Setting boundaries with step daughter and new baby

[TheSunnyLemonShark]

I was hoping someone could offer a little advice. My partner and I have just had a new baby (my first child, she’s 4 weeks old) My partner has a little girl from his previous relationship who is 5, nearly 6. I’ve been in her life for a couple of years now, we only get her Saturday Sunday every second weekend at the moment. She dotes on her new sister which is wonderful to see but she’s became so clingy but only around me, and only when I’m caring for her sister. For example anytime I’m breastfeeding/changing or trying to get the baby down for a nap my stepdaughter wants to climb all over me, stroke the babies hair, give her kisses or be in my face and pressing her face against mine. This behaviour only seems to happen when I’m caring for the baby, never when my partner is. I’m trying to spend as much me and her time together as I can but just with breastfeeding a newborn I don’t spend as much time with her as I previously did and her attention is split with her sister now, dad tries to keep her occupied to give me a little space but I think it would be better to try and set boundaries for acceptable behaviour. My partner and I have tried explaining that she wouldn’t like it if someone was constantly touching her or climbing around her when she was eating but this hasn’t worked. She doesn’t really listen to me (her mum has told her she doesn’t have to as I’m not her mum…) so I’m looking for suggestions on how to set the boundaries firmly but fairly and without her feeling like she’s being pushed out for the baby. My partner is great and when she doesn’t listen to me always enforces what I’ve said while reminding my step daughter that she does have to listen when I’m asking her not to do things but my stepdaughter is definitely pushing existing boundaries at the moment!

any advice would be appreciated as the baby isn’t the best at staying latched and her climbing around and vying for attention is getting really stressful and it is honestly making me not want to spend time as a family and makes me want to run away with the baby for peace and quiet. She’s only been over twice since her sister was born so the behaviour might dwindle with time but I’m not willing to take the chance it doesn’t as I’m worried about the baby getting hurt by accident as well if she’s jumping around etc.

thanks in advance

This, 100%. Poor wee girl

OP I think you're making yourself the victim in the situation, when you should be the parent, just because she's a step not your 'real' daughter. Why can't you deploy any of the advice given to parents of siblings around feeding a new baby with a small sibling around - gather a treasure box for them to explore while you're feeding, read together, get her to brush your hair, ask her to shell peas, stick the telly on...anything but 'run away with your new baby'. The fact you want that says it all about how you really feel about your SD.

It's not your fault op, but I feel sorry for a young child desperately trying to fit into a family she only gets to see every other weekend. Her dad can't parent and she can't bond properly with her sibling when she only sees them 2 days out of 14. I'm hoping that your dh is at least there when she is, so should be giving her lots of attention and distraction when you are trying to tend to the newborn.

Non step parents seem to think that step parents should shut up, put up and that the step child should be the centre of everyone’s world and be our first in every aspect and situation.

OP is a new parent, she has the right to not want another child crawling all over her when she’s trying to breast feed. Most mothers wouldn’t want their own child doing this to them with a younger sibling.

Just because OP happened to fall in love with a man who already had a child doesn’t mean that her feelings should be shunned or she doesn’t have the right to have ups and downs during her own experience of motherhood.

It's not about rights, she's asking for advice on how best to manage it

@TheSunnyLemonShark you have a lot going on and I think some people on this thread have forgotten what those first few weeks feeding a newborn can be like.

I do agree that she has a lot to work through. Do reassure her that she's just as much lived as she ever was.

There are lots of tips on the thread which are the sort of things you'd do with an older sibling when you're BFing a new LO. I'd reread the tips, like getting her to read to LO whilst snuggled in, asking her if she'd be a fabulous help and fetch LO a nappy and really ham it up over the weekend about how helpful she's being and how wonderful you think she is.

Does your DH take her out on his own much?

If she's with you this weekend could DH take her swimming and for lunch in the cafe afterwards so you get 2 or 3 hours to feed LO and maybe a little nap?

"Just because OP happened to fall in love with a man who already had a child doesn’t mean that her feelings should be shunned or she doesn’t have the right to have ups and downs during her own experience of motherhood."

But she did fall in love with a parent, that was her choice. Anyway, the step daughter has only seen the new baby twice and only visits every other weekend. It's hardly overload by anyone's standards is it?

