Setting boundaries with step daughter and new baby

[TheSunnyLemonShark]

I was hoping someone could offer a little advice. My partner and I have just had a new baby (my first child, she’s 4 weeks old) My partner has a little girl from his previous relationship who is 5, nearly 6. I’ve been in her life for a couple of years now, we only get her Saturday Sunday every second weekend at the moment. She dotes on her new sister which is wonderful to see but she’s became so clingy but only around me, and only when I’m caring for her sister. For example anytime I’m breastfeeding/changing or trying to get the baby down for a nap my stepdaughter wants to climb all over me, stroke the babies hair, give her kisses or be in my face and pressing her face against mine. This behaviour only seems to happen when I’m caring for the baby, never when my partner is. I’m trying to spend as much me and her time together as I can but just with breastfeeding a newborn I don’t spend as much time with her as I previously did and her attention is split with her sister now, dad tries to keep her occupied to give me a little space but I think it would be better to try and set boundaries for acceptable behaviour. My partner and I have tried explaining that she wouldn’t like it if someone was constantly touching her or climbing around her when she was eating but this hasn’t worked. She doesn’t really listen to me (her mum has told her she doesn’t have to as I’m not her mum…) so I’m looking for suggestions on how to set the boundaries firmly but fairly and without her feeling like she’s being pushed out for the baby. My partner is great and when she doesn’t listen to me always enforces what I’ve said while reminding my step daughter that she does have to listen when I’m asking her not to do things but my stepdaughter is definitely pushing existing boundaries at the moment!

any advice would be appreciated as the baby isn’t the best at staying latched and her climbing around and vying for attention is getting really stressful and it is honestly making me not want to spend time as a family and makes me want to run away with the baby for peace and quiet. She’s only been over twice since her sister was born so the behaviour might dwindle with time but I’m not willing to take the chance it doesn’t as I’m worried about the baby getting hurt by accident as well if she’s jumping around etc.

thanks in advance

Poor little girl; she’s feeling very pushed out at present. All you can do is make sure you (and especially her dad) give her time 1:1 and perhaps distract her when you’re feeding the baby. Her mum isn’t helping so again her dad needs to reinforce boundaries. Hopefully it’ll improve if she feels she’s still important to you both and her little sister becomes more interesting.

You sound like a massive drama queen just looking for problems. She's a six year old little girl, not a professional rugby player. Before you start feeding the baby, tell her she's not to sit with you for the time being. If she's being a bit too full on, be firm and redirect her. Stand up and move if necessary. She's only seen the baby twice and is no doubt dealing with a lot of confusing emotions, and obviously this behaviour isn't going to carry on forever. It probably won't last long at all. It's a shame you don't appreciate how difficult this change is for her.

Aww I feel so sorry for this little girl. She is obviously having some big emotions and feelings going on. It’s still very new for her (and you I appreciate) so give her some slack. Why can’t she sit with you while you feed the baby anyway?

eta congrats on the new baby

Some of the responses are harsh.

Her dad needs to be on it really. Have a conversation with him about acceptable boundaries and expect him to be watching and implement them.

I think just be patient. You are 4 weeks in - any siblings can act up at that point and it’s harder for step. She is seeing her DD for a fraction of the time he new sibling is -, it hard (I went through the same). Can you do more to reassure her that she is central to the family, I feel then she might stop this behaviour which seems to be attention seeking.

I totally agree with you.

Give her specific jobs too. Eg she's the one who gets the wipes, or who chooses clothes.

It’s really normal sibling behavior for the age. It’s just been ramped up to 11 because of the rare visits so it’s concentrated and not really getting a chance to work itself out naturally.

distract when necessary

give her age appropriate ways to help. Make them optional, but things like bringing you a nappy or a blanket.

try to get some 1:1 time every day. It’s next to impossible in those earliest weeks, but it will get easier (caveat for Velcro babies and special needs)

She’ll be going through some massive feelings she doesn’t understand herself.

Agree dad needs to be on it and giving her lots of one to one time. EOW is very little contact and very hard for her to establish her place in this new set up.

I have a just 6 year old and he responds very well to doing ‘jobs’ and helping. Could you tap into this around BF-ing? Talk up her role as the helper (not as the big girl cos she’s already feeling unseated as the baby), and ask her to get you water, a book, muslins, whatever made up stuff you can get her to do.

That might help. But agree with PPs - her dad should be on this and entertaining her to distract her.

I think this is a great idea. Bring her in rather than boundary her out. Give her responsibility and 1-1 time with her dad. If you do both of those I reckon you’ll see an improvement quickly

She sees you every other weekend and your baby is 4 weeks old?

