Setting boundaries with step daughter and new baby

[TheSunnyLemonShark]

I was hoping someone could offer a little advice. My partner and I have just had a new baby (my first child, she’s 4 weeks old) My partner has a little girl from his previous relationship who is 5, nearly 6. I’ve been in her life for a couple of years now, we only get her Saturday Sunday every second weekend at the moment. She dotes on her new sister which is wonderful to see but she’s became so clingy but only around me, and only when I’m caring for her sister. For example anytime I’m breastfeeding/changing or trying to get the baby down for a nap my stepdaughter wants to climb all over me, stroke the babies hair, give her kisses or be in my face and pressing her face against mine. This behaviour only seems to happen when I’m caring for the baby, never when my partner is. I’m trying to spend as much me and her time together as I can but just with breastfeeding a newborn I don’t spend as much time with her as I previously did and her attention is split with her sister now, dad tries to keep her occupied to give me a little space but I think it would be better to try and set boundaries for acceptable behaviour. My partner and I have tried explaining that she wouldn’t like it if someone was constantly touching her or climbing around her when she was eating but this hasn’t worked. She doesn’t really listen to me (her mum has told her she doesn’t have to as I’m not her mum…) so I’m looking for suggestions on how to set the boundaries firmly but fairly and without her feeling like she’s being pushed out for the baby. My partner is great and when she doesn’t listen to me always enforces what I’ve said while reminding my step daughter that she does have to listen when I’m asking her not to do things but my stepdaughter is definitely pushing existing boundaries at the moment!

any advice would be appreciated as the baby isn’t the best at staying latched and her climbing around and vying for attention is getting really stressful and it is honestly making me not want to spend time as a family and makes me want to run away with the baby for peace and quiet. She’s only been over twice since her sister was born so the behaviour might dwindle with time but I’m not willing to take the chance it doesn’t as I’m worried about the baby getting hurt by accident as well if she’s jumping around etc.

thanks in advance

I had this with DN who I raise when I was breastfeeding DS who had a tongue tie. I found it easiest just to hold her too (she wasn’t allowed to touch ds while he was feeding). She eventually got bored and did other stuff.

Have I got this right? She is 5, sees you and her dad 4 days a month, has only visited twice since the baby has been born and it's already enough to "make you wait run away"? Really??

OP you might want to get this moved to the Step parenting section

You’ve had some unnecessarily unpleasant responses on here. I also had a baby that struggled to latch and I found breastfeeding very stressful for about the first 8 weeks. I completely understand why she wants to be close to you and close to the baby (she’s only very little, she’s had a lot of changes in her life already and she’s seeking reassurance) but she can’t be climbing on you and getting in your face while you’re breastfeeding, unless you’re OK with it. And you’re not, so her dad needs to find a way to stop her doing it without her feeling like she’s being told off.

Congratulations on your new baby 💐

She’s not being naughty- she is feeling insecure because of her new sibling. It’s perfectly possible to love your younger sibling and feel sibling rivalry at the same time. The climbing on you and touching you is literally her thinking that if you are paying attention to her then you still love her at least as much as the baby. Don’t tell her off but dad should be giving her lots of one on one attention to reassure her. Gaining a sibling is apparently as stressful as your spouse bringing home a second husband/wife.

If you have a second child then the likelihood of your first child behaving like this is quite high. It will get better but she needs reassuring.

She should listen to you when in your home or care- I think the mother is wrong here. It’s not an unreasonable request not to have her climbing over you after having a baby- I sure as hell couldn’t have tolerated it (c sec). DD is very affectionate and it does get overwhelming sometimes- getting too hot etc just needing some air.

Her dad needs to step in more when she’s there.

On the feeding thing I think 6 is old enough to explain that babies sometimes find it hard to latch on and get enough milk so she'll need to sit close by, not touching during feeding times so baby can concentrate to help. Involve her in reading stories, bringing wipes, small tasks etc. turn asking her to change her behaviour into explaining why it is helpful for the baby.

