Telling my wife’s sister child off

[Hillwood2012]

I am writing on this forum to get some clarity, last night my wife’s sisters daughter who is nearly 7 was over for a sleep over and she started to have a massive argument with her mum in my house…. It started to get worse over time… she was attacking her and swearing eg F word and S word really loud punching my walls at this time. I was upstairs with my 7 month old baby trying to keep her away from the shouting. Then my wife, sisters daughter came upstairs shouting…. I told her Nicely if you want to do this please go down stairs….. then she came and screamed in my face and my daughter face at a high pitch scream…. So I I lost my temper and shouted at her to go down stairs now as I had listen to her screaming for ages at this point and she was running rings around everyone…. And it was getting late…… and now everyone is at me saying I’m the bad guy as I just wanted her to stop as she was scaring my children

7yo and her mum should have been packed off out of the house long before it got to the stage of you shouting.

Yes, ideally you wouldn't shout at a child and you'd deal with them calmly and firmly. But there were two children in this situation - the baby and the 7yo - whose needs required balancing. I don't think you were wrong to shout at the 7yo - who was after all behaving violently and uncontrollably - to protect the baby. I don't rate shouting as a method of discipline but you weren't trying to discipline her, your focus was getting her away from the baby.

I would absolutely shout at my child if they were about to run across a road without looking/waiting for me. I have shouted at my child when they were about to push another child off a swing (child had pushed in front of them but it would have been dangerous to do this). I would definitely shout at my child if they were putting a smaller child at risk, and I wouldn't blame the parents for doing so either. Get them away from the situation, ensure everyone is safe and then talk about it later.

Yanbu
Somebody had to take charge of the situation. The child needed to be reined in and settled down.

Your wife backing your sister and her husband saying you should have let your niece is pretty disgusting in my opinion. She should be protecting your child not her bratty niece.

I wouldn't be willing to have any of them (niece, sister in law or brother in law) back in the house until their kid could behave appropriately.

Also I'm your position I would absolutely have stepped in too. You're not in the wrong.

No one ever told me off as a kid. I was an utter fucking nightmare - didn't mean it, just utterly didn't understand a single social boundary at all. Now, I make sure to tell mine when they're being total dickheads. They., as a result, not only are total wonders of manners, but also know boundaries with other kids/people who don't have any manners etc. They don't put up with being treated like shit, and also don't treat others like shit, because.

Just would like to let everyone know me and my wife have spoken and she agrees that I shouldn’t of shouted as loud as I did, but understand why I did what I did… and from the sounds of the message she is getting from her sister, she has made it lots of different stuff up that never happened… so in the end I was right to do what I had to do to defend my little 7 month old girl…. I am a father and will protect my child who is vulnerable to a 7 year old at all cost. She isn’t welcome back around me anymore or in my house.

You are not in the wrong here. It's ridiculous to allow a child to get away with such behaviour.

Good riddance. I'm more concerned about your wife's reaction and expectation that you keep quiet and pander to a spoilt brat and her sisters poor parenting. It's unacceptable for a 7 year old to be cursing and acting like that and keeping quiet will just make it worse.

Good for you for setting those boundaries early and if they want to cut you off that's their problem.

Your wife can go maintain a relationship with them if she wants outside of your home.

Really?

Maybe the parents should parent and stop raising a spoilt feral child instead of pandering and "keeping quiet".

Not ur fault at all. Kids clearly has no boundries and gets to do as she wishes. Absolute brat. Sick of people assuming if a kid is being a brat he she must have special needs. I would have shouted even worse at her if she screamed in my 7 months old face too. Says more about her family letting her get away with that behaviour than it does you retaliating. Good for you. Don't let them make u feel bad. And don't allow any more sleepovers. The other family want to stay away good riddance and if ur wife thinks ur out of line get rid of her too if she thinks the niece is more important that her baby

I do feel for your wife @Hillwood2012. She’s trying to deal with split loyalties and her sister isn’t giving her an inch.

ultimately your sil has to take responsibility for her and her DD’s actions. If she can’t and is just making things more toxic then your poor wife is having her loyalty and love manipulated. Point this out to her and (if you agree and mean it) that perhaps if her sister were to swallow her pride then you could apologise for the shouting. But only the shouting. The rest of it is completely on them including your sil’s dh stomping in to wave his testicles about.