Good Lord, you do know that we have evolved so that babies are pretty resilient to their toddler sibling behaviour, right! All of mine did this, it’s completely normal. You seem to think it’s abnormal as it’s a step-sibling, that they shouldn’t be acting like a bio-sibling, which is pretty odd. Don’t hide your baby away from their sibling, they may get a few knocks and bumps here and there, but they will have a good relationship, don’t try and scupper that.

You do sound dramatic and lacking massively in empathy for this little girl.

OP, you're doing great. If you hadn't mentioned the word step you would be getting much kinder and more understanding replies so try and bear in mind that you don't have to accept the unfair cattiness in some of these comments

It does seem there's some big emotions going on for your dSD and that's totally normal, she's not being naughty, just trying to process them and she's also probably a bit excited - which as someone else said is actually lovely, even if a little forceful!

You absolutely have a right to settle in to having your new baby and to find your feet with feeding etc - you matter too. This is your first baby so I can totally understand that being climbed all over isn't great. It's absolutely OK to gently but firmly reinforce with your dSD that she might hurt the baby and she mustn't be rough. Your DH really does need to step up several gears when you're feeding and play/cuddle with dSD and loads and loads of one on one time. Could he take her out for a morning/afternoon/day just the two of them and give you all some space?

I love the idea of getting her to help and to read to you or draw the baby a picture. Dad needs to head that up too.

I hope things settle down for you in the next few weeks

Have you got her some things in being a big sister like a T-SHIRT saying I'm the Big Sister, just to reinforce to her that she still has a role in the family?

How about a book on being a big Sis like Little Miss Big Sis?

Apologies haven't read the whole thread but a practical suggestion - make her a very special basket for when you are feeding to occupy her. Could be a little treat to eat, token to watch TV, little toy etc - something small that she can choose to occupy her.

She's not a Dickensian orphan, no one is being 'overly harsh' to her, good grief. Step children are children - they are not epherial beings who will combust should a boundary or age-appropriate expectation be placed upon them. Get over yourself.

And children don't ask for any adult to be in their lives. They absolutely should be expected to change their behaviour if that behaviour is hurting someone else. Would you say to a child they don't have to listen to their teacher or nursery worker or doctor? After all, they didn't ask to have them in their lives either.

With DD1, when DD2 arrived we had a special box for when she was feeding or I needed to focus on the baby, and it had stuff like sticker books and other cool stuff she only had access to at that time. She loved rooting through it.

She's only met her baby sister a couple of times, I think you need to relax a bit! This sounds pretty normal.

Try to redirect her into ways she can interact with you and the baby without prodding her - reading, fetching a clean nappy, shaking a rattle, helping out her socks on etc. And I agree with her dad, distraction is good.

It's in both sibling's best interests to foster a warm relationship between them.

Congratulations on your little one OP!

Those first few weeks & months are so hazy and it's so easy for things that are trivial, to really affect us.

In the scale of things, your SD has been over 2 weekends out of your little ones 4 weeks.

You are in a time of recovery, learning about your new baby & learning to BF, it's alot & anything out of the daily norm can throw a spanner in the works.

However your SD's visits will continue and in time, the excitement of new baby will wear off.
I'd praise her & tell her how good of a big sis she is being and so helpful etc etc.
Let her have time holding little sis & 'playing' with her as little sis is on a mat.
If it is becoming too much, say to your partner, I need to fed DD or rest, or whatever it maybe, and go upstairs with you & DD for some privacy.
Just explain to SD that new mammies & babies need lots of rest and she's been so helpful but you need to have some rest now.

It will get easier in time OP 💕

I would say to bear in mind that you are a new mother ( first time ? ) and you are bound to be overwhelmed with different feelings … you sound quite stressed about it and I assumed this had been ongoing and continuous until I read that she has only been over twice . Be careful not to overreact and make sure you are getting rest and time away .

It seems clear that the little girl is feeling a bit insecure, which is totally understandable. She’s only little and she has been used to being the baby - maybe as a stepmother ( I am one myself ) you have tried extra hard with her to develop that relationship, so she’s used to that and having your attention and now all of a sudden there is a baby that has that . She’s also not seen you as a ‘mother’ before - you were someone who was probably all about her and it’s a big change . It’s not uncommon for young children to regress slightly when a new baby comes along , and almost act like a baby themselves - without realising it , you and your husband will be very focused on the baby and that can lead to some unsettling feelings .