She's met her new sibling only twice and she's 6 years of age? Can you for one minute put yourself in her shoes and try and understand what's going on in her head? It's really not that hard. Poor kid

You’re very new at this mum thing and people on here are arseholes. Can I suggest you set up a dress up box with some secondhand clothes - hats, gloves, clunky shoes, etc, some things that will require a little bit of fiddling to get on and off - but not too much so that you have to help. Pop it near where you breastfeed and she can explore the contents while you feed and you can chat about it while she plays. It’s interactive - but also independent. She feels like she has something special and you have some physical space.

She only sees her father two days a fortnight, and has only met baby sister twice in 4 weeks.

Give this little girl a break and try have some empathy, poor girl.You have a daughter yourself, try imagine how your little girl would feel at age 6 in your SD shoes?

Also, she’s a little kid…. Don’t expect her to be a little helper. That’s a recipe for jealousy if ever I have read one. Sure she can pass some wipes if she wants, but don’t adultize her.

This! Get sd to read a book to you and baby whist you are feeding - that's what normal families do x

She's a little girl that you see 4 days a month. She's excited and jealous. At least try and be patient with her. Read her a story while you feed the baby or something.

Can she not be encouraged to just snuggle up along side you while you’re feeding? Tv or a story while you feed. Climbing all over you and jumping about can be a firm boundary but she doesn’t need to be banished. She clearly doesn’t feel secure in her place with you. You will need to be firm but patient.

Oh agreed, I just meant so she felt involved with the baby and included, and understands why she's asked to step back at times. Obv she needs to have attention herself from dad especially and space to be a kid

Pro actively invite her cuddle the baby at non-feed times. Or invite her come and cuddle together to watch a cartoon.

I like the idea of her reading or singing quietly to baby during feeds.

Love bomb, don’t battle.

OP you’re never going to get the support or answers you want here, I’d have this thread moved to the step parents section.

people who don’t have a step child do not understand what it is like when you welcome your own child into the dynamics.

your feelings are valid and you shouldn’t have to shut up and put up with behaviour that you’re not happy with or that makes your uncomfortable in your new journey of motherhood.

You’ll understand when your own child is 5.

I think she should if the alternative is being overly harsh to a small child. The child was there first, and shouldn’t have to change age appropriate behaviour to suit a new adult they didn’t ask to have in their life. This is normal stuff, give it a few weeks and it’ll calm down.

Getting her to do baby-related jobs will probably help; fetching wipes, reading a story to the baby while you change nappy or whole baby feeds. It does sound totally normal though for a new sibling, especially with a more complicated family set-up. Just make her feel included and try to channel behaviour you don't like into something else. It's nice she wants to be close to you and the baby.

I think you are getting some real dickhead responses here - I wouldn't want my biological child climbing all over me if I was trying to feed/care for a newborn. You shouldn't have to deal with it just because the older child is not under your care full time.
Can you be more specific about what her dad does when this is going on?

Mumsnet is a very tough place sometimes

it’s an anonymous forum and you are four weeks postpartum and in a complex family dynamic so in my view you have to be supported and not criticised

Her mum is very wrong and unfair to tell her little girl not to take direction from you first and foremost. It very early days and I think it will all work out !!

Try to reframe it as 'How can we keep stepdaughter feeling secure, loved and involved without risking her hurting her new sibling. '

Give her little jobs but one's that keep her close, not send her away. Ask her to stroke baby's feet or the lovely story or song idea.

Make sure you treat baby the same as her. So if your baby (accidentally of course!) kicks or scratches their sister you'd say "Watch out baby you need to be gentle with your sister." It doesn't mean anything to the baby and isn't a real telling off but it tells your stepdaughter that she is previous and deserves your care too.

Ps the fact that she is so keen for your attention shows what a lovely step mother you are and that you must have a lovely bond 💓