I feel a bit sorry for DN, I think at 7 years old it's not her fault she's behaving this way it's her half wit parents fault and they're who should have been shouted at. Poor kid is going to end up with no friends if she carries on like that. I don't think you were wrong for shouting in the moment but it's definitely her parents you should have lost it with.

Slight tangent here but on the odd occassion I've watched a soap I always feel really uncomfortable when they're acting out a blazing row with a dc in their arms.
What parent allows their dc to be used for these scenes?

the reason why I have named them they way I did is because I am not blood related to her on via marriage as if it was from my side of the family I would of referred to her as my niece

You clearly don’t like them and want to distance yourself from them.

Yes, the behaviour sounds awful, but it also comes through that you have no empathy for them, no interest in them, and didn’t want them to be there.

It would be more normal to (at least try to) embrace your wife’s family as part of your own family. To refer to you wife’s sister as your sister in law, and to feel some connection to her. For your wife’s sisters child to be your niece, and for you to feel the same way about her as you would if you were ”blood related” to her.

Do you have siblings? Do you have “blood related” nieces or nephews?

That sounds like a result if they all stay away from you and your family.

No more sleep overs or visits until little Verrucca can respect you, your home and your baby. (And everyone’s ear drums recover)

Don’t feel bad . Her behaviour was disgusting, swearing at you and hitting your walls and doors. She acts like that because she knows she gets away with it as her useless parents are pathetic at controlling her behaviour.

She isn’t welcome back around me anymore or in my house

Isn't it your wife's house as well?

Yeah it is our house, my house for context really.

Count yourself lucky that you don’t have to deal with those people again. I would consider reporting this little girl’s behaviour to CPS as it’s really not normal. Judging from her Dad’s behaviour it sounds like aggression might be a very common occurrence in her home.

Yeah I do embrace them and have empathy but when it comes to my own children especially an 7 month old not I don’t and I do have blood related niece and nephew…. Just easier as if it was my side of the family I don’t think thing would have escalated….

If she goes around screaming in peoples faces, she’s going to get shouted at a lot more during her lifetime. Not everyone is going to be so gentle, her parents are setting her up for a fail if they believe that. Her Mum should have taken her home, in fact this should have been agreed prior to her coming. My sisters child did this once in my house, it was really bad. We only have days out together now, no sleep overs etc. because my kids should feel comfortable in their house, end of.

As an adult, perhaps you could have stayed a tad more regulated but it sounds that was quite difficult to do with a babe in arms.

I think it’s about time that people started disciplining naughty and quite frankly annoying children. Children have been given far too much power.

I mean in your example alone, at least two other adults witnessed your nieces screaming and swearing, punching and disrespecting of your property and they allowed her to simply continue. Someone needed to stop her and you lost your temper. I don’t blame you. She stopped, so it worked and now she’s a little scared of you, so if she does come back over, you know she’s always going to behave 👍

And if she doesn’t come back over, bonus, because I certainly wouldn’t want that behaviour in my home.

For me the unreasonable part is that your wife and her sister shouted at you. I do hope that wasn’t in-front of your niece, else she’ll just think she was in the right with her bratty behaviour.

Baby or no baby present, a seven year old will not act like that in my home. You didn’t hit the child, you shouted and it sounded like the shock was deserved.

Don’t apologise.

You should never shout at children, but we all
shout at children. What you did was very minor compared to the shit show going on around you, for which you deserve a full apology.

If she is badly affected by shouting, we know where all the shouting is coming from and it’s not you. They are having a laugh having a full blown shouting match then telling you off for raising your voice.

Please cut it out, I wouldn't have sympathy for people who allow their child like that and when get upset when the child is told off. I love the way mumsnet always tries to play the "you don't really like them" card.

A) I am not Mumsnet. It’s not actually a hive mind.

B) I don’t particularly have sympathy for the relatives either, but I think it’s incredibly clear from OPs language how much he has disassociated from them, and suspect it’s really bad for his marriage.