Page 3 | DH wants to pull daughter out of preschool

CadburyChocolate · 2024-09-09T19:19:13+00:00

DD has just turned 3 and had her first day at preschool today. She was great at drop off and absolutely loved it. She has been excited to go for ages. DH has been saying for the past 2 or 3 days that he doesn't want her to be at preschool. Saying he wants to treasure every moment, and he doesn't want her looked after by strangers. It's hard for me to let DD go too, I was in floods of tears after dropping her off this morning. But, we decided to send her for good reasons (mostly the opportunity to make more friends) and I don't want to just pull her out because we're feeling emotional. I'm annoyed that DH left it so late to say anything. He says it's because he has ADHD and he just doesn't process things in advance. He's very down and it's compounding my mum guilt about being apart from DD. I don't know what to do. Should I keep DD in preschool against DH's wishes?

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Scirocco · 09/09/2024 21:03

Part of being a parent is dealing with our own difficult emotions without them affecting our children too much. You presumably researched pre-school, decided that pre-school in general and this one in particular could be beneficial for your child, and knew the start date in advance. This hasn't come out of nowhere.

It sounds like you've both found today hard but that your DD has enjoyed it. I think her enjoyment is an indicator that it's worth continuing and trying to get better ways of dealing with your own emotions as individuals. Not least because she'll soon be starting school and you'll both need to prepare to cope with that - when you can't pull her out unless you commit to home ed. If your DH is worried he'll miss her too much, or miss quality experiences, you can all pack lots of quality time into non-nursery days.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2024 21:05

She’s already started and seems to enjoy it. I think it would be a bit mean to pull her out because a grown adult can’t control their emotions.

She’s 3. Not a baby and it’s the perfect age to start making friends and branching out from just mummy and daddy.

SpiritAdder · 09/09/2024 21:05

Smartiepants79 · 09/09/2024 20:56

And Pre-School is not school.
3 is not too young for most children to go and play with some toys, listen to some stories, paint some pictures and interact with other children…
They’re not being sat down and drilled in times tables!

Edited

Some are? Mine went to a preschool/preK twice a week at ages 3-5 and they learned alphabet, then to read, count, and had science classes and everything. There is play based learning, but it is school (with no homework and no tests).

Timeforsnacks · 09/09/2024 21:09

Are you suddenly about to start going to work and maybe that could be his real worry?

xyz111 · 09/09/2024 21:10

Is he at home then when she's at preschool?

Original poster

CadburyChocolate · 09/09/2024 21:21

Thanks all, a lot to think about. I don't think I can answer everything, but in answer to the main questions

Neither of us are SAHPs. I work 2 days a week, and DH looks after her 1 day a week. The other day my MIL looks after her. We don't need the preschool for childcare purposes, we enrolled her for her benefit.

DD is an August baby, so she has one year of preschool before starting school.

DD is doing just 15 hours a week at preschool, 3 hours per day, term time only. The preschool is strict that 15 hours is the minimum. I did float the idea of putting her name down for a preschool that allows less hours, but DH didn't like that idea either.

DD has been to plenty of toddler groups and has good social skills. She has started to outgrow some of these groups though. In this area, everyone seems to have their kids in nursery/preschool by 3, so the kids at these groups tend to be younger and not able to play in the same way. She does have friends, but not with enough availability to see them every day like she would in preschool

OP posts:

SpiritAdder · 09/09/2024 21:27

Maybe he really values his one day with DD and is missing it? To have a 3hr interruption means his entire day with her has to be built around preschool.
Is there a way to not have your DD go on his day? Maybe two full days a week and then you, him and MIL still get a whole day each with her? Or other combo…

tedyoucan · 09/09/2024 21:28

I was a sahp and still put my child into preschool nursery at 3. Brilliant to make new friends, socialise and be in a group setting without me being there. Plus the friends he made moved up into the school with him. If she is enjoying it then I would leave her in there. Half term will roll round fast enough,

TomatoSandwiches · 09/09/2024 21:29

SpiritAdder · 09/09/2024 21:27

Maybe he really values his one day with DD and is missing it? To have a 3hr interruption means his entire day with her has to be built around preschool.
Is there a way to not have your DD go on his day? Maybe two full days a week and then you, him and MIL still get a whole day each with her? Or other combo…

Edited

It should be what's best for the DD not the capable adults around her.

