Giving up a high paying job/career to be SAHM

[HJA87]

I would like to hear from those of you who have done as per the thread title. Why have you decided to become a SAHM and are you planning to go back to work at some point? Also what does your typical day looks like? I would ideally go back part time and have my kids look after by family on my working days but it doesn’t look like my work will let me reduce hours so I’m now considering taking some time out.

I did. Largely because I home educate my DC. I still do a bit of freelance work.

Do I regret it? No. I hated working.

Absolutely no way I would do this!

... pressed send to soon...
You would be putting yourself in a very vulnerable position and making yourself hard to employ (or at least harder) if things changed and you needed to be a better financial position.

Whatever you do, don’t get sucked into the idea that your children will somehow need you less as they get older. I have older teens and the needs are just as high if not higher than when they were younger. The extracurricular stuff lasts longer and goes on later into the evenings meaning more running around to do, everything is much more expensive, they have more homework to help with, they wear more clothes meaning more laundry, they eat shedloads of food so more cooking and shopping, their need for emotional support is every bit as high as when they were little…they will always need you and you might find returning to full time work very very hard. From personal experience I’d really try to work part time.

I became a SAHM 18 years after a successful 20 year career in banking.

So many reasons why I made that choice.

I was 10 years into a happy marriage so trusted my DH . He was completely on board with me being a SAHM and he is a high earner.

We adopted after 10 years TTC so I was desperate by then to fully throw myself into the role of a SAHM . It was also a condition of the adoption of my first DC that I did not go back to work untll he had left primary education.

My career had allowed me to build up enough in investments to pay off my share of the mortgage so we have been in a good financial position from the start.

I really enjoyed it, was never bored as I always filled the day with activities and when they started school I did some volunteering and a few photography courses, took up running and other hobbies. I was very fulfilled and happy with life

Unfortunately the return to work wasn't possible , firstly due my DS having some mental health issues ( common with adopted children) and then due to Covid lockdowns and then my DD becoming seriously ill at the and of 2020.

I'm now 5 years from being able to collect my company pension , want to work now that my DD is in remission from her illness but no one will employ me ( even minimum wage jobs ignore my applications)

I still do my voluntary work but I feel I want to contribute financially.

This is the first time in 18 years that I've felt "redundant" and I'm finding that hard right now. I don't know if it's my age or the huge gap in my work history that makes me unemployable but it's not a nice feeling as it really doesn't feel that long ago to me that I was a well regarded manager in a Bank earning good money.

So yes being a SAHM can be wonderful and fulfilling but it's not without personal sacrifice.

Messed up the first line of my post - I became a SAHM 18 years ago after a 20 year career.

Could you take a career break to give you some time to think it over? Or be looking for part time work so you keep your foot in the door and keep earning some money? Some women are very happy to be full time SAHM but it's not for everyone and it seems to be very difficult to get beck in to work at the same level once you leave.

True. You do see quite a lot of post on MN though of women who have been left in precarious positions as SAHM's though. But I know I'm only likely to see the bad stories as opposed to the good.

I do find it so depressing to see so many posts being dismissive of looking after children as a meaningful thing to do. I suppose it's reflected in the low esteem nursery and early years practitioners are held in..

Really depends on your sector. If you're a GP say and can go back easily that's one thing, but other industries move on and you need to change career and spend many years getting back. In the latter case, if it's possible part time so much the better option even if it halts progression in that time.

Only if you're married, with full access to all shared income, and from that income, you continue your pension contributions. And your partner is genuinely happy with being the sole earner, and they have very comprehensive income protection. Do you have any option to do something to keep your hand in, like consultancy or free lance? Or look for another job which could be part time? I'm personally too nervous to ever consider doing nothing work wise.

I can't see any posts that are saying this? Just making the point that being a SAHM does put you at risk financially and career-wise, if the relationship ends.

I don't think the question is as simple as full time work or sahp. Not all work/jobs are equal.
It took me 11 years to qualify and part way through that I made the decision that what was best for me was going via the industry route rather than academic. Support for my mental health condition and as a parent if we were to be fortunate enough to have children was a driving force for this. The nature of my industry means I would find it very difficult to rejoin after a break and tbh it took some catching up even after the 13-15 months I took off as mat then sick leave. I went back on 80%. For me that was the balance that was right for me. My partner is in academia and would love to go to 80% too but the work load and expectations wouldn't change. Had I stayed in academia I would have become a sahp and retrained once ready. The role would have stressed my mental health and wouldn't have been compatible with the parenting.

