DH wants to pull daughter out of preschool

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DD has just turned 3 and had her first day at preschool today. She was great at drop off and absolutely loved it. She has been excited to go for ages.

DH has been saying for the past 2 or 3 days that he doesn't want her to be at preschool. Saying he wants to treasure every moment, and he doesn't want her looked after by strangers.

It's hard for me to let DD go too, I was in floods of tears after dropping her off this morning. But, we decided to send her for good reasons (mostly the opportunity to make more friends) and I don't want to just pull her out because we're feeling emotional.

I'm annoyed that DH left it so late to say anything. He says it's because he has ADHD and he just doesn't process things in advance. He's very down and it's compounding my mum guilt about being apart from DD.

I don't know what to do. Should I keep DD in preschool against DH's wishes?

He is definitely sad at his day with DD being shortened. The preschool only offers four set patterns of hours, none of which were ideal for us. I will talk to him about potentially changing the pattern though, and see if that helps.

Ironically I was leaning towards a preschool which was more flexible, but DH wanted this one because it's such a good preschool!

Your partner sounds incredibly controlling.

And what "values" are you worried they might teach him? Might be worth checking out the EYFS which is basically the "curriculum" for this age group, lots of info on the government website.

Once dd is settled then see if they can swap the 3 hours over to 2 full days if that would suit better?

She's best off going as shell find it much easier to settle at school if she goes for this year

They talked about a preschool that was for less than 15 hours, surely freeing up a day if he wanted it but that wasn’t good enough for him and he wasn’t happy with it.
He just doesn’t want her to attend at all even though he only looks after her 1 day.

What are your values that preschool might undermine?

Sounds a bit weird if you chose this preschool

That doesn't sound good. Is he suddenly going to decide she needs to be home schooled just before she starts reception?

But being exposed to different 'values' or different ways of life is part of being human! It's important for kids to see how things work outside of their own family circle. Nursery has some different rules to us at home and that's fine, because that's just how life is.

but he also doesn't want strangers looking after her. He says she will always be safest with her own family and preschool might teach her values that are different from ours

This sounds worrying. Is he very religious?
Why does he think she won't be safe at pre-school?

How is he going to cope when she goes to school? Is he planning to home educate her?

No one is lining up at work unless they're in the military, and they're not lining up at school unless they've been transported to Victorian times.

We used to queue in the canteen when we had one

Yes, but that was during the selection process and at the time the DH was all on board with the 15hrs one.

The DH didn’t know & say he didn’t feel right about it until 2 days before the DD’s first day.

”DD has just turned 3 and had her first day at preschool today.”
“DH has been saying for the past 2 or 3 days that he doesn't want her to be at preschool.”
”I'm annoyed that DH left it so late to say anything. He says it's because he has ADHD and he just doesn't process things in advance.”

So a different preschool with fewer hours has not, afaik, been revisited given his recent wobble.

Yes, I was wondering this too. ‘Safest with her own family’ and ‘values different from ours’ sounds quite controlling, to be honest.

You are also lucky that your DD has been able to be looked after by family up until now. Not everyone has grandparents willing/ able to do childcare, for example.

Just don't send her in on Fridays so your DH can spend all day with her.
The nursery will still getting the full funding/fees.
Win win.

Though your DD will probably prefer going to nursery so might be disappointed on Fridays

Are you having one child only?
In which case I do understand it might be harder to see them grow up and start appreciating the world outside of their home and their parents.
But don't worry, you've got years and years of childhood ahead of you.

I expect your DD will absolutely love pre-school, it will be great for her development, it's a very exciting time as she is free to explore toys and activities away from her (helicopter?) parents.

I think you both need to see how she's enjoying it before switching things around or stopping. Preschool they learn a lot including how to manage peers interaction etc.

A side note but if she's August then you can look into school deferral. It's much more common and accepted in Scotland (DS1 is Jan baby which is the equivalent of a early August in England due to our school year). There's quite a few studies into it.

I'm a sahp and loved having dc home full time. But it was obvious by the time dc was three that they needed to play with other children and the best way I could enable that was using preschool. DC loves it. We started off only three mornings a week but dc asked to increase the hours so now we do 15 hrs over three days. I think it's a good balance of preschool time vs still allowing time for us to go on day trips etc.

Does your husband do a lot with her? I agree with pps that maybe it's worth doing a full day instead of all half days so he can still have a full day with her.

Will he demand that she be homeschooled too? Teachers are also strangers.

How is she ever going to build relationships with other trusted adults if she is never given the chance? They don't stay strangers for long.

He magically comes up with concerns when there was discussion. And now you're thinking about how to alleviate those worries. No. If he wanted something different he should have said. If he wants it now, he needs a plan. And that plan can't be allocating your time.

And the values stuff is weird. What values are preschool workers foisting on little children?

Realistically, your daughter will be starting school soon, where she's going to be taught and looked after by people you and your DH don't know, and where she's going to be introduced to people and values from across society. Her attendance at pre-school gives you and your DH an opportunity to develop your own skills at managing this - avoiding it by taking her out isn't going to help prepare her or either of you for what's coming.

Presumably you've met at least a couple of staff members at the pre-school already, and you'll get to know more by being pro-active in engaging with them at pick-ups and drop-offs, through engaging via learning journals, etc. These aren't strangers skulking on street corners, they're pre-school teachers with relevant DBS approvals. Presumably as part of your selection process, you'll have read up on things like the pre-school's safeguarding and staffing policies - but if not, then you can always contact the pre-school and ask for a copy of it.

Nurseries and pre-schools are used to helping anxious parents. Let them know that you and DH found it hard, and see what they suggest.

3 hours is not something that means he can't do something else with your daughter for the rest of the day. There's loads of time left for fun at breakfast, fun on the way to pre-school, an activity or trip to the park in the afternoon (if he drives, there's a big radius of places to have fun), and family time in the evening. He's also got 3 hours to either do jobs that need doing, enjoy a hobby, sit and have a coffee in peace, or (if he prefers) sit outside the pre-school crying in his car.

What your DH is proposing has negative consequences for you and your daughter, and for him.

Teachers at formal school will be strangers to.

That's hardly any time at all and yet she will get so much out of it. Socialising. Making friends.

How is going to cope when she goes to school? I'm sorry but he's an idiot.

Tell him it’s disruptive now for her to leave again

a psychologist might wonder if he’s having his own memories triggered about starting school. Did he hate it? Struggle? Miss his mum?