Telling my wife’s sister child off

[Hillwood2012]

I am writing on this forum to get some clarity, last night my wife’s sisters daughter who is nearly 7 was over for a sleep over and she started to have a massive argument with her mum in my house…. It started to get worse over time… she was attacking her and swearing eg F word and S word really loud punching my walls at this time. I was upstairs with my 7 month old baby trying to keep her away from the shouting. Then my wife, sisters daughter came upstairs shouting…. I told her Nicely if you want to do this please go down stairs….. then she came and screamed in my face and my daughter face at a high pitch scream…. So I I lost my temper and shouted at her to go down stairs now as I had listen to her screaming for ages at this point and she was running rings around everyone…. And it was getting late…… and now everyone is at me saying I’m the bad guy as I just wanted her to stop as she was scaring my children

I find it quite concerning that a 7 year old was screaming swear words. My kids didn't even know the F and S words at 7. I certainly don't know any children who'd scream at their mothers in someone else's house and certainly not kids who'd scream at other adults!!
This really doesn't seem to be normal behaviour. I think either she has some type of condition that leads to her having meltdowns - or she's growing up in an abusive household where people scream swear words at each other. Which do you think it is?
No, I don't think you were wrong to shout when a child had been screaming in your house for a long period of time. It's not ideal but you're only human.

I think you were perfectly reasonable! Your niece was displaying violent behaviour, which you had already moved your own baby away from. Ask your wife if she’d have preferred you to intervene before or after your baby was hit by this horrible child? She should never have been allowed to reach you and your baby upstairs by any of the adults who were ‘supervising’ her downstairs.

I suspect you’re being blamed for her own parents’ inadequacies. Poor diddums came downstairs crying because the nasty man shouted at her, doesn’t matter what she was doing to deserve that 🙄

She was an immediate threat to your baby, so you shouted at her to remove her, and it worked. Her ‘emotional regulation’ wasn’t your priority or your responsibility at the time.

Missing the point but why not refer to them as your sister-in-law and your niece ?

I also wondered how a 6 year old knows a load of swear words.
I think the posters judging the OP for shouting at the child must be polishing their halos right now.

The OP had already asked the child nicely to stop and it didn't work. What else were they supposed to do in the heat of the moment?

Your reaction was fine, the mum could not manage her so you did. The kids a brat. Forget about it and enjoy it when they leave.

People need to understand that their kids WILL get shouted at , especially when they're displaying behaviours like this. Sometimes it will be in anger, sometimes in fear , sometimes in alarm, but it will happen.

If you can't control your kid, you definitely can't control the reaction of others to their behaviour.

It's a good lesson to learn that if you get in people's faces shouting and swearing at them, you might get shouted at back(and that's the best case scenario).

Why does that matter? I refer to my DH nieces as “my husbands nieces”.

its funny how it always turns on the in law. My dad often says now when there’s something going on in my mums family ‘I’m staying out of it because I’ll only end up being the biggest c**t in the world if I say anything’ and it’s not right but unfortunately that’s the way it usually goes with in-laws. The blood family can say whatever they like but the focus of the problem moves from the problem itself (in this case the child) to the in law as soon as they say boo. Its insane and usually a defence tactic to take the heat off the original problem.

for the record again I don’t blame you at all. If the baby hadn’t have been there maybe you’d see their point because you could’ve just got up and walked out but it’s your home and more importantly it’s the baby’s home. If someone scared my baby I would be livid. Maybe your wife’s family’s lack of boundaries goes a way to explain why the child is like that in the first place

Honestly the reason why I have named them they way I did is because I am not blood related to her on via marriage as if it was from my side of the family I would of referred to her as my niece…. Thank you to everyone who has posted on my forum…. I need clarification and it definitely has help me realise that I’m not a bad person I’m only human and more people understand why I did what I did….then tell me it was wrong….. and I am sorry but children need discipline…. And to be told off once in a while…. If you watch the news children as young as 13 years old are running rampant around our town doing unthinkable stuff…. And it is because our children not being told no or it’s wrong to act this way…..