She's 6! Give her chance to adjust. You see her so rarely I can't imagine this is that much of an issue. Why doesn't her dad play with her/ distract her when you're feeding or changing the baby?

This is totally normal. Exact same if she was your own child but then you would just get on with it. Understand it’s your first baby though so extra anxiety.
best thing is to give her little jobs or sit her beside you with a story book and ask her to tell baby what is in the pictures or whatever. That way she is sitting beside you but “helping “.

Completely normal, as other pp's have said, give her a specific special job to do when you are feeding/ changing dd. She is probably feeling a little pushed out.

Can you get her her own doll? She can copy you and feed her doll etc? I also think getting her involved in choosing clothes and toys is a great idea. Could you make a blanket with her?

She’s obviously looking to you for reassurance. Encourage it.

She’s very little and obviously struggling with big emotions, but at least her coping mechanism is increased closeness and affection towards you and her sister, rather than aggression or tantrums or any number of other ways of acting out that would be far more stressful to deal with. And it’s literally been two visits. You’re understandably feeling claustrophobic, but you really need to prioritise her feelings here.

Her mother has already been displaced in her father's affections and she’s been effectively ‘left behind’; now she has a whole new level of displacement insecurity to deal with. I was told that when a second baby enters the household, the emotions experienced by the first child can be akin to having your husband bring home another wife and saying, “isn’t this lovely, now we can all be one big happy family”! And that’s just sibling rivalry between children who share a household - your SD is barely ever even with you.

Encourage her to interact with her sister at better times and help with nappy changes etc; give her lots of cuddles and try to be gentle and patient when you redirect her attentions at feeding time “it would be so helpful if you could run and get me a muslin”, etc. She’s dealing with a lot, bless her.

She's been TWICE calm yourself down.

She's 5, she's excited.

You DD is tiny, you're a FTM, I get that you're protective & anxious over feeding etc.

I know that at 5, DSD seems huge, but she really is only little.

your DD has 12/14 days to feed quietly, a few days where it's a bit noisy/full on isn't going to hurt her!

Shes lost a lot of your attention & clearly wants to stake her claim! And enjoy being big sister!

your DD won't break for being excessively loved, kissed, cuddled by DSD.

Bloody hell, what an overreaction

Very normal sibling behaviour, especially for a very young step sibling who has only met the baby TWICE ?!

Poor girl

I think the behaviour will calm down as the novelty of having a younger sibling wears off!

Think about it in terms of time. The baby is 4 weeks old but to her sister it's 4 days. It's still very new.

I'd try and set something up like "ok, I'm just going to fed baby now and then we will do X." Get her to set X up ready for you both (game, cooking or whatever) so she has a task to do whilst baby is fed and knows she has your attention afterwards.

I LOVE the idea of her reading or “reading” the baby a story while you feed her.

remembering back I did that with dd1 when dd2 was born.

I hope you aren’t feel too crushed by these comments op. Just remember that all of you are adjusting, your SD included.

Oh bless her. She's got a lovely secure relationship with you and is worried that now the baby is here, you won't want her any more.
So firstly, you've got things right with her up to now.
How can she help you with the baby so she can be clingy but productively? Could she snuggle into you while you are feeding and pass you water or snack? Or just snuggle in so you physically demonstrate there's room for both her and baby?

She also needs time with you without baby, when her sibling is sleeping perhaps?
It's worth thinking about whether she's been given the impression that you won't want her now you've got the baby. I don't mean you've given that impression, but has someone else in her family?

Telling probably isn't going to work, you'll need to be more subtle and proactive. Ideally this would be the time for her father to be taking over her care. He could sort out things like a box of special items that are avaiable when you need to focus on the baby, a doll for her to look after at the same time is a lovely idea, tasks to keep her focused, or just aking her off and doing something with just her.
This isn't a step child specific problem, it's balancing the needs of brothers and sisters too.

She's only seen the baby twice!! Calm down. I'm sure her behaviour will calm over time. She's a little girl with lots of big emotions. Her life has been changed by this new baby. Try to see things from her point of view.

my daughter was stroking her little brother hair as I was bf, I didn't have a problem with that

when she tries to climb perhaps say something like 'I think the baby would prefer if you stroke her hair instead' or 'would you be a super duper sister and bring the nappy?'

I also get my DH to distract DD if needed

you need to involve that 6yo as much as you can- changing nappies etc. if you try to set 'boundaries' you will create resentment towards the little one & things will get much worse for you

just imagine being 6 yo, having 2 moms, maybe 2 dads and now a little sister... of course she wants to be noticed & involved, be kind to her