holidays, eating out, new clothes, beauty treatments, nice food etc because it just can’t be justified / afforded on one salary. Also, you will need to keep some savings in reserve (at least 6 months of bill money if possible) in case he loses his job as you won’t be earning to cover these

No advice from me but found the responses really helpful.

One thing which is great now a days is depending on your industry there are lots of really good returners programmes at big companies

(In answer to your questions, I gave up work as I loved looking after my little one and I didn’t want to use childcare (no family help). X 2 children later and I’ve been out of work for 7 years, will be retraining in something very soon as youngest is at school. My typical day used to be school drop-off / sometimes preschool then toddler group / library/ seeing friends and family. Back home lunch / nap/ school pick up. Basically running round after children for 14 hours a day! Now have 6 hours a day free it’s crazy. Had a brilliant time but as per all the points above waved goodbye to career progression, a pension and my prospects a long time ago and now have to face the music and do something about it :))

I can completely understand why you don't want to return to the coal face and if you can afford to do it I know it must be so tempting.

But my strongest advice to you would be to find something manageable - part-time or '9 to 5' or on a consultancy basis - while your children are at home. Even if it's a lower status, lower paid role.

1. You keep your hand in/ skills current/ workplace confidence, etiquette, networks etc etc up to speed
2. You'll keep contributing to your retirement savings
3. The main reason: God forbid 'something happens' you can bump it all right back up again if you want/need to

I was a SAHM - my children are flown/ late 20s. I've always spelled it out to my daughters that they should always keep a toe in the working world. Being a kept woman leaves you vulnerable and limits your choices.

Keep your foot in the door and work part time. You'll need your pension in the future and to keep up to date with work skills. Friends who were SAHM found it very hard to return to work once they're tied into childcare, taxing children about, supporting partner to help him work etc.

I wouldn't risk it. You cant guarantee what the future holds. Your dh could lose his job, leave you or become too unwell to work for example. Why put yourself at risk like that

Been a SAHM for almost 18 years now, left a career behind and don't regret it. It wasn't a high flying career, as I wasn't at all interested in climbing high into management to start with so nothing lost.

I love being involved with all of the DC and being around for each of them. Started studying part time last year so I now have something for myself that's manageable to work around family life. Win win. Keeping my knowledge skills and CV up to date as they all work their way through the school system.

I wasn’t in a highly paid job but was married and DH earnt well. I took 7 years off with two children. Went back to work part time when youngest started nursery at 3. Were the best years and no regret. Had lots of adult company, dc had some mornings at a playgroup once 2yrs 9 mths( early 2000s) and are now both doing very well as young adults . It payed dividends in having no childcare costs, no sick day worries or holiday care plus just being with our children. Wouldn’t have had it any other way. We did buy a house that meant we could manage on one salary.

It’s too subjective to answer. Also how easy it would be to re start your career. I got lucky and set up my own business when dd2 started school which now makes more than my high earning Dh. Which is quite funny really boot is on the other foot!

I did it and it worked out ok for me, but looking back I realise I took a massive risk! I went back to work when my youngest started school, and I changed careers at that point and found an interesting professional job (although earning a lot less than my previous salary). But if I hadn't managed to do that - and I know people who haven't - then I might have ended up in a boring low paid job for a long time. Would those few short years with the kids have been worth it? I'm not sure they would.

Have to say I went back to work far more confident than before. The skills I learnt as a mother were invaluable. Don’t be put off by people saying you lose touch with skills. A few years is unlikely to make a difference.

I hate to the person who says think about your pension and the long game. I worked very part time for lots of years and I believe that's why I managed a stressful career for so long, and it was absolutely my priority to be at home for the children. But coming up to retirement is a reality check of what a diminished pension looks like and I find it hard to square all the years of turning up and commitment for what I'll receive. But you can not have it all ways. I'm not sure I'd have wanted to be completely reliable on my husbands wage though we are still together, tempting as it has been at times. Think about the plan for longer term.

Or I could get hit by a bus tomorrow morning and leave my DH behind to cope himself raising a family?🤷‍♀️

Life is one big gamble, it's how you weigh it all up that matters.

Don’t do it unless you are in a position where you can easily pick up your career and earning power again. I never gave up my job and fast fwd to today my DH has been diagnosed with a chronic health condition and might have to give up work soon. I am so glad I can carry is financially. I think giving up work is very short sighted for so many reasons.

I did this. Absolutely no regrets whatsoever.

.And I'm not sure I believe this notion that taking a few years off work is career suicide. I think thats just bandied about to frighten women into working . We work from 21 to 67 now, 46 years - a few years off won't make any difference.

Obviously you'll have less money though, that goes without saying. Although to be fair, it wasn't that much less when you took childcare into account. It really just mean we bought less "stuff" which is good for the environment anyway

It's not necessarily that you lose the skills. It's that employers typically don't like a long career break and don't value the role of SAHM. When you're ready to return to the workplace you may find it really hard to get a good job.

Personally I think part-time is best of both worlds but it depends on your personality I think. I'm not suited to being a SAHM, hats off to those who are but it's not for me, I like working, I do some volunteer work too that takes me out of the house a little too. Some people really thrive being a SAHP, but I think you need to be honest with yourself about whether that will be you. I also think being on maternity leave and being a SAHP to a toddler/preschooler are very different beasts.

After maternity both DH and I went to 4 days week for a few years until they started school.

It enabled us both to maintain our careers and have family time.

Tbh I would have been bored out of my mind being a full time SAHP for more than Mat leave.

Less money doesn’t just mean you buy less stuff.
At 50 we are mortgage free, have built good pension pots and are in the position to fund our children through university.

@StrongAutumn
"Being a kept woman leaves you vulnerable and limits your choices"

And would also be very demeaning and depressing if you think about it in those terms.......

Totally agree there’s an almost gleeful “you will be dooooomed” tone when this question is raised almost like hands are rubbed together at the prospect of you ending up crying by the side of the road clutching a baby 🙄.

My job was insanely intense - zero possibility of part time work day and night real all or nothing get on a plane type job. There was only one senior woman who had no children. So i never went back had 7 years entirely devoted to kids then built myself up to high earning again. No regrets if anything I would have regretted not having that time now they are mid / late teens.

Having been a sahm for a long time (and struggling now in my 40s to get into any kind of part time work) i agree with the 1st part to an extent and my husband has never did housework or made dinner or took kids to an appointment & it led to resentment as why did he get lots of “time off” where he wanted to lie in etc as he was “tired from working” when i never got any time off. He works hard, works a lot & earns decent enough money to allow the choice but i was always used to earning my own money and now crap holidays etc suck as the kids are older. We’ve had a lot of issues but have come through the bulk of them but resentment is still there to an extent. I need part time hours for a couple of years and then try to go full time when my kids are older teens. You certainly don’t have the luxury of swanning round coffee shops etc enjoying yourself in the early days - it is constant. It is exhausting especially when sleep deprived and it never ends and of the other few mums i know who did it even those whose husbands did more or “equal” with the first baby when number 2 came and they didn’t go back to work they feel into similar pattern as me having to do “everything” always backed up by the men of they are “working” & not seeing their wives as an equal.

my husband supported my choice initially and understood it when we then had twins (would have made more financial sense to give up then if i hadn’t already) but he was deluded that i was having a nice carefree life and then didn’t like the house taking a bit of a backseat. I had 3 under 4 and NO help. Thats partly why i did it - we don’t ever see his family as they live abroad and all of mine are dead. Lost my mum just before having my 1st which pushed me more to stay home and be around. I only ever imaginer it being 5-6 & did try to do agency work but my husband was never here! I was 5 days post elsc at home alone with the 3 of them.

i’m waffling on but it is hard (can you afford your cleaner etc still if not working?) and not a choice i think anyone should make naively. I’ve always felt that i made the right decision and what i wanted and my kids benefited. I’ve been to every parents evening, school show, awards ceremony, coffee morning, trip etc. i am there when they have appointments or are off sick with no stress of juggling & during covid my kids benefited and learned loads as i had time for school work and teaching them & we didn’t have the stress of work from home / childcare / losing money which i watched my friends struggle with. i wouldn’t change it especially in my circumstances (would have gone part time if my mum had been alive to help out a bit) BUT i would change how long its been for and where i am now so 🤷‍♀️

Quite. It really says something about the low regard people have for caring when even on a site like this someone would think of looking after children full time as being a “kept woman” a misogynistic term people usually use for a woman financially supported as a lover.

Do you have any annual leave left? If so could you use it to drop a day for a month or two?

While your current role doesn't sound a great fit, it is much easier to get a job from a job.

Can you start applying elsewhere? You may have to go back for a while if you've had enhanced maternity pay.

Perhaps drop a level if it would make part time easier. It's easier to negotiate this stuff when a company really wants you. You don't have the same bargaining power after a big gap out.

Sorry was trying to quote @CurlewKate