It sounds like you are doing everything right , have the chat that it’s not safe to climb on you when you have the baby - explain that when you don’t have the baby you will give her cuddles and try and make sure you follow through with that , encourage her to be involved with the baby at times it is safe ( helping you to change her , asking her to think of a nice song to sing to help baby sleep etc ) so that she feels involved and it’s not discipline when she goes near the baby , so that she doesn’t begin to resent her .

But , at the same time , keep reminding her that it’s not safe and be firm if she continues to do it .

Exactly this. Get her to "read" a story or if she is at a good reading level, she can show what a brill big sister she can be.

You would have the same issues if she were there full time, so try to have patience. Things settle down relatively quickly. They soon realise babies are not that interesting

First off she's getting the message from her mum not to listen to you, then she comes to you and her little sister, she probably wants reassurance and love.

You don't know what has been said in her home that she's not told you about.

And she is only 5/6, I'd be surprised if my 6 year old didn't act like that.

I think some comments here are a little harsh. OP is a new mum which people react differently to and 6 is old enough to understand when she’s told not to climb all over someone with a baby. When I became a mother for the first time, I was terrified of anything hurting my son. Those hormonal changes are brutal, and I developed postpartum anxiety and depression. The only person I trusted to hold my son without feeling in a constant state of panic was my mum.

Dad needs to be the one to step in here and have that conservation with big sister to let her know that new babies are delicate and have high needs and she therefore needs to be careful of her new sibling whilst reassuring her that she’s still loved as much as she was before.

It is natural for you to feel protective OP, but if you think your worries go beyond those of being a new mother, please do let your health visitor know!

Some people have been unnecessarily harsh here OP. My youngest is 3 and eldest 4 years older and I remember this feeling SO WELL. I know there’s a layer of complexity around the step parent role, but this is evolution! I came back from hospital and my eldest appeared to have doubled in size! I was suddenly so hypervigilant - particularly when he came home from nursery sneezing all over the shop and trying to kiss baby 😳😮‍💨 I felt sad conflicted - I knew he needed connection but I was SO touched out and full mama bear mode with the little one.

This might take a while because of the amount you see her, but find ways to reassure her. Can you send her videos or FaceTime when she’s with her mum? Bought a gift “from baby”? And just some outright, straight down the line honesty. She’s old enough to hear “I get it, things feel weird now. It’s exciting but it’s new and scary too. Me and your dad are so pleased baby has a big sister like you, but I guess we’re all figuring it out together as a family” & give her permission to say she’s unsettled. If she can tell you, she’ll be less likely to show you through her behaviour. You’ll get there. These early months are brutal but the fog will clear soon!

Lots of great suggestions here. I like the book ideas.

dad needs to be more on the ball! It’s only b a couple days every two weeks, he should be spending every second with her. Baby starts fussing - he suddenly needs help, has a snack, something fun comes up.

And when baby is sleeping and you’re putting them down, declar where older one can hear, that baby needs to wait a moment or be independent (whatever you’re saying to the older one too get them off you) because big sister needs you for a bit. Yes that are sleeping and the older one is probably smart enough and old enough to get that, but it’s good to hear that they are still a priority and it’s not just them always being pushed off/away. Can do this strategically with husband too. ‘Oh big daughter needs me, or I wanna play with big daughter, you watch baby, or need to wait’ then it’s more real.

How were you over the weekend @TheSunnyLemonShark?

Crikey some of these comments….asking you to put yourself in the SD’s shoes (I agree with that), then commenting and not putting themselves in YOUR shoes.

When anyone has their first baby (which OP has!) it’s a brand new world of emotion, second guessing, over analysing. OP is doing what everyone does with a first baby, what we see as a little deal once seasoned parents is a huge focal point with your first newborn. Cut her some slack.

OP SD’s behaviour is normal and will calm down. She has zero time concept and as seen her twice since birth. She’s jealous and insecure and worried she will be pushed out. Just give her special attention and focus and she will settle.

I’m not surprised mother said not to listen to you! Gosh! She’s been over to see baby twice? You’re complaining after two visits?! What she is doing is normal sibling behaviour. You don’t tell off and set boundaries to stay away for affection (you’ll need to learn this) follow the strategies in this thread, poor girl is new to baby and wants attention. Step up your game instead of pushing the problem onto a child. This is awful post to read