You did nothing wrong in my opinion, my sisters daughter was here the other day and she started kicking off screaming, hitting her mum etc because she didn’t want to go home, she is also pregnant and was visibly getting upset so my OH came in and firmly told her ‘that is not how we act in this house, and it was not nice how she was treating her mother’ she stopped said sorry to her mum and put her shoes on etc, he said to my sister afterwards ‘i hope you didn’t think i was out of line there’ and she said ‘no its your house and it worked so thank you’ xx

That child sounds like an out of control brat and i think your response , whilst maybe not your finest hour, was reasonable given the circumstances. Her mother really ought to be teaching her how to behave at home until she becomes a civilised child and able to socialise nicely.

@Hillwood2012 Hope your SIL's reaction means you won't have to put up with a badly behaved brat screaming and swearing in your house again. Your wife should be protecting your 7 month old baby over a spoiled 7 year old too. That child wouldn't be welcome back in my house until the behaviour was completely stopped.

No. Bollocks to that.

your niece was behaving badly, it had gone on too long already and when the kid turned on you f-ing and blinding at you and screaming in your face - in your own home? - nah, too bloody right she gets told off.

your wife telling you that you’re in the wrong is out of order. As parents at some point we lose control and shout. It doesn’t make you a shouty parent it makes you a parent who shouted.

sure it needs to be something that doesn’t happen all the time, but sometimes it’s needed.

did your shouting stop your niece? Sounds like it. Then fine.

your SIL/BIL AND niece perhaps will be more careful about how they behave in future. And tell them that if they think they can come round to your home and behave like that, they’re mistaken. They were in the wrong and should be embarrassed. Apologise for shouting, but it did the job and hopefully this will never happen again in your home.

id be very disappointed in my OH if he piled in on the side of the niece/sister

What was your wife doing ? Staying quiet wouldn’t have helped - does your wife expect your baby to endure this treatment from her cousin too? I wouldn’t expect my child to endure this behaviour from another child and encouraging it is going to create a doormat which isn’t fair on your child.

Between the two of them, they should have separated niece from the baby. I understand it’s hard and they are trying not to escalate things but a baby needs protecting and your wife should be standing up for her daughter.

The kid swearing like that indicates to me that sil and BIL have blazing rows swearing at each other all the time. They’re all triggered and projecting because of THEIR behaviour and shitty parenting, not yours @Hillwood2012

@SallyWD this! I have a very clear memory of being 7 and my Mum making me brush my teeth with soap because I'd said the word 'bloody'! I dread to think what the reaction would have been if I'd have been dropping f bombs! And my brothers and I would never have dared to behave so badly, whether in someone else's home or our own.

A sad indictment of your SIL/BIL's parenting standards. Do not apologise. In fact, you should insist that both you and your 7 month old receive a genuine apology from all involved (but particularly your niece), before any of them are allowed into your house again.

Why don't you call her your niece? Is there some sort of estrangement? YANBU if any child comes to stay at this house, family or not, I reserve the right to tell them off if they misbehave. If that's not ok they can't stay.

Just read your update on calling her your niece. Not blood related doesn't make her any less of a niece imo but maybe that's just me.....

What rubbish. He did nothing wrong. The child was out of control and not being managed by any of the adults present. He had his hands full with his own baby and shouting removed her from the situation.

You were most definitely not being unreasonable! The way I see it is once you get married, you all become family so you also get an uncle status. You're niece shouting and behaving like that is not ok and needs to be corrected! If my child was acting wild, I would not be upset if the family corrected them (no hands though) and vice versa. You are human and at the end of the day you tried to restrain yourself but people lose their shit and that's what happened. The family should not be cornering you.

You were more patient than I would have been when our children were babies. I’d have sent them packing much sooner. You’re not the bad guy at all.

.........and I wasn’t going to just sit there and let some jumped up little s do that to my house

Isn't it your wife's house, too?

BTW the child is still your niece, whether she's on your side of the family or your wife's.

If I had a 7yo effing and jeffing in my house I would have asked the mother to take her home. Screaming at you and baby - anyone would lose their temper eventually, especially if you are holding a small baby. It’s never great to shout but I don’t think I’ve met anyone who’s never lost it. Not ideal to have done so, but then what life throws at you tends to be not ideal.

You did nothing wrong! I would have shouted at any child if they behaved and acted like that especially in front of my young baby.

your wife needs to take a look at herself as to why she is siding with her sister rather than you who was protecting her child.

no 7 yr old should be acting like that, that’s a child with no discipline or boundaries in their life!