Telling my wife’s sister child off

[Hillwood2012]

I am writing on this forum to get some clarity, last night my wife’s sisters daughter who is nearly 7 was over for a sleep over and she started to have a massive argument with her mum in my house…. It started to get worse over time… she was attacking her and swearing eg F word and S word really loud punching my walls at this time. I was upstairs with my 7 month old baby trying to keep her away from the shouting. Then my wife, sisters daughter came upstairs shouting…. I told her Nicely if you want to do this please go down stairs….. then she came and screamed in my face and my daughter face at a high pitch scream…. So I I lost my temper and shouted at her to go down stairs now as I had listen to her screaming for ages at this point and she was running rings around everyone…. And it was getting late…… and now everyone is at me saying I’m the bad guy as I just wanted her to stop as she was scaring my children

You're not the bad guy. Someone should have brought her downstairs if she was making lots of noise, they knew that you were with a baby who needed quiet.

Well I would have sent her home so in my mind you were quite restrained. I do have zero tolerance for brats though. A screaming, tantrumming 6yo would not be staying in my house regardless of the relationship. The fact that people are trying to make out you are the bad guy says a lot about the standards of behaviour being accepted.

Your niece? Why do you call her your wife's sister's child?
No you were not being unreasonable to tell her off probably shouldn't have shouted back, it defeats the object if you're telling her it's not ok to shout because it scares your children.

Well yes, you lost your temper and shouted at a child. That isn’t acceptable.

But what is going on with your niece. Is this her norm? Does she have special needs? Her Mum should have been dealing with it. Do they live far away?

She should have been removed promptly from your house by her parent. I am not surprised you shouted, I expect I would have done similar under the same circumstances as nobody was showing any regard for your child in your property.

Yes I completely agree, I shouldn’t have shouted at her. I didn’t mean too my 7month old baby jumped out of her skin and was so scared… I believe it was just a split second reaction…. As I was just trying to protect my own child….. I don’t know if she has special needs but I know she has anger issues and she only acts up in front of her mum…. If her father was there she doesn't do it….. they did eventually they did go home and as they started to have ago at me and said I scared her…. Which maybe I did but it go her to stop.

I'd have probably shouted at someone if they hadn't listened to my gentle request to leave my baby alone and had instead come right up to me making horrible noise.

It's not your problem to fix but I really for that child's sake that the parents are trying to get them some help for their behaviour.

You were 100% in the right. It’s your home which she nor her mother have any respect for and your baby. What’s your wife saying?

You probably did better than me. I would have told them both to go home - now. You should be allowed to set boundaries in your own home.

My wife says I shouldn’t of shouted at her which I take on and agree with… but I then had threats from her father saying I’m an animal… which I think is contradicting as his child is the one who was acting like the animal…. Now my wife’s sister is saying my wife and my children can’t see them anymore…. It dosent bother me but I do feel for them as they was close…

Good! The niece sounds feral

Ask your wife what was the alternative?

There’s a difference between being loud and firm and shouting. One can be effective if you rarely raise your voice. The other shows you’ve lost control and, as an adult, you need to find a way of calming down before this point (easier said than done) I think body language is important too. Were you standing/walking calmly or did you run out of the room and shout in her face? First is fine, second is very frightening and not going to help an emotionally disregulated child. Fire and fire = a bigger fire.

This, said firmly (and loudly if needed), would be fine IMO. There are clear instructions for Emily. “Emily, you need to go down stairs. Your shouting is frightening the baby and that’s not kind”

That’s what I did in the first instance but she came at my face with my little baby and high pitched screamed and told me to F off and s up and that’s why I shouted… I didn’t chase her I stayed put and she ran away…

Sounds like it worked. She's not your DC and I'd have just wanted her away from me and my DC if she's behaving like that.

She said I should of stayed quite… but anyone in that’s situation and listening to it for quite some time… wouldn’t say quite

You wouldn’t have needed to shout of her mother was parenting her more effectively. Why did she let her out of control Dd come upstairs without following her so at the point she tried to come into your room she could have removed her? Sounds to me like some distance from them would be good all round, i wouldn’t want the kid or her mother back in my house.

Don't fall fall for the BS. They are probably trying to make it all your fault now so they have to discipline your wife's DN. I bet she went down straight away once you told her off. Don't let them get away with it. The problem is your wife's DN behaviour. I would say until they parent her properly, she is not allowed sleepovers in your house. All that screaming is not good for your baby.

You’ve got a dw problem.
She should have your back on this.

I’d take that as a win.

She's been in the world 7 years and you much longer and you got down to her emotional level. You shouldn't have shouted and you should say sorry. Yes the child sounds unhinged but you all sound useless to help her cope with her emotions

You didn't need to stay quiet. You could have taken her downstairs and back to her parents calmly and firmly. There was a middle ground here.

I wouldn’t say sorry to a feral 7 year old.
The op calmly asked her to go downstairs and the dc was really rude. No it’s not ideal to shout but the op isn’t super human.

It was on the parent to stop the dc coming upstairs. She should be apologising to the op. I’d be mortified if a dc of mine screamed around a baby.

I think some people are expecting a lot from the OP who isn't the child's parent and isn't responsible for helping her with her emotions. It sounds like he was rightly prioritising the baby he was holding.

I had a baby in my arms and she was attacking everyone so I don’t think trying to Carly take her downstairs was the best option to be honest and I was going to leave my baby upstairs on her own after what she just encountered