Mooneywoo · 09/09/2024 21:32

How on earth can he want to cherish every moment when he currently works 4 days? He’s being utterly ridiculous.

It’s 3 hours on the day that he has her, he’s being so selfish and also so controlling when he only does 1 day of childcare. The bigger burden falls on you and his mum, not him.

Wonderlust233 · 09/09/2024 21:32

Smartiepants79 · 09/09/2024 20:54

I’m not sure this is entirely accurate.
I think childcare will start at the age that is needed for parents to work and provide for the family.
School starting age does differ across Europe and the world. Uk is one of the earlier.

Show quote history

Yes and the UK has some of the highest rates of dual income households. So we start childcare and school earlier.

SouthLondonMum22 · 09/09/2024 21:32

CadburyChocolate · 09/09/2024 21:21

Thanks all, a lot to think about. I don't think I can answer everything, but in answer to the main questions

Neither of us are SAHPs. I work 2 days a week, and DH looks after her 1 day a week. The other day my MIL looks after her. We don't need the preschool for childcare purposes, we enrolled her for her benefit.

DD is an August baby, so she has one year of preschool before starting school.

DD is doing just 15 hours a week at preschool, 3 hours per day, term time only. The preschool is strict that 15 hours is the minimum. I did float the idea of putting her name down for a preschool that allows less hours, but DH didn't like that idea either.

DD has been to plenty of toddler groups and has good social skills. She has started to outgrow some of these groups though. In this area, everyone seems to have their kids in nursery/preschool by 3, so the kids at these groups tend to be younger and not able to play in the same way. She does have friends, but not with enough availability to see them every day like she would in preschool

Edited

It’s only 3 hours a day. He is very unreasonable.

Wonderlust233 · 09/09/2024 21:36

CadburyChocolate · 09/09/2024 21:21

Thanks all, a lot to think about. I don't think I can answer everything, but in answer to the main questions

Neither of us are SAHPs. I work 2 days a week, and DH looks after her 1 day a week. The other day my MIL looks after her. We don't need the preschool for childcare purposes, we enrolled her for her benefit.

DD is an August baby, so she has one year of preschool before starting school.

DD is doing just 15 hours a week at preschool, 3 hours per day, term time only. The preschool is strict that 15 hours is the minimum. I did float the idea of putting her name down for a preschool that allows less hours, but DH didn't like that idea either.

DD has been to plenty of toddler groups and has good social skills. She has started to outgrow some of these groups though. In this area, everyone seems to have their kids in nursery/preschool by 3, so the kids at these groups tend to be younger and not able to play in the same way. She does have friends, but not with enough availability to see them every day like she would in preschool

Edited

3 hours a day is nice. DH sounds a bit confused tbh. If you had a nursery that allowed less hours then he could have had a day with DD. If DD is settled then leave things as they are.

xyz111 · 09/09/2024 21:38

I'd change her hours to be a few full days rather than 3 hours a day. And he can have her on his day off if he wants to cherish the time.

Newsenmum · 09/09/2024 21:41

It’s not fair for him to pull her out once she’s started. It’s only 3 hours on his day and you’ll have all the school holidays (there are enough!) plus he can pull her out for the odd days before she starts school. It’s so useful for starting school though and it can be a big shock otherwise. The strangers thing is a bit weird.

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 09/09/2024 21:41

I think preschool has been brilliant for my DD. Ages April born so did 15/16 months before starting reception last week. She confidently went in last week and didn't look back, she knew the teachers, had seen the class as part of transition and already had friends.