I'm grateful for the flexibility my role gives me and how accommodating my employer is. I get to keep the career I worked hard to achieve and be the parent I want to be. What work/role would allow you to be the parent you want to be?

If your current position doesn't allow you to be the parent you want to be and the close alternatives wouldn't either I would be looking at a 5+ year plan of how it might pan out and see if that scares you or excites you. Discuss long term protection of your finances.

My mum worked part time back when part time workers in her industry didn't qualify for a pension. She overpaid as soon as she could and bought years. She has had to buy extra NI years to qualify for an almost full state pension. My dad is in a better position and combined they don't have worries. There are an ever increasing number of women, divorced with children, who have a precarious retirement ahead. The other thing to consider is finding yourself switching from sahp to parental carer or childcare for grandchildren. There's 11 years between me and my siblings. My mum was part time until we had all settled in primary school about 17-18 years in total. Her full time work was cut short and she had to retire early as my grandparents were requiring care and my sister needed childcare for her daughter. She did this for 12 years during which time her health took a hit and having spent all that time being the carer found herself needing care. Nearly 2 years on from that she is just getting her health back. If your plan is to build your pension pot later in life do factor in potentially having to provide care for your parents. For a year I provided care for my mum on my day off juggling my daughter too.

The other thing to mention is that this sort of decision can be ofter very shortsighted, kids are only small once etc.. but they won't be for long and the price you might pay for that decision could be life long (as apparent from some of PP posts).
My DC are nearly teenagers now and because I've stuck with my career I'm now in a position where our mortgage is nearly paid off, I earn a pretty high salary in a senior position, I have a very healthy pension pot, I can work mostly from home, I'm at home when kids go to school and when they get home, I can take them to activities after work. They do loads of clubs and we have nice holidays and days out. My work / life balance is excellent and I really love my job.
None of these things would have been possible if I had become a SAHM.

You have described my dream situation in a few years time! (Youngest is 4). This is a challenge to myself, late-ish 30’s, is it possible to achieve this in the next 8 years time. I want to go back to work, prove everyone wrong and achieve all this

I just want to say that your story is inspiring. Glad to hear your daughter is in remission and hoping your son is doing better mentally.

I never gave up my high paying career. I made it flexible and work around my child (which you can in many roles). Eg remote working, compressed hours, ending team meetings early / late so I can do the pick up. Several of my colleagues even bought small apartments in central London & chose nurseries (and schools) in nearby so they can pick up / drop off around work during the week. So it’s not a given any more that you need to be a sahm to manage a baby. Think carefully before doing this.

Myself and dh having marital issues and I’m scrambling to find a job. I had a really good job that isn’t as prominent now and I ended up in retail then ended up having to leave because all school absences etc were down to me and my eldest decided to become a school avoider🙈If you do become a sahm I’d recommend going pt or making sure you do a course a year to keep your cv fresh.

This.
My working f/t has allowed me to have my pick of house / school / childcare options.

This

I have 4 kids and work part time but because DH is a very high earner his job is always put first. I work mostly from home and my boss is flexible so it works out ok but you get very tired very quickly of always being at the bottom of the list.

The only saving grace for me is that I have my own money and can up my hours once the kids are older.

But you only need childcare because you work full time? So that doesn't make sense. Unless you're referring to your pick of education options?

My mum didn't work for my whole childhood and while she never expresses any regret, her retirement looks very different to my fathers (they divorced when I was a teenager). It affected me a lot and so I've always worked full time. We are immigrants so don't have anyone else here, my husband travels for work a lot and we have two kids but I've been able to make it work for 11 years now. I am grateful to have a job I like and a lovely boss (and very grateful for the increased post covid flexibility!) so I am very aware I'm quite lucky but it has always been important to me that I wasn't financially reliant on anyone else.

A friend of mine has just taken early retirement (her children are 12/5 and her husband has a crazy busy super well paid job) and the important bits were that they were mortgage free, have great life and disability insurance and could continue to afford their life without making huge changes - they still have holidays and the kids can have their activities and she can get a new dress if she fancies it. They don't split finances at all so there's no discussions about who owns what and are total partners in making their life work. This setup would be the only way I'd begin to feel comfortable about this choice as she has no intention or need to return to work.

High earners often use childcare regardless of whether we work or not. But the type of things I can afford because I’m working is very different compared to just one salary.

I have always valued bringing my children up more than ‘things’. Everyone is different so go with what you feel is right OP.

You think parents choose to work so they can buy themselves “things”? 🥹