She made lovely friends and has one particular best friend and their relationship is so sweet. On a personal note I've met some wonderful mums and have made some great friends.

We also didn't need preschool for child care as my mother and MIL covered this and I worked 3 days. Husband also worked compressed hours and I've been on MAT leave this year but I would 100% put DD to preschool again.

SpiritAdder · 09/09/2024 21:42

TomatoSandwiches · 09/09/2024 21:29

It should be what's best for the DD not the capable adults around her.

Show quote history

I don’t see the two as mutually exclusive. 3hrs a day, 5 days a week isn’t definitely, absolutely 100% the best thing for the DD. The bonds with her mum. Dad and grandma are also v. Important and need nurturing too.

lernasie · 09/09/2024 21:43

My DD has just started preschool but I do want to keep a full weekday with her, so I'm just sending her for 12 hours not 15. It's entirely private, not funded hours, so they have agreed to this (although we're paying for 15 hours, we will just not be attending one day a week). I can definitely understand wanting to have proper time with your DD on the day he has her - on preschool days there isnt much time for any activity in the afternoon once she has eaten lunch and napped and we've done the school run. A few families in our preschool do this on days that the GPs have the dc too.

On the free days I have her I'll be taking her to more age-specific activities (music and gymnastics just for 2-3 yo) so it will be more geared to her age and also to age-specific events like theatre and concerts so there are a lot of activities out there which are geared towards preschoolers (at least where we are in London).

Tryingtoconceivenumber2 · 09/09/2024 21:43

Just to add I would clean while DD was gone and then we would go straight out after so we still had lovely days / afternoons out x

SpiritAdder · 09/09/2024 21:44

Mooneywoo · 09/09/2024 21:32

How on earth can he want to cherish every moment when he currently works 4 days? He’s being utterly ridiculous.

It’s 3 hours on the day that he has her, he’s being so selfish and also so controlling when he only does 1 day of childcare. The bigger burden falls on you and his mum, not him.

Sorry? But if he is volunteering to keep his 1 day with DD full, then that frees up hours that can go to OP’s 3 days with DD to reduce her burden.

I don’t see selfishness at all. I see a desire to preserve the little time he does have.

Original poster

CadburyChocolate · 09/09/2024 21:45

People are focusing on the "treasure every moment" which yes, is a big part of it, but he also doesn't want strangers looking after her. He says she will always be safest with her own family and preschool might teach her values that are different from ours

OP posts:

Nix99 · 09/09/2024 21:45

DD has just started preschool (today was her second half day) and she's never been in childcare before. I did feel guilty on the first day, especially as I'm currently on maternity with my 10mo so I felt a bit like I was leaving her and worried she would think I was choosing her brother over her to spend time with but these worries are completely unfounded. She loves it and even after these 2 half days I can see how much she's progressing and benefitting from it. I could, if needed, keep her out of preschool but I don't want to do that as she loves it and is getting so much out of it plus I see it as a way to ease her in for when she starts actual school doing 5 full days.

SpiritAdder · 09/09/2024 21:48

CadburyChocolate · 09/09/2024 21:45

People are focusing on the "treasure every moment" which yes, is a big part of it, but he also doesn't want strangers looking after her. He says she will always be safest with her own family and preschool might teach her values that are different from ours

Yes, but we are suggesting compromises that might bridge the gap between what you have- 5 days a week preschool and him wanting to pull her out completely.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 09/09/2024 21:49

CadburyChocolate · 09/09/2024 21:45

People are focusing on the "treasure every moment" which yes, is a big part of it, but he also doesn't want strangers looking after her. He says she will always be safest with her own family and preschool might teach her values that are different from ours

Is he worried about safeguarding? Can dd talk? Can you meet with nursery staff for settling in sessions just to make sure you are comfortable around them and have no bad vibes?

Tulip8 · 09/09/2024 21:49

You both sound a bit wet.

Floods of tears? Really?

DH wants to pull daughter out of